I have two fears about myself.
One, that I have unrelenting standards. I will get a goal in mind, work hard towards it, and then as soon as I accomplish it, I have to move on to the next thing – with little time to celebrate what I have accomplished. It’s always, what’s next, what’s next, what’s next.
Second, is that I expect perfection – my expectations of others – more specifically in relationships – are unfair and pretty much impossible to meet.
I think there is a whole lot of truth to both of these fears.
The first one disallows me to just be. I’m constantly thinking and planning what’s next, and it’s so hard for me to just enjoy this time right now or enjoy what I’ve accomplished. I must have at least 5 ideas of what I should plan to do over the next year or two before (the townie…the officer…let’s just call him the husband) the husband and I start thinking about kids. Everyone says to just enjoy the first year of marriage now that the wedding is over and to relax and sit back.
It was a fantastic weekend.
But it’s not enough. I can’t do that.
I need something to feel more alive. I can’t just be and float through life. For some reason, when I float, I become lost and empty feeling. Right now I feel a little lost, like something is missing and I can’t put my finger on it.
I don’t know what I’m working towards, or what I want. I’m just living the motions to move forward.
The second is something I’ve heard at the end of every relationship I’ve ended, and truthfully I’m beginning to notice now with the husband. One fight, one action I dislike, one bad day that he has – and my head starts swimming with awful thoughts, fears and dramatic storylines.
I’m trying though to be conscious of it. To realize that one terse response from him after a long work day doesn’t mean he doesn’t care for me, or isn’t treating me well, or that he may get up and leave. It means just as it does when I myself behave that way – and it’s fleeting – and as long as it’s not the norm for our interactions, it’s OK. Pick and choose the battles. He’s not leaving.
But back to the first.
I don’t really know how to change that one – or if I even care to. Maybe the change should be more directed to learning how to celebrate what I accomplish since I think the rest is just too much of who I am to change. Maybe it’s more of a bad thing for others who aren’t quite like me in that sense. It’s hard for them to watch or understand my need to jump to the next thing and plan, but I can’t imagine anything else.
I find as I’m typing this, I have such a desire to find something that excites me and makes me feel alive again.
I hate nothing more than feeling “meh” on a day-to-day basis.
would you get out of my head please! lol. seriously it freaks me out sometimes how alike we are and when you add in the whole boston, queensberry st thing it’s as though we live in some odd parallel universe. your words could so often be mine. i don’t think you even read my blog this far back but read this …
http://becelisa.wordpress.com/2009/02/17/perfection/
maybe we don’t celebrate our successes enough and maybe we are too hard and demanding on ourselves. but at the end of the day, it’s that “meh” feeling that doesn’t work for me either and i don’t think there is anything wrong with setting the next goal and pushing though to achieve it … is there?
wow. This makes me want to go back and read your posts pre-2010 when I joined the blog world (to learn more about you…and myself!)
This is a serious generalization but I think there are two types of people: those who work towards a goal because they are happy with the accomplishment at the end– and those who work towards a goal because they are happy working towards something. We’re the latter, enjoying the hard work and the ride there – where as many others hate the work but love where they end up.
So in other words…I need another goal…haha
This is the first time I’ve ever commented on your blog. I have to say as cheesy as it sounds, I got chill bumps when I read on “Joy Ride” that you were coming back here. I’ve ready your blog for probably 2 years now. Went through an extremely similar situation with a 3 year relationship that destroyed me (commitment- phobe that shockingly married a girl 7 months after break up and is now expecting child #2). Since 2010 I too, have found myself 30, married to an amazing man (9/22/13) renting out my beautiful historical downtown Nashville condo and moved into his town-home. What the what? What happened, when did this happen? Holy S*it. I’m married. Type A, control freak, planner to a “t”, purebarre loving, financially independent, MARRIED. Is it possible for me to not destroy this?
*Sidenote: my older brother overdose and passed this year too, yeah- crazy year. He was an addict for a decade. I have great parents, we had a great childhood. Nothing makes sense sometimes.
All this to say- more people probably found/know about this blog than you know. (not to scare you but i know it will) and that your posts feed my soul (and did through my break up) while I’m working my butt off everyday in my office
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I’m so glad you posted, I knew there were readers who came from here to there (and vice versa), but never really knew who. This place just fits me so much more. I also think you’re right (truthfully, if someone really looks — there are quite a few ways to find this blog and me) but I’m hoping most won’t. Or if they do, they’re ready to read a different side of me. It gives ME chills to know that my posts are feeding someone’s soul
Ha, do you know how often I have to remind myself to not destroy this? It’s like when did this all happen, and how can I please not ruin it all?! Congrats on all of your exciting changes but I’m really sorry to hear about your brother. Addiction scares me and confuses me more than anything.