“You is kind. You is smart. You is important.”

I’m not sure how we got on the subject of bullying last night, I think it had to do with the Husband having watched a special on Hershel Walker earlier in the day. Hershel was a young boy in Georgia who was horribly bullied (he was overweight and had a speech impediment) and made to feel worthless by teachers and kids for years. One day he snapped and started focusing on athletics and school – by the time he graduated high school he was valedictorian and the number 1 collegiate football pick. (We re-watched it together in the evening, and it’s a really great story even if you don’t enjoy sports.)

It turns out the Husband didn’t have many friends before he started playing football. He was telling me that in fourth grade he had a few friends, but one boy got popular and made fun of him and they all decided they didn’t want him around. He said he was almost always alone during recess or after school. He said in 5th grade he remembers after school going straight to his aunt’s house, grabbing her golden retriever, and then playing for hours in the backyard and pond with the dog. Alone.

I actually started crying as he said this. It’s silly I know. Elementary school was a long time ago, but the fierceness I feel for making sure no one hurts him, and that he knows how loved and amazing he is, is indescribable.

Once he started playing pop warner football in sixth grade, he made friends and by high school he had a very solid group of guy friends, that are his closest friends to this day. All 6 of them were in our wedding party.

It makes sense now why in high school his focus was on football and friends, hardly on girls. It makes so much sense now why he is the planner of the group, always making sure the guys get together, and never leaving anyone out. It makes sense why he never wants to miss an event – he has a fear of being left behind and forgotten. (Even though I know without a doubt, they’d never forget him.) It even makes sense why if I go away for a weekend, and I don’t call, he gets so upset and feels like I have forgotten him too. It also makes sense why every time we look at a town he researches the football team. For him, football gave him a focus, a team, and many friends.

It’s unbelievable how much those young years can impact your life forever. In one interview of Hershel in his college years he mentioned he had such built up anger he wanted to go into the marines to kill people. Those exact words came out of his mouth. Luckily football became a more healthy outlet, but he has spent many years to this day working with a psychologist to handle the multiple personalities he created for himself just to get through life.

Just thinking about how I feel hearing about the Husband’s childhood, I get almost sick thinking about having our own children. How do you make sure they aren’t bullied – do you teach them to stand up to bullies? Because I know from having been bullied pretty badly for my 9th grade year, ignoring it – doesn’t make it go away, and it slowly eats away at you. How can you really make sure they know and believe they are loved, they are full of worth, and they are beautiful inside and out?

And my bubble burst

Okay so it hasn’t completed burst, just deflated a tiny bit.

The house I loved has been marked as sale pending. Boo-hoo. The pre-approval process is a pain. We make more than a certain amount so we can’t get certain loans with 5% or less on a down payment, but we can do 5-10% but with the addition of PMI which ups the payments per month, plus prove that we have the cash in our accounts for closing costs, escrow, etc. all along with proving our great credit and not charging or making any big purchases in the interim. Fun stuff, really.

We’ve decided to continue with the pre-approval process, with both the bank we know and a separate mortgage company to see what are the best options are and really to learn everything we can. If it turns out we want to wait and save more for a larger down payment, we’re OK with that. If it turns out we can buy something, we are going to take our time and look at a number of options before rushing to buy.

My desire is to always rush things and just get it done because I’m super decisive and usually definitive in my decisions. But for once, I have an instinct telling me not to rush this process. Instead to take our time looking and picking out what works best for us. In my ideal world, this house will be it. The house we stay in for many, many years. We of course can’t always control that – but I’d like to pick a place where we aren’t saying, well once we have kids we’ll have to move. No, thank you.

Then the question of, do we stay in our current apartment, save on moving costs, and save for another year and truly take advantage of our amazing 2 bed/2 bath apartment with private roof deck in the city? Or do we rent in the town we’re hoping to move to, get comfortable there and save even more money? Or could we end up finding a place, getting a loan with PMI (which would still be less than our current rent) and own something? We don’t know yet. The one nice thing, the husband and I seem to be in complete agreement on our options and figuring out what works best for us.

Today, I’m craving change and a fresh start (minus the actual moving process). And my baby fever has sky rocketed (and will be worse, if that’s even possible, after this weekend around a pregnant friend). And my desire to get out of the city and have a little grass is out of control. I guess we just have to see how it all pans out. For once, I have to be patient, keep our options open and moving, and trust that it’ll all work out in a way that’s best for us right now.

(And for the record, my impatient – control freak – type A – make change happen self is cackling at my last sentence.)

The grass behind that house IS greener.

This past weekend the Husband and I went to look at an apartment complex a little outside of the city. As we walked through the 800 square foot tiny apartment, my heart sank. Sure we’d save a couple hundred a month, but would it be worth practically killing each other because our bedroom would essentially be in the living room and we’d have no separation? If our schedules matched it wouldn’t be such an issue, but on his nights off when he wants to watch TV until 2am and the TV is on the shared bedroom wall and I’m a light sleeper, I envision fights…big fights.

We both left excited at the prospect of moving, but a little disappointed at the options.

Then we saw his parents and they started pushing us again to think about looking at houses. I always wrote that idea off – right now we have about 5% maybe 10% of a down payment. I thought you had to have 20%, no way around it.

After hearing from one of my friends, and many others – that’s not always the case with first time home buyers. It would be nice to reduce our loan and mortgage if we put 10% or more down, but that just might not be possible right now.

So I started being open to the idea of buying a house. We started looking at houses online, a little further out in the suburbs and then we came across it. The house.

The house set back on the street a little. Adorable front porch. 2 car garage and driveway. Fenced in backyard with a sweet deck. Open and sunny. Cozy without feeling too small. Built in 1900 with character, and yet updated with gas (very important). We’ve done two drivebys now just so I can keep looking at it.

The house in a neighborhood with the husband’s aunt, uncle and four kids. Three of who are college aged and free babysitters. 20 minutes from my Aunt and Uncle. 25 minutes from the husband’s parents. A 45 minute train ride for my sister to visit. A support system surrounding us. A town with a working mom’s playgroup with over 100 women in it going for coffee dates, weekends away, and other fun activities.

I know we’re just at the start of what could be a very long process. Getting pre-approved, figuring out our true budget so we don’t become house poor, finding the right house – one that we can hopefully stay in with kids for a long time – meaning schools, size, neighborhood all play a role. Near enough to a train station for my commute. Finding a house with the right bones, something I know little about.

Luckily my father-in-law knows houses and construction. Aside from his actual career in life (now retired), he has bought land and built condos and apartments a few times now from the ground up. He’s in the process of building 33 condos now. He knows that a bathroom with leaks or in need of repairs could cost an additional 5-10k to fix (where many people just think oh, we can update the bathroom easily). He knows that a house with field stone in the basement could make for an unstable base, with flooding. He also knows he can fix trim, doors, hardwood floors, and other cosmetic things for no cost to us. I feel damn lucky about that.

His parents are able to look at things from a different perspective. The house I love is on a windy narrow street without sidewalks. It’s about ¾ of a mile to the train but his Mom immediately made me really think about what it would be like to walk in the dark (morning or night) to the train. Would I feel safe if I was walking in the dark, 6 months pregnant, because the husband couldn’t drive me because he’s at work? Ya know I’m not totally sure, I hadn’t thought about any other scenario aside from a sunny beautiful day while I’m in good shape.

All in all, now that we started the process it’s like opening Pandora’s box. There’s no going back. I’m flooded with such excitement that I can’t stand it. I want to spend all of our free time looking at houses and moving towards this step. Unfortunately we have little free time, but we’ll have to start making time. And saving money, as much as we can. And trying to talk friends into the same, or close by areas. There’s one friend in particular, that I just need to live near. I tear up thinking about not seeing her as often, not getting to experience pregnancy, babies, and life stages close by with her. I know it will mean making more of an effort once we do buy, and I will make that effort, but if there’s any way I can get her and her husband to buy within 20 minutes of us…I will.

I never thought we’d be able to buy a house before a baby. I don’t know why I didn’t envision it, but now I do. Now I’m practically moved into our new house. I want it!

The feeling after a good run

This morning I ran a 5k. It’s my first race since the Boston bombings and I knew it might be an emotional one, especially since it’s a run dedicated to fallen marines. Marines and military were everywhere and the air was emotionally charged.

Originally I went into this run with my old PR time in the back of my head. In my six years of running I’ve never beat it. But once I got to the race I decided, I wanted to run this one just for me. I wanted to run for those who aren’t running or can’t run. And so I turned my run keeper app off, bumped my music up and just took it all in.

The first mile flew by. That never really happens but I felt really good. My running class full of hills made this flat out and back run seem much easier. The wind was at my back, the ocean at my side, people running in Boston strong shirts, marines in formation and a drizzle that started to hit. I choked up at one point, I knew I probably would, but it took a lot to stop myself from actually crying (which was causing my nose to run, and my lungs to close a little).

Then the turn around at 1.5 miles came. The wind that was at my back was now pushing me back. My legs felt heavy, my period that came last night wasn’t helping and the coffee before the race was causing some unfortunate feelings. At mile 2 I considered walking a little.

But I didn’t want to. I knew I wanted to put my all into this, whatever time I got, I wanted to finish strong.

I grabbed a quick cup of water from the stop, took a sip, and dumped it on my head to cool down my body in the humid air. I just wanted the sky to open up and downpour on us.

The finish came faster than I had remembered in years past. When I saw the finish line I pushed, I didn’t think I was up for it, but I pushed. I beat my time from this same race last year by a minute and a half. I beat my time from this race when I did it 3 years ago (during tri training) by 3 seconds.

I haven’t felt that amazing finishing a 5k since my first ever race, my PR. And while I wish I could end this post with saying I beat that time too, I did not.

I missed it by 10 seconds. 10 fucking seconds, argh!

Had I not gotten water? Had I pushed it a little harder in the end? Had I started out a little faster?

In the end I don’t want to focus on that. I’ll sign up for another 5k soon and beat my time.

This is my second best 5k time in my 6 years of running. This is my first run under my new name. This is my first run, among everyone in Boston, after the tragic events last month. And you know what? I finished strong. Boston strong.  

Removing a big obstacle

If I could list my current goals, and what’s really important to me right now and would make me happy, I would say I want to:

• Lose weight, be more active and get fit
• Start swimming again
• Spend more quality time with my husband, family, and friends
• Cook and prepare healthy meals
• Get consistent good night’s sleep
• Spend more time outside in fresh, sunny, spring air
• Read more books
• Clean, organize, and toss old crap out of our apartment
• Travel or take fun day-trips
• Write my wedding thank you cards (seriously, I need to get on this even though I don’t want to)

So here’s the thing. I could easily focus on each one specifically, the way I did with working out last month. But when I started to really think about how I could accomplish all of these goals and what the biggest obstacle might be to them – they share one major culprit.

The TV.

In the last year or so I have become seriously addicted to the TV. Sometimes I feel like I have no free time, but really I do, I just waste it on TV.

On mornings I don’t go to the gym, I watch TV while getting ready. On week nights that I don’t have plans, as soon as I walk in the door I turn the TV on. Sometimes this is as early as 6 or 6:30pm. Meaning I watch TV, while sort of cooking, or maybe throwing in laundry or loading the dishwasher – until about 10pm. On weekends, I’ve spent hours watching various series or catching up on my DVR.

Most days I’m watching a minimum of 2 hours of TV. But more likely, it’s about 4 hours. Four hours where I’m not outside, I’m not reading a book, I’m not engaging in conversation, I’m staying up past my bedtime and usually, I’m mindlessly eating. Twenty-eight hours or more a week.

TV has become something I look forward to at night. It’s an easy go-to when the husband and I have dinner and want to relax for the night on the couch.

What made me finally realize this? This past Monday I planned on seeing a few friends for dinner. They picked 7:30pm, a couple of hours after I usually get out of work. I was immediately anxious at the late time – that would mean I wouldn’t get home until around 10pm. But what was I anxious about? The Husband was busy too, all I had to do when I got home was pack up my work bag for the following day and since our dinner location was right near my office I would just have to kill some time (not enough time to commute home). I’d already gone to the gym in the morning so in the end, I decided I really wanted to spend time with them so I bought a book and read it in the nearby hotel lobby until it was dinner time.

It was amazing. Not only was the book incredible, but sitting there, relaxing and being fully engrossed in a book was something I haven’t done in months. Dinner with the girls was fun too – a chance to catch-up, relax and laugh with each other. I was home around 10 and in bed around 10:30. Perfect.

The more I think about it, the more I know that with fewer hours of TV a day, I’ll be removing a huge barrier in accomplishing my goals. So for the rest of May I’m going to try something. Something that I bet some people will say, no big deal – easily done, but others, who are currently like me, will realize… crap, only one favorite show a day?

One hour of TV a day. Max.

Let’s see how tonight goes…

On the other side… or just water your damn grass

Recently the Husband and I started talking about moving instead of staying where we are for the next year. As much as I hate moving, I can’t help but really want a fresh start.

A new place, a new beginning, a new routine. A chance at “starting over” – eating healthy, building a new routine around a new exciting place, each taking on house-hold responsibilities, managing our money better and letting go of some of the baggage we had when we first moved in together in the current place. Plus, if we could save a few hundred or more a month, it would be a total win.

We’re looking at an apartment this weekend and it would be just for a year if we like it until we can buy something. I can’t help but become really excited about it.

And then there’s this nagging thought in the back of my mind… is it a fresh start or am I just running away? Can there be a benefit to running away and starting fresh, or does it just follow you and end up in the new place?

I guess it depends on the situation.

Sometimes, the fresh start really can kick you into changing – re-invigorating you, giving space to what were the issues before, a restart button. I guess the important part is to know what the issues were, and how to make sure they don’t happen in the new scenario, or you’ll end up in the same place – just different scenery.

I’ve noticed this a lot with friends recently too. A current friend who almost moved for a job relocation, but didn’t, and then told me at dinner the other night she was a little sad she didn’t take the opportunity. She said if she had gone to the new location she could have focused on herself, went to the gym more, slept more, had fewer social obligations. To me I just don’t understand – why not do that in your current situation? If you want that change, and it’s important to you, start making it happen.

Another few friends who are having some growing pains after living together for years. There’s too much detail and depth to go into it, but one has (somewhat abruptly) decided to move away for the summer, and when she comes back, they will no longer be living together. Maybe space will be a really good thing giving them some time to breathe, but at the same time, it doesn’t change what the issues are…it just creates a little distance. Without communicating about it, the distance could just push them apart even further, essentially ruining years of friendship.

I can’t help but say it, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. The grass is greener where you water it.

Everything in my head

As the weather gets nicer (sunny and 70 is expected today = makes me so so so happy) I know that I don’t want to go into summer feeling like shit again. Last year I spent my week vacation with my husband’s family in a cover-up on the beach, constantly thinking about my weight, playing the comparison game to my very thin sister-in-law and criticizing myself for everything I was eating. It just wasn’t enjoyable. Last month having such specific goals really helped – I think it’s time to think of my goals for the next few weeks. I want to feel confident and healthy this summer.

I’m reading The Road of Lost Innocence: The True Story of a Cambodian Heroine, Somaly Mam. It’s one of the toughest reads and at parts so far I have actually felt ill. I can’t stop thinking about sex trafficking happening to women and children and I need to find a way to get involved and to help. Sure I have gotten behind causes before –and I care about things like children’s literacy – but this, this is so different. I feel sick. I need to do something.

Along similar lines, I have been talking to friends about this, and maybe it’s because I’m getting older but recently…I feel like I’m just surrounded by extremes of violence, sex and drugs in social media, on tv, movies, music, etc. I used to tune out when people complained about video games but the thing is – I think they’re right. What I am learning more and more about some of the generation below mine is that many are becoming so desensitized to violence, gore, extremes in sex and porn, and little fear of trying various drugs. It scares me. It makes me feel like normal day-to-day things aren’t going to satisfy people anymore. It’s honestly making me want to ensure values in my family, friends, and future that much more. 

For some reason I always associate Spring with change. Maybe that’s why it’s somewhat of my least favorite time of year. I swear in the past few weeks I have been surrounded by job changes, relationship breakups, friend breakups, cancer (too much cancer), potential moves and more. It’s just a lot of change all at once – and not even all to me – just to everyone in my life.

The Husband keeps having dreams that we have a daughter. It was sweet until my psychic Aunt decided to tell my Mom she sees one of her 3 daughter’s pregnant. Umm, it’s not me. Pretty sure she’s wrong on this one.

As much as I like the extra 45 minutes of sleep on Tuesday mornings, I hate having my running class after work. I 100% prefer getting the gym done in the morning now and looking forward to doing whatever I want after work. Waking up at 5:59 really isn’t that bad, especially on these sunny warm days, as long as I’m in bed before 11pm.

That being said, I love having Wednesday as my day off. When my Tuesday night class changes I’ll have a pre-work gym class Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. Having Wednesday as a mid-week sleep in day, and a date night usually with the Husband is the perfect mid-week break.

I think I’m going to force myself to sit outside for a half an hour during lunch today. Apparently as I look back over this post, I need some extra sun and positivity today.