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Archive for the ‘Random Musings’ Category

Moments

After telling the Husband that the baby can now hear our voices, he leaned in close to my belly and whispered, “hello baby, I am your father.

Every morning my alarm goes off and I let Bentley out of his crate and he walks downstairs with me as I make my coffee. As soon as it’s ready, I start to walk back upstairs to shower. Like clockwork he races up past me on the stairs and runs into the bedroom, jumps onto the bed, and snuggles into the Husband’s legs and sleeps while I finish getting ready.

Walking into the nursery each morning, the sunniest room in the house by far, and just standing there thinking, “wow, there really will be a baby in here soon enough”.

Listening, eyes closed, to “Belong” by Cary Brothers.

Walking outside the past few mornings and just knowing Fall is coming. I can feel it in the crisp air and I can just picture everything apple, pumpkin and big comfy sweaters.

Getting to celebrate the birthday of my best friend from home by taking a day off work, meeting halfway in Mystic, CT and walking around laughing at the aquarium. It was exactly like something I would have chosen to do – a relaxed day getting to talk, walk around outside, enjoy a leisurely lunch and just be together. 20+ years later and our friendship is still like none other. I wish so much she lived closer.

A text from my Dad that caught me off guard, in the sweetest way…“Off today. Watching the movie Divergent. The female star reminds me of you. Very few people have such a combo of compassion, bravery and smarts like you. Your daughter/son is very lucky

Realizing its Friday, no one is in the office today, all my meetings are cancelled and after today… I’ll be on the Cape for an entire week of sleeping and reading.

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Tuesday afternoon I treated myself to a prenatal massage. I was a little nervous not knowing exactly what to expect and if it would be comfortable or not and was surprised to see that I was still lying face down for the first part – just on top of a bunch of pillows with a sort of belly area in the middle. The first half of the massage was pretty good, although without her being able to put pressure on my lower back (where my pain is right now) it was less pain/muscle soreness reducing and more relaxing. About 20 minutes in, I was practically in a sleep state when I felt the softest flutter in my stomach. The only way to explain it is like butterfly wings moving down the inside my stomach for just a second. In my head I immediately thought, oh my God I feel the baby, but seeing as this is my first, wasn’t really sure. The massage continued on, and while I love a good massage, I’ll be honest and say I’m not sure it was worth the money in the end. Anyway, last night as I was going to bed, about 20 minutes after trying to fall asleep and just lying there, the flutter happened again. Just once, and so softly, but I swear I felt it. I don’t think I have felt it since though…

Tuesday night while Husband and I were grilling dinner (buying that grill has been the best purchase ever) I was playing with Bentley. At one point I had a stick in my hand and was pretending to throw it so he was running while looking at me and BAM into the deep end (10 feet deep) of the pool he fell. Now I know what everyone is thinking – dogs can swim – all dogs can swim – but I swear mine can’t. We have tried to get him to slowly go into ponds, oceans, etc. and he’ll wade but whenever he gets deep he sort of panics and thrashes versus swimming. So he fell in and I immediately went over to see him bobbing under and above water with his butt and back legs completely sinking. I pulled him out and he shook himself off and then went playing along and…I cried. He’s shown no interest in the pool but the idea of him falling in really freaks me out. The next warm day I’m taking a page from Caesar Milan and getting in the pool with him and showing him how to get out via the steps at the shallow end. Last night he kept trying to get out of the side but the water isn’t high enough, and I worry after 10 minutes of that … who knows.

I’m loving our house. I still don’t quite feel settled or unpacked by any means, but the progress between the renovations being done and the painting is amazing.

I’m ridiculously into the show Big Brother. It’s a show that has apparently been on for like 10+ years and I have never once watched an episode until this year and somehow I found myself hooked. It’s so stupid and silly and yet… it’s the one summer show I’m watching.

When we got married and got all our wedding presents, aside from gifts cards, rather than take them to our apartment at the time, we kept them at my in-laws. We have just started bringing them all over to our house and OMG it’s like Christmas! All new dishes, pots, pans, grill set, pillows, and more.

Tall decaf non-fat cappuccino with one pump cinnamon dulce…oh my word delicious. My new favorite drink that I can pretend is caffeinated.

I am finally starting to feel like a human again. Happy, energized, excited, and (mostly) non-nauseated!

90’s on 9 (satellite radio) or Spotify best of the 90’s playlist = sure fire way to find me singing and dancing as I apparently know the lyrics of every damn 90’s song.

This is my first weekend in months that I am home, I have minimal plans (aside from a shopping date with a friend and my first haircut in 7 months). TGIF.

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Before I felt better about what was happening at work, I had this thought – what would happen if I got fired?

I realized my world would be rocked, in a very daunting, right down to my core type of way. Not because of the bills that would have to be paid. Not because I would have to find another job. But because it would be my biggest failure. My only failure actually, and one that would strip me of who I thought I was.

And that’s scary.

I hate to admit it, but my career – my job – my experience – this firm – has been the most stable part of who I am. The thing that would appear as number one on the list if someone asked what I was good at. Sure I’m a good wife, puppy mom, friend, sister, athlete – but what I would put at top? I’m a good worker. I’m a hard worker. I’m a smart worker. (Smart in the efficient sense, but I guess I’m not dumb either, ha.) I’ve become a leader in my career, at a prestigious firm, and it feels so good.

And so when I was reading this article the other day, nodding along in agreement, I thought, what are the little things keeping me happy? The things that if god forbid I did lose my job, or when I’m out on maternity leave one day, will save me from feeling like my identity is falling apart. Do I focus on those little things enough, or do they get pushed aside often for the bigger things?

The big things are paying your bills and renting your first apartment. They are working towards that promotion and finding that person to marry. While these should make you happy and productive, they aren’t the things that are important.

The little things are the ones you need to pay attention to. The little things are what’s going to save you when your career ends or your marriage comes crashing down.

The little things are sunrises and sunsets, a great beer and watching a stranger help the homeless.

The little things are the cobblestone streets on your trip to Italy or the fresh fish at the market. It’s the walks through Central Park and the warm croissants at that French bakery you love so much. It’s the warm weather and the fall breezes.

We forget to pay attention to the little things and shift our focus to attaining the big things. We forget to look up at the buildings or at the people we love because we’re too focused on getting to those bigger things we find so important.

…Now is the time to read that article if you haven’t yet…

I do think focusing and accomplishing the big things are important. I guess I’m just agreeing that these little daily things are just as important to finding and keeping happiness along the path to the big things. Focusing on those little things instead of always the end goal, for me, is the key to keeping my happiness steady.

I know a lot of people can’t relate to what I’m saying. Their job and career doesn’t define them. The truth is, I never thought it would for me. But it has and I’m proud of the worker I have become and I’m proud to be part of this firm. So thinking about all that lately has freaked me out a bit.

While I might be good at balancing my career and life – I of course spend time with the husband, family, friends, Bentley, training, etc. – I still find that my career is where I feel most successful.

This past week has made me take a step back. It has made me focus on what little things I find daily happiness in and how I can start savoring them a little more. It’s made me think about where and how else I might feel successful, and what would help balance out my identity aside from my career.

So far, I like what I’m finding.

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I’ve said it before, but I have a tendency to write a lot more when I’m in a negative or confused place. I wanted to be sure to document some things from the past two weeks because really, life has been good!

The Husband and I watched episodes 1-7 of True Detective on Sunday. Yes 7 (1 hour) episodes straight. To say we can’t wait for the finale this weekend is an understatement. That show is strange and so damn addicting. Watch it.

We took Bentley on an hour hike together on Sunday, the Husband’s idea, and it was so nice to spend time just the three of us outside, even though it was cold and icy. Bentley was so well behaved…that is until he ran up and grabbed something off the ground. We went to pull it out of his mouth and out came what looked like a dirty baby wipe. We both said to each other, no that must be mud on that wipe. Mind you, we were hiking in a really nice, wealthy, reservation area. A few hundred yards later we spotted a pair of torn boxers, covered in shit, with a bunch of used baby wipes next to them. We spent the rest of the walk hands out, gagging, just wanting to get home and sanitize ourselves.

The weekend before this last one, I bought a new car! Well, I traded my 12-year-old Honda in for a 2014 Jeep Patriot lease. I know a lot of people didn’t understand, but it was oddly emotional saying goodbye to that car. It was MY first ever car, and it is tied to so many memories. However, driving around in a nice new car, that I’m not worried will break down or get stuck in a snow bank, is pretty sweet. 🙂

This actual past weekend we had friends from college come out, with their 7 month old baby. I swear I have never seen such a happy, easy-going baby. It definitely didn’t help my baby fever and I actually think it sparked it a bit more in the Husband. We still plan to wait until after my half-ironman (at earliest).

I was so happy to see Bentley’s reaction to having a baby in the house. He was curious, sweet (kept wanting to lick his feet) and oddly calm –at one point I was holding the baby, sitting in the dog bed and Bentley came over, sat down and put his head on my leg. It was one of those moments looking at the baby sitting on my left leg, and the puppy resting on my right leg that I felt, this is pure happiness, and the Husband and I will have this one day. Granted, the baby was in our house for only a few hours, so we still plan to have the behaviorist come and help us prepare him and all that jazz, but I’m still relieved.

Speaking of Bentley, he is back in daycare/going on long walks after being neutered. Life feels far less hectic now that Bentley is more tired, and we actually have more time to have lives.

Our wedding schedule this year keeps getting crazier. We now have the following weddings: July 26th, (August 30th got cancelled (well they decided to make it a family only wedding), yay!), September 20th, October TBD [friends moving home from England having their American reception], November 1st, and December 31st. Plus showers and bachelorettes for all. No more please.

I’m trying really hard to pull myself out of this half-ironman funk. Let’s see if I were to be completely honest… I’m doubting myself. Flat-out doubting myself. So much so that I thought, hmm I could just get pregnant now and not do it. But I don’t want that. I also know, deep down, if I don’t do this now – it will be one of, if not my biggest, regret to date. I think that the best athletes are consistent. For the next few months all I want to do is consistently get these workouts in, no matter the pace. Just get them in. It’s true, I honest to God just want to finish – that’s my only goal!

I went to bed at 9:45pm last night – that’s the earliest in a long time. I was up at 5:40am thinking I was still tired but after my train ride and completing my 45 minute run class – I felt, and still feel, fantastic. The power of sleep…and coffee!

I am so, so, so over the cold weather. I like winter and I love snow, but it’s March. I need sunny mid 50’s now not 20’s with wind chills down to single digits. This weather makes me just want to get home, bundle under covers, lay on the couch, eat hearty meals and watch TV. After doing that since December, it’s time for a change. I never thought weather would affect me this much, but it’s really draining me.

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I

In 2010, I wrote my first “I” post. A year later in 2011, I wrote my second one. In 2013, I wrote my third. And now, in 2014, here we go…

I am…full from the ham and gouda wrap I just ate.

I want…chocolate. I always want chocolate these days.

I have…this pestering anxious feeling that won’t go away.

I wish…I could be more present and not day-dream about how happy and great life will be “when” certain things happen.

I know… I need to take better care of myself. Sleep more, exercise more and better eating habits.

I hate… having constant neck and shoulder aches from staring at a computer 10+ hours a day.

I hear… Spotify mixed with someone yelling on a call a few offices down.

I crave… a night away from responsibility, tucked away in a hotel with the Husband – bringing back some passion that has gone missing lately.

I search… for ways to stay motivated.

I always… wish my house was cleaner.

I usually… believe in myself.

I miss… when life didn’t feel so serious. For instance when I first started working and it “was just a job” and not a “career”.

I love… my little family dearly. Even if lately, I’ve been hard on them – and hard on myself.

I never… doubt that things happen for a reason. Truly, things seem to work out for the best after big changes or uncomfortable decisions.

I rarely… apologize to the Husband. I need to, because there’s no way I’m always right. I tend to “lawyer” myself out of conversations and I am realizing that’s immature and unfair.

I cry… not often lately. In fact, for a while I felt like I was emotionless – the tears wouldn’t come. Until last night watching that commercial with the young Woman, her child and her Husband in the military trying to find a house via Skype since he was overseas. When she goes to look at the house they agreed upon, she opens the door and there he is – inside in his uniform waiting for them with flowers.

I lose… sleep over stupid anxieties that are caused by procrastination or self-doubt.

I should… learn that sometimes it’s easier to let go of control.

I worry… so much that I legit have found 5+ gray hairs recently.

I dream… too vividly, and remember multiple per night and I don’t understand why everyone else doesn’t?

I was… looking for a way out of my half-ironman. Yes, I admit it, I was.

I need… to change my perspective.

I can… truly do anything I want right now in life. I’m successful, I have a great husband, an awesome dog, a cute apartment, a new shiny car, vacations to look forward to — so I can do anything I want – I just have to figure out what it is I want.

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Very early Friday morning I was woken up by the Husband coming in. As soon as I heard him I started telling him how Bentley spent the night whining, and finally I let him sleep with me on the bed to stop his whining (he usually loves his crate, the whole thing was rather abnormal). I didn’t sleep well because for a still small puppy, he sure spreads out. The Husband listened and then said, “I got into an accident last night”.

I say, “what?” and flip on the light.

And standing there is my Husband with stitches down his forehead, bruised, and a little out of it.

I would like to say I stayed calm, but I immediately jumped up, held back tears…that eventually came out and asked a million questions.

His last night as an officer, and he got into an accident.

Oh the absolutely, incredibly, exciting news? Last week the Husband made detective! A drug unit detective to be exact, the path he has wanted since day one.

And so on his last night on patrol on the overnight shift, he went out with a bang. Literally.

Apparently he got into an icy car accident…with a dump truck. He was rushed via ambulance to the ER. It was at this time that all of his shift decided they shouldn’t call me. I’m still not sure how I feel about this one, but they knew I couldn’t do anything, he was OK aside from needing a few stitches, and they didn’t want me driving at 3am on icy roads to get to the hospital.

And so on Friday I took a personal day. As much as he assured me he was ok, aside from sore and looking like Frankenstein, I couldn’t stomach him being home alone and going to sleep without someone checking on him. Only he spent all of Friday awake. For whatever reason, shock, excitement, discomfort – he stayed awake through 7pm. (At that point he had been awake well over 24 hours.)

I was supposed to head into the city for my friend’s 30th birthday, but I just couldn’t. I had this horrible fear about him going to sleep and not waking up, and I was extremely anxious about leaving him. To the point of going into the bathroom and talking myself down from a full-blown panic attack. A call to my understanding friend (thank God) and I stayed home and he finally went to sleep. Every few hours I went in to the bedroom, woke him up and asked him questions. Later, after having my own relief tear fest, just as I crawled into bed, he turned to me and shouted his birthday, “9-26-84, shh, I am sleeping”. At least we ended the night with a little laugh.

And then there was Saturday.

The cliff notes version. I met my younger sister for a quick spin class, spent the whole time fearing she would faint – since her heart-break diet has made her even more thin than she already is – and then headed home with her in tow as I promised her a full sister day.

A day or two prior I had noticed that Bentley was getting eye discharge, a little darker than the previous normal discharge. And on Saturday morning, his eyes were covered in crust, with dark discharge. Our normal vet doesn’t have weekend hours so I placed a quick call to the pet ER. They gave two options, he could come, get checked out and likely given meds (and confirm it’s not a scratch or worse) or wait to see the regular vet, but chance it to get worse and of course, hold him out of daycare for the first few days of the week. I’m not sure I would have been as concerned if my work friend hadn’t just been in the same scenario which resulted in her dog getting his eye removed last month.

And so off to the pet ER we went. Turns out he has conjunctivitis, just like a human, and we are giving him ointment 3x a day. Apparently very common in dogs, especially ones at daycare who rough house but the vet thought it was good we went so that he can return to daycare on Tuesday.

Bentley was exhausted at this point, thankfully, so I fed him, and crated him and the little sister and I went off to do some shopping and then saw Frozen. Frozen was hilarious, and the perfect sister, cheer you up movie! After we grabbed some food and headed home to eat and hang with Bentley and the Husband. Sister ended up sleeping over since she didn’t want to be alone.

Sunday morning we were up by 6:30am (thanks Bentley) and drinking coffee before I drove the little sister home around 9. Half hour there, then half hour back and I raced to get into the shower to get ready to head out to the Husband’s parent’s house. His Dad, (as a fun side project) built a ton of condos and they were having the first open house. We toured through them, had a nice late lunch, and then drove the hour home finally ending my weekend around 8pm.

The Husband ended up in bed by 9:15pm, still exhausted and getting used to the new schedule.

I sort of spent an hour or so last night getting worked up and anxious.

I don’t know what it is, but I all around can’t stop feeling like a failure when it comes to half-ironman training. Half my training went out the window last week – between snow storms, ER trips, and other priorities. I have this underlying “I can’t do it” feeling which brings me down even more.

And then, the Husband’s new schedule is fantastic in that he has weekends off (woohoo!) but…

His new week day schedule is likely 1pm-9pmish. Meaning I need to get home from work and to doggy daycare by the 6:30pm pick-up time – every week day. I won’t see him on weekdays much and I pretty much need to get my workouts in and completed in the morning since now I don’t have to worry about getting Bentley to daycare since the Hubby can.

The truth is, this is a big change, and 95% a fantastic one. The 5% is just that we need to figure out our new normal, adjust schedules, and now – make time for each other on weekends.

This is an insanely long post but I guess I need to get this out too.

With the exception of my closest Boston friend, and likely my friend S who is always busy too, my other Boston friends and my younger sister, don’t understand the need for me to spend time with my Husband. Sometimes it feels really unfair. It’s a constant judgment if I say I can’t do something to spend time with Jim “because I live with him”. I’m getting frustrated, really frustrated. And anxious, clearly.

In fact, aside from those same two friends, none of my friends said anything along the lines of, “hope the Husband is ok”. I got one text from a friend saying she was sad I didn’t make it to that birthday party – and truthfully I bet she doesn’t even understand why I wanted to stay home with my stitched up and concussed husband. I had let them know what happened, so it’s not that they were unaware.

I guess I just don’t understand their thinking. I love everyone in my life – but I understand when they have other priorities (between work, family, friends, babies, weddings, etc.) or even need their own down time. It doesn’t upset me if they can’t do something, because I know there’s good reason behind it, and I’ll gladly spend time with them when they can.

I think this is really weighing me down a bit. I’m struggling to find balance, and most of all, struggling to find selfish time for me and my workouts. Everything seems to be a priority these days, but the truth is, they aren’t all priorities to me. And yet, I end up feeling guilty and anxious when some friends don’t understand and so I find myself paying $50, driving an hour into the city to walk through a beer fest and not drink because I was driving, with a friend and her boyfriend so she doesn’t get upset, and I end up home at 11pm, unhappy. It’s even harder when every single weekend there are multiple “priority” things. Between Bentley, work, my friends, my family, the Husband’s friends, the Husband’s family, and God forbid trying to make time for just us as a couple… I’m losing it. Cleaning? Organizing? Errands? A hair cut? Who has time for that?!

I just found out my Tokyo project, which includes my evening 7pm -9/10pm calls will continue through September.

I want to run away. But, I know… I just need to take a deep breath.

 

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You know what I say in regards to January ending?

Halle-friggan-lujah!!!!!!

I am actually pretty thankful to put January behind me and start a fresh month with a fresh attitude. While January had some great times, for whatever reason there was a dark energy around me for most of it…

I spent all of January sick. I kid you not, I had a cold that started around Christmas and never went away. This past week I have finally started to sleep through the night without waking up in a coughing fit and having to chug Nyquil. The difference of getting 4 hours of sleep a night to 7 is spectacular.

I spent all of January running from one thing to the next, feeling like I was making everyone around me happy and thankful… but feeling so empty as a result. I just wasn’t taking care of myself. Every weekend was booked to the max, as were many week nights, including my new week night work calls and therefore I wasn’t taking care of myself. (It’s funny I have read something similar on so many other blogs.)

I’d also like to forget the fact that there was a night where a crazy person tried to run the Husband over. Luckily he wasn’t successful but it was way too close to either the Husband getting run over, or the Husband having to shoot someone – neither of which are good outcomes. He tried to hide it from me but I overheard his Chief call to talk about it and thank him for keeping such a calm head and figuring out a way to arrest the guy without an outcome of death on either side. I do pretty well most of the time at ignoring what it really means to be in his line of work but that was a not so fun in-my-face reminder.

I’d also like to put behind me the night Bentley and I spent at the ER as a result of him eating my thong. Almost funny now…at the time, not funny! They induced vomiting quickly (luckily I saw him grab it and swallow it) so we were able to get to the ER and they could get it back up before any potential blockage occurred. As a result of their suggestion, I need to look into pet insurance. We’re also working hard on “drop-it” in our obedience class.

Anyway, I’m ready to move forward and not even look back!

First, I do have some fun plans coming up in February:

-A joint birthday workout/massage day with a friend
-A full on date night of dinner and a movie with the Husband
-A 30th birthday party for a friend
-A full sister day of nails, yoga, movies, and shopping (my little sister had her heart broken…a post for another time)
-A baby shower
-A visit from college friends (the best way to end the month, can’t wait!)

A few things I plan to do this month to make it more positive.

I’m adding into my calendar a week night each week, and a few weekend days that I’m blocking off and not making plans. Maybe I’ll end up with last minute plans, but knowing I have some time to recharge makes me feel better.

I’m going to stop procrastinating. I have this bad habit of feeling exhausted by the time I get home that I sit down and watch TV but the entire time I’m stressing about packing my work bag, my workout clothes, the growing piles of laundry, skimming work emails, etc. I would like to take 30 minutes every Sunday night and line up my week of work outfits and workout clothes so that each night it’s as simple as throwing it in my bag.

I’m coming up with a cleaning schedule. Having our house in a constant state of chaos has this seriously stressful effect on me that is always on my mind. Even if it’s 15 minutes a day to keep it somewhat tidy would probably do wonders for my life.

I’m getting myself back to a place where half-ironman training is fun. Becelisa was a great reminder and supporter of this. I’m so stressed about following my plan to a T that it’s not fun, I’m skipping workouts and it’s like this heavy weight on me at all times. Instead, I’m going to focus on getting 5 workouts in a week, targeting the areas I can do my best in (bike and run) rather than 6 days of workouts that feel so stressful I don’t do them at all. I’ll probably have a longer post around this as I work on it.

I’m going to put more effort into my marriage and date nights. Things are good with the Husband but we both have started to want to add more date time in and he actually sent me a great article on the rules of marriage and there a few things in there that we both want to actively start focusing on. Even though he is my top priority, it’s so easy to make him feel last (and vice versa) because it’s easier to partake in other obligations. But in reality when we do that, we fight, we feel crappy, and we miss out. Since our schedules are so opposite and for a while there every time he had time off we were doing things with friends or family which is great, we’ve just really missed out on time for just “us”.

Anyway, it feels like a lot of, “I’m going to” right now. It’s time to get to a place of “I am”.

feb

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