I never used to understand when people talked about their anxiety why they couldn’t just get over it. Sure I’ve always been a worrier, but as a logical planner and an optimist by nature I can usually dispel my worries quickly.
Lately, my days with anxiety seem to be happening more frequently, and I feel myself dealing with it poorly. I let it take over. I cry. I get frustrated and upset with the husband. I pretty much blow everything out of proportion and then get frustrated at myself for letting my emotions take over.
Yesterday between a really hectic work from home day (which is never easy), trying to get Bentley in for his doggie day care interview (which they ended up turning us away when not showing medical records for kennel cough. Apparently it’s clear he has all other shots but no record of kennel cough) and then in what was pretty much my worst nightmare come true, picking up his poop and seeing a long spaghetti looking worm in it.
Yes, gag, I pretty much have to hold back my lunch just thinking about it.
….Time to be thankful I’m not including a picture here…
We gave Bentley his normal Heartguard Plus heartworm monthly preventative yesterday. Apparently that can kill other worms. And out that one came. We immediately called the vet and got a de-wormer and it could be worse since it’s very likely it’s just roundworms. Now we know why he vomited twice in the last week. And thankfully, we have only seen two (dead) ones meaning maybe it’s not a bad infestation. [Shudder.]
But see at this point yesterday – I was running late for a meeting, I was behind on work in general, I had just been turned away from the doggie day care interview after I had just packed up Bentley in the car and drove there, which I was banking on working out so that we can board him over New Year’s when we have a wedding, and then I found the worm. And I need to figure out how to see my friend for her birthday on Saturday night when the dog walker doesn’t do after 2pm on weekends and clearly we can’t send him off to day care or boarding and the husband isn’t sure yet what his work schedule will be. But part of me is annoyed anyway because that same birthday friend is in a ridiculous feud with another friend and therefore skipped out on my birthday because that friend was attending. And the husband leaves for Miami next week meaning I’m alone with the puppy for a good few days. And then my closest friend who I love dearly is turning 30 in a little over a month and is so bummed about the feuding friends (we spent an hour on the phone last night discussing) and not being able to plan something that everyone will attend and have fun at. And somehow I just want to find the best solution because of all people, she deserves a damn good birthday.
And then I got mad at myself thinking who am I? Since when have I been so bad about dealing with stress and anxiety?
Everyone else in my life comes to me in crisis and I can easily dole out fixes. So why does it sometimes feel so catastrophic when it’s me?
So after running to Whole Foods and getting out of the house for an hour, I just told myself to knock it off.
This too shall pass. It really will.
Bentley has worms. Gross, yes. Like really gross. But he’s on the medication and he will be fine. I think the medication made him slightly out of it last night because for the first time in weeks he peed on the carpet and seemed so confused about it. (Otherwise as far as I can tell, he feels absolutely fine, he’s jumping through the agility tire and tunnel we bought the first moment he wakes up!) So he can’t go to doggie day care right now, oh well. The dog walker is coming once a day for a 30 minute walk on days the husband sleeps, and it seems to be perfect for Bentley. And for New Years, we’ll figure it out. The husband’s parent’s (who are not dog lovers) have kindly offered to watch him if needed.
And work will always be work. I need to get my butt in gear and just get things done.
After all of this I spent about two hours last night cleaning. I let my guilt of not playing with the dog go out the window and he just followed me around as I unloaded the dishwasher, loaded the dishwasher, cleaned off counters, did laundry (including his beds and blankets from his crates), swiffered, and changed our bed sheets and duvet. Just having a clean place makes the anxiety dissipate a little.
Now on Saturday most likely the husband will be home for the evening and will feed Bentley then crate him around 9:00pm, which truthfully, he’d be fine until 6am if I wanted to stay out that late. Which I do NOT. But I won’t have to stress out getting home by a specific time. I’ll go see my birthday friend, have dinner, stay for a few hours, and head home and be in bed hopefully by midnight.
Today I’m talking with my half ironman coach (I’ve had a few calls with the company to make sure we’re the right match…we are!). Umm…the training plan will be starting on Monday. MONDAY. I am so excited! While people would think this would add more stress it’s just the opposite. It will force me into working out and having a routine – both of which I love and I’m in need of.
I took off next Friday the 13th and Monday the 16th from work since I have a few days to burn. I’m still having the dog walker come on that Friday. I plan to get up as normal and head to the gym and maybe do a little shopping and just enjoy a few hours to myself. And that Saturday morning I will be going on a walk with my best friend and Bentley giving us time to catch up. Then on that Sunday I’m heading into the city with another friend for our 60 minute birthday massages. Heaven.
This too shall pass. So time to making the passing, even when chaotic, enjoyable.