In the past few months I have missed blogging dearly. I still read up on everyone in my Google Reader but I find the writing outlet I used to have here, the motivation I found from active bloggers and commenters, and the connection to other bloggers has left a real void. I miss it. I miss all of you. I miss writing.

But I have one big update.

On December 8th, 2011 the Townie asked me to marry him.

After a few sobs, my answer was OF COURSE!

In less than one year, on December 1, 2012 we’re getting married in a beautiful New England barn.

The next year is going to be one amazing whirlwind ride. And I really hope to share it with all of you. I’ll be back with the new link when it’s ready to go.

Happy Holidays all! xoxo

I started this blog right after B and I broke-up. Looking back, I can’t believe my vulnerability on some of these pages. But I wouldn’t take a word of it back.

It’s a real view of my journey. Getting through heartbreak. Struggling to keep the ex as a friend. Learning to date. Frustrations and experiences with work, family and friends. Training for my first triathlon. Completing my first triathlon. Trying to date organically. Trying to date online. Meeting and falling in love with a new guy. Moving forward.

Part of me wanted to keep this blog and write every few weeks. But coming back here seems to set me back. It makes me feel forced into a place that I no longer fit.

I don’t exactly know where I fit, and maybe I’ll eventually start a new blog, but for right now I know that this blog, and this specific part of my journey has ended.

I’m getting promoted at work.

The townie and I looked at wedding rings this past weekend. I can’t wait to really begin our lives together. Sometimes I can’t believe it’s OK to be this content in love.

I’m closer with friends and family who’ve matched the effort I’ve put into relationships.

I’m planning trips, near and far. New York City, Baltimore, Buffalo, and Thailand are on the agenda over the next 3 months.

I struggled with whether or not to even post this. But one of my favorite bloggers, Maura, recently said goodbye too. Had she just left without explaining, I would have been so disappointed.

So without sounding corny here goes. This outlet healed me in so many ways. There were countless night I found myself sobbing on my bathroom floor. But somehow I moved on, I learned, I became motivated by writing my own posts, reading other blogger posts and most of all, from your comments. This blog has helped me find me over the course of the past year and a half.

Whether you commented once or 300 times, thank you. And if you were just a reader, still, thank you for reading. Your support, your advice,  your tough love, (and your uncanny resemblances ( Becelisa ) pushed me forward.

I wish I could give you all hugs. Or better yet, an amazing, warm from the oven, apple-cider donut from an orchard here in New England.

I’ll still be reading along all of your journeys. Please keep writing. And if you’re ever in Boston, let’s be real friends. caitlinsbookinit@yahoo.com

This is just goodbye to this part of my journey. It’s the beginning of everything else.

But you know what? I’m loving it.

If nothing else watch last night’s episode for Bob’s 4:30am morning wakeup call and dance. Bob is friggan amazing this season.

Or for the new trainer

The Hiker's Delight

Seriously, it.was.to.die.for.

Thanks to the Hour Glass at Stowe Mountain Lodge, we ate this rich and unbelievable combination of Bayley Hazen bleu cheese, bacon, and local Champlain honey on thin pizza crust.

I will be recreating this pizza at home. I suggest you do the same. Unless you don’t like blue cheese.

If that’s the case, just stick with dessert.

Mmm chocolate!

I really lucked out with the Townie’s family. I can’t explain how wonderful and welcoming they all are. They all said such nice things to me over the weekend and never for a second did I feel like I didn’t belong.  There may have even been “sister in-law” and “cousin in-law” jokes made my way

No, that’s not my hand. But if he likes it so much, it’s going to be time pretty soon that he puts a ring on it.

Side note: if you met someone through online dating (like I did with the Townie) would you tell people how you met? Both the Townie and I had no qualms telling our friends that we met online yet somehow when it came time to tell our family, work folks and acquaintances, we found ourselves saying we met at a bar.

Anyway, yesterday I was absolutely exhausted. I napped for almost 3 hours in the afternoon, stuffed my face with pizza, and went back to bed.

Instead of coming off the high of the past few days I’m feeling a bit stressed, a bit exhausted, and pulled too thin in too many directions.

All I can do is get back on track for the next few days and stop making so many social plans!

Monday:
Work
30 minutes strength training
20 minutes cardio
Cooking dinner & fall tv shows! What’s good on Mondays…?

Tuesday:
Work
3 mile run
Cooking dinner and BIGGEST LOSER

Wednesday:
Work
Spin class
Cooking dinner and MODERN FAMILY and CRIMINAL MINDS

Thursday:
AM 30 min strength training
Work
Making a jambalaya dinner for the Townie, my BFF and her husband
JERSEY SHORE
(*Will save Vampire Diaries  for a non-townie night)

Friday:
Work
2 mile run
Cooking a birthday dinner for the Townie

In sad news my Garmin forerunner doesn’t seem to want to charge. I would really like to start wearing a heart rate monitor for calories burned but I need one that isn’t large, doesn’t necessary need a chest band and is pretty accurate. Help?

It seemed to go along with my theme of reading Room and other books that cause nightmares when you read them before bed.

Honestly, it’s really hard to review a book that is someone’s true story. A horrific story at that.

This book didn’t pull me in and make me want to stay up late to finish it. It was disturbing, sad, and even gave me this empty feeling throughout – but I didn’t find myself that connected to Jaycee and I wasn’t passionate about reading until the end.

It’s hard not to compare the book to Room. Even though Room was strange, disturbing and I could never relate in real life to Jack — I connected to him while reading his story.

But then the point of A Stolen Life is clearly different than that of the fictional book Room.

A Stolen Life was meant to tell Jaycee’s story, to give hope, and to start making the invisible, visible. And there is no doubt that she did that.

However, I’m all about being honest with my book reviews and I would have preferred to read this as a borrowed copy from someone instead of a purchased hardcover.

Now the question is…what book is next?

Or have you ever watched that happen with a friend? You mention multiple times to your friend that the fact that this person cancels on them 90% of the time and usually only calls them after 11pm on weekend nights is less than what your friend deserves?

I find that no matter what you say, usually it has to run its course. In the friend instance it’s painful to watch, and you talk it through over and over but somehow it keeps happening.

But then at some point (sometimes months too long) it clicks for that person. They deserve better. They aren’t happy. They have been pretending the whole “see you when I see you thing” works. But it takes that person getting to that point to be able to change it. You can’t push them there.

This post is not about crappy guys and dating. Although I have (and am) watching quite a few friends go through that exact scenario. And I want to shout over and over, YOU DESERVE BETTER, but they have to want better.

Anyway, this post is actually about fitness and health.

For the past few months I have wanted to get back into the groove. I’ve signed up for race after race and added many Google calendar appointments to work out.

But I haven’t. Aside from one 5 mile race and one triathlon I’ve fallen through on the rest. I watched as the scale crept up and I posted about my frustration, sadness and disappointment with my weight gain and outlook on health. I kept saying I was going to change, I came up with strict goals and signed up for more races.

But it didn’t change. If anything it got worse. 2 slices of cheesecake and 1 slice of blackout cake (in one night) from Cheesecake Factory finally set me off.

Maybe it’s my all or nothing personality.

Maybe I just needed a break.

But yesterday it clicked. Finally. That moment of knowing that I’ll make the effort because I really, truly, deep-down want to make the effort.

I met with my trainer yesterday who did initial measurements. My weight, my BMI, and other assorted fitness tests. He wants me to lose 4% of my body fat (which is about 8lbs). I agree. It’s not a crazy goal, in fact it puts me at a comfortable weight – one that I know I could maintain in a healthy, easy way.

I needed that slap in my face of seeing my weight written down by my trainer.
And now I need someone I am held responsible to.

So honestly? Screw my previous September goals. I didn’t meet half of them, but I’m over it. I’m not dieting, I’m not giving up dinner with friends, and I’m most definitely not giving up alcohol or all desserts. I’m doing this the real way.

Slow changes. Getting my booty to the gym 4x a week. Making healthier eating choices. Controlling my portions.

And GO.

My eye sight is well below 20/20. I have frequent dry eyes and eye ulcers from their apparent hatred of contacts.

I have interstitial cystitis. It’s uncomfortable a lot, and can send my mood downhill fast. I’m switching to a new doctor soon enough who can hopefully get me on something like Elmiron. Stinging pain after sex or drinking is not something you want to look forward to.

I have hair extensions. It’s the most vain thing I have ever done but I’ve always hated how thin my hair is. Everyone comments on how soft my hair is yet they can’t believe how thin it is. Think a ponytail that matches the thickness of your pinky finger. Earlier this year I spent a few hundred dollars to get great length extensions (for thickness only). They match my real length and color amazingly. Since having them multiple people have commented on my hair. I feel 10,000 times better.

I have PCOS. I found this out by accident when I was living in Australia. After examining me the doc had my ovaries up on a screen and said, “do you see all of the hair follicles surrounding your ovaries? you have polycystic ovaries.” At the time I thought it meant nothing. Now I understand there are quite a few side effects if I don’t keep myself healthy. Very quickly I can gain weight, breakout, and have my reproductive health disappear.

I have three first cousins with Cystic Fibrosis. It was made clear to me while growing up they likely wouldn’t live past the age of 20. They’re surviving, in and out of the hospital, but they’ve all made it past 20. I don’t know if I have the cystic fibrosis gene, but my future spouse and I will need to be tested before having children.

I may have gripes and frustrations with my body – but there’s just no excuse not to appreciate it for what is it.

I’m going to my absolute favorite spin class tonight with a thick ponytail. It sounds ridiculous, but that makes me happy.

source

But here’s my current recipe for happiness…

**A comfort with alone time. The ability to sit in your own space, read a book, take pictures, or cook dinner and feel happy without having anyone else around.

**A comfort with letting yourself love in a relationship. When finding someone worth your time, opening up, not playing any games, and communicating exactly what you want.

**A girlfriend who you can really laugh with. The one where you can just make a silly comment that sends you into fits of laughter which turn into silent laughs, that shake your body and send tears streaming down your cheeks. The kind where no one else gets what is so funny, but it just is.

**A girlfriend who you can really talk to. The one you can call and sob on the phone with at 2am and she’ll just listen, even if she is exhausted and has heard your sad story 5 times before. The one who will never hold your vulnerabilities against you, but will support you and love you fiercely.

**A supportive family (or support network of the like). A bunch of people who you may not always see eye to eye with, but you look forward to Holidays and events with them and you just know they’ll be there when you need them. Among them is someone you idealize, another someone you learn from, and maybe even someone you don’t want to become.

**A handful of friends and acquaintances who you can call and go to a spin class with or a night out on the town. The ones where you don’t have to talk every day but when you do, you can sit back and enjoy a drama-free margarita on a restaurant patio.

**A steady job. It may even change eventually, but it’s a steady income with steady challenges and opportunities that keep you fulfilled.

**A sense of adventure. Take that trip to South America with a friend and hike a volcano. Take that weekend off from social media and spend it eating and ziplining with the guy you’re smitten with. It’s worth every penny.

**A cause you are passionate about to give some of your time or money to. For me it’s reading with a student during his lunch once a week and giving a modest percentage of my paycheck each month to the United Way.

**A healthy and balanced view on fitness and food. You don’t have to run marathons or do tris (although I say give one a try) but a spin class or a yoga class that you actually look forward to each week and a balance of veggies (and pizza) will do the trick.

***And one of the most important ones. An ability to confront discomfort and risk. Step outside of your box. There’s no way around it. In order to grow, in order to feel that sense of accomplishment, and to really get yourself out there – you’ll need to face discomfort and change, and for a time being, feel uncomfortable. The results will always be tenfold, even when they aren’t the results you expected or wanted.