Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for the ‘Career’ Category

I’m in a weird state of wanting and having so many things to write about – but somehow I just haven’t made the time. I have a feeling in a few weeks I may be writing a lot more again.

I’m currently 33 weeks and 2 days pregnant. Holy moly time flies when you’re pregnant. I’m officially in the getting uncomfortable stage. There are still moments/hours where I forget I’m pregnant (seriously, sometimes I feel so normal) but now there are more and more moments (usually at night) where I feel very much pregnant. I can’t always catch my breath, can’t get comfortable, piercing back pains (mid and upper back, not lower like I expected), hip pain, feeling super hungry then super full, and lots of tossing and turning at night.

I’m also sort of over all the pregnancy comments and advice at this point. I take it all in stride, and truthfully it’ll probably only get worse once I have a newborn but it’s funny how much and what people comment about. The amount of people who will negatively comment about what I choose to not eat/drink it so surprising (I guess I expected it the other way, people telling me not to eat or drink things versus questioning when I don’t). It’s funny because I know people who have gone on such restrictive diets – be in juice cleanses, paleo, whole30, whatever the case to lose weight (in a healthy or even not so healthy way) and choose not to eat things because it doesn’t make them feel good or impacts them in some way (the amount of dairy free, gluten-free, caffeine free, etc. friends I have has I swear doubled) – and yet when I say no, sorry, I’m not drinking any alcohol, no I’m not eating lunch meats, etc. it becomes almost an argument. “you really can’t have any? Would once really be that bad? Is this little bit of cheese really going to do anything?” It’s like…giving up some unpasteurized cheese, runny eggs, or a glass of wine for 9 months – is nothing compared to making sure this is a healthy baby that I don’t hurt in any way shape or form. More than ever I care about what I am putting into my body because it’s not just about me. At the same time too, I would never ever judge anyone for what they decide to do or not do when pregnant. I would never, ever forgive myself it anything happened as a result of that one time. If they comfortable doing something – it’s their body and their baby – it’s not something I would ever comment on! I mean… do you know how many nights in a row I have eaten rocky road ice cream? Maybe someone should comment on that, ha. 🙂

I have these moments where I feel so lucky, blessed and excited (borderline impatient) for this little girl to arrive. Then to be honest I am having more and more moments of fear. It’s so soon! I just can’t fathom how things will change. How the Husband and I will change, how it won’t just be “us” anymore, how it will impact Bentley, how tired I’ll be, if I’ll feel alone at all, what if I don’t feel the immediate connection with her and I’m not a “natural” mom? What if I completely feel lost and depressed by staying home for 14 weeks – and not working – something I have done since the age of 13 without break. What if I take out my tired/frustration/fears on the Husband and we totally crumble? What if all we can talk about – to each other and everyone else – is diapers and poop and babies?

Things with Bentley have been a little crazy over the past few weeks – but somehow I think it all worked out for the best. Long story short, we got a call two weeks or so ago that right after Bentley was dropped at his daycare, he bit another dog. Apparently a dog was jumping on him, the owner saw Bentley growl at the dog, the dog kept jumping on him and Bentley turned his head and bit the dog. He bit her right on the head so it caused an open gash and that dog had to go to the vet. Unfortunately, the daycare owner said he just can’t watch the dogs that closely – and that Bentley seems to want to be able to have personal space throughout the day at different times and since this is one open room for 30 dogs, that doesn’t work and unfortunately now that he has bitten another dog, he just isn’t allowed to return. In other words, my dog got expelled!

I had some immediate reactions when I got the call. First, like a failed parent, I felt embarrassed. Then upset. Then, and maybe I’m rationalizing it, a little annoyed. I mean he admitted to seeing Bentley show a warning sign – and still did not separate them. Then totally overwhelmed – we were about to go away to a wedding in Baltimore the week after, and where would he stay if not at his normal daycare? Then I took action, as fast as I could. First the Husband picked him up, and the owner reiterated the story – and apparently seemed sad about it since they like him and he’s been going there for a year now, but quickly we started realizing – maybe he doesn’t love it as much as we thought. And maybe a place with that many dogs and no personal space isn’t the best place for him anyway, especially with his aloof shepherd qualities. And so I quickly found an alternative for boarding – a place actually closer to us that my Aunt brings her two dogs (who would also be boarded at the same time since she and my uncle were coming to the same wedding). In the end Bentley had his own kennel and run, and was taken out twice a day to play with his Westie cousin dogs, and walked by the Mom and daughter who own the place. He got rave reviews and came home happy and exhausted.

In terms of a daycare – I think we are realizing – maybe he doesn’t need 3+ days of daycare a week. Instead, we have found a new place that he is doing a trial at today, also closer to home, where we can bring him if he likes it maybe 1x a week just to get his zoomies out and keep him socialized. I was completely honest with the woman about what happened at the previous daycare and so they will begin with “day boarding” – where he gets his own room, toys, and will be taken out on 5 short walks a day and will meet dogs one by one through a fence or in the play yard if they see it as a good fit. If he enjoys being around the other dogs, then he will join playtime with a maximum group of 7 dogs with the same temperament. All dogs have “nap/quiet time” in their own rooms from 12:30-2:30 which I think is a good break for him anyway. So we’ll see how it goes. Overall reducing his daycare will save us a couple hundred a month!

I have to admit, one of the best things about keeping him home – while it makes me feel bad that he sits in the house on my non WFH days from about 11am-6pm alone – is that the Husband and I are actually spending more quality time with him. He used to come home from daycare so utterly exhausted he would go up to the bed and sleep. Now we play more outside (he loves to sprint through the yard, but only if we are outside watching), we’re doing tricks and training again at night – lots of puzzles, he seems to enjoy being in the house more and is almost always by our sides, and he’s already being a bit more social with people when they come over. It only takes about 10-15 minutes of sprints outside to completely exhaust him, something I can easily do in the mornings before work and at night when I get home. To be honest, I forgot how much fun I have when we play and do training, and most of the time, he seems content to just be around us.

I’m going through a strange phase at work. One minute I’m pushing hard, focused, and getting so much done (I think preparing to be out) and then moments of pure impatience, frustration with little things, and just wanting to get to the point where I’m going out on leave. I know I will want to go out feeling like I got everything I could done, so I need to spend the next few weeks really focusing on work.

I’m also going through a phase where I really want to make an effort to make plans and spend time with friends and family while I can – but more specifically – positive people who also make an effort too. I’m sort of tired of trying so hard when it’s not reciprocated or leaving hangouts feeling negative or mentally exhausted and drained, especially when I have some new (well not new, but not my regular core group) making a good effort to see me. I have dinner with a handful of girlfriends this Wednesday, dinner with two old college friends who I don’t see often but one is about a month behind me in her pregnancy, on Thursday, a full day of brunch and my sister’s dance show on Saturday with my Mom, my Mother-in-law, Sister-in-law and two family friends, then mid next week dinner with my old boss and coworker. I’m also trying to keep some time free on weekends for organizing and cleaning in preparation of the baby. The Husband and I also have a full Saturday birthing class coming up, as well as a night where we tour/go through the practice triage process in the hospital, a friend’s birthday that I’m hoping to spend some time with her celebrating, my baby shower later this month (with a few college friends making it a big girls sleepover weekend – the highlight of my month!), and more. I think January is going to fly by!

Funny story, the Husband and I had a wedding down in Baltimore over New Year’s Eve. It was actually so fun, even at 8 months pregnant and sober, and I loved getting all the extra family time for the few days (with moments of course of I NEED SPACE). My cousin, who was the one getting married, actually shares a friend with B (yes, that B). Ironically, this friend and his wife are pregnant, so my cousin sat them at our table, also with my sister and cousins. Somehow they ended up sitting right next to the Husband. I didn’t actually put two and two together until halfway through dinner – and I never said anything to him or anyone about it. What is sort of funny about it though is that there were SO many glasses on the table (4 per person, plus any glasses people brought with their own drinks from the bar) so when the husband sat down at one point he hit a champagne glass that went flying and COVERED this guy (he might as well have thrown it directly in his face). He took it very nicely, and I could tell the Husband felt so bad (but at 230lbs, 6’3 and a regular bull in a china shop he just can’t be near that many glasses). I have no idea if he connected who I was, but hopefully he doesn’t think it was on purpose. Well, actually I don’t really care as I’ll never see them again. 😉

My dreams lately when I do sleep, are crazy. I think my fears and anxieties are coming into play in my sleep because I have had countless dreams of fighting with friends, including a fist fight with my best friend from home (which is hilarious to think about in real life because it would never, ever happen). A number of dreams and scenarios of the Husband either cheating on me (and me seeing it, ugh) or him not paying attention to me and me feeling really sad and alone. It doesn’t take much to see what my dreams are getting at, but man I wish they would stop. As it is I’m practically an insomniac at this point and when I do sleep, to wake up feeling like crap after a dream like that really isn’t fun.

Somehow over the Holiday time off the Husband and I watched 4 movies. Gone Girl, the Good Lie, the Equalizer and This is Where I leave You. I read Gone Girl so had been dying to see it, but as always the case, it just wasn’t as good as the book. I swear in the book they did a better job of making you hate them equally, while in the movie, you have far more hate towards the wife. The Husband also figured out the plot far earlier than I did in the book – be it his detective skills or the hints were just easier to pick up on. The Good Lie was a great movie, based off the Lost Boys from Sudan and it definitely made us remember how damn lucky we are in America and with what we have. The Equalizer was silly – the Husband liked it because it was Denzel and it was a revenge type of movie – it was predictable but entertaining. This is Where I Leave You was my favorite and just my type of movie. The kind that is a little dark, funny, makes you laugh/cry and sort of is just an honest look at regular life and being an adult.

I think from now on I may just write more. My posts may not be put together, grammatically correct, or even make any coherent sense – but I miss writing so much. I miss pouring out my thoughts, memories and experiences even if they are just for me to reread one day.

Advertisements

Read Full Post »

People with ISFJ preferences are dependable and considerate, committed to the people and groups with which they are associated, and faithful in carrying out responsibilities. They work with steady energy to complete jobs fully and on time. They will go to great trouble to do something they see as necessary but dislike being required to do anything that doesn’t make sense to them.

ISFJs focus on what people need and want, and they establish orderly procedures to meet people’s needs. They take roles and responsibilities seriously and want others to do the same.

ISFJs have a realistic, practical respect for facts. They use their Sensing primarily internally, where they have a wealth of stored information. They remember clearly the details of things that have personal meaning for them, such as tones of voice and facial expressions. ISFJs are likely to be practical, realistic, concrete, and specific. They use Feeling to make decisions based on personal values and concern for others. They value and work to create harmony and cooperation. Thus, they are likely to be cooperative, thoughtful of others, kind, and sensitive. Their opinions are firm because their decisions are based on their clear values and their wealth of stored data. ISFJs respect established procedures and authority, believing that these have persisted because they function well. Therefore, they will support change only when new data show it will be of practical benefit to people.

ISFJs are unassuming and quiet in their interactions, often putting the needs of others—especially family members—ahead of their own. They are uncomfortable with confrontation and will go a long way to accommodate others, though their respect for traditions and people’s feelings can lead them to challenge others. People see their values, their desire for structure and closure, their kindness. What others may not see is their wealth of rich, accurate internal Sensing impressions and memories. Others usually see ISFJs as quiet, serious, conscientious, and considerate, and as good caretakers and persons who honor commitments and preserve traditions.

I don’t like to go too much into detail on my job. However, in recent weeks I have been really struggling at work, solely based on my interactions with my new manager. For the first time in my 7 years at this firm, I have felt unsupported, I don’t have trust in my boss, and I was getting the underlying feeling that I’m not meeting [management’s] expectations.

I’ve stewed. I’ve tried to ignore it and focus elsewhere. I’ve talked in circles and non-specifics to get a feel if I was accurate in feeling this way. I’ve vented and gotten swept up alongside others who are far more angry and negative in my department than I am or ever want to be. I’ve let myself get irritated and annoyed by every minor interaction with this person as a result.

And so after a sleepless night last night, tossing and turning over this underlying anxiety and feeling of not being true to myself or my work ethic, today I took charge.

I set up a meeting to have a very honest conversation, as uncomfortable as it made me, to talk about this conflict head on. I did my best outline it from a standpoint that I care a lot about my daily work – and my career – and while I hoped it was my own misinterpretation and not an accurate reflection of my work – I have gotten the feeling while exceeding the expectations of those I work with daily, I may not be meeting management’s expectations fully.

I was sweating, and actually broke out in rash before going in.

It’s funny, I have and always can take conflict head-on in my romantic relationships, but it’s been a growing process – an ability to move past my discomfort – that has slowly changed my avoidance of conflict with friends and with work. At some point, I really hope I can do the same with my family.

The truth is, the things that are worth saving are worth pushing past the conflict and letting go of pride, the desire to “win”, being right, and not wanting to deal with the discomfort.

And every time I do, I realize, it’s worth it. Open and effective communication is the key to success in all relationships.

Really just taking that step to un-bottle everything (in a professional manner) was therapeutic in itself. To let the f go of that negative anxious energy.

For another it hashed out exactly what I needed to hear – and what I had been misinterpreting all along. When it came down to it, I myself am judging my own work (harshly) and management thinks I am meeting and if anything exceeding expectations. If there was any need to hear that more clearly, I did. The lines for communication now feel more open, and we have begun to build trust into our relationship as manager and employee.

It also made me accept that I can only adapt and manage up so much – at some point I have to accept that I may not get exactly what I want out of this relationship, but try to focus on what at a minimal I need to do to stay successful and happy here. Those are the battles worth fighting.

Anyway, I feel like a weight has been lifted off me. I feel re-energized. And while it was damn uncomfortable at the time, I am so, so very glad I didn’t just sweep it under the rug.

Here’s to taking on discomfort and conflict head-on.

Read Full Post »

Sometimes my expectations are set so high, that it takes away from celebrating when good, or even great things happen. Because deep down, I think…I could have done better.

Today I got my annual review in my “new” role (new department and new role). I went into it a little worried, seeing as I was a superstar in my old role, and consistently exceeded expectations and was benchmarked multiple times into new roles with larger salaries.

Overall it went well. Positive feedback, very fair development areas (apparently I can be more stern with certain people, ha), a base increase of 4.5% and 103% of my bonus potential. With the combo of the two (before taxes of course), I make over 6 figures. I should be thrilled. I mean, I am thrilled. I’m 29 years old, I am happy, if not the happiest I’ve ever been in my career and I have such growth potential –in my current role and the level up – both role and title wise, and financially.

The truth is, I started writing this post feeling a little disappointed.

It’s because my expectations are almost past reasonable. See when I started here, practically every other year I ended up with a $10k increase and a title change. In my 7 years here my salary has more than doubled. I went from specialist to coordinator to senior coordinator to supervisor to manager. I know the culture here, and I know the benchmark of my current role (I could be making over $10k more without a title change) and I know my abilities. I know deep down, I actually could have worked harder this past year.

The truth is, it’s not all about money. I mean don’t get me wrong, this place now officially has me in golden handcuffs. The earning potential is just far past so many other places – and it allows me to still, for the most part – have a good life outside of work. (If that ever stops, then the money isn’t worth it.) It allows my Husband and I to travel more, spend money on things we want to enjoy and not be beyond stressed at having to spend thousands each year on weddings, the puppy, moving, and other life events. Although, maybe still this year since we weren’t careful with our money and now we want to buy a house.

Anyway. I’m reminding myself that I just started a new role. I am getting great feedback. I have challenging goals I can set – I’m no longer in a role where I’m bored or unhappy or don’t see the value. Instead, I have so much to learn. To formally take my PMP exam, to manage various projects with varying complexity levels and so on. And I LOVE having something to work towards, it pushes me harder.

It feels good to get such positive feedback, not just from my manager, but from various others that I work with. Thinking about it, and writing about it – I feel good. Damn good. Of course I can always do better. There are those unrelenting standards again. So this time, for once, I am making myself celebrate this good news without focusing on what could be done better or my next step. For a few days, I’m celebrating a successful job change, and an accomplished year in my career.

balloons

Read Full Post »

I went to my running class this morning. Getting up at 5:35am just doesn’t get easier, and even with the beautiful morning view, I still found myself wanting to head back to bed. Half the class I kept using “Starbucks” as my mantra to get through the sprints and rolling hills. By the end of the class I felt a hundred times better. More awake and alive than I’ve felt in days.

photo 2 (2)

Speaking of Starbucks I just tried a non-fat gingerbread latte. Absolutely disgusting. I don’t know why I do this. I love coffee, chai and once in a while a peppermint mocha or caramel macchiato. Anything else, is either too sweet or just gross to me. I’m trying to choke it down since I spent over $4 on the thing.

The past week I have felt exhausted. I’m talking can’t keep my eyes open past 8pm, with cranky moods and just groggy like I could nap anywhere at any time. I’m wondering if it’s a bit of a coffee withdrawal. During my week staycation I was drinking 3 LARGE coffees a day since I didn’t care what time I went to bed. I’ve cut it back down to 1-2. Also the latest I have slept in weeks happened this past weekend…that time would be 6:40am. I miss sleep.

I feel like I’m on the brink of change or in need of creating some goals again. On the 26th I’ll turn 29 and I just feel like I want to accomplish something in the last years of my 20s. Yeah, I complain about how crazy life is and then as soon as it settles into a routine, I want more. Typical.

I saw an acquaintance on Facebook who (my age) just completed an Ironman. Aside from how incredible I think she is, I’m flat out jealous. I’m jealous she had the balls to do it, to train like that and from what she showed – gave up free time, extracurricular activities, alcohol, etc. and I’m jealous she lives in Arizona/Colorado where training weather is much more stable than New England. I’m jealous she had the drive to get up some mornings at 3am to train and I complain about 5:35am wake-up. Man, 2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike ride, and 26.2 marathon sounds insane. It makes me want a goal again so badly. But it also reminds me why I honestly stopped doing triathlons. The part I liked and excelled at the most, the bike, became my biggest fear. In the last tri I did two summers ago, I witnessed a horrific bike crash that to this day I don’t know if the guy lived (I’ve tried to Google many times) and it just has put a fear in me that I can’t seem to let go.

To be honest, I really want to have some kind of fitness goal, and I get excited about potential races or opportunities. But then I think about how the Husband and I really might start trying to have kids come the new year… and how does that work? I just don’t know yet. Again, I feel like I’m in this weird waiting period.

I had a dream last night that I had a flesh eating disease. It was so vivid and graphic. At one point I kissed a guy on the cheek and then seconds later just his bone was showing. Then I went to talk to my Mom and old Director and I couldn’t get the words out and instead a surge of grey flesh shot out of my mouth. Like seriously, who has dreams like this? And why must I remember them?

I took Bentley on a 2 mile off leash hike over this past weekend with 7 other dogs. He was so incredibly well behaved, stayed close by, and kept “checking” in with me every once in a while. To say he had a ball is an understatement. He was almost comatose he was so tired afterwards which was honestly, nice for a change. He probably hated us however when we ended up at the emergency vet because of a tick half still in him (failed attempt at getting him out) and as new puppy parents not realizing that ticks usually die and get pushed out by their skin. Yay for spending $120 on future advice.

photo 1

My team at work may be asked to pilot “sharing space”. For example, if there are 8 of us, having only 3 workstations and rotating days to be in the office. I think I’m the only one who absolutely hates the idea. Sure I love working from home one day a week, hell maybe even two if needed – but more than that? 50% of my day is meetings and to do it remotely (while the rest of the project team is sitting in a conference room or on a video conference together) and building relationships via the phone or gotomeeting? Not my preference. Everyone will probably hate me for asking, but I’ll probably be the exception if they push this on us. I’ll work two days a week from home, but I just can’t do more than that. For my own sanity, for my Husband’s who needs to sleep during the day and for the sake of my work.

Is it lame to say that I love going to Puppy Kindergarten each week with Bentley? Well, I love it. I love watching Bentley play with the other dogs (in particular the cutest Bernese Mountain dog ever) and it’s such a good way for him to learn new social and mental skills (and to train me). Class ends this weekend and I think I’m going to sign up to start taking him to Wednesday night “Good Manners” classes that start in January.

Tomorrow, as in November 20th, is a date that used to give me a pit in my stomach. It’s the date that in 2009 I went with my friend V to see the second Twilight movie. B was in California visiting an old camp friend. And in what was one of the most surprising turn of events, much later that night at almost 3am I was on the phone with B as we broke up, both crying into the phone. The day after I spent my 25th birthday celebration in a hotel with my best girlfriends, and I sobbed myself to sleep. My God how life has changed. That girl, (I’m re-reading posts from the start of my blog right now) never imagined she’d be where she is today. You just never know. I’m so thankful and happy for the way life has turned out.

Read Full Post »

Lean-in or get pregnant

Of all things I would without a doubt say my best quality is my work ethic. Through years of skipping school, procrastinating, avoiding certain things in relationships – work is the one thing I have always put 110% in.

So what happens when I’m new to this career path and we decide to get pregnant.

Let’s start with yesterday…

Yesterday at 4pm my (newish) manager walked in and handed me an envelope. It was a $50 gift card and a really thoughtful card praising my efforts and reiterating how excited the team is to see my growth in this role. It was completely unexpected and actually almost made me feel emotional.

Then last night one of the husband’s closest friends let him know that he and his wife are expecting in April. I am beyond thrilled for them because they have been trying for over a year, had some issues and some serious disappointments. He called to let me in on the news and ended the call with, “yay, we’re next, get some pre-natal vitamins”. (Yes, he actually said “yay”.)

So…

Do I focus on my career? Spend the next year or maybe more working hard, getting more experience and taking my exam?

Or do we decide on trying to start a family early next year? I’d like to wait until January to try – with everything we have going on the rest of the year and selfishly because having a baby towards the end of the year would mean I could still take 4 weeks 2014 vacation, use 8 weeks medical leave, and then use my 2015 4 weeks – for about 13 weeks off total. But if we do that, am I losing my credibility at work? Have I made enough of an impact that to leave and come back, I would still have my place? Would they start replacing me as soon as they heard I was pregnant?

Deep down, I know what’s more important to me. A family.

BUT

Deep down I also know that the one amazing thing that I think defines myself, and my identity, is my work and my career. I’m the bread-winner. I have worked hard to get to where I am in this cutthroat corporate environment. I’ve succeeded while I’ve watched countless people get fired. So if that gets taken away, I’m really scared. I’m scared that I will lose myself, and lose the one part of me I am confident in, that no one has ever taken away.

And of course, there’s the part of me that says, I can do it all! I can take on all new projects, study hours each night for an exam, all the while be pregnant, buy a house, and prepare as we go. Probably not the most realistic option. And yet, probably the option I’ll keep pretending will work…

Read Full Post »

I’m more than ready for my beach vacation next week.

Moving went smoothly, well as smooth as it could have gone I guess. Since Thursday (first day in the new place) I have spent hours upon hours unpacking, cleaning, running errands, and building furniture on top of working ten hour days and sleeping.

At the end of last week, I was just a peach to the husband. I’m exhausted. Sore. Cranky. And best of all I got my period yesterday.

But I love, love, love the new place. In all of its quirks and outdatedness, I absolutely love it.

I love my new routine. I love my new commute. Short, quiet and easy. I love the super sunny kitchen and how refreshing it feels to sit down and have breakfast at the island. I love that the husband and I have eaten dinner at the kitchen table rather than on the couch in front of the TV. I love that our bedroom feels like this big open airy loft that is completely separate from the rest of the apartment. I love how safe I feel parking in the driveway at any time of night. I love how we’re so close to restaurants, grocery stores, and many other shops. Everything about this place just feels light and easy. I can’t wait to fully finish unpacking, have cable and internet installed, and finish decorating so we just feel fully at home there.

Unfortunately, on top of all the recent chaos… work has been tough. I felt like I failed for the first time in my new role at the end of last Friday. I am in the process of having risks turn into actual issues, I feel like I’m not on top of things completely, and truly, I just feel burnt out. I’m doing my best to think of this all as a learning experience, but man, I hate failure. I need to pull it together and focus this week and do the best I can so that I can just enjoy next week.

It probably doesn’t help that for the last 3 weeks during the moving and other chaos, I have been skipping the gym (going maybe 3-4 times total) and eating take-out galore. Mentally and physically at this point, I’m just so checked out.

I’m turning around my focus this week so that when it comes time to my relaxing beach week with a book in hand, I’m happy. Until then, morning workouts. Working efficiently. Get apartment shit done in the evenings. Eating healthy. At least 7 hours of sleep.

Is it Friday yet?

Read Full Post »

This is something I have been thinking about for a few months now, and after a conversation with a friend the other night, I can’t help but write about it.

In my early 20’s I would look at older friends or acquaintances who were getting married or having babies and think – they must miss this lifestyle I’m currently living. The freedom of being single, going out late nights, making last-minute plans, travelling across the world, and caring little about responsibility, savings or having to make a decision as an “us”. In a way, I not only felt badly for them, like they were missing out, but I dreaded ever getting to that point.

I’m on the other side now. My 28-year-old self can look back at my 22-year-old self and realize, at this moment in my life, I don’t miss that lifestyle. It’s almost like, being on this side – it feels like this secret that until you’re here, you just don’t get.

I have a feeling the same will happen when it comes to having children. It’s easy now to think, how could we give up our life, our freedom to just do what we want as a couple without having to think of a child too? But something tells me, once you get to that stage, most parents look back at us couples without kids and think, they don’t understand the love you can feel for a child, for your partner, and what being a parent and a family really means. It means sacrifice but it’s worth it.

That’s not to say that at these stages I think I have, or will have to, give all of my freedom up. It’s not that at all. Stability, in my job, with friends, in love, with money – isn’t a bad thing. Hell, it’s been a great thing. And it’s still nice to go out for a night on the town with my girlfriends but, it’s an added bonus to come home to my husband and sleep on my comfy expensive sheets.

It’s just strange. Growing up is all around strange. This adventurous, thrill-seeking, sometimes almost reckless person I was at times in high-school, college and into mid-20’s – has somewhat faded. Those things, roller-coaster short-lived relationships, binge drinking and drugs, waterfall repelling, sky-diving – just aren’t desirable anymore. There are brief moments I miss the idea of those things, but really I’m even more surprised that most of the time, I just don’t. Those things aren’t fulfilling – fulfilling in a long-term, real life, way.

Instead I find myself wanting a house. A pet. A baby, or two. Travel with the Husband. Challenging opportunities at work. Fitness goals, like running races and cleaning up my diet. Time to myself. And hours of real quality time and experiences with the Husband, friends or family.

Maybe to some that sounds boring or even makes me boring. But in the end, I think in a way I’ve stopped thrill-seeking because I’ve found a way to get that thrill-seeking feeling, in a long-term way. I’m fulfilled and finally relaxed in a way that I don’t think I could have understood until I got here. Here being, happy. I can’t help but realize, I’m fully and genuinely happy. Take that 22-year-old self.

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »