I have two fears about myself.
One, that I have unrelenting standards. I will get a goal in mind, work hard towards it, and then as soon as I accomplish it, I have to move on to the next thing – with little time to celebrate what I have accomplished. It’s always, what’s next, what’s next, what’s next.
Second, is that I expect perfection – my expectations of others – more specifically in relationships – are unfair and pretty much impossible to meet.
I think there is a whole lot of truth to both of these fears.
The first one disallows me to just be. I’m constantly thinking and planning what’s next, and it’s so hard for me to just enjoy this time right now or enjoy what I’ve accomplished. I must have at least 5 ideas of what I should plan to do over the next year or two before (the townie…the officer…let’s just call him the husband) the husband and I start thinking about kids. Everyone says to just enjoy the first year of marriage now that the wedding is over and to relax and sit back.
But it’s not enough. I can’t do that.
I need something to feel more alive. I can’t just be and float through life. For some reason, when I float, I become lost and empty feeling. Right now I feel a little lost, like something is missing and I can’t put my finger on it.
I don’t know what I’m working towards, or what I want. I’m just living the motions to move forward.
The second is something I’ve heard at the end of every relationship I’ve ended, and truthfully I’m beginning to notice now with the husband. One fight, one action I dislike, one bad day that he has – and my head starts swimming with awful thoughts, fears and dramatic storylines.
I’m trying though to be conscious of it. To realize that one terse response from him after a long work day doesn’t mean he doesn’t care for me, or isn’t treating me well, or that he may get up and leave. It means just as it does when I myself behave that way – and it’s fleeting – and as long as it’s not the norm for our interactions, it’s OK. Pick and choose the battles. He’s not leaving.
But back to the first.
I don’t really know how to change that one – or if I even care to. Maybe the change should be more directed to learning how to celebrate what I accomplish since I think the rest is just too much of who I am to change. Maybe it’s more of a bad thing for others who aren’t quite like me in that sense. It’s hard for them to watch or understand my need to jump to the next thing and plan, but I can’t imagine anything else.
I find as I’m typing this, I have such a desire to find something that excites me and makes me feel alive again.
I hate nothing more than feeling “meh” on a day-to-day basis.