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Archive for November, 2010

“I need to shift the sails before the ship goes down.”

Maura had this quote in her last post and I haven’t stopped thinking about it.

My attitude of late is not something I’m proud of. Irritable, defensive, reclusive, and lazy. Knowing this is so far from my norm makes it feel that much worse.

I need to push myself out from wanting to be miserable. For some reason it just seems easier to keep riding through the days. But eventually the ship will go down and I fear at that point, it’ll be that much harder to shift my sails.

So I’m shifting. It may be slow but I’ve got to get back to feeling happy, secure, and excited. I think back to how I felt after completing my first triathlon. It was one of the best feelings – pure accomplishment, pride, excitement, and even astonishment. And it carried over for days. The weeks prior to the tri I had a schedule, a purpose and a hobby outside of work and friends and heartbreak.

Today I’m leaving November with my bored and negative outlook.

I’m leaving behind my 25th year and have started my 26th golden year and it’s time to make it golden.

I’m leaving behind the one year mark of B and I being broken up.

I’m leaving behind the heartbreak and the waiting for something to change between B and I.

I’m leaving behind the binge eating at night and the unhealthy living habits.

I’m leaving behind the nights of not enough sleep, of staying up well past midnight watching hours of trash tv.

I’m leaving behind the excuses – to not work out, to not meet friends out, to not clean my apartment, to not be productive at work – no more.

I’m leaving behind the victim mentality – I am responsible for my own happiness.

I’m leaving behind the fear – of moving on, of living my life and trying new things, of being single.

Hey December, bring it on.

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I need a change in perspective. I don’t know how to wake myself out of this funk. I’m usually pretty good at this.

I realized the past few weeks that I’m floating through each day. I’m just going through the motion. I’m not productive at work, I’m doing the bare minimum to get me through the day. I am getting irritated and mad too easily.

I get home and watch TV to zone out as much as possible until I can fall asleep and then repeat the same thing.

I’m seeing friends and family and there are short moments where I feel like me again but overall something is missing.

Even my upcoming trip isn’t exciting me as much as it should.

Am I bored? Restless? Depressed? Too comfortable?

How do I snap out of this? I want to snap out of this.

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Git in mah belly

Thanksgiving is by far my favorite holiday. When my family gets together for Thanksgiving it’s truly is epic.

I feel like a 4th grader the day before holiday break from school. I’m so antsy and excited that I’m past the point of impatient for the day’s end.

Happy Thanksgiving 🙂

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I almost surprise myself when there’s this sudden snap and I feel angry at B.

He didn’t do anything today per say but I’m irritated at the past few days. I’m annoyed that we had that emotional dinner, that he sent me those texts and that now it’s just “back to normal”.

It makes me want to chuck my phone at the wall when he texts or calls. But even more, it makes me want to move on, fall in love again and remember what it feels like to be loved selflessly.

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In dire need of a book

I really really really need a good book. A book I can sink into and get away from everything else over vacation.

I’ve been struggling to find a book I can get into. Any recommendations are greatly appreciated.

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On Friday night there was silence.

I went to boxing where I was slightly out of it. I went home and watched a ridiculous amount of tv and went to bed.

On Saturday morning I woke up to a text from B. Back to normal. It was a picture message of half a piece of gum. I only chew half a piece of gum at a time. Meanwhile B chews 2 pieces at once.

He sent a picture of the half piece I had left in his pack on Thursday night with a description, “Now I can eat 2.5 pieces at once”.

Me: “Waste not, want not.”
B: “More is better.”
Me: “Less is more.”
B: “Less is boring
Me: “I doubt anyone would ever consider me boring ;)”
B: “I was never referring to you. You have MORE of most things than most women could ever hope for
Me: (trying to keep it light) “Like junk in my trunk?”
B: “Like brains, good looks, hobbies and nests

…..

And then I stopped the texting because we were talking in circles, and the more I tried to keep it light the more he made it serious.

I went to RI to pick up my little sister and had a nice dinner with some family. Boxer and I became friends on Facebook where I am now very aware of his young age and his even younger girlfriend. I couldn’t help but laugh when seeing his network was a high school graduation year of ’09. Yeaaah.

Then on Sunday I filled the evening with friends, tequila/cinnamon and orange shots, and the Wiz Khalifa show.

Which was awesome aside from the fact that it was full of 16-18 year old boys who thought they were way cooler than they really were.

But the plus was we got to stay for the meet and greet being the only few females there. I gave Wiz a nice hug and he signed my ticket. He also told me he hoped he’d look as hot as me at (almost) 26. Yeah…he’s 22.

So last night I went to bed and let’s be honest. I wished I had B lying next to me.

I’m more than ready for the Thanksgiving weekend. Give me my family, food, and a shut-off brain asap.

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“Seeing you last night made me realize how much I miss you and it really affected me.” – B

I could take that text I got 3 hours ago in so many ways. Instead I’m finishing my work day, boxing, then going home to shut my brain off. Those words could change everything…or more likely, they are just his words, and it won’t change anything at all.

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