Archive for April, 2010

So I expected to feel really sad this morning. But oddly enough I don’t. I don’t even feel empty, I just feel – normal.

First, the non-contact part didn’t work for very long.

Last night when B and I stopped at my place to change I told him about my leaking bathtub (the faucet keeps leaking even after it’s turned off). He of course wants to fix it (which I secretly love) so he gets out my tool box (yes I have one!) and goes to work. Basically tapping a middle circle out, pulling off pieces, tightening things, unscrewing/rescrewing (can you tell how handy I am?) and fixes it.

Or so I thought.

This morning when I went to turn on my shower. Freezing cold water only. It wouldn’t let me turn the knob all the way around. As 1,000 curse words went through my mind and thoughts of do I have enough time to shower at the gym instead – I decided I would try to fix it. I remember what he did up until a point. In fear I was going to really break something I picked up my phone to call and ask him what he did went he got to the gold screw part – as it was ringing a text came through – he picks up and says, “I literally just texted you”. I of course have no patience to talk about last night and tell him, ok I’m standing in my tub at the gold screw part, now what? He explains and I fixed it (I FIXED IT!!!) and he says he’s really sorry we can’t really chat he just got in the car with his coworker to head off to a client meeting. I say no worries because in truth I didn’t want to talk, I just wanted a hot shower.

The text was, “I think last night was different than either of us expected. I’m sorry if I caused any undue concern. Climbing or no climbing, let’s get together again soon.” I hopped in the shower before thinking about if I wanted to respond and another text comes through, “Sorry again I couldn’t chat longer, was getting in the car with [coworker]. I hope the shower works ok, I’m happy to take a look at it again.”

I think and realize. I have never expressed my anger or hurt after our breakup. I quickly went into the phase of we will be able to be friends, we can take a trip to Ireland together, let’s pretend the ginormous pink breakup elephant in the room doesn’t exist. And sometimes it doesn’t. But last night, I focused on that pink elephant, and I am disappointed in myself for how I acted. I don’t want to immaturely hurt him or really to speak to anyone in a way that purposely causes a stab. It’s cruel, and not who I am – at all. So I basically texted back, “I fixed the tub! Yes, I’d like to chat again soon. I must have been holding feelings back for a while – I think I was really hurt last night and more angry than the situation warranted which isn’t fair.”

His response was “I am always willing to talk or see you”

So there it is.

And today I’m not thinking about it. Today I am going to attempt to be productive at work, I am going to have a nice lunch with my best friend/coworker V, I am going to hopefully take the 6:30 spinning class or go for a run, then I have a school group Skype call at 8:15 then I will be sitting on my couch watching my dvr’ed episodes of Modern Family, Parenthood and Criminal Minds. I’m not going to rerun through my thoughts or feelings anymore because right now I need to just live.

Ironically of course, he just texted to tell me the client (IT Data Center) they walked into had a 5ft wide monitor with 3 open ticket issues listed by company name. My company’s name was in red next to two of the three open ticket issues. Talk about coincidences.

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I need a break. I don’t want to feel this sad.

I need to try really hard for a few days to just stop. Stop thinking about him, stop texting him, stop it all.

I hated tonight.

I really wanted tonight to just be a good night of us hanging out, going rock-climbing, being friends. Being able to be friends.
It was bad from the start. I’m so angry that I’m sitting here typing this in tears. I’m so frustrated with how I’m acting.

We were going to go rock-climbing only I’ve never been. The way I am is that I like to how to do something so I feel comfortable and safe and then do it. Now I have a lesson set up for a couple of weeks. I hadn’t realized you need to take a belay test in order to go. It sounds silly now but basically it felt chaotic, I wasn’t clear on how to attach myself let alone belay someone else and I felt uncomfortable so we nixed going tonight. Saying we’d go after I have the lesson so I’d feel comfortable. I was so mad at myself for feeling uncomfortable in the situation but I just was. Disappointing but oh well.

So we came back to my place (after going back and forth on whether we should hang out) and walked into 7-11 because I was thinking we might need snacks if we were going to hang out. Only realizing I have enough at my place. He asked me to grab his bag of climbing gear for a second and he got in the line. I waited and then he looked uncomfortable and he was like never mind waiting on the line. I asked, what did you want? He said gum. I waited a minute and I knew. I asked, “Are you chewing again?” (bad habit he’s had on and off for years. While we were together he stopped chewing tobacco for a time period mainly because he knew how much it truly did affect our relationship. A story for another time but he’s a recovering alcoholic — I never knew him when he drank –we met when he was just under a year sober- and before the stigma of being an alcoholic comes up in some ways he was the healthiest person I knew while together – he decided on his own he didn’t want to drink and never did again – now 3.5 year sober – anyway) He said yes, he was going to buy a tin of skoal.

I was angry and crushed. He has never ever lied to me before. In fact, I just felt rage. So of course it turns into a miscommunication scenario, where instead of just saying I’m upset because it feels like you lied to me and I’m concerned you’re chewing again I became mean and said something along the lines of “who have you become? are you going that far downhill” which of course really hurts his feeling and puts him on the defense. He felt ashamed about me knowing (he had thought I’d wait outside) so didn’t want me to know. We just saw it from two totally different perspectives.

We come inside and barely get past that situation before another rares up. We just miscommunicated about everything tonight. He sees me as a friend that will always be his friend. I see him as a friend with a time limit. I say when he has another girlfriend I can’t imagine she’ll be OK with our relationship. He says if I understand and saw his life for the last 4-5 months (i.e. without me) I would be laughing at the thought of such a thing. I of course don’t understand. He clearly is tired of these types of talks. I feel like we keep pretending we don’t need to have these talks.

I just feel so sad right now. But most of all tired. I’m tired of wishing he was still the person he was when he was with me. I’m tired of being sad. I’m tired of missing him. I’m tired of bad circumstances. I’m tired of being disappointed with “us”. I’m tired of being disappointed at the lack of an “us”. I don’t want to do this anymore.

When I said in my earlier post I was waiting. Am I waiting for him to come back? Because the thing is, shouldn’t it be too late? Or am I just waiting for him to be in a new relationship so I know that’s no longer a chance and I’m forced to move on? (And judging from his responses tonight, he doesn’t want a new relationship – at all. But doesn’t mean it won’t just happen). Or am I waiting to fall in love with someone else so that I can move past this. But will circumstances even allow me to fall in love with someone else right now? Because deep down, do I want to fall in love with someone else?

I don’t want to fool myself anymore. Tonight I am weak. Tonight I am honestly saying that somewhere deep down I expected still expect him to come back. Tonight I’m so scared that we have taken this turn so far down the wrong way that we’re never coming back.

Tonight it feels like I’m losing my best friend. And it feels like shit.

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I’m scared that a few months from now I’ll realize that hanging out with B has made moving on impossible. Resulting in hearing a whole lot of “I told you so.”

I’m not sure I want to have children. I know I should want to have children. Some days I lean towards it. But most of the time, I can’t picture having a healthy/sustaining marriage when there are kids involved. In fact, when I picture having kids, I picture being a divorced single (but awesome) Mom.

I keep thinking about the movie It’s Complicated. That for some reason, a second marriage/second love – is so much easier (and actually less complicated). That the second time around, it won’t matter if the guy isn’t tall enough or isn’t manly enough – I’ll just be content with what it is.

Lately when friends or family talk about their wonderful relationships – I am genuinely happy for them. But I’m also a tad jealous. In fact, I’m starting to feel like such a bad person because the thoughts inside my head are, “Why not me?”

I’m scared that my Master’s Degree has no return on investment. While I learned a lot, is this really what I want to do forever? With my graduation next week I can’t help but think – now what?

Some days I think I’m staying in my job because I’m good at what I do (the salary helps…) And I’m so scared I’ll fail at something else so I’ll just stay here.

I’ve always truly believed, “Happiness is not a set of desirable life circumstances. It’s a way of traveling.” Yet lately, I’m guilty of becoming to focused on my life circumstances and outcomes and I’m forgetting to enjoy the traveling.

I’ve started to feel like I’m waiting. But I don’t know what it is I am waiting for. Love? Meaning? Purpose? Deep down I know though, that waiting isn’t enough. I have to make moves. I just wish I knew what moves I wanted to make…

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I’m starting to think that I’m up at bat, Fate is pitching me some pretty perfect slow pitches, and now it’s time that I start hitting some balls.
Okay okay, possibly a corny attempt at a baseball analogy… so on to the story:
A couple of months ago I noticed a certain guy on my bus. He was cute (although a bit aloof seeming). I get on a stop earlier than him so I started noticing him when he’d come on. I’d usually be sitting and someone would have taken the seat next to me so he stands at a distance.
And then I started noticing him after work at my gym. At first we’d just be on machines near each or pass by each other in the gym.
Then we started to randomly pass each other on the weekends on streets near our apartments.
Then, last night, after a painful (but awesome 8 mile per hour) 5k, I hopped off the machine looking my absolute worse (no I am not one of those cute girls when I work out. I am a deep dark red, sweaty, hair clumpy, nose-running mess) and walked almost directly into him coming out of the Men’s locker room.
I, startled and feeling hideous, kept walking to go change.
I left the gym and as I was crossing the block near my apartment, there he is again crossing a bit ahead of me! He clearly had just stopped quickly in the grocery store and was then heading home. He looked back, and I’m pretty sure noticed me too.
First, the frustrating thing is we keep running into each other in situations that seem to take us off guard. Neither of us notices each other until it’s just too late. So we haven’t even smiled at each other! (Hopefully he isn’t scared that I’m stalking him since I keep appearing…)
One thing I did notice was it looked like one Lean-Cuisine meal in his grocery bag. Maybe then he actually doesn’t have a significant other. (Somewhat rare in my area of overpriced one bedrooms. I only moved to the area 3 years ago when I was planning on living with “college love” and then realized not only did I not want to live with him, I wasn’t in love with him, and ended our 4+ year relationship. A story for another time. But left me with the apartment, and then left me falling in love and staying in the area.)
Anyway! Could it all be coincidental? Sure, we live near each other. But it’s getting strange the amount we see each other and yet we don’t even say “Hi”. It’s also starting to feel like fate is saying “DO YOU SEE THIS BOY? DO SOMETHING ALREADY!”
Fate, could you push just a little bit more? Preferably push him into making the first move 🙂

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Without trying to get too philosophical in this post I have been thinking about something.

If things didn’t change back at the end of November, as in if B and I didn’t break up, I would have kept going along in life as exactly the same person. Basically I was happy, I was content, and I’m not sure how much I would have pushed myself to do new things. Maybe smaller things, but I’m not sure I would have ever been given the chance to focus on myself. To really deep down take a look at myself, and what things I need or want to start doing to feel meaning in my own life.

I also wouldn’t have been given this outside appreciation of what I did have with B. I mean I knew how happy I was, and what a great team we felt like. But I am being given the chance to really reflect on what I want and need from any future relationships.

I’m trying really hard to figure out how to best use this time. There are days when I want to let myself be sad, although I’m trying hard to not allow that, (but it’s so easy to remember certain times together, or conversations, and there goes the chest tightening and the throat closing and tears), but really, somehow I have this feeling that this is the time. The only time I get to figure out who I am and what I want so that when I’m in that next relationship, I can be the best me with that person.

It’s also given me a new perspective on how others feel, may feel or have felt. It’s so easy to tell someone in time they will find the right person for them, or that they will be OK when you yourself are already in that position. The thing is when I told people that I really was being genuine about it. I have no doubt that certain people in my life will find the right person or get through hard times. It’s really helped me reflect and want to be a better listener and supporter of my friends and family. I think without trying it has helped me judge less and be more open to just listening.

I’m also learning a bit about me. I can never explain to anyone really how our breakup occurred. It surprised everyone, including myself and B. But that night on the phone I pushed and pushed and pushed and the thing is, no matter what he said or did, it wasn’t going to be enough. My Mom once told me I push as hard as I can to try to make someone prove they love me and won’t leave. (If you were to analyze me I’m sure it goes back to my Dad leaving.) But it’s not fair to someone. It’s especially not fair when I knew how much B loved me. When I still know. I pushed with only one result in mind. Why did I do that? I don’t want to do that to someone again. Or maybe the right person would feel me start doing that and say, “Caitlin, I’m not going anywhere.”

I talked to my Gram last night for the first time since her death. (As in, I talked to “her”). I know she’d be proud of me but for some reason I haven’t felt like it’s enough. She always seemed to believe in me – she told me I was going to be successful and that I was this beautiful girl. Sometimes I’m scared if she were still around I wouldn’t be living up to her expectations. Last night I just wanted to talk to her. To hear that she still believed in me, or to tell me that I was going to be OK. I can’t believe it’s been 3 years as of last week.

I can’t help but be impatient to be at that point though. When this all makes sense. When it’s time for “the greatness”.

“The greatness comes not when things go always good for you. But the greatness comes when you’re really tested, when you take some knocks, some disappointments, when sadness comes.” – Richard M. Nixon

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makes me a procrastinator.

BUT, what a niiiiice weekend!
Friday night was a lot of fun. You know it’s going to be a good night when you start the night with shots of tequila, cinnamon and orange slices. Then we headed to a bar down the street to meet up with my cousin who was up from NY with her boyfriend and got to meet him for the first time. The strangest thing about the first bar was that it was all men. I didn’t even notice at first because we were at the end of the bar and my back was to everyone behind me and I was just focused on chatting with the girls. All the sudden I turned around and there they all were. The thing is, it felt great to be hit on, or to laugh at some of the pick up lines (“What up girl?) but it’s so hard to meet someone in a bar. It was more fun just to hang out with my friends and do a little bar hopping and feel flattered when a guy complimented me or attempted to pick me up in one way or another. I’ve also noticed (a very good sign) — my sex drive seems to be coming back. I knew it was going to take a hiatus after the breakup and then it seemed to just really go away. But lately and maybe with the addition of the extra exercising — it’s baaaaack! The only problem of course is that adds to another thing I’d like from a man. The list seems to be growing…
  • Sense of humor
  • Intelligent
  • Passionate (about something, anything!)
  • 6 ft or taller
  • Open-minded
  • Active (at the gym and outdoors – hiking, kayaking, shooting, etc)
  • Likes to travel
  • Matching sex drive
Anyway, Saturday morning it was beautiful out. My cousin and her bf, myself and two of my girlfriends sat outside having brunch in the sunny weather. It was wonderful. Saturday afternoon I did a serious clean of my apartment – scrubbed the floors, bathroom, took out a ridiculous amount of garbage and it just feels so much better now. I feel like I can sit in this nice airy clean apartment.
Then my two besties from childhood came up and we did a late dinner and a walk with frozen yogurt. It felt like a big slumber party in my studio apartment! This morning we had brunch and then walked all around Boston. It was really fun to see Boston through their eyes as “tourists”. It made me appreciate my area so much more since I can walk to everything, my gym, grocery store, restaurants are right near by. I love it.
A quick update on the Life Balance Wheel. Exercise week #1 felt great! My 5k’s, my spinning class – the only mini goal I need to change is my Jillian DVD. I don’t think my neighbors living below me appreciated me doing jumping jacks at 6:45am (in fact I know they didn’t from the banging on the walls). Oops. I have to figure out a good replacement for that one.
Now I’m procrastinating since what I need to be doing is my final paper and presentation for my Tuesday night class. I’m also trying really hard to come up with a unique gift for my Mom for Mother’s Day. I’d love to get her something that shows how much I appreciate her and nothing seems right. And B’s birthday is coming up and I’d like to get him something …

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Sometimes the thing I miss most about being with B is the meaning and purpose I would feel when we spent time together. We seemed to bring out the best qualities in each other. We’d wake up early on weekend mornings, we’d seize the day and find unknown hidden restaurants, visit family, go camping, shooting, anything. I think after a night of drinking like last night (a fun night though might I add) it does feel a little sad and empty when I wake up in my empty bed, it’s already after 9am and I’ve got a slight headache.
Everyone around me is finally getting that I have to be the person to decide what’s best for me. They’ll ask about B and the time I am spending with him but they don’t judge, they don’t lecture, they just let me figure out how I feel. They’re supporting me and it feels really good. Instead of being on any type of defense and spending time trying to fight back – I’m spending time trying to figure out what I want.
I think it’s also the most unusual situation any of us have been in. So many times it’s easy to say how one should or shouldn’t act or feel after a relationship ends. I think the most important thing is that I’m not one to torture myself. If I felt like I was being tortured by keeping him in my life then I would have to remove him. I am not one to wallow forever. (I mean I’m sure at times it sounds like that on here, because I’m being honest and venting, but my life hasn’t stopped!)
The way I think about it is, this is a person who has significantly changed me life. He truly is one of my best friends and I choose keeping my best friend even if that means losing “us” or any future chance at an “us”. I choose getting to continue to send each other emails about random events, history facts or funny political articles. Or getting to continue experiencing things like rock climbing, camping, shooting, etc. And not once have we kissed or done anything else sexually since our break-up. I will not. (Doesn’t mean I of course don’t think about it…) But I don’t want to mess this up.
I don’t know what our future holds, and for all I know it could mean a huge let down of sorts. I’ve got to follow my instinct on this one and accept that it all work out – the way it should.

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