Posts Tagged ‘anxiety’

Very early Friday morning I was woken up by the Husband coming in. As soon as I heard him I started telling him how Bentley spent the night whining, and finally I let him sleep with me on the bed to stop his whining (he usually loves his crate, the whole thing was rather abnormal). I didn’t sleep well because for a still small puppy, he sure spreads out. The Husband listened and then said, “I got into an accident last night”.

I say, “what?” and flip on the light.

And standing there is my Husband with stitches down his forehead, bruised, and a little out of it.

I would like to say I stayed calm, but I immediately jumped up, held back tears…that eventually came out and asked a million questions.

His last night as an officer, and he got into an accident.

Oh the absolutely, incredibly, exciting news? Last week the Husband made detective! A drug unit detective to be exact, the path he has wanted since day one.

And so on his last night on patrol on the overnight shift, he went out with a bang. Literally.

Apparently he got into an icy car accident…with a dump truck. He was rushed via ambulance to the ER. It was at this time that all of his shift decided they shouldn’t call me. I’m still not sure how I feel about this one, but they knew I couldn’t do anything, he was OK aside from needing a few stitches, and they didn’t want me driving at 3am on icy roads to get to the hospital.

And so on Friday I took a personal day. As much as he assured me he was ok, aside from sore and looking like Frankenstein, I couldn’t stomach him being home alone and going to sleep without someone checking on him. Only he spent all of Friday awake. For whatever reason, shock, excitement, discomfort – he stayed awake through 7pm. (At that point he had been awake well over 24 hours.)

I was supposed to head into the city for my friend’s 30th birthday, but I just couldn’t. I had this horrible fear about him going to sleep and not waking up, and I was extremely anxious about leaving him. To the point of going into the bathroom and talking myself down from a full-blown panic attack. A call to my understanding friend (thank God) and I stayed home and he finally went to sleep. Every few hours I went in to the bedroom, woke him up and asked him questions. Later, after having my own relief tear fest, just as I crawled into bed, he turned to me and shouted his birthday, “9-26-84, shh, I am sleeping”. At least we ended the night with a little laugh.

And then there was Saturday.

The cliff notes version. I met my younger sister for a quick spin class, spent the whole time fearing she would faint – since her heart-break diet has made her even more thin than she already is – and then headed home with her in tow as I promised her a full sister day.

A day or two prior I had noticed that Bentley was getting eye discharge, a little darker than the previous normal discharge. And on Saturday morning, his eyes were covered in crust, with dark discharge. Our normal vet doesn’t have weekend hours so I placed a quick call to the pet ER. They gave two options, he could come, get checked out and likely given meds (and confirm it’s not a scratch or worse) or wait to see the regular vet, but chance it to get worse and of course, hold him out of daycare for the first few days of the week. I’m not sure I would have been as concerned if my work friend hadn’t just been in the same scenario which resulted in her dog getting his eye removed last month.

And so off to the pet ER we went. Turns out he has conjunctivitis, just like a human, and we are giving him ointment 3x a day. Apparently very common in dogs, especially ones at daycare who rough house but the vet thought it was good we went so that he can return to daycare on Tuesday.

Bentley was exhausted at this point, thankfully, so I fed him, and crated him and the little sister and I went off to do some shopping and then saw Frozen. Frozen was hilarious, and the perfect sister, cheer you up movie! After we grabbed some food and headed home to eat and hang with Bentley and the Husband. Sister ended up sleeping over since she didn’t want to be alone.

Sunday morning we were up by 6:30am (thanks Bentley) and drinking coffee before I drove the little sister home around 9. Half hour there, then half hour back and I raced to get into the shower to get ready to head out to the Husband’s parent’s house. His Dad, (as a fun side project) built a ton of condos and they were having the first open house. We toured through them, had a nice late lunch, and then drove the hour home finally ending my weekend around 8pm.

The Husband ended up in bed by 9:15pm, still exhausted and getting used to the new schedule.

I sort of spent an hour or so last night getting worked up and anxious.

I don’t know what it is, but I all around can’t stop feeling like a failure when it comes to half-ironman training. Half my training went out the window last week – between snow storms, ER trips, and other priorities. I have this underlying “I can’t do it” feeling which brings me down even more.

And then, the Husband’s new schedule is fantastic in that he has weekends off (woohoo!) but…

His new week day schedule is likely 1pm-9pmish. Meaning I need to get home from work and to doggy daycare by the 6:30pm pick-up time – every week day. I won’t see him on weekdays much and I pretty much need to get my workouts in and completed in the morning since now I don’t have to worry about getting Bentley to daycare since the Hubby can.

The truth is, this is a big change, and 95% a fantastic one. The 5% is just that we need to figure out our new normal, adjust schedules, and now – make time for each other on weekends.

This is an insanely long post but I guess I need to get this out too.

With the exception of my closest Boston friend, and likely my friend S who is always busy too, my other Boston friends and my younger sister, don’t understand the need for me to spend time with my Husband. Sometimes it feels really unfair. It’s a constant judgment if I say I can’t do something to spend time with Jim “because I live with him”. I’m getting frustrated, really frustrated. And anxious, clearly.

In fact, aside from those same two friends, none of my friends said anything along the lines of, “hope the Husband is ok”. I got one text from a friend saying she was sad I didn’t make it to that birthday party – and truthfully I bet she doesn’t even understand why I wanted to stay home with my stitched up and concussed husband. I had let them know what happened, so it’s not that they were unaware.

I guess I just don’t understand their thinking. I love everyone in my life – but I understand when they have other priorities (between work, family, friends, babies, weddings, etc.) or even need their own down time. It doesn’t upset me if they can’t do something, because I know there’s good reason behind it, and I’ll gladly spend time with them when they can.

I think this is really weighing me down a bit. I’m struggling to find balance, and most of all, struggling to find selfish time for me and my workouts. Everything seems to be a priority these days, but the truth is, they aren’t all priorities to me. And yet, I end up feeling guilty and anxious when some friends don’t understand and so I find myself paying $50, driving an hour into the city to walk through a beer fest and not drink because I was driving, with a friend and her boyfriend so she doesn’t get upset, and I end up home at 11pm, unhappy. It’s even harder when every single weekend there are multiple “priority” things. Between Bentley, work, my friends, my family, the Husband’s friends, the Husband’s family, and God forbid trying to make time for just us as a couple… I’m losing it. Cleaning? Organizing? Errands? A hair cut? Who has time for that?!

I just found out my Tokyo project, which includes my evening 7pm -9/10pm calls will continue through September.

I want to run away. But, I know… I just need to take a deep breath.


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I’m embarrassed to say that shortly after yesterday’s blog post I found myself crying in the Whole Foods parking lot. Silly and dramatic, yes, but also, some very real anxieties that I’m feeling.

After talking (word rambling) to a few friends, and reading Becelisa’s comment, I think it has finally set in. I need to stop getting so worked up about the future, and things that are out of my control. I also need to start saying no, and stop feeling guilty about it.

I was spiraling yesterday as I was getting texts and emails about weekend bachelorettes (and showers) all with at least $300 in travel costs alone coming in one after another. Then texts about this coming weekend and plans from Friday through Sunday non-stop. Then the garbage disposal broke and I went into full-blown monster mode.

I took a step back, thought carefully about all of it, what I could feasibly do, what I wanted to do, and where it made sense to say no. And so…

I said NO to the bachelorette weekend in Newport of a girl that I hardly spend time with. But I said yes to her shower.

I said NO to the bachelorette weekend in Nashville, that’s over July 4th weekend, and would end up at almost $1,000 overall. But I said yes to her shower and mini-bachelorette that I will still be flying out to Buffalo for.

I said yes to a friend’s baby shower that is only a 45 minute drive. And let’s be honest, I love baby showers and I want to go!

I said yes to a friend who’s wedding shower and bachelorette will be in one weekend in August (woohoo!). I would have travelled for this friend anyway, as she was wonderful during my wedding process but there’s a slight relief there.

We said yes to a wedding in July. We said yes to a wedding in August. We said yes to a wedding in September with house rental, travel, and present that one will tally to $950 or more, and we said yes to a wedding in November (with travel, hotel and present that one will tally to $700 or more). But let’s hope that’s it for weddings in 2014.

I said NO to hanging out with friends tonight. This one was probably the hardest but I will be spending Saturday 12noon through Sunday 2pm with them. Today, I need to work, I need to get my workout in, I want to spend time with Bentley before we board him (for the first time) tomorrow through Sunday and most of all, I want to get a good night’s sleep to kick this damn cough. I just don’t have it in me to drive 30 minutes from home for a late night when I’ll be up at 7am tomorrow, and seeing everyone the entire rest of the weekend.

And when my mind starts drifting to fears about my work schedule (that will extend from just my Tuesday 8-10pm calls to weekends too this summer) and all of these plans and how we will pay for them if we want to buy a house and have a baby I remind myself… ONE DAY AT A TIME. We will cross that bridge when and if we get there.

And I’m going to start planning and holding myself accountable for my training schedule. Every time I get myself back into the gym and complete a workout as scheduled, I feel like a million bucks. I already took someone on up their offer to hold myself accountable. 😉

I chose this word for a reason. Time to start focusing on it.



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This too shall pass.

I never used to understand when people talked about their anxiety why they couldn’t just get over it. Sure I’ve always been a worrier, but as a logical planner and an optimist by nature I can usually dispel my worries quickly.

Lately, my days with anxiety seem to be happening more frequently, and I feel myself dealing with it poorly. I let it take over. I cry. I get frustrated and upset with the husband. I pretty much blow everything out of proportion and then get frustrated at myself for letting my emotions take over.

Yesterday between a really hectic work from home day (which is never easy), trying to get Bentley in for his doggie day care interview (which they ended up turning us away when not showing medical records for kennel cough. Apparently it’s clear he has all other shots but no record of kennel cough) and then in what was pretty much my worst nightmare come true, picking up his poop and seeing a long spaghetti looking worm in it.

Yes, gag, I pretty much have to hold back my lunch just thinking about it.

….Time to be thankful I’m not including a picture here…

We gave Bentley his normal Heartguard Plus heartworm monthly preventative yesterday. Apparently that can kill other worms. And out that one came. We immediately called the vet and got a de-wormer and it could be worse since it’s very likely it’s just roundworms. Now we know why he vomited twice in the last week. And thankfully, we have only seen two (dead) ones meaning maybe it’s not a bad infestation. [Shudder.]

But see at this point yesterday – I was running late for a meeting, I was behind on work in general, I had just been turned away from the doggie day care interview after I had just packed up Bentley in the car and drove there, which I was banking on working out so that we can board him over New Year’s when we have a wedding, and then I found the worm. And I need to figure out how to see my friend for her birthday on Saturday night when the dog walker doesn’t do after 2pm on weekends and clearly we can’t send him off to day care or boarding and the husband isn’t sure yet what his work schedule will be. But part of me is annoyed anyway because that same birthday friend is in a ridiculous feud with another friend and therefore skipped out on my birthday because that friend was attending. And the husband leaves for Miami next week meaning I’m alone with the puppy for a good few days. And then my closest friend who I love dearly is turning 30 in a little over a month and is so bummed about the feuding friends (we spent an hour on the phone last night discussing) and not being able to plan something that everyone will attend and have fun at. And somehow I just want to find the best solution because of all people, she deserves a damn good birthday.

And then I got mad at myself thinking who am I? Since when have I been so bad about dealing with stress and anxiety?

Everyone else in my life comes to me in crisis and I can easily dole out fixes. So why does it sometimes feel so catastrophic when it’s me?

So after running to Whole Foods and getting out of the house for an hour, I just told myself to knock it off.

This too shall pass. It really will.

Bentley has worms. Gross, yes. Like really gross. But he’s on the medication and he will be fine. I think the medication made him slightly out of it last night because for the first time in weeks he peed on the carpet and seemed so confused about it. (Otherwise as far as I can tell, he feels absolutely fine, he’s jumping through the agility tire and tunnel we bought the first moment he wakes up!) So he can’t go to doggie day care right now, oh well. The dog walker is coming once a day for a 30 minute walk on days the husband sleeps, and it seems to be perfect for Bentley. And for New Years, we’ll figure it out. The husband’s parent’s (who are not dog lovers) have kindly offered to watch him if needed.

And work will always be work. I need to get my butt in gear and just get things done.

After all of this I spent about two hours last night cleaning. I let my guilt of not playing with the dog go out the window and he just followed me around as I unloaded the dishwasher, loaded the dishwasher, cleaned off counters, did laundry (including his beds and blankets from his crates), swiffered, and changed our bed sheets and duvet. Just having a clean place makes the anxiety dissipate a little.

Now on Saturday most likely the husband will be home for the evening and will feed Bentley then crate him around 9:00pm, which truthfully, he’d be fine until 6am if I wanted to stay out that late. Which I do NOT. But I won’t have to stress out getting home by a specific time. I’ll go see my birthday friend, have dinner, stay for a few hours, and head home and be in bed hopefully by midnight.

Today I’m talking with my half ironman coach (I’ve had a few calls with the company to make sure we’re the right match…we are!). Umm…the training plan will be starting on Monday. MONDAY. I am so excited! While people would think this would add more stress it’s just the opposite. It will force me into working out and having a routine – both of which I love and I’m in need of.

I took off next Friday the 13th and Monday the 16th from work since I have a few days to burn. I’m still having the dog walker come on that Friday. I plan to get up as normal and head to the gym and maybe do a little shopping and just enjoy a few hours to myself. And that Saturday morning I will be going on a walk with my best friend and Bentley giving us time to catch up. Then on that Sunday I’m heading into the city with another friend for our 60 minute birthday massages. Heaven.

This too shall pass. So time to making the passing, even when chaotic, enjoyable.

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I was just reading Thought Catalog’s article, 7 things your future self would tell you now and I loved all 7 things, but one stuck out.

Let yourself let go of what keeps you all pretzeled up inside.

This past Friday at work I had my very first panic attack. An actual, chest tightening, couldn’t catch my breath, choking on sobs while calling my childhood best friend in a work bathroom stall, panic attack. I was at the point of being irrational to be honest, and it’s embarrassing to even admit it (as those I know who have had them, I could never understand why they couldn’t rationally calm down) and yet there are obviously enough things I’m internalizing that made me finally snap.

The combination of my Grandfather’s girlfriend passing, work stress, not getting to see the Husband and moving were some of the bigger things you’d think caused it. But really, they weren’t. They were probably the straw that broke the camel’s back.

And my childhood friend knew the real cause… “it’s not your job to be the parent.

I carry a lot of responsibility for my sisters and by default, for my parents in a way. It’s really hard to explain but somehow I’m in this role of trying to protect my parents. I have been since they got divorced when I was about 11. I love my sisters and parents dearly, I really and truly do. But.

Last week – I sent my father and step-father their gifts that the Husband and I picked up during our honeymoon and a sweet card. I made sure it would arrive on the Friday before Father’s Day since my Dad and his Husband are always punctual about getting us our birthday or whatever celebration cards. On Friday night, my sisters ask, what did you send Dad from all of us for Father’s day? Every year, birthdays, Christmas, Father’s day, I do usually send something from the 3 of us – some years it’s just a gift card – and other years it has been hours of work on a photo calendar of sorts – I always plan it and have to pay for it – but sign it from all of us. This year, I didn’t. And somehow, it became my fault that I hadn’t sent something from them and that my Dad wouldn’t be getting anything from them (late, if at all) because of it.

Add in that my Mother was trying to get to my Grandfather’s, my older sister was avoiding riding in a car with her for other reasons which was upsetting her, my younger wasn’t happy that I couldn’t pick her up and instead I asked her to come to me (so the Husband could sleep since he had a night shift that night and the extra hour it would take to get her would be worthwhile for him to sleep) and then she started saying it was a burden for her to come to me and then just wouldn’t come (via text to my Mom, older sister and myself) and I lost it. There’s so many more details to this, but it would take weeks to write.

The worst part is that I do all of this – the planning, the gifts from all of us, the rides, biting my tongue about so, so, so many things to not cause any additional stress or chaos on my parents – because I don’t want them to be hurt. I don’t want the fact that my two sisters can’t get it together to send cards on their own to hurt my Dad’s feelings. I don’t want my Mom to be burdened with chauffeuring around my other sister when she has a million other things going on. From high-school on, because both of my sisters were so difficult (in different ways) I had to try to be perfect and fly under the radar – get perfect grades, have good friends, work practically a full-time job, don’t ask for rides, don’t ask for money and don’t cause more stress to anyone.

I stress so much about making sure my parents aren’t burdened, or their feelings aren’t hurt, or they aren’t stressed . And right now, we are all pretending and overlooking some pretty serious things– and I’m taking that stress, eating it, and letting it grow inside. For all of that to finally boil, alongside those other stressors, like a friend or two who honestly make me listen to hours upon hours of their life happenings without a single question about mine – and I’m tired.

I’m tired of playing therapist. I’m tired of playing peace maker. I’m tired of playing parent. I’m tired of always listening and helping. I’m tired of biting my tongue and not asking for what I want or need. I’m tired of trying to protect everyone’s feelings and happiness over my own.

Or maybe it’s more important to say… I’m tired of it being unfair. I’m tired of playing therapist to those people who don’t ask or care about my life. I’m tired of playing parent – because I’m not one. I’m tired of helping take away other’s stress and worries at the cost of my own happiness. I’m tired of always trying to be my best self – to those that give me their worst.

I’m surrounding by so many other good, positive, and giving people – and it’s not that everyone has to be positive all the time – more so – they don’t have to be energy drainers. Being around these good people – gives me energy. Gives me happiness. Pushes me in the best possible way. Doesn’t burden me in the slightest. It’s a 2-way relationship with them. And so for a while I’m going to try something.

I’m going to spend my time with those people. I’m going to speak up to the others, who maybe even without meaning to, or because I have enabled them, drain me. I’m going to try to be my 28-year-old self, finding my way into adulthood, focusing on my job, my husband, having some fun, saying no to things I don’t want to do, and finally, no longer being the parent of a 30 and 24-year-old.

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Okay so this post may be a jumble but that’s what my brain is like now anyway!

First, it snowed buckets today, literally. There’s about 25+ inches where I am in New York and that made commuting into my NYC office impossible. I had a rather stressful day working from my Mom’s home. The anxiety is finally fading a bit and that’s all helped by my to do list.

Never underestimate the to do list. At about 1pm this afternoon I almost felt like I was having an anxiety attack. I just had too much to even imagine doing before being out of the office for almost two weeks and travelling all over South America.

Just writing out my to do’s helped. It eased me to see everything I needed to do and realize it wasn’t 1,000 large things – it was about 20 small things that I slowly have crossed off my life. I have two remaining work things to do, and 1 personal, and then I’m done for the night.

And tomorrow I will be leaving for my South America journey. A few big things on my mind that I’ll be thinking about while I’m away:

1. Physically I don’t feel great. I’ve been eating sugar up the wazoo and sure the scale is up 6lbs but the worst part is that I feel it.  However, I’ll be hiking or biking daily on this trip so I plan on kicking my exercise appetite right back into gear!

2. Work.  I just don’t know what I want. But I need to start thinking about it and not just letting day by day go by.

3. B. Well in this case, I won’t be thinking about him. We haven’t talked – not a text, email, call, (well we glanced a each other at the 5k) etc in 11 days. I won’t have any access to phone/email while I’m away so in a few days it will mark the longest we have ever gone not speaking in 3.5 years. But that is OK. I feel OK about it. When I return I have to give him back his gear and my heart and head tells me that this break was meant to happen.

4. What are my year’s goals? Fitness? Relationships? Work? Hobbies? Challenges for myself?

And of course, I’ll be letting myself relax and enjoy this insane trip!!!

Happy & Safe new year to all, I’ll be posting many pictures, updates and hopefully some epiphany moments when I get back 🙂

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I woke up last night at 3am after a ridiculous nightmare (it included 50 cent and him trying to kidnap me). When I was wide awake I started getting anxiety about work. I haven’t had anxiety like this in a long time. The heart pounding, racing irrational thoughts kind. And it just wouldn’t stop. For two hours I tossed and turned trying to shut my brain off. And I couldn’t even pin point entirely why I was feeling the anxiety – a combination at the discomfort I have with a meeting today, the irritation at the players involved and the impending punching bag that I’ll be during the meeting, or maybe that I’m just not sure I’m enjoying what I do anymore.


What happens when you work in a field for 4 years and get your master’s in that related field, and then you realize — what if this isn’t right for me? Is it too late?

But what’s worse, what if you truly don’t know what it is that you do want to do?

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