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I think when I pictured coming back to work everything would be on a smooth schedule.

I’d wake up refreshed, after Brooklyn slept through the night, in her crib, in her own room. I’d say bye to her and she’d give me a big smile and I’d head to work, excited to get a little me time again. I’d come home, excited to see her, play with her, read her a book before putting her to bed then having a little me time to eat dinner and relax before bed.

HA-HA.

Monday I started work again. To say I was (am) a big ball of emotions is an understatement.

For one, I’m exhausted. Long story short, we determined a few weeks ago that Brooklyn has silent reflux. She started to refuse to eat – basically she would eat an ounce or two then scream bloody murder for an hour. It became alarming when it happened with every bottle, and worse when the ounces she was eating started to dwindle day by day. 5+ weeks of trial and error – doctor visits (including one amazing doctor at Children’s hospital), medications, tears, and a lot of patience (i.e. keeping her elevated 30 minutes post eating and when sleeping, feeding her slowly and burping her lots), and we’re in a better place (still not 100% but MUCH better). Anyway, because of this, she’s still eating much smaller amounts more frequently – I’m talking practically newborn state again. I’m thankful that this is something she will grow out of and blessed that while it may be a tough few months, overall she’s healthy.

Anyway, she’s actually sleeping in our room, in our bed. She “goes” to sleep (on me/in my arms) around 8, up to eat again around 10:30, asleep around 11, up again at 2, asleep around 3, up again at 5 and sometimes back asleep, sometimes not. Meaning I’m averaging truthfully, about 5 hours of broken sleep a night.

So right now…this is a new day in the life…

2:00am – Brooklyn stirs. Quickly pick her up before she goes into full on screaming mode. Feed her 4 ounces. (This is usually the largest feed she’ll take since she’s half asleep. During the day we’re still only getting 2-3 ounces in her at a time.)

2:40am – Lay Brooklyn back down after finishing bottle, burping her, holding her upright for at least 20 minutes.

3:00am – Finally drift back off to sleep.

4:30am – Stirring. Not sure if it’s the medications or just the immaturity still of her digestive system but she writhes quite a bit in her sleep. Always wakes me up.

5:00am – Scream fest begins. Feed her another 2 ounces. Try to settle her but she just isn’t settling.

5:45am – She finally drifts off. I contemplate sleeping another 20 minutes or just getting up. Try to lay down but all I can think about is work so I get up and shower.

6:00-7:20am – Shower, dry hair, get dressed, get Brooklyn’s medications out, wash and fill bottles for my MIL who is taking care of her most afternoons once the Husband goes to work until we start a few days of daycare in June. Lay out clothes for her. Throw laundry in. Throw dishes in dishwasher. Drink coffee…x2

7:30am – Leave for train station. Cry en route. Strange mix of emotions – on one hand I love my job and it feels good to work again. But there’s this inner struggle – I feel guilty for wanting to work. I feed sad for missing out on moments with Brooklyn. And really, I just plain miss her. I’m so overwhelmed with emotions and exhaustion that I wish I could just drive to a secluded island by myself.

7:50am – Train to the city.

8:40am – Starbucks en route to my office. Try to order a grande blonde roast, only twice it came out as a Blondey roast. Barista laughs at me and asks if I want a venti instead.

8:50am – Sit down at my desk..with my venti.

9:00-4:00ish – Work, work, work. Go into the bathroom and cry twice (hey I expected more!) Connect with other new moms at work and get confirmation that the first month is really hard and that’s normal. Check in with my MIL a few times, ask for pictures. Hear all the new drama, get a crap ton of new work, and try to ease back in. There are moments where it just feels really good to be working again.

4:25pm – Train home. My manager leaves by 4 and comes in later than me so as long as I can, I plan on being efficient enough (I skip lunch anyway) to leave at the same time too.

5:15pm – Walk in the door and immediately grab my girl. Slightly heartbroken she doesn’t seem more excited but I know 5pm starts her fussy time and at least I get a smile. (Also, I’m not sure what I’m expecting from a 14 week old, ha.)

5:30pm – Changed out of my work outfit, took Bentley outside and get updates from my MIL before she leaves.

5:45pm – Attempt to feed her, get only 2 ounces in and then she refuses more.

6:10pm – It’s beautiful out so decide to take her on a quick stroller walk around the neighborhood for some fresh air. Chat with (at?) her the whole time – people must think I’m a nuts.

6:40pm – Come home, change her diaper and “read” a book (read to her while she laughs at me / looks around), tell her about my day.

7:15pm – Give her medication and draw a bath. She’s in clingy mode so carry her around while doing all of this.

7:30pm – Tubby time! Sing her the tubby time song (“tubby time, tubbbby tubby tubby tubby time, time to wash all the yuckies away, it’s the best part of the daaay” (Don’t ask.) She truly loves tubby time and it actually is my favorite part of the day.

7:50pm – Get her in a clean diaper, put her in her jammies and settle her a bit. Carry her in one arm while eating pasta salad (my dinner) with one hand standing at the counter while Bentley begs at my feet.

8:15pm – She’s hungry. This girl goes from 0-60. Warm a bottle while she starts to pant and panic.

8:35pm – Got 3.5 ounces in, not too bad. Burp burp burp. Sway sway sway.

8:50pm – Rock her / keep her upright.

9:00pm – Lay her in the rock-n-play (since it’s more upright) and run around like a chicken with my head cut off. Pick out work outfit. Take out contacts. Go to the bathroom. Chug an emergen-c (fighting a cold). Brush teeth. Bring bottles up for nighttime feeds. Set up bedroom – nightlight, sound machine/fan. Give Bentley water/food.

9:12pm – She’s awake…

9:15pm – Walking around while carrying her, trying to resettle her.

9:30pm – Husband gets home from work. He’s had a really long day – court in the morning then a 9 hour shift.

10:00pm- Head to bed, with Brooklyn. Get about 1.5 ounces in her before calling it quits.

10:28pm – Last time I look at my phone before falling asleep…hoping for at least a 4 hour stretch. (Spoiler, I got about 3.5 hours)
****

Even though I’m exhausted, overwhelmed by emotions, sick (thanks Husband for this awful head cold), and life is just so different now…I love it. I really do. I mean I don’t love all parts of it of course, but I love this little girl, I love our new expanded family, I love shaking up what was once our routine (we thought we were “busy” before…we sure watched a lot of tv) and I love how special everything feels now. I have learned pretty quickly that each phase/hard time/new normal with a baby passes quickly. The good ones and the bad. So as much as I’m a type A, need a schedule and routine and to do lists type, I think for a while I’m ok with just enjoying this roller-coaster of a time period.

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My journey with breastfeeding has not been as easy one. In fact, almost to the day that it became easy, it became a whole lot harder.

I always knew I wanted to breastfeed, but to be honest I wasn’t looking forward to it or thinking of it as something that would be some amazing bonding experience.

But I couldn’t have been more wrong.

After quite a few lactation appointments, practice with a nipple shield (thanks flat nipples!), and a few days of excruciating pain (razor blades to my nipples pain), we got into a routine. Somewhere around 4 weeks, I started to look forward to our nursing sessions. It was 30-40 minutes of tenderness and quiet. I can’t quite explain it, and maybe a big part of it is hormonal, but I really started to enjoy it. The feeling of being needed, of nourishing her, watching her and stroking her hair. It just felt special.

Around 5 weeks I started noticing that her diapers went from normal breastfeed yellow color to a strange mucousy green color. At that same time she started to become inconsolably fussy. She would nurse, appear happy and then like clockwork, about 30 minutes later start to scream. Not a “I’m wet cry” but an “I’m in pain scream”.

After a few calls with her pediatrician I brought her in only to be told they thought it was maybe a virus, or something I ate that caused her to react like that. They reiterated she was doing okay, although her weight gain had slowed slightly. They noted that we should watch her skin – all along we were told she had “baby acne” but we should gently wash it a few times a day to hopefully help clear it up.

I left that appointment feeling like something still wasn’t right. On top of that, the fact that her weight gain slowed down made me terrified that maybe I wasn’t producing enough milk if she wasn’t gaining as fast anymore.

A week later, and many more mucousy diapers, and a lot of very bad days and I just knew. I won’t lie, everyone around me thought I was overreacting. It’s “colic” they said. In fact the morning I asked the Husband to drop off a diaper at her pediatrician to look again, he flat out said I was overreacting. But something in my gut knew, no this isn’t right.

An hour later they called. Blood in her diaper. They suspected – between her skin, the lower weight gain and the mucousy/bloody diapers that she had a milk intolerance. Different from an allergy or being lactose intolerant – just that at this point apparently she was having a hard time digesting milk protein.

And so committed to still breastfeeding, I gave up everything with dairy and soy. Soy because apparently most milk intolerances come with soy intolerances as well. It wasn’t just the obvious milk, butter, cheese, yogurt, etc. but I read every single label carefully. I quickly replaced my old Siggys yogurt with Almond milk yogurt. I started to eat plain meat, eggs, veggies and fruit and actually felt pretty great.

Brooklyn’s skin started to clear a little bit, but 5 days after starting we had probably the worst day of all. 7 hours of crying – again the high pitched, I’m in pain, inconsolable crying. So bad and so long her voice went completely hoarse. At her 5am feeding I couldn’t find it in me to nurse her again only to follow it with screams so I took out the hypoallergenic formula that I made sure we had on hand for emergency purposes. She gulped it down and went to sleep. And I cried, if you can call those deep sobs just crying, for four hours straight.

The next day we went back to the pediatrician and this time they said, well it could be eggs or tree nuts also, but the only way to know is to do a total elimination diet. Eat (real) turkey breast, white rice and carrots for two weeks to see but to know that it could take up to 8 weeks to fully get out of my system and then hers. That her diaper did still have blood, but she had gained weight and she did have a visible sore inside her anus, causing the blood, a result of her GI tract being pretty messed up.

I left that appointment feeling pretty sad. I think deep down I knew what was coming.

So for two days straight I ate nothing but turkey, carrots, and white rice. I was miserable. For the most part Brooklyn was miserable too, not taking a single nap during the days. And when she tried, she would wake up screaming in pain.

And so last night, I decided to sleep on the couch with her. We co-sleep anyway – a post for another time – but I wanted to be closer to her. To nurse her through the night, knowing deep down this was likely the end of my nursing her.

It was not a decision I made lightly. In fact, I’m still on the fence about it all but deep, deep down I know this makes sense and it’s what is best for both of us. I know, after feeding her formula and watching her laugh through tummy time and then drifting off into a peaceful nap, that this is best.

I have only a few weeks left with her before I go back to work. I want to enjoy this time with her. I don’t want her in pain because I slip up or accidentally eat something that hurts her. I don’t want to spend the next few weeks on an elimination diet, only to find it doesn’t work, and to find myself completely consumed by this all and missing out on all the so many other special moments. The doctor also recommended that we make sure if we do plan to use formula that this one works (which I knew when we went back to work we would supplement anyway) before we put her in daycare. They weren’t yet sure if she would potentially need a prescription for formula.

So this morning at 10am was the last time I nursed her. To say my heart aches thinking about not getting to nurse her again is an understatement.

8 weeks we made it.

And for now, I pump and dump. Ironically, it turns out my supply is just fine, more than fine actually. Slowly I’ll have to lessen my supply.

I feed her a bottle of formula, and put a smile on my face and look her in the eyes and tell her how much I love her. That she is my world. That she is smart, and kind and perfect.

But it’s the worst heartbreak I have felt. Ever. It’s the hardest I have cried, well, ever. I sob while washing the bottles and plastic nipples.

I know in time I will feel better about my decision. I know I’m a good Mom and that I love this girl more than anything in this world – and no longer breastfeeding doesn’t change that.

But right now, I can’t help but still feel guilty. Still feel like I could always somehow do more. The breastfeeding Nazis everywhere don’t help that. Most of all I’m just sad. I’m mourning the end of this relationship. The first of many ways in which I experience heartbreak when it comes to her.

And so I want to end this post by saying. Please never judge a Mom for her decisions when it comes to breastfeeding. Breast is best is thrown around so much, but ultimately, whether by breast, expressed milk or formula, just remember you’re still feeding your child with love.

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I’m in a weird state of wanting and having so many things to write about – but somehow I just haven’t made the time. I have a feeling in a few weeks I may be writing a lot more again.

I’m currently 33 weeks and 2 days pregnant. Holy moly time flies when you’re pregnant. I’m officially in the getting uncomfortable stage. There are still moments/hours where I forget I’m pregnant (seriously, sometimes I feel so normal) but now there are more and more moments (usually at night) where I feel very much pregnant. I can’t always catch my breath, can’t get comfortable, piercing back pains (mid and upper back, not lower like I expected), hip pain, feeling super hungry then super full, and lots of tossing and turning at night.

I’m also sort of over all the pregnancy comments and advice at this point. I take it all in stride, and truthfully it’ll probably only get worse once I have a newborn but it’s funny how much and what people comment about. The amount of people who will negatively comment about what I choose to not eat/drink it so surprising (I guess I expected it the other way, people telling me not to eat or drink things versus questioning when I don’t). It’s funny because I know people who have gone on such restrictive diets – be in juice cleanses, paleo, whole30, whatever the case to lose weight (in a healthy or even not so healthy way) and choose not to eat things because it doesn’t make them feel good or impacts them in some way (the amount of dairy free, gluten-free, caffeine free, etc. friends I have has I swear doubled) – and yet when I say no, sorry, I’m not drinking any alcohol, no I’m not eating lunch meats, etc. it becomes almost an argument. “you really can’t have any? Would once really be that bad? Is this little bit of cheese really going to do anything?” It’s like…giving up some unpasteurized cheese, runny eggs, or a glass of wine for 9 months – is nothing compared to making sure this is a healthy baby that I don’t hurt in any way shape or form. More than ever I care about what I am putting into my body because it’s not just about me. At the same time too, I would never ever judge anyone for what they decide to do or not do when pregnant. I would never, ever forgive myself it anything happened as a result of that one time. If they comfortable doing something – it’s their body and their baby – it’s not something I would ever comment on! I mean… do you know how many nights in a row I have eaten rocky road ice cream? Maybe someone should comment on that, ha. 🙂

I have these moments where I feel so lucky, blessed and excited (borderline impatient) for this little girl to arrive. Then to be honest I am having more and more moments of fear. It’s so soon! I just can’t fathom how things will change. How the Husband and I will change, how it won’t just be “us” anymore, how it will impact Bentley, how tired I’ll be, if I’ll feel alone at all, what if I don’t feel the immediate connection with her and I’m not a “natural” mom? What if I completely feel lost and depressed by staying home for 14 weeks – and not working – something I have done since the age of 13 without break. What if I take out my tired/frustration/fears on the Husband and we totally crumble? What if all we can talk about – to each other and everyone else – is diapers and poop and babies?

Things with Bentley have been a little crazy over the past few weeks – but somehow I think it all worked out for the best. Long story short, we got a call two weeks or so ago that right after Bentley was dropped at his daycare, he bit another dog. Apparently a dog was jumping on him, the owner saw Bentley growl at the dog, the dog kept jumping on him and Bentley turned his head and bit the dog. He bit her right on the head so it caused an open gash and that dog had to go to the vet. Unfortunately, the daycare owner said he just can’t watch the dogs that closely – and that Bentley seems to want to be able to have personal space throughout the day at different times and since this is one open room for 30 dogs, that doesn’t work and unfortunately now that he has bitten another dog, he just isn’t allowed to return. In other words, my dog got expelled!

I had some immediate reactions when I got the call. First, like a failed parent, I felt embarrassed. Then upset. Then, and maybe I’m rationalizing it, a little annoyed. I mean he admitted to seeing Bentley show a warning sign – and still did not separate them. Then totally overwhelmed – we were about to go away to a wedding in Baltimore the week after, and where would he stay if not at his normal daycare? Then I took action, as fast as I could. First the Husband picked him up, and the owner reiterated the story – and apparently seemed sad about it since they like him and he’s been going there for a year now, but quickly we started realizing – maybe he doesn’t love it as much as we thought. And maybe a place with that many dogs and no personal space isn’t the best place for him anyway, especially with his aloof shepherd qualities. And so I quickly found an alternative for boarding – a place actually closer to us that my Aunt brings her two dogs (who would also be boarded at the same time since she and my uncle were coming to the same wedding). In the end Bentley had his own kennel and run, and was taken out twice a day to play with his Westie cousin dogs, and walked by the Mom and daughter who own the place. He got rave reviews and came home happy and exhausted.

In terms of a daycare – I think we are realizing – maybe he doesn’t need 3+ days of daycare a week. Instead, we have found a new place that he is doing a trial at today, also closer to home, where we can bring him if he likes it maybe 1x a week just to get his zoomies out and keep him socialized. I was completely honest with the woman about what happened at the previous daycare and so they will begin with “day boarding” – where he gets his own room, toys, and will be taken out on 5 short walks a day and will meet dogs one by one through a fence or in the play yard if they see it as a good fit. If he enjoys being around the other dogs, then he will join playtime with a maximum group of 7 dogs with the same temperament. All dogs have “nap/quiet time” in their own rooms from 12:30-2:30 which I think is a good break for him anyway. So we’ll see how it goes. Overall reducing his daycare will save us a couple hundred a month!

I have to admit, one of the best things about keeping him home – while it makes me feel bad that he sits in the house on my non WFH days from about 11am-6pm alone – is that the Husband and I are actually spending more quality time with him. He used to come home from daycare so utterly exhausted he would go up to the bed and sleep. Now we play more outside (he loves to sprint through the yard, but only if we are outside watching), we’re doing tricks and training again at night – lots of puzzles, he seems to enjoy being in the house more and is almost always by our sides, and he’s already being a bit more social with people when they come over. It only takes about 10-15 minutes of sprints outside to completely exhaust him, something I can easily do in the mornings before work and at night when I get home. To be honest, I forgot how much fun I have when we play and do training, and most of the time, he seems content to just be around us.

I’m going through a strange phase at work. One minute I’m pushing hard, focused, and getting so much done (I think preparing to be out) and then moments of pure impatience, frustration with little things, and just wanting to get to the point where I’m going out on leave. I know I will want to go out feeling like I got everything I could done, so I need to spend the next few weeks really focusing on work.

I’m also going through a phase where I really want to make an effort to make plans and spend time with friends and family while I can – but more specifically – positive people who also make an effort too. I’m sort of tired of trying so hard when it’s not reciprocated or leaving hangouts feeling negative or mentally exhausted and drained, especially when I have some new (well not new, but not my regular core group) making a good effort to see me. I have dinner with a handful of girlfriends this Wednesday, dinner with two old college friends who I don’t see often but one is about a month behind me in her pregnancy, on Thursday, a full day of brunch and my sister’s dance show on Saturday with my Mom, my Mother-in-law, Sister-in-law and two family friends, then mid next week dinner with my old boss and coworker. I’m also trying to keep some time free on weekends for organizing and cleaning in preparation of the baby. The Husband and I also have a full Saturday birthing class coming up, as well as a night where we tour/go through the practice triage process in the hospital, a friend’s birthday that I’m hoping to spend some time with her celebrating, my baby shower later this month (with a few college friends making it a big girls sleepover weekend – the highlight of my month!), and more. I think January is going to fly by!

Funny story, the Husband and I had a wedding down in Baltimore over New Year’s Eve. It was actually so fun, even at 8 months pregnant and sober, and I loved getting all the extra family time for the few days (with moments of course of I NEED SPACE). My cousin, who was the one getting married, actually shares a friend with B (yes, that B). Ironically, this friend and his wife are pregnant, so my cousin sat them at our table, also with my sister and cousins. Somehow they ended up sitting right next to the Husband. I didn’t actually put two and two together until halfway through dinner – and I never said anything to him or anyone about it. What is sort of funny about it though is that there were SO many glasses on the table (4 per person, plus any glasses people brought with their own drinks from the bar) so when the husband sat down at one point he hit a champagne glass that went flying and COVERED this guy (he might as well have thrown it directly in his face). He took it very nicely, and I could tell the Husband felt so bad (but at 230lbs, 6’3 and a regular bull in a china shop he just can’t be near that many glasses). I have no idea if he connected who I was, but hopefully he doesn’t think it was on purpose. Well, actually I don’t really care as I’ll never see them again. 😉

My dreams lately when I do sleep, are crazy. I think my fears and anxieties are coming into play in my sleep because I have had countless dreams of fighting with friends, including a fist fight with my best friend from home (which is hilarious to think about in real life because it would never, ever happen). A number of dreams and scenarios of the Husband either cheating on me (and me seeing it, ugh) or him not paying attention to me and me feeling really sad and alone. It doesn’t take much to see what my dreams are getting at, but man I wish they would stop. As it is I’m practically an insomniac at this point and when I do sleep, to wake up feeling like crap after a dream like that really isn’t fun.

Somehow over the Holiday time off the Husband and I watched 4 movies. Gone Girl, the Good Lie, the Equalizer and This is Where I leave You. I read Gone Girl so had been dying to see it, but as always the case, it just wasn’t as good as the book. I swear in the book they did a better job of making you hate them equally, while in the movie, you have far more hate towards the wife. The Husband also figured out the plot far earlier than I did in the book – be it his detective skills or the hints were just easier to pick up on. The Good Lie was a great movie, based off the Lost Boys from Sudan and it definitely made us remember how damn lucky we are in America and with what we have. The Equalizer was silly – the Husband liked it because it was Denzel and it was a revenge type of movie – it was predictable but entertaining. This is Where I Leave You was my favorite and just my type of movie. The kind that is a little dark, funny, makes you laugh/cry and sort of is just an honest look at regular life and being an adult.

I think from now on I may just write more. My posts may not be put together, grammatically correct, or even make any coherent sense – but I miss writing so much. I miss pouring out my thoughts, memories and experiences even if they are just for me to reread one day.

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18 Weeks

Ok seriously, second trimester is amazing. I don’t feel pregnant, and aside from my growing tummy – I feel absolutely great! I know I need to enjoy this before I hit the final few months!

Weight gained:
+3lbs or so (plus whatever I gained in the first 9 weeks that the doctor wasn’t tracking yet). I think around 7-8lbs total now. I honestly have stopped weighing myself or caring. I plan to eat healthy(ish) and intuitively and I’ll gain what I need to gain to have a healthy pregnancy.

Workouts:
Mostly walks. On our Cape vacation and since, I try to go for at least a 2 mile walk each day. It definitely helps to energize me.

Symptoms:
Honestly, I feel fantastic. So much so that I keep forgetting I’m pregnant – a lot of times I don’t feel pregnant (which is scary). The only symptoms that I really notice are:

Fatigue – by a certain point at night I get really tired. If I push past and stay up, that’s when I don’t feel well (11pm = headache, cramping, mood swings, etc.)

Bleeding gums – when I brush my teeth or eat an apple…

Stuffy nose – It’s not awful, but it’s definitely slightly stuffy all the time.

Hunger – my appetite is back and if I don’t eat consistently, I get pretty hungry, then a stomach-ache, then I start to feel sick.

Growing chest – went from my baby B cup to a full on C cup.

Food Aversions:
Not many really. I actually thought I would crave alcohol and certain foods this  past weekend while at a wedding with friends, but it’s sort of the opposite. For the most part my body doesn’t want what it shouldn’t have. The idea of runny eggs, beer, brie, and sushi make my stomach turn a bit.

Food Cravings:
Tuna salad with pickles and plain potato chips. Which is slightly annoying because I’m trying to limit my intake due to mercury contents.

Bagels with cream cheese.

Sleep:
I can’t get enough lately. I’m starting to have to get up once in a while during the night, but for the most part, I’m sleeping well. (However, I don’t sleep if I’m not sleeping home. For whatever reason, if I sleep elsewhere – hotel, friend’s house, whatever – I maybe sleep 2-3 hours total.) Plus lots and lots of super vivid (and sometimes creepy) dreams though. I’m getting to a point where waking up at 6amish is really hard (although once I’m up, I’m up).

Miss Anything?
My old wardrobe, haha. Seriously though, the new chest is a little frustrating because while I can wear most of my flowy shirts, they are starting to pull in the chest area in funky ways. Time for more maternity clothes.

Fun and/or Interesting Things from the Week:
I heard the baby’s heartbeat last Monday which is always wonderful.

Happy or moody most of the time:
Happy, so very happy. Well except if I’m up past 11pm then I’m just cranky.

New Baby Items:
So much nursery decor! My mom bought us the changing table, the cutest elephant lamp, elephant bedding, and a glider. My friend helped me to put up the birch tree decals on one of the walls and the Husband and I hung up the chevron curtains. It’s coming together!

Looking Forward To:
Our fetal anatomy scan – TODAY. Truthfully, yes, I’m so excited to find out the gender, but really, I just want to hear we have a healthy baby. I have this underlying worry that I know won’t go away until we hear that baby is healthy and a-OK.

The husband and I plan to ask for them to write it in an envelope so that we can find out together privately. Then we are inviting our parents and siblings over on Sunday for a gender reveal party. I’m so excited.

I think for me, I want to connect more with the baby. Right now, even though I couldn’t be happier to be pregnant, I don’t really believe it. I don’t feel like there’s a baby inside me. Somehow I just know, by knowing the gender, and calling baby by his/her name (secretly since we aren’t telling names!) will just help me connect more.

I have to also say… finding out the gender today will be the biggest surprise of my life. For 18 weeks I have wondered what baby is, but I honest to God have no idea. It will be the most real surprise I’ll ever have. If I had to guess, even though all along mostly everyone, including myself, thought boy – I’m oddly leaning towards girl now? We shall see!

 

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My biggest fear was that time would pass so slowly during the first trimester. While the days can sometimes feel long, the weeks are flying by. I don’t know if it’s the combination of just being so busy – between buying the house, work and so many social activities – or if this is just normal.

On Monday at just over 9 weeks we had our second ultrasound and it was probably the most incredible thing I have ever seen. Actually hearing that fast little heart beat – nothing compares. It’s the most amazing and magical thing. I still can’t believe it’s all real, and I’m just feeling so weepy and blessed since. I mean WE’RE HAVING A BABY!

Anyway…

Weight gained:
-1lb since last weigh-in, so about 3-4lbs overall. Pretty sure it’s still constipation unfortunately. In the morning my pants fit, by evening they are too tight, then back to fitting – all depending on the time of day!

Workouts:
Lots of walking around, packing and cleaning. I’m counting it because seriously, by evening time I’m usually taking a nap I’m so drained.

Symptoms:
“Morning sickness” for me is really night sickness. It seems that like clockwork around 4:00pm each day I start to feel extra queasy, tired, and SO irritable. It’s almost comical how I go from feeling sort of OK to a crazy person. I’m trying to just take it easy in the evenings as much as I can, and I’m thankful I’m at least productive at work but I’m looking forward to getting past this one.

I hope this isn’t a new symptom but lately, I fall dead asleep around 10pmish then BAM around 1-3am I wake up…and I can’t fall back asleep. I spent 3 hours awake the last few nights watching crappy tv and trying to get tired and it was so frustrating.

Oh and I’m weepy as hell. Pretty much any commercial, conversation, or song about love, babies, animals – you can expect tears. And not like a few tears, I’m talking choking sobs.

Food Aversions:
Up until yesterday I was not loving food. It was really frustrating because if I don’t eat I get nauseous but most things sounded yucky and if I cook it, I will not eat it. I don’t want meat, eggs, really anything…

I also haven’t even had decaf coffee, I think I want it then I grab some and I can’t drink it.

As of this morning, (please don’t jinx myself) I am sort of feeling more like myself. Energized, not overly queasy, and happy. I ate a bowl of raisin bran with banana happily, and I’m just crossing my fingers the nausea peaked and it’s on its way out.

Food Cravings:
Finally I’m having a few very intense cravings:
Peaches and plums. I had a peach yesterday and it was the best thing I have had in a while and I plan on going back and buying a dozen more.
Burger King Chicken Sandwiches. I wish this wasn’t true, but for a few days it was the ONLY thing I wanted. I finally caved and had one and omg, it was unbelievable. It’s taking all my willpower not to get another.
Chocolate milk. Finally had some yesterday and it was amazing and the easiest way for me to get my daily milk in when I’m not feeling cereal.
Tuna sandwiches with plain potato chips. My doctor said it’s OK to do one can or packet a week (max) so I plan on having one today.

Sleep:
Naps, insomnia, fatigue – it goes in circles.

Miss Anything?
Same as always – turkey sandwich and coffee (or the act of drinking coffee if that makes sense).

Fun and/or Interesting Things from the Week:
We announced! After our last ultrasound the doctor confirmed that our risk of miscarriage is as low as it’s going to get and nothing magically changes or reduces that risk between now and second tri so to go ahead and announce. Ahhh, it was SO MUCH FUN to finally tell everyone and hear reactions and just be open about it. Now I can be honest about how I’m feeling and all these things going on in my head!

Happy or moody most of the time:
If I’m being honest, I’m mostly sort of moody, especially at night. I know it’s hormones and fatigue, so I’m just trying to give myself a break and stay positive. Today I feel really positive, excited and happy!

New Baby Items:
Books! What to expect when you’re expecting, and What to expect in the first year.

Looking Forward To:
Finding out the gender. While we will be so happy with either (we truly just want a healthy baby) I can’t stop trying to guess. Right now, Husband thinks it’s a boy (I think he secretly prefers a boy, or really, he’s just terrified of having a girl and having to deal with boyfriends, haha) and my older sister thinks it’s a boy. My best friend from home thinks it’s a girl. I really don’t know. Part of me thinks it’s a boy (because of my dream, and the lack of other symptoms) but then deep down I’m wondering if it’s a girl (since I come from a family of a lot of girls). We will actually find out on the Husband’s 30th birthday, September 26th.

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6 and 7 weeks

I keep meaning to write but with so much going on I just keep losing track of time. Anyway, I wanted to capture the last two weeks, but warning, TMI alert!

Weight gained:
5lbs. Boo, but my midwife assured me it’s constipation at this point.

Workouts:
Still hardly any with the exception of walks. I really want to incorporate exercise back in but between work being insane, closing on the house, and social activities…I’m so drained!

Symptoms:
Early last week I woke up in the middle of the night to projectile vomit and spent the full day after extremely nauseous. Surprisingly it went away, and since then I sometimes feel queasy, but I thank my lucky stars there hasn’t been any more puking.

Otherwise…bleeding gums, cramps, itchy nipples, very light brown spotting (confirmed as leftover implantation bleeding), feeling full after hardly eating anything, crazy gas pains and constipation… pregnancy makes you feel *awesome*

But I will say, my skin is completely clear – not a blemish!

Food Aversions:
Pretty much everything. This is always when I realize that I am in fact still queasy because nothing sounds appealing, even when I’m starving.

Food Cravings:
Carb city! Bagels, mozzarella sticks, and toast with peanut butter.

Sleep:
For the most part, sleep has been fantastic. I’m sleeping 7-8 hours a night, and sleeping soundly. Mmm, sleep.

Miss Anything?
Deli turkey. I can’t stop thinking about having a deli turkey, provolone, shredded lettuce and mayo sandwich on a bulky hard roll. Lunch is the hardest meal of the day by far.

Fun and/or Interesting Things from the Week:
Towards the end of last week we had our first ultrasound at 6 weeks and 5 days! We saw our little nugget and his/her fetal heart rate is 135bpm! Apparently all looks good so this really has helped put our minds at ease.

Then at 7 weeks 1 day I had my first prenatal appointment with my midwife. She is so wonderful. We talked for almost 1.5 hours and she reviewed all the can and can’t dos along with questions/concerns/next steps. We did all my blood work (all good) and she confirmed my uterus has basically doubled in size.

 

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Fetal heart rate of 135bpm

Happy or moody most of the time:
While I am still so incredibly happy and blessed (and feeling lucky because I could be feeling so much worse), it seems that after 5pm my energy plummets and the more I have to do the more irritable I get. After a 12 hour day on Tuesday (when we closed) and endless running around, I was so cranky and mean to the husband – but it felt so uncontrollable. I’ve never felt so drained, mentally and physically before.

New Baby Items:
A nursery! Nothing is in it, but now that we bought a house, we have a designated nursery! I already have the theme and color scheme picked out…

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Looking Forward To:
Our 9 week ultrasound on July 21st and hearing everything is ok and then TELLING PEOPLE! My midwife seemed to think it was safe to tell people after that ultrasound (if we felt comfortable) so I think we may tell a few more people (family and friends) and then we’ll “announce” it at closer to 12 weeks.

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5 Weeks

On Sunday I successfully hit 5 weeks. It’s still so early, but I really want to try to post updates since I know at some point I’ll want to look back at all of this.

Weight gained:
Zero. I feel bloated and swollen already – so much so that at times I unbutton my pants, but so far no actual weight gain. It’s funny, I’m far less concerned with the weight gain than I ever thought I would be (but then it’s still early). I want to have a healthy pregnancy, and therefore I don’t plan on eating everything in sight, but at the same time – I’m growing a human and I’m going to gain weight! I’ll take growing a human any day over worrying about the damn weight gain.

Workouts:
Sadly, just a few walks. I got really anxious in the early stages of my pregnancy and took a step back from exercising (note: Google is not your friend in early pregnancy). Until I have my first ultrasound I may skip my vigorous Flywheel classes and moving my whole schedule around to get workouts in. So far I’ve been going on regular 2 mile hikes with Bentley and more than anything, I’d love to get swimming back into my weekly routine.

Symptoms:
Very mild cramping on and off since I got my positive. Last Thursday I woke up with a horrific head cold out of nowhere, and it’s still lingering around causing me to have no voice at times. I also have had an increase in headaches (seems to happen easily if I’m dehydrated or have too much sodium). Otherwise, truthfully, I feel great right now and I’m trying to take advantage of that before fatigue and morning sickness potentially hit.

Food Aversions:
None really. Sometimes things are starting to smell sort of funny or strong.

Food Cravings:
I consistently want steak with A1 sauce, sweet potatoes and corn chex with cold skim milk. This could just be me wanting these things though. It seems overall I am definitely wanting more salty/food items versus desserts which is interesting.

Sleep:
Between week 3 and 4 I was not sleeping. I had pretty bad insomnia and it was brutal. Now I am sleeping really deeply and well, with the exception of sometimes waking up with cramps or having to pee.

Miss Anything?
Coffee, oh coffee – I.miss.you. I’m still having decaf and once in a while a small (or small half caf half decaf) but man do I miss grabbing a venti blonde roast from Starbucks and the chatty energy it gave me! There’s just something so comforting about sipping on a giant coffee while working, or driving around doing errands on a Saturday morning.

Otherwise not missing too much. Once I thought about not being able to have things I craved a glass of white wine and sushi, but really I’m OK without right now.

The only other thing is I feel sort of like I’m missing is that I’m hiding a bit from certain friends and scenarios because I’m just not ready to tell the world. I miss being honest!

Fun and/or Interesting Things from the Week:
I got to have blood work done which for me was fun because it gave me confirmation my hormone levels are rising nicely. Also, since my first pre-natal appointment wasn’t originally scheduled until July 7th and I would not be getting an ultrasound done at that one, my wonderful doctor offered to set up one for me earlier on July 3rd. I think once I hear the heart beat this will all feel real.

Also, the Husband and I officially picked names – we agreed upon the boy name and the girl name – and we also decided… we aren’t telling anyone! It’s nice to feel like we have one secret together.

Happy or moody most of the time:
Mostly happy overall, but definitely moments of irritability and overreacting (compared to how I normally react). I swear I have waves of rage that seem to come out of nowhere and then minutes later I am fine and feel like it was a crazy person. I have definitely also had a few instances of laughing then crying then laughing again. Overall though, I just feel so beyond blessed, happy and excited.

New Baby Items:
Aside from the ASU onesie I used to tell the Husband, none. I think we plan on waiting until after our first ultrasound and the house closing before we get anything baby related.

Looking Forward To:
Oh my – so much! I’m trying to take it one day at a time but in no particular order just a few things I’m looking forward to:
-Hearing the baby’s heart beat (and seeing the blueberry sized baby)
-Telling the world! We aren’t telling until mid-August when I’m between 12-14 weeks so the wait is killing us
-Buying pregnancy/baby related books
-Buying maternity wear (Yes, I am actually excited for this, ha)
-Finding out the gender (Yes, we are 100% finding out. I don’t like surprises.)

 

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