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Archive for May 20th, 2010

I just looked at my calendar. It’s been exactly 6 months today since we broke up. 

What do you do in 6 months after your life has been turned upside down? Well here’s what I have done… 

  1. Cry. A lot.
  2. Lose 10 lbs without trying. Joke that it’s the “breakup diet”.
  3. Spend my 25th birthday in a hotel room with the best girlfriends a girl can imagine and cry… a lot. (It was a day after the breakup.)
  4. Take an approved gun safety training course. (Have to clarify this one – target shooting became a fun hobby with B however, to be able to go on my own or with other friends I need a license so that’s step one to getting a license. Still no license yet.)
  5. Spend the holidays with friends and family and realize how truly and deeply loved I am.
  6. Go to Ireland for a week anyway with B against what everyone says. Have an amazing time. Have nothing sexual happen. (Cuddling, yes.)
  7. Come home confused, missing him, start the breakup process over.
  8. Feel like I’m having a quarter life crisis.
  9. Start a blog. Start connecting with people who have similar experiences (boy does it help).
  10. Start playing in a cornhole league once a week at a bar with a friend. Realize we’d rather just have dinner together.
  11. Hear that a best friend from college got engaged.
  12. Run a 5k in February…in Boston…by the water.
  13. Spend Valentine’s day with Mom, Aunt & Uncle.
  14. Join eHarmony. (Realize later a hiatus in dating is probably better.)
  15. Go on 3 different dates. (End result…No thank you number 1, 2 or 3.)
  16. Go to an awesome Flogging Molly concert.
  17. Experience emotions and inward looking that is incredibly painful, frustrating, exhausting.
  18. Struggle with the ups and downs of being best friends with your ex-boyfriend.
  19. Survive everyone asking questions, giving advice, trying to tell you what’s best for you.
  20. Have an amazing reunion in Buffalo with college best friends.
  21. Struggle with trying to answer “why?”
  22. Take two of the hardest and most time-consuming night graduate courses while work becomes insanely busy.
  23. Get promoted, get an 8k raise, and an extra week of vacation.
  24. Go to Mexico with Mom & younger sister for a week and appreciate family even more.
  25. See family (cousins, sisters, parents) a lot.
  26. Spend a lot of time with friends. Realize that I have two amazing childhood best friends (17 years and counting) and 6 of the most thoughtful caring Boston girlfriends.
  27. Get hit on in bars by a lot of different men. Flirt but know – they don’t stand a chance.
  28. Drive 9 hours in one day to be at the shower of one of my college best friends.
  29. Graduate from graduate program and officially become a master.
  30. Reaffirm that these girls are amazing during my “mock” graduation.
  31. Run another 5k – in the cold pouring rain with 2,000 marines.
  32. Decide to do a triathlon.
  33. Start training for a triathlon.
  34. Try indoor rock-climbing.  LOVE it.
I won’t lie, I will fully and vulnerably admit these have been the hardest 6 months of my life. I’m struggling to figure out who I am, what I want, what I don’t want, and why I am no longer with the one guy I love.
 
But, I made sure when we broke up that I wouldn’t stop living. And I haven’t.
 
I do truly feel stronger than I did 5 months ago. In fact I feel the strongest I have ever felt in my life.
 
So what can I do at this point? Keep living.
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I avoided writing a post (well it’s going to take a few posts) on my relationship with B for a couple of reasons. Partly because  it’s truly impossible to capture the depth of our relationship with my words, so it almost feels like in a way I’ll trivialize what we had. But mostly because it’s going to be painful.

But, I had been thinking about doing it for awhile. Maybe in hopes it would be healing or just to have the story down somewhere for the future. After navadina’s comment yesterday I think I’m going to try to do it. And I just realized it’s almost exactly 6 months since we broke up so I guess the time is fitting.

So I guess I should start from the very beginning….

The way we met.

It’s actually really funny and random how we met. Back in November 2007 I came home from work one day frustrated. I was irritated at my job and I was irritated with the co-worker I had been really close friends with and made the mistake of turning it into a friends with benefits type deal (dumb young mistake). At the time MySpace was still around (…yeah I know  but it was still a competitor with facebook then!) Anyway, I got on MySpace and very randomly did a search. I searched Males between the age of 23-28 in my area in the IT Profession. I don’t know what my goal was but I never imagined the result.

Search results come in and I scan through the rows of people and one person immediately caught my eye. It was a picture of a pretty fit guy holding a ginormous tuna on a fishing boat. I clicked into his profile and he looked interesting so I hit the “add as friend” thing. After doing that I got bored to be honest, shut off my computer and cleaned my apartment. (Okay I probably didn’t clean my apartment but I did something.)

The next day I receive a message from him. “Hey Caitlin, have we met before? I was out with a bunch of [where I went to college] people last night so wasn’t sure if I had briefly met you.”

I panicked a little. I didn’t think he’d know anyone I knew. It turned out he had gone to camp with a few people who were a couple years older at my college and had literally been out with them the night before. (Awhile into our dating he’d tell me he thought they were trying to set him up.)

I responded with “No we don’t know each other. I was looking through the IT Professionals in the area and came across you.”

He then later responded with, “Well I don’t normally accept friend requests from people I don’t know but we can change that. Would you want to grab lunch one day?”

So I responded with something along the lines of “sure”.

A day or two later he sent me a message saying he was planning on going to this Young Professionals Networking Event (to look for client prospects for his job) that happened to be at the law firm across the street from my law firm and maybe I should go.

I rallied up two of my girlfriends and my cousin to come with me that night.

It was a fairly large turnout of what were mostly young lawyers, drinking a lot, and schmoozing. After I was there about 10 minutes he came over and introduced himself.

Here’s what I remember. My stomach fluttering. He has his name tag on his belt. He looked thinner than I expected. He was holding a glass in his hand which I had presumed was rum and coke. (Later I’d find out it was just coke.) He was confident and comfortable as I had 3 of my girlfriends standing by. He was smart. He made me laugh.

We chatted on and off throughout the night. He gave me one of his business cards. (I didn’t have cards at the time.) He dropped his business card in this raffle thing and ended up winning a free MBA class.

The night ended and I knew there was something there. I wasn’t sure what it was but I just knew I wanted to see him again. Something was drawing me to him. The whole thing was so strange – the one random person I clicked on MySpace and ended up meeting up with.

We parted with nice to meet you and he went home and I went with my cousin to watch the Pats game at a bar…

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