Most of this past weekend was fantastic. A weekend up in Loon with the husband and friends. Drinking games filled with fits of laughter on Friday night, a relaxing day reading and getting to know one of the girls on Saturday while some skied, a warm dinner at a country-barn like inn, a night in front of the fire chatting, and a good night’s sleep before heading back to Beantown on Sunday.
An early dinner on Sunday and an awful movie (Mama. Do.not.see.it) with the Husband before we both got back into work mode.
But there are hours that I’m leaving out on Sunday afternoon. A piece I planned to keep left out but I need to write it. I need to own it and make myself accountable too.
The Husband and I got into one hell of a fight on Sunday afternoon. The car ride home was great – we caught up about the weekend, sang, talked, it was all good. And then we got back to the house, watched TV for an hour, and planned on heading out. Somewhere during that hour I got angry.
I can’t quite pin point what it is that sets me off. It could be as little as not enough affection, lack of words of appreciation, or the annoyance of getting to enjoy sleeping in the same bed tangled together for two nights only knowing we have to go back to our world of sleeping on opposite schedules, a lack of intimacy that is heart-breaking sometimes. Some days it’s easy as I joke about getting a great night’s sleep, but truthfully, some days it’s hard.
Some days things could be great, but then I let myself go back in time. To the months after we moved in where for a time period we felt like enemies instead of best friends. Remembering things that were said to hurt each other that you can’t forget, no matter how many apologies.
But in order to keep moving forward, we have to get past that. We have to continue to get better with our communication. We have to stop the escalation of our fights.
One month is what I’m asking for.
The next month to work on this and both give the same amount of effort. I gave him tangible examples of how to make me feel like our marriage is his number one priority. How it’s the little things (planning a date night instead of me always planning), the big things (no name calling during fights), the intangible things (a touch, a kiss, a look). It’s simple really – follow the steps and I can promise it will be a trickle down effect. How when I feel like a priority I will support him and his choices.
How for one month I will focus only on the present and future and let go of the past. If we fight about the dishes, it will be just about the dishes and not about hurt times from 6 months ago that don’t have anything to do with dishes. How if I am angry, mad, sad, whatever – I’ll just say it in the moment– instead of making side comments or hurtful jabs that I expect him to be receptive to days later. How I will focus on the good and show him my appreciation instead of only pointing out the bad or things I think he should fix.
The truth is I’m so tired of fighting. I’m so tired of picking these fights, escalating fights and holding on to old resentments. I’m tired of taking 1 step forward and 2 steps back each time I do this. It’s becoming a pattern, a pattern that I am creating, and a pattern that’s wearing away the good and bringing us down. Even after talking, it erased a fantastic and fun weekend we had together and left the start of Monday with a sour taste in my mouth.
It’s as much me here that needs to give as him. It’s so easy to say what needs to be done. It’s now a matter of truly following through. It’s so frustrating that for something I want so much, and care so much about, I practically sabotage myself.