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Archive for the ‘love’ Category

I can’t believe I’m into my third trimester of pregnancy already. I swear, sometimes I feel like time is just flying.

At 29 weeks and 2 days (7 months, 1 week and 2 days) pregnant I’m…

Feeling pretty good still. Although for the first time I’m starting to really feel pregnant. My stomach feels expanded, my left rib hurts, my back is sore and I’m falling asleep on the couch by 10pm every night but then waking up with crazy insomnia.

Loving the kicking and movement. As strange as it is (it really is odd at first) it’s been fun to share the movement with everyone else. The Husband can feel it at night when we’re sitting on the couch and she seems to be the most active and riled up. Sometimes she even keeps me from falling asleep because I swear she’s doing jumping jacks.

As excited, and happy and blessed as I feel and truly can’t wait to meet her I’m having these crazy strange nostalgic moments. Like sometimes I get almost sad thinking, it’ll never be just Husband and myself again (ha, or Husband, myself and Bentley). I’m also having these (more so fleeting) thoughts of I’ll never quite get to schedule things the way I want anymore – like just going to a flywheel class when I want to, or staying late at work. I know it’ll all work itself out and we will create a new normal, just like with Bentley, but it is interesting to go through this set of emotions too.

Also, I never even posted about the amazing babymoon weekend we took to Stowe, Vermont. If I could recommend one thing to do during pregnancy, this would be it. Let’s just say it was a lot of eating, sleeping and just relaxing and it was magical.

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I’m also going through what I imagine is more nesting. Which I L-O-V-E. Hello can I just be that productive all the time? I hammered out 72 Christmas cards just because I HAD to the other night. I am constantly organizing, purging, cooking and cleaning and slowly feeling like things in the house have a place, and I love everything that’s actually in the house. The only struggle I’m facing now is that with being more tired the last week or so, it’s hard to do all the things I want (need in my mind) to do.

I experienced my first cold while sick and that was probably the most brutal thing ever. Everything hurt, and not being able to take a darn thing was really frustrating.

To be honest I’m also getting a little scared. Scared that I have no control over when I’ll actually have her. For all I know I could go early in the next 6 weeks – but then I could be late and that means I still have 11 weeks left! Scared that being out of work for a few months will make it hard to return – like I won’t be as good at my job anymore. Scared that I won’t get to see my friends as much and miss out on a lot of things. Scared that I’ll become one of those Moms that only wants to talk about babies, and baby things, and gives up her life. I know that’s not me and who I am, but I can’t fathom what this all will be like. I’m scared that I’ll go crazy with too much family time and help after her birth (everyone keeps scheduling trips and planning times to stay with us and help but didn’t really ask us what help is needed, and add in that the Husband’s parents want to stop by daily…) I know I can’t picture it and maybe I’ll appreciate the help but all I can envision is not getting a second alone with my daughter, bleeding out of many orifices, and trying to walk around half-naked to feed my child and then there are people…everywhere.

I’m scared that Bentley will feel so out-of-place. I’m so tired of people saying once we have this baby he will just become a dog or we’ll “forget about him” because I can promise you, we won’t. I love that dog fiercely and while I know he isn’t my child, whether it’s difficult or not – that dog is part of our family and will always have a place with us. Maybe not as big of a place in our bed though…

MUST be squished between us. (He appears much smaller than his 60lb body actually is.)

MUST be squished between us. (He appears much smaller than his 60lb body actually is.)

And truthfully, I’m most scared of messing her up. I constantly watch women and girls now – I can see these glaring insecurities, jealousies, unhappiness, and unfavorable traits and how do you make sure not to do something that will totally mess up your child’s life and cause issues like that? What if I say or do one thing, and it spirals into an eating disorder, or a need for the wrong attention? What if the Husband isn’t as active as I want and that takes a toll on her, and one that unfortunately I can’t fill because she needs her Daddy.

Somehow though, even among the fears and discomfort, it all just feels so right now, more than ever. I just cannot wait to start this chapter of our lives.

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Not proud of myself.

I’m not proud of myself today. In fact, I’m actually feeling lower than I have felt in a long time.

What I’m about to write is not in hopes of getting comments to excuse my behavior. Nor is it to make myself feel better. Instead it’s to remember. To document and learn from this moment.

I could sit here and write up the whole background – the flurry of excuses – I was sick for a few days, high anxiety after not feeling baby girl kick for a day or so – exhaustion – the Husband working late every night and not helping around the house at all – cooped up in the house working from home for 13 hours straight – pouring cold rain that Bentley wouldn’t even step out to go to the bathroom in. It really doesn’t matter though. We all have bad days, but that doesn’t give us the excuse to mistreat others.

Around 7pm Bentley went into wacko mode. I’m talking he slept solidly from Wednesday night to Thursday morning then spent all Thursday day quietly laying with me while I worked on the couch. By 7pm he wanted nothing more than to play with me, grabbing toys and trying to entice me. I’ll be honest, I just wasn’t up for it. I kept saying no and nudging him away and he’d try again.

Next he went to more extreme tactics. One of his favorite things to do when he wants attention is to find something of ours in another room and come barreling in where we are with it in his mouth pretending to chew and throw it around. The comical thing is he doesn’t actually chew it – if he wanted to he’d hide with it – instead it’s strictly to get our attention. So a few times he grabbed things and I would get up and take them away and say no. Finally, he tried to grab my computer cord so I grabbed his collar, said no and told him to sit. He quickly sat, I think secretly hoping he’d done enough to engage me to play. I looked him in the eyes and just kept saying no and let go of his collar. Next he over excitedly leaped onto me and bopped his nose into my glasses.

I know it wasn’t malicious. The Husband and him play too often like this where he’ll have one of his toys and hold it above him and entice Bentley to jump on him and rough house but it’s a no-no with me.

I was set off. That pounce on my belly made my blood boil and I reacted. I screamed at him. I grabbed him by the collar and rushed him upstairs and into his crate, slamming the crate door closed.

For someone it sounds like nothing – I didn’t hit him or continuously scream at him. For others, I’m sure it sounds worse than I’m even thinking – I screamed and lost my temper with a dog who trusts me and was just trying to play.

Rather than just let him out, I knew I needed to calm down. I sat on my floor and I immediately began to cry. Out of shame mostly.

For the first time I realized there’s a meanness in me. I was cruel and mean to Bentley and I didn’t need to be. I reacted in a way that I am truly ashamed and embarrassed of, and most of all my heart hurts thinking about how he felt.

I think I cried harder last night than I have in a long, long time.

After about 5 -10 minutes I let him out quietly, and sat on the floor. At first he started to run back downstairs, but he stopped when I didn’t follow, and came over to me and just looked at me. One quick lick away of my tears, and a semi-snuggle against me before he tried to entice me to play again I hope means he hasn’t totally lost trust in me.

The truth is, would it have been that hard to play with him for 10 minutes? Would it have been that hard to grab his leash and take him on a quick walk around the block, rainy night and all?

We all make mistakes. No one can be the perfect parent (be it dog or human) ever. But at the same time, acting and responding in anger is something I truly don’t want to do. The way it makes me feel hours and even a day later hurts enough inside that I know it’s a priority for me to work on.

So today I will say I am not proud of myself and I’m ashamed of how I acted. But I promise myself, and Bentley, and my future daughter, that I will work on my patience and temper.

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It’s been so long since I have been able to write.

I had the most amazing, most relaxing, most wonderful week in paradise with all the girls on my Mom’s side.

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I came home content, content with life, not having any crazy fitness goals right now, just focusing on having great days and enjoying every day.

Right before my trip my Husband and I made a decision. For some time now, I’d say since December or so we’ve talked seriously about wanting a family. But we kept thinking ok now isn’t the perfect time because so and so is getting married, or this or that is happening, or we have to do that. But right before going to STT we both realized, it’s the perfect time for us. For us emotionally, financially, and job-wise. Sure we may have to alter some social plans but we both are ready and we both want to take this step.

So I got so excited, went out and got an ovulation kit to start to understand my body a little more and we thought, let’s get trying. Quickly I realized though, my ovulation time was while in STT (almost comical, I would be fertile at earliest the Saturday there and at latest the end of the week there). So we didn’t think anything of it really, and decided to try the month later and just have fun until then.

Well I came home and sadly he got called into work for that full Saturday I got home. I actually had a great day though – I relaxed the full day and caught up on shows and played with Bentley who I had missed so, so, so much. On Sunday I decided, hell I’ll take an LH test (I got the cheapo ones from CVS) and I got a positive. So we had a fun afternoon in bed, pretty relaxed and then headed to dinner with his family for Mother’s day.

See I trusted the test strips more than my gut. My gut knew, with only a week until my period it was highly unlikely I was ovulating or about to. Also without going into TMI, I get some clues when I ovulate, and I got those clues while in STT. But then I got caught up in it and then began the “TWW” or two-week-wait.

Long story short, three negative pregnancy tests later (umm hello it would have been too early anyway), hopes for morning sickness and amidst house-hunting and fantasizing about our family and what not yesterday I got my period. It wasn’t until I was sobbing in the car on the way home that I realized how much hope I had this month. PMS hormones and caffeine withdrawal (I had dropped from my venti blonde roast x3 a day to just 8 ounces to be safe) probably didn’t help my mental state. I was a complete and utter mess. At least the Husband was far more sympathetic than I expected (I think he was actually sad too) and was helpful in keeping a positive mindset around it all.

Today I feel a bit better. It’s a fresh month. I can spend this month eating healthy, working out, taking pre-natals, and overall really starting to prep my body. When my period ends, we’ll just have to have more fun trying this month (i.e. every other day through the month, ha!) The truth is, we’re young, healthy, I’ve been off birth control for over a year now, I have regular periods, and we’re just starting to try so it’s fun and exciting in so many ways. I mean this is it, after years and years of “don’t get pregnant don’t get pregnant” we are officially trying.

It’s so easy to get excited about the end goal, but this time, I really want to enjoy the process. Every second of it.

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I’ve said it before, but I have a tendency to write a lot more when I’m in a negative or confused place. I wanted to be sure to document some things from the past two weeks because really, life has been good!

The Husband and I watched episodes 1-7 of True Detective on Sunday. Yes 7 (1 hour) episodes straight. To say we can’t wait for the finale this weekend is an understatement. That show is strange and so damn addicting. Watch it.

We took Bentley on an hour hike together on Sunday, the Husband’s idea, and it was so nice to spend time just the three of us outside, even though it was cold and icy. Bentley was so well behaved…that is until he ran up and grabbed something off the ground. We went to pull it out of his mouth and out came what looked like a dirty baby wipe. We both said to each other, no that must be mud on that wipe. Mind you, we were hiking in a really nice, wealthy, reservation area. A few hundred yards later we spotted a pair of torn boxers, covered in shit, with a bunch of used baby wipes next to them. We spent the rest of the walk hands out, gagging, just wanting to get home and sanitize ourselves.

The weekend before this last one, I bought a new car! Well, I traded my 12-year-old Honda in for a 2014 Jeep Patriot lease. I know a lot of people didn’t understand, but it was oddly emotional saying goodbye to that car. It was MY first ever car, and it is tied to so many memories. However, driving around in a nice new car, that I’m not worried will break down or get stuck in a snow bank, is pretty sweet. 🙂

This actual past weekend we had friends from college come out, with their 7 month old baby. I swear I have never seen such a happy, easy-going baby. It definitely didn’t help my baby fever and I actually think it sparked it a bit more in the Husband. We still plan to wait until after my half-ironman (at earliest).

I was so happy to see Bentley’s reaction to having a baby in the house. He was curious, sweet (kept wanting to lick his feet) and oddly calm –at one point I was holding the baby, sitting in the dog bed and Bentley came over, sat down and put his head on my leg. It was one of those moments looking at the baby sitting on my left leg, and the puppy resting on my right leg that I felt, this is pure happiness, and the Husband and I will have this one day. Granted, the baby was in our house for only a few hours, so we still plan to have the behaviorist come and help us prepare him and all that jazz, but I’m still relieved.

Speaking of Bentley, he is back in daycare/going on long walks after being neutered. Life feels far less hectic now that Bentley is more tired, and we actually have more time to have lives.

Our wedding schedule this year keeps getting crazier. We now have the following weddings: July 26th, (August 30th got cancelled (well they decided to make it a family only wedding), yay!), September 20th, October TBD [friends moving home from England having their American reception], November 1st, and December 31st. Plus showers and bachelorettes for all. No more please.

I’m trying really hard to pull myself out of this half-ironman funk. Let’s see if I were to be completely honest… I’m doubting myself. Flat-out doubting myself. So much so that I thought, hmm I could just get pregnant now and not do it. But I don’t want that. I also know, deep down, if I don’t do this now – it will be one of, if not my biggest, regret to date. I think that the best athletes are consistent. For the next few months all I want to do is consistently get these workouts in, no matter the pace. Just get them in. It’s true, I honest to God just want to finish – that’s my only goal!

I went to bed at 9:45pm last night – that’s the earliest in a long time. I was up at 5:40am thinking I was still tired but after my train ride and completing my 45 minute run class – I felt, and still feel, fantastic. The power of sleep…and coffee!

I am so, so, so over the cold weather. I like winter and I love snow, but it’s March. I need sunny mid 50’s now not 20’s with wind chills down to single digits. This weather makes me just want to get home, bundle under covers, lay on the couch, eat hearty meals and watch TV. After doing that since December, it’s time for a change. I never thought weather would affect me this much, but it’s really draining me.

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My first valentine is my Husband of course. But this year, for the first time, I have a valentine in fur form.

My Dearest Bentley. I never knew I could be so attached, and have such deep love, for a dog.

At almost a week away from 7 months Bentley is, well a combination of things. Smart yet sassy. Loving yet aloof. Confident yet fearful. Courageous yet stubborn.

He is a contradiction. Just like his Momma. And just like his Daddy. 🙂

Bentley is incredibly smart. And I don’t say that just as a proud mama I say that as a witness to watching him take in everything around him and then take action. To knowing my morning routine so that when I walk into the guest bedroom that means he runs upstairs to get away from the hairdryer that he knows is coming. Or that at the end of his well-behaved 1 hour off leash hike in the woods with the dog walker yesterday, he noticed the cue for getting leashed back up to leave and instead decided… no the hike is not over. One hour later he returned, happy as a clam, to the entrance of the park when he decided the walk was over. Only 1 hour of waiting for news, sick to my stomach and holding back tears at work.

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Bentley is a great listener and understands what you want him to do. Last night was the last Good Manners class and he completed it with flying colors. As long as he knows something is in it for him – treats and praise – he’ll do anything you ask. Sit, down, up, off, stand, recall, leave it, whatever it may be. So good in fact the behaviorist who runs the class recommended he move on to CGC (Canine Good Citizen) prep to get certified. And yet…he knew a few weeks ago he should not grab and swallow my thong. But he knew I wasn’t looking closely enough until the last-minute, and therefore decided it was what he wanted to do. Or sometimes when we ask him to go into down, he will bend one leg and look at us, as if to trick us, then when he doesn’t get the treat, he’ll bend the next, and look up again. Until finally, he fully gets into down and sighs as if we have asked him to do so much!

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Bentley is aloof. He isn’t one to run up to strangers and ask for pets or lick them. He doesn’t dislike people, he just doesn’t really care about them. And yet there are these moments, that it just feels like he is finding his own way to say, “I love you” to us. When I’m sitting on the couch and he jumps up and wiggles his way to snuggle into me. Or when driving, if he’s not wearing his seat belt he will jump to the front, lay down and rest his head on my hand that’s resting on the arm rest. Or in the morning now, after he first goes out to go potty, he runs back upstairs and excitedly jumps on to the bed knowing the hubby and I like to spend another 30 minutes to an hour there. He’ll slowly squeeze his way between us and spread out, so his back is against one of us, and his paws against the other. Or when the Husband got into his accident, Bentley followed him around, attached to his leg for the entire day and night. Not trying to play, just standing by his side. Or when out of stress, feeling overwhelmed with work and maybe giving a little too much, I cried on the couch the other night. No sobs or anything, just a few tears. But as I sat there Bentley jumped up with his antler, put his antler in my lap, and leaned his head to rest on my shoulder. And we just sat there quietly for a few special seconds.

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Bentley is confident. New places and new dogs are his favorite to experience. He absolutely loves, loves, loves seeing and playing with any dog he can. He has a serious case of FOMO, and if other dogs are playing and we can’t for whatever reason, he will sit down and whine. And yet, maybe blame it on the fear imprint stage, but when a zipper is closed, a dish thrown in the sink, a motorcycle drives by we end up with the dog shakes and he runs up to his crate, tail between his legs, in a total meltdown.

Bentley has been the most positive, and healing force in our marriage. I can’t explain it, but we’ve become this team, and this little family. We had a tough first year of marriage – full of transition and truthfully a lot of fighting and growing. Somehow, all of that little shit we used to argue over doesn’t matter anymore now that we have Bentley. We don’t have time for it. We enjoy spending time all together, watching his antics, getting involved in training, hiking all together and figuring out how to give him the happiest life we can. In addition to time as a family, we make sure now we get out and have date nights, away from it all.

We rescued this little nugget at 10 weeks old and months later, he’s truly rescued us.

Happy almost Valentine’s Day to my favorite fur baby. I love you my dearest Bentley.

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It’s my four-year blogging anniversary.

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Four years ago at this time, my heart was broken. It’s so funny how being heart-broken sounds like such a normal, common term, but at the time, my God I felt anything but.

I felt utter grief, physical pain, an ache so deep I remember waking up thinking my ribs were bruised.

I wasn’t eating and dropped to 125lbs at almost 5’8.

I was crying, somewhat openly to family and friends at first, then secretly, almost daily in my studio apartment.

Night time was the worst. 3am and somehow I’d always find myself crumpled and sobbing, shoulders shaking, on my bathroom floor.

I thought I would never get over B. At times I fantasized we truly were meant to be and we would get back together.

I spent a full year waiting, and hoping. Putting on a strong face, and being his friend. A full year trying to move past that heartache and yet one minor action, like holding my hand on our plane ride back from Ireland, or saying how much he still cared and loved me, would set me right back and I would start the heartbreak process all over.

It’s almost funny that now, I look back, and I am so incredibly thankful for that experience.

I’m thankful I felt love and loss like that, I truly am.

Sometimes I’m even nostalgic for that pain. It sounds ridiculous, but being heartbroken was the deepest emotion I have ever experienced to date.

Most of all, I’m thankful for who I became as a result of it.

I learned many wonderful things from B overall – he taught me to love myself and understand I deserved the best. He truly taught me how to communicate effectively and understand that fighting in relationships is never, and should never be about winning. He made me see an adventurous side of me that was waiting to come out.

But I learned the most out of my heartbreak time.

I learned to be independent.

I learned to love and appreciate my own time, with just me, writing, reading or relaxing.

I learned that I have the most wonderfully supportive and loving family and friends.

I learned that I could put my mind to something – finishing graduate school, getting promoted, signing up and accomplishing a triathlon – and be succesful, even without a significant other.

I learned that I could travel the world, Patagonia with a friend, for two weeks and enjoy every incredibly experience while there.

I learned, after that trip, to let go. That after experiencing the heartbreak you truly have to let go. And I remember the moment exactly… being in a bar in Chile, walking up to a cute guy and kissing him. Just like that.

I learned that opening your heart up and being vulnerable after heartbreak is harder. Much harder.

I learned that once I did, I would love deeper than I could have imagined. Because I finally found a love that loved me as me, even on bad days, and was willing and wanted to give me what I wanted most – a family.

And so it’s almost ironic, though I won’t tell her in that way, that my younger sister has found herself in the exact same place, at almost the exact same time in her life.

My sister has followed many of my footsteps, from college to even moving to Boston. At 24, just about turning 25, she and her boyfriend of about one and a half years broke up. She is utterly and completely heart-broken.

I can’t take her pain away. I can only help to support her, to distract her, and to help her pass the time. Because truly, the one and only thing that helped, was time. Time heals all.

And I hope that one day, a year, maybe four years from now, she can look back at her heartbreak and feel the same way.

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This article.

“Instead, my friends and family showed me what was permanent: love, support, and joy. Few words were spoken, but their actions were enough to drown out the voices in my head. Because of them, I can do anything.

Even an Ironman with a broken rib.”

weheartit.com

weheartit.com

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