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Archive for June, 2010

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Sometimes you just have a bad day. While there are a lot of positives I can focus on today sometimes you have to just accept that it was a bad day and tomorrow will be better.

My day started with a very long and very frustrating meeting. I have done my job for over 3 years and I work pretty hard. I’ve had long days and long nights of graduate school to be even better at my job. I have been promoted twice in the few years. I always try to be extremely accommodating to all of those I work with.

But today was different. There’s a woman at work who is just miserable to me. Out of defense, insecurity, or just disliking me – whatever it is – her behavior is absurd. Today in a meeting she kept referencing me in front of others as “poor Caitlin”. She was referring to me as that because  before my boss came into the meeting (late) she and her manager had been airing their gripes about my team to me. I can hold my own. Don’t call me poor anything.

Minutes later as she is explaining something she says, “J, it would be helpful to see this, or do this, and you [she looks at me and waves her hand] whatever your name is, can help with this.”

She had just said my name prior. She was sitting right next to me.

She was trying to make me feel disposable.

I was livid. Flustered. Appalled. We’re in a large professional law firm. We’re practically teammates in the same department. She is not my boss. She is not even close to my boss. Who does she think she is?

Never have I had a Partner or an Associate even talk to me like that let alone an informational professional. Never would that woman imagine to talk to me like that with our Director or COO present. It’s absolutely unprofessional. And childish. And no where near the first time it’s happened. That cow.

Anyway, after lots of thinking and cooling down I decided my amazing mother helped me formulate my action plan. I’ll be mentioning to my boss (who witnessed some of this anyway) that I felt it was really inappropriate the way the cow treated me and that if it happens again I plan on asking the cow to talk after with just me.

The cow and I will have a nice conversation. I will say, we have a large project that is going to span the next 6 months and will be working together often. We both have the same goals at the end of the day. I am willing to put 100% into this project. However, I find it very inappropriate and belittling when you say blank blank blank to me. I’d appreciate you treat me the same way you would any other team member.

My mother mentioned that people like that will usually continue until confronted because they know they can. And if that doesn’t work then I’ll really ask my boss to step in.

I’m trying so very hard to keep a cool head about this. To be the bigger person. To know that karma will take care of it all.

But it sure is difficult…Cow.

 

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These little things brightened my day today…

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  • A push your limits meditative spin class
    My spin instructor played some crazy native american/latin sounding music tonight. At the end of the class during the last sprint when my legs were burning I felt like I was in a trance. I pushed myself and it felt sooo goood (…after I finished. During it felt soooo painful)
  • Texting commentary back and forth with my bestest from my hometown while watching tv shows “together”
  • Finalizing plans with the girls for seeing Eclipse Friday night (yes I admit, I want to) and beach the rest of the weekend
  • Making amazingly yummy banana softserve (I blended 1 frozen banana, a little skim milk) and topped with a few whole almonds and a spoonful of almond butter
  • A segment on the O’Reilly Factor regarding the Afghanistan war
    Note on this: I love watching the O’Reilly Factor because I love getting viewpoints on everything political. I definitely don’t always agree with O’Reilly and I don’t always disagree. I usually like to follow this up with a New York Times opinion article. Either way they all present political issues and get me all riled up

And tomorrow? A run with my Garmin Forerunner (that I named Gunnar) and Wednesday hump night picnic dinner with the girls.

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I have this bad habit of throwing tissues, wrappers, receipts etc, into my bags and in my car. Somehow I form these little piles of trash basically. It’s so anti my type-a control personality and yet it happens a lot. One day after dumping one bag to switch to another bag there was a mound of all this type of stuff on my bed. B immediately dubbed this as a “nest” and subsequently referred to them as “my nests” each time he came across them.

This past weekend without really meaning to I put gum wrappers, a paper towel, etc into B’s cup holder in his new car. I was going to take it out eventually but felt like it was a good spot for the time being. He started yelling (in a joking way) about my nests. I jokingly said back, “add it to your list of things you don’t miss about me!”

I swear with certain relationships I have had this connection where you think about them hard enough and somehow you both know and make contact. I can’t explain it.

Anyway, I was sitting at work yesterday, feeling a bit nostalgic and missing B/feeling the empty stomach pit feeling and he texted, “For the record, I do miss the nests, a little bit.”

It doesn’t magically make me feel better and it doesn’t change anything, but sometimes it’s nice to know someone might be thinking of you too.

Sunday afternoon was a bad afternoon. I have realized the pattern of weekend afternoons where I’m in my apartment and start to get upset. I know in that situation I need to push myself out of there. I love my apartment but it’s toxic when I’m like that. I don’t even recognize myself when I’m like that. I don’t like that girl, at all.

I forced myself to head out on a quick 5k run (using my new Garmin forerunner which is aaamazing – except it makes me wish I could run a lot faster) and then went over to one of the girls’ places where we all sat on top of the roof (literally a black tar roof) on blankets and chatted and then had dinner. It didn’t take away the feeling and I was putting on my best front as I didn’t want to talk about it, but it distracted me.

And yesterday, I still felt sad, I was fighting the lump in the back of my throat, and I felt lost again. Back to the “now what?” feeling.

I’m feeling a little better as I head back into routine and feel so thankful for somehow still having this feeling of faith. I don’t understand any of it now, but eventually I know I will. And it’ll work out for the best. I’m just so so thankful that I deep down feel that way because I can’t imagine how much more lost I’d feel otherwise.

It does however probably mean lots of roller-coaster -going around in circles-type of posts and fabulous bloggers like becelisa commenting and lifting my spirits (even during my most irritating heartbroken blogging moments). Thank you all for reading, for commenting, etc.

Right now, I know there are a few things I want to focus on:

  • Push a lot harder with my tri training. I’m 7 weeks in and to be honest, I have noticed slight differences but I’m doing the bare minimum of my training. I need to push harder, especially with swimming.
  • Plan one little thing each day that I know I’ll look forward to or makes me happy.
    For ex, lunch yesterday with my best friend was sooo nice. Wed night dinners with the girls. My Thursday night spin class. Or a phone call with my bestest friend from my hometown. Or So You Think You Can Dance and ice cream. Whatever it is, I think by doing that I’ll focus more on each day versus the past or the future.
  • Find a good book to read. I have always LOVED reading, it completely puts me into another world. I haven’t been reading recently and I know with the right book it’ll be something I’ll look forward to every night before bed.
  • Get a little more out of my comfort zone. I’m in my own routine (that I love) but I’m kind of at my own fault for not meeting new people. This weekend will be a great opportunity to go with the flow, be open to chatting/meeting other people, etc. Maybe it’s time to drop into that dance class with my little sister.

 I happened across this quote in a blog this morning. I think it’s a good mantra for now.

“Each phase in my grief journey allows me to explore where I am right now. By accepting that I am where I must need to be, I am free to live today. The place I am today can become friend instead of foe. The journey into my loss has already created change, and the present and future will create more. Now may be the time to examine my expectations of myself, and accept that I am where I need to be for now.”  [quoted from this blog post]

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I’d be lying if I didn’t say this afternoon is painful. Of course it is.
 
Camping with B was awesome. We kept it entirely in the friend zone, no cuddling, no hand-holding, just a fun day and a half. We had a fun chatty drive up to the campground, set up camp, ate lunch, went on alpine slides, came back, hung out and played cards while it started to drizzle, cooked dinner, ran into the truck to eat dinner while it down poured, made some s’mores, walked the campground while smoking cigars, and got into the tent to chat a little and go to sleep. This morning we went for a quick very cold dip in the swimming hole, drove for breakfast in another town, stopped very shortly at the outlets and now I’m back.
 
And empty.
 
I know I’m doing it to myself by hanging out with him. And I guess that’s just it, I’m willing to feel shitty for the afternoon because we did have a great time, and it wasn’t hard to be around him. When we’re together it’s just good – it’s good to be around each other, it’s good to talk about everything, it’s good to feel comfortable. It’s hard this afternoon because now I don’t know when or if we’ll get time like this together again.
 
And it’s hard to imagine anyone being able to take his place. Part of it is that I don’t want someone else to take his place. Part of it is that I just can’t imagine anyone actually being able to. I know deep down, things happen for a reason. There’s a reason for all of this.
 
But I can’t believe how much it still hurts. He’s home unpacking his tent and probably getting organized for the week. I’m sitting on my couch praying this ache can one day go away.
 
For whatever reason I wasn’t enough. I’m still not enough.

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Last night I hustled out of work to get to the gym so I could meet all the girls for our 6:45 picnic date. As I was crossing the street about a block away from my building I felt the swoosh of someone come up right next to me. Without looking I assumed it was someone I knew. The proximity of the person led me to believe it would be one of my friends messing with me.

But when I turned to look, I didn’t recognize the man walking very close alongside me.

As we made eye contact he said, “Hi!!! How are you?”
I looked at him quizzically and said, “Uh, good, how are you?”
He then said, “Good. We ride the same bus in the morning!”
I responded, “Which bus?”
Bus man said, “XX bus” (my bus line)

Realizing then he thought I meant what bus line when really I more meant what time. The bus comes at slotted times but I’m rarely on the same bus because I have been coming into work early or working out. Plus it’s usually the same people every morning and I recognize most of them anyway. I have never noticed him.

Me: “Oh no, sorry I meant which time?”
Bus man: “The 8:23

The bus I had taken each morning for the past week.

Bus man:  “I’ve been walking behind you in the morning – we go the same route!”
Me: “Oh yeah?”

As we’re walking he inches even closer and I can feel his arm touching my arm. He continues to chat and mentions he isn’t taking the bus now because he was headed to the gym. The same gym I was headed to. When he hears it’s my gym too he excitedly says, “We have the same routine!”

At this point I tell him I’d probably run into him again but I was turning down a different street to pick up headphones before the gym. I said see you later and he looked at me like I was supposed to say something else.

Now picture bus man being a good-looking confident man. I didn’t mind that he encroached on my personal space and even felt sparks when he touched my arm.

But no. Oh no no no.

Now picture the opposite.

This was a man probably 15 years my senior. Sweaty, gray and balding. Nervously chatting away. With every inch closer to me, I’d inch away. He then inch even more towards me. Did I mention you could see the dandruff coated on the shoulders of his shirt?

I think I found my reason to get up earlier to work out. 7am bus you have a new passenger.

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I don’t even know where to begin or what to focus on. The past 5 days have been filled with family, work, friends, tri training, craziness!

I realized something last Friday at work. Now that I’m exempt and work has been so busy I haven’t be able to take a traditional lunch. I find myself scarfing down food at my desk while multi-tasking. So on Friday I decided if I was going to be at work for longer hours why not go for a swim during the day? At about 11:50 I went over to the gym down the street from my office, changed, got 20 minutes of laps in, showered and was back to the office by about 1:05. I figure with the extra time I’m putting in once a week it’s OK to get my gym time in during the day.

I wish I could do it every day. It felt great to work out in the middle of the day. My energy is definitely higher and I’m probably a much nicer person to work with. Yesterday at work I was in meeting after meeting so when 2pm rolled around I ran over to the gym, ran 3 miles, showered and got back to work by 3:15. I felt a little nauseous from running around but it was great to get my work out in. While I definitely can’t do it every day, it’s great to realize that once a week I can get one of my workouts in midday.

This past Sunday (it was 6,000 degrees and humid in Boston) I went for a run along the Charles with the bachelor. It was actually really nice to have some time with a guy. I love my girlfriends to death, but once in a while it’s nice to hang out with some testosterone. 😉  I know that the spark isn’t there, but spending time with him was still nice. I take back a lot of what I felt from our initial meeting, turns out he is a great listener, easy to carry on a conversation with, intelligent and just low-key. It seems like we both like the training together friendship versus anything more. As much as my friends may push that something could develop I already know. If I felt it, I wouldn’t be questioning whether I wanted to hang out with him, or if I was attracted to him– I just would be.

Last night I went indoor rock climbing with B.  It was really great because we went to the place he normally goes to and the walls are higher and it’s a totally different atmosphere than the place I went for my lesson. I passed my belay test easily (yay!) and we got to climbing. Maybe it’s the tri training but I definitely felt more in shape and my legs felt a lot stronger.

It was the most friendly it has ever felt with him. There were no text messages after about how great a time it was, there were no moments where he said he almost put his hand on my leg while we were driving – it was just friendly. It was a really strange feeling. Bittersweet maybe? I have to try not to analyze or think about it and instead continue focusing on each day as it comes. When I realize I’m  we’re letting go of each other in that sense, something in me wants to fight. And there just isn’t anything to fight for anymore.

There was a moment that does still have me laughing today. We each had a protein bar before climbing but we didn’t finish until almost 9pm so we were starving when we finished. There’s a Kelly’s Roast Beef drive thru (amazing) so we hit that up on the way out. As I was dipping my first onion ring into cheese sauce (I have to indulge once in a while, right?) without meaning to, I moaned on the first bite. He looked at me and jealously (jokingly) said, “I don’t think I ever even made you moan like that”. What can I say, with the lack of in that department food seems to be taking its place. Ugh, and seriously the lack of is starting to get to me…

We talked a little about our plans for camping this weekend. I’m psyched to just get a day and a half away from the world. We’re headed to alpine slides then camping for a night. We always had the best conversations in the car so I’m looking forward to catching up.

Mostly though I’m really looking forward to just getting out of “the race” for a few days. Now that I have been so busy and running from one thing to the next, I appreciate and look forward to slowing down so much more.

I have been noticing that I just seem to like contradictions. Just like becelisa commented about a man that’s a contradiction (which I very much agree is my type of guy!) I also want a life that seems to be a contradiction. During the week I want my corporate job, my gym sessions, my dinners out with friends, etc in the city – the “fast-paced city life”– but on weekends I want a beach or lake house that I could retreat to to just relax – read, go on trail/beach runs, have a garden, cook/grill dinners, and enjoy the company of someone special.

 

And to add on to the contradictions, I am loving being single for the first time. I want to be single for a while and focus on myself and be totally selfish. But I find myself wishing I could share moments with a partner, or have getaway weekend trips, or just have someone to share my bed with…

Anyway, after a quick bike session at the gym tonight I’m meeting up with 5 of the girls for a picnic on the river. Instead of going out to eat we are each bringing something for the picnic (pasta salad, cheeses, sandwich fixings, wine, etc). It’s exactly the hump day night I need!

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The first two weeks of my college term abroad in Tasmania were spent camping. Only 10 of us were chosen to go on this Anthropology term abroad, 5 boys and 5 girls. While I knew the girls I didn’t know the boys at all. There was one boy, the kind of boy who in college I found mysterious and interesting and therefore he immediately drew me in.
 
But I had a boyfriend so I tried to ignore the weird pull we had towards each other the first few days. But somehow, on New Years Eve, while we were still in Sydney in a crowd of hundreds of thousands – we lost the rest of the group and were among the first people in the world to celebrate the start of the new year.
 
A few days later we started camping around Tasmania. On the second or third night we were at a campground and I remember we couldn’t fall asleep. He and I decided to pull our sleeping bags out of our tents and lay out on a picnic bench together and look up at the stars. I remember saying (a common phrase I’ve always had), tell me a story. He said what kind of story? I said I don’t know, just tell me a story! He started to tell me a story and next thing I knew it was dusk and we both woke up and knew we should go back into our tents before the others in our group woke up.
 
About a week later, while still camping he came over and handed me what looked like the inside section of a journal. He had written me a short story. It was written on his leather-bound journal paper, the thick kind, and it was folded so there were about 25 pages filled with swirly,  beautiful writing. The first page of the story had a dedication:
 
“Dedicated to those inpatient for the start and dreaming, smiling by the end.”
 
While we had a passionate, intense, consuming relationship on our term abroad, we went home to reality. We were in two totally different worlds, we each had betrayed our significant others, and the passion just died away.
 
That was one of the most romantic things a guy has ever done for me. Until B.
 
About a year into B & me dating we were in my childhood home. We were in my basement and I offhandedly mentioned that a few years prior my Gram and Gramp (before my Gram passed away) gave me an entire leather-bound collection of Shakespeare books. They meant the world to me. Of all of the grandchildren they wanted to give them to me. It was the last present they gave me before she passed away. While in college they were kept in a trunk in the basement and got damaged by water. My mother threw them out. B and I went back upstairs and later back to Boston.
 
About a month later I came home from work and walked into my Boston apartment. There was a chair sitting in my living room with a card on it. I was confused and totally thrown off.
 
The front of the envelope said, “To my sweet Caitlin“.
The back of the envelope said, “something to read between our adventures.”
And the inside said,
Why? Because in my wildest dreams, I couldn’t possibly imagine a more intelligent and beautiful woman who I enjoy sharing my life with. What can I say, you’re the absolute best. I love you, B.”
 
There, sitting in a row on my bookshelf, was an entire collection of leather-bound Shakespeare books.
 
I had thought I knew what romance and love were before B. It took B to understand real love. Not consuming, obsessive love but true, understanding, deeply committed love.
 
Will I ever have that again?

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