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Posts Tagged ‘B’

Last night I dreamt of B. Yeah, that B. Oddly I don’t remember the dream, I just know I woke up feeling a deep sadness.

I can’t really remember the last time I talked to him. I know it’s been over 2 years now since an actual conversation. Almost a full year since even a polite “happy birthday” text.

The feeling I woke up with was more nostalgia I guess than sadness. At times I miss how simple life felt back then, and with B. Get in the car and drive to Maine for the weekend. Hop a flight to Canada or Ireland. Meet after work for dinner in the city and stay up until 1am having deep conversations. Jam pack one long date day from 7am coffee and breakfast on until 11pm bedtime.

But the truth is, it’s not B who I miss. Because when I really remember how I felt back then it was… unsure. Anxious. This feeling of skating on thin ice, always. Deep down I knew very early on, that B didn’t want to get married and have kids. Yet, we connected deeply on many other levels, but never on our main values. So we continued on, happily at times, but always I knew – if and when I brought up that someday I wanted those things, he’d let me go. And eventually I did bring them up, and immediately, he let me go.

The more I’ve thought about it this morning, the more I realize that the nostalgia for those times is because life lately, and in the past year has just felt so busy. Sure sometimes it’s busy with really fun and great things. And sometimes it’s busy with crap that I don’t want to do. Lately I feel more and more like my time is less my time, and more time to meet obligations.

Part of it is perspective. Part of its changed priorities. Part of it is getting older, and becoming more established – in my marriage, career, with friends and family. Starting a family, even if that just means adopting Bentley.

Looking back, when I was with B I was working a job versus a career. I was finishing up my masters. I was 24 years old and everything felt exciting and fun and nothing felt that serious. Everything was about change, and it was supposed to be.

Now, money and savings are far more important. Trying to buy or build a house is a priority. Taking care of a puppy is a serious responsibility. Work isn’t just a 9-5, I’m frequently having 12 hour days. Marriage takes work, compromise and time… time that somehow keeps slipping away. I don’t see the Husband during the week anymore. We get to sleep together (which I love) but he usually gets home after 10pm. So we have weekends.

But weekends, oh the weekends. They are full of seeing this person or that person visiting, or this baby shower, or that wedding shower, or this wedding, or that 30th birthday. Sometimes the Husband can come along, but many times he can’t.

Oh and training. Fitting in training. 3+ hour bike rides on the weekend too.

Jeez, I need to snap out of this funk today.

Nothing changes if nothing changes…

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It’s my four-year blogging anniversary.

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Four years ago at this time, my heart was broken. It’s so funny how being heart-broken sounds like such a normal, common term, but at the time, my God I felt anything but.

I felt utter grief, physical pain, an ache so deep I remember waking up thinking my ribs were bruised.

I wasn’t eating and dropped to 125lbs at almost 5’8.

I was crying, somewhat openly to family and friends at first, then secretly, almost daily in my studio apartment.

Night time was the worst. 3am and somehow I’d always find myself crumpled and sobbing, shoulders shaking, on my bathroom floor.

I thought I would never get over B. At times I fantasized we truly were meant to be and we would get back together.

I spent a full year waiting, and hoping. Putting on a strong face, and being his friend. A full year trying to move past that heartache and yet one minor action, like holding my hand on our plane ride back from Ireland, or saying how much he still cared and loved me, would set me right back and I would start the heartbreak process all over.

It’s almost funny that now, I look back, and I am so incredibly thankful for that experience.

I’m thankful I felt love and loss like that, I truly am.

Sometimes I’m even nostalgic for that pain. It sounds ridiculous, but being heartbroken was the deepest emotion I have ever experienced to date.

Most of all, I’m thankful for who I became as a result of it.

I learned many wonderful things from B overall – he taught me to love myself and understand I deserved the best. He truly taught me how to communicate effectively and understand that fighting in relationships is never, and should never be about winning. He made me see an adventurous side of me that was waiting to come out.

But I learned the most out of my heartbreak time.

I learned to be independent.

I learned to love and appreciate my own time, with just me, writing, reading or relaxing.

I learned that I have the most wonderfully supportive and loving family and friends.

I learned that I could put my mind to something – finishing graduate school, getting promoted, signing up and accomplishing a triathlon – and be succesful, even without a significant other.

I learned that I could travel the world, Patagonia with a friend, for two weeks and enjoy every incredibly experience while there.

I learned, after that trip, to let go. That after experiencing the heartbreak you truly have to let go. And I remember the moment exactly… being in a bar in Chile, walking up to a cute guy and kissing him. Just like that.

I learned that opening your heart up and being vulnerable after heartbreak is harder. Much harder.

I learned that once I did, I would love deeper than I could have imagined. Because I finally found a love that loved me as me, even on bad days, and was willing and wanted to give me what I wanted most – a family.

And so it’s almost ironic, though I won’t tell her in that way, that my younger sister has found herself in the exact same place, at almost the exact same time in her life.

My sister has followed many of my footsteps, from college to even moving to Boston. At 24, just about turning 25, she and her boyfriend of about one and a half years broke up. She is utterly and completely heart-broken.

I can’t take her pain away. I can only help to support her, to distract her, and to help her pass the time. Because truly, the one and only thing that helped, was time. Time heals all.

And I hope that one day, a year, maybe four years from now, she can look back at her heartbreak and feel the same way.

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I went to my running class this morning. Getting up at 5:35am just doesn’t get easier, and even with the beautiful morning view, I still found myself wanting to head back to bed. Half the class I kept using “Starbucks” as my mantra to get through the sprints and rolling hills. By the end of the class I felt a hundred times better. More awake and alive than I’ve felt in days.

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Speaking of Starbucks I just tried a non-fat gingerbread latte. Absolutely disgusting. I don’t know why I do this. I love coffee, chai and once in a while a peppermint mocha or caramel macchiato. Anything else, is either too sweet or just gross to me. I’m trying to choke it down since I spent over $4 on the thing.

The past week I have felt exhausted. I’m talking can’t keep my eyes open past 8pm, with cranky moods and just groggy like I could nap anywhere at any time. I’m wondering if it’s a bit of a coffee withdrawal. During my week staycation I was drinking 3 LARGE coffees a day since I didn’t care what time I went to bed. I’ve cut it back down to 1-2. Also the latest I have slept in weeks happened this past weekend…that time would be 6:40am. I miss sleep.

I feel like I’m on the brink of change or in need of creating some goals again. On the 26th I’ll turn 29 and I just feel like I want to accomplish something in the last years of my 20s. Yeah, I complain about how crazy life is and then as soon as it settles into a routine, I want more. Typical.

I saw an acquaintance on Facebook who (my age) just completed an Ironman. Aside from how incredible I think she is, I’m flat out jealous. I’m jealous she had the balls to do it, to train like that and from what she showed – gave up free time, extracurricular activities, alcohol, etc. and I’m jealous she lives in Arizona/Colorado where training weather is much more stable than New England. I’m jealous she had the drive to get up some mornings at 3am to train and I complain about 5:35am wake-up. Man, 2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike ride, and 26.2 marathon sounds insane. It makes me want a goal again so badly. But it also reminds me why I honestly stopped doing triathlons. The part I liked and excelled at the most, the bike, became my biggest fear. In the last tri I did two summers ago, I witnessed a horrific bike crash that to this day I don’t know if the guy lived (I’ve tried to Google many times) and it just has put a fear in me that I can’t seem to let go.

To be honest, I really want to have some kind of fitness goal, and I get excited about potential races or opportunities. But then I think about how the Husband and I really might start trying to have kids come the new year… and how does that work? I just don’t know yet. Again, I feel like I’m in this weird waiting period.

I had a dream last night that I had a flesh eating disease. It was so vivid and graphic. At one point I kissed a guy on the cheek and then seconds later just his bone was showing. Then I went to talk to my Mom and old Director and I couldn’t get the words out and instead a surge of grey flesh shot out of my mouth. Like seriously, who has dreams like this? And why must I remember them?

I took Bentley on a 2 mile off leash hike over this past weekend with 7 other dogs. He was so incredibly well behaved, stayed close by, and kept “checking” in with me every once in a while. To say he had a ball is an understatement. He was almost comatose he was so tired afterwards which was honestly, nice for a change. He probably hated us however when we ended up at the emergency vet because of a tick half still in him (failed attempt at getting him out) and as new puppy parents not realizing that ticks usually die and get pushed out by their skin. Yay for spending $120 on future advice.

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My team at work may be asked to pilot “sharing space”. For example, if there are 8 of us, having only 3 workstations and rotating days to be in the office. I think I’m the only one who absolutely hates the idea. Sure I love working from home one day a week, hell maybe even two if needed – but more than that? 50% of my day is meetings and to do it remotely (while the rest of the project team is sitting in a conference room or on a video conference together) and building relationships via the phone or gotomeeting? Not my preference. Everyone will probably hate me for asking, but I’ll probably be the exception if they push this on us. I’ll work two days a week from home, but I just can’t do more than that. For my own sanity, for my Husband’s who needs to sleep during the day and for the sake of my work.

Is it lame to say that I love going to Puppy Kindergarten each week with Bentley? Well, I love it. I love watching Bentley play with the other dogs (in particular the cutest Bernese Mountain dog ever) and it’s such a good way for him to learn new social and mental skills (and to train me). Class ends this weekend and I think I’m going to sign up to start taking him to Wednesday night “Good Manners” classes that start in January.

Tomorrow, as in November 20th, is a date that used to give me a pit in my stomach. It’s the date that in 2009 I went with my friend V to see the second Twilight movie. B was in California visiting an old camp friend. And in what was one of the most surprising turn of events, much later that night at almost 3am I was on the phone with B as we broke up, both crying into the phone. The day after I spent my 25th birthday celebration in a hotel with my best girlfriends, and I sobbed myself to sleep. My God how life has changed. That girl, (I’m re-reading posts from the start of my blog right now) never imagined she’d be where she is today. You just never know. I’m so thankful and happy for the way life has turned out.

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