Archive for December 14th, 2010

So the thing with seeing B is I like it when it’s controlled. We’re having dinner on Wednesday night mainly so I can borrow gear for my upcoming South America trip but also as a catch-up before the Holidays, etc. It works because it’s a set thing, I know we’ll catch-up and it’ll be nice. As we were coordinating the whole thing he mentions needing to go to pick up his race packet for this weekend.

We’re doing the same race on Sunday.

I don’t know why but it’s irritating me beyond belief. I am about to sound insane but I don’t want him at my race. I want to run that race with my friends without that feeling in the back of my mind that I’ll (literally) run into him.

I’m not moving on. I know I’m stalled. I haven’t been on a date since…June? I’ve had weird getting back together fantasies about B. I use him to fulfill some of my guy emotional desire.

But it’s not working anymore. Because I’m not fulfilled. And it’s time to be honest with myself. B isn’t enough. He isn’t available the way I need someone to be.

I’m just so mad at myself for continuing to hold on. How do I just force myself to let go. I’m so tired of holding on. Please please please let go.

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