Archive for December 16th, 2010

Surprise! B and I got into a nasty fight last night.

At first I was shocked when I got into work, how everything escalated so quickly, but then I’m not really. We do this, we go in circles. Except this time I don’t think the circle will continue.

I should have seen it coming with my moods recently. I should have known I’d pick a fight.

And maybe I exploded. And maybe it seems out of nowhere to him. But for me, I finally let it out.

Yes we care about each other. But you know what? I’m tired of making excuses for him. In the last year he has been selfish, he has hurt my feelings countless times, and he hasn’t been a friend when I need him to be. I wouldn’t tolerate the way he treats me from anyone else, so why have I let it be OK with him?

Funny but the actual dinner was nice. The war started via text after (which is always just fantastic). And I woke up this morning feeling angry and frustrated because I didn’t say what I needed to say. I didn’t say that this argument has been a year in the making but last night that small irritation sent it spiraling.

But this morning he gave me that opportunity. First with this text, “Do I need to worry about getting all my belongings back? Because I am.”

Luckily it was only seconds of my fury building as a result of that asshole text before the second text came through, “Also, I have to know, before this whole fight last night, would you have said, ‘I don’t feel like ur the person I knew’ ” [something I had said in my final text last night]

I know the gear text was his immature way of re-opening conversation, of showing his anger and being an a$$.

So finally FINALLY for the first time since we have broken up I said it all. I was always so fearful of losing our friendship if I was truly honest with him, and I may have now but you know what? I’m tired.

I said how shitty it was that we broke up over the phone while he was across the country and he came home “so upset” but didn’t even try to have a conversation in person with me about it.

I said how shitty some of his tactless comments were after our breakup. Or that packed in the gear I’m borrowing for my Patagonia trip? 5 condoms. That he didn’t mean to leave in there.

How on his birthday I took him to a nice dinner and got him a nice card and he was so thankful because no one else did anything for him on that day. But on my birthday? I got a “Happy Birthday text”.

How when he knew I went to a funeral two weeks ago he just said he was thinking of me but never asked who it was, what happened, if I was OK or needed to talk.

How when he found out my beach house was sold (he’s the one person outside my family who truly understands what that place means to me) I got a text that was basically “it’ll be ok”. Not do you need to talk, not a call, not a follow-up.

That every time I’m mad or upset, he manipulates it into me being the wrong one and somehow I find myself letting whatever it was I was mad about or upset about go.

So yes, he isn’t the same person I knew last year. This past year I have made excuse after excuse for him. I don’t even know why. Pride? To not let go? To make it seem like I’m stronger to everyone around me? But I told him that yes, last night’s fight I exploded, but it was a year in the making.

He hasn’t said a word back.

So fuck you B. Fuck You.

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