So please, just listen.

Whenever someone tells me a problem in their life my first instinct is to give advice. It’s not because I think I know what’s best for them (or anyone) for that matter. It’s not because I think I have the answers or the experience or see a solution they don’t see. It’s because I care about them and I truly just want their problem solved. I think the instinct to give advice when hearing a problem is my desire to fix whatever is wrong so they aren’t hurting anymore. In recent years though I have realized sometimes people don’t want advice. Sometimes advice makes people feel worse. A lot of the time people just want someone to listen. And it’s funny because when you really listen, sometimes you can hear that the person already has an answer. 

This happened to me yesterday. I had a great day with B. Really great. We spent a solid 8 hours together and I’m not going to lie. I was really happy.

Is it sad today? A little.
Do I miss him today? Absolutely.
Am I happy though today? Yes.

Yes because I had a great day with him and he reminded me of a lot of things. He reminded me that someone out there truly loves me. That someone else out there (maybe more than one) is also capable of loving me in that same way. And that same way means having chemistry and a deep connection where we can hang out for 8 hours and talk about everything and anything. I will find that love, and I’m not closing myself off to it. However, I will not settle for anything less than that.

Anyway, point being I talked to my mother after I came home. She has commented a couple of times in the past few months that I “never tell her anything anymore”. So when she asked about my weekend I told her a quick version of all the fun girl time and Sunday with B. Then the advice (or really the comments) started.

…”Well you’re not going to find someone else if you keep comparing them to B.”
…”I can see you’re not ready to be in a new relationship anyway, I just wanted you to date so you wouldn’t get stuck.”
…”You can’t expect to feel a connection with someone that quickly.”

And it went on. $@#&%*!!!! is how I felt. I wasn’t asking for advice! I just wanted to tell you about my life!

Every time I tried to explain how I feel right now she’d retaliate with another comment. And it wasn’t helpful. If anything it made me shut down and not want to tell her about my life because right now her negativity isn’t helping. It’s bringing me down.

I know she means the best for me and I’m trying to remind myself of that. But I’m 25. I have been in love 3 times now. (All very different loves but love none the less). And I also have felt chemistry with a number of men. I know what it feels like. I KNOW that a deep connection takes time. But I also know that when you connect with someone, you feel it and you know it. Even just that tiny spark that says “I want to see you again after tonight”. Just because I went on 3 dates doesn’t mean I had to have felt something with any of them. And sorry, but I didn’t. When the idea of kissing a certain person makes you cringe and shudder, there’s no spark.

So my thought today is that every situation is different and ultimately people are going to do what they want to do.

Right now, I want support. Right now, I need to be the one and I am capable of being the one to decide what’s best for me. I need to find my own way. But I want need my friends and family to support me and listen through the process.

So please, just listen.

…./
For some helpful tidbits on listening, I think this article has a few great tips:

“You seldom listen to me, and when you do you don’t hear, and when you do hear you hear wrong, and even when you hear right you change it so fast that it’s never the same.” – Marjorie Kellogg

1. Listen, Listen, Listen. Ask your friend what’s wrong, and really listen to the answer. Let them vent their fears, frustrations and other important feelings, maintaining eye contact and showing that you’re interested in what they have to say. Resist the urge to give advice, and just let them get it out.

2. Reframe What You Hear. Summarize and repeat back your understanding of what they’re saying so they know you’re hearing them, and focus on the emotions they might be feeling. For example, if your friend is talking about family problems, you might find yourself saying, “It looks like things are getting pretty hostile. You sound like you’re feeling hurt.”

3. Ask About Feelings. Ask them to expand on what they’re feeling. Asking about their feelings provides a good emotional release and might be more helpful than just focusing on the facts of their situation.

4. Keep The Focus On Them. Rather than delving into a related story of your own, keep the focus on them until they feel better. You can reference something that happened to you if you bring the focus back to them quickly. They will appreciate the focused attention, and this will help them feel genuinely cared for and understood.

5. Help Brainstorm. Rather than giving advice in the beginning, which cuts off further exploration of feelings and other communication, wait until they’ve gotten their feelings out, and then help them brainstorm solutions. If you help them come up with ideas and look at the pros and cons of each, they’re likely to come up with a solution they feel good about. Or they might feel better after just being able to talk and feeling heard.

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