Random Friday thoughts

Tuesday afternoon I treated myself to a prenatal massage. I was a little nervous not knowing exactly what to expect and if it would be comfortable or not and was surprised to see that I was still lying face down for the first part – just on top of a bunch of pillows with a sort of belly area in the middle. The first half of the massage was pretty good, although without her being able to put pressure on my lower back (where my pain is right now) it was less pain/muscle soreness reducing and more relaxing. About 20 minutes in, I was practically in a sleep state when I felt the softest flutter in my stomach. The only way to explain it is like butterfly wings moving down the inside my stomach for just a second. In my head I immediately thought, oh my God I feel the baby, but seeing as this is my first, wasn’t really sure. The massage continued on, and while I love a good massage, I’ll be honest and say I’m not sure it was worth the money in the end. Anyway, last night as I was going to bed, about 20 minutes after trying to fall asleep and just lying there, the flutter happened again. Just once, and so softly, but I swear I felt it. I don’t think I have felt it since though…

Tuesday night while Husband and I were grilling dinner (buying that grill has been the best purchase ever) I was playing with Bentley. At one point I had a stick in my hand and was pretending to throw it so he was running while looking at me and BAM into the deep end (10 feet deep) of the pool he fell. Now I know what everyone is thinking – dogs can swim – all dogs can swim – but I swear mine can’t. We have tried to get him to slowly go into ponds, oceans, etc. and he’ll wade but whenever he gets deep he sort of panics and thrashes versus swimming. So he fell in and I immediately went over to see him bobbing under and above water with his butt and back legs completely sinking. I pulled him out and he shook himself off and then went playing along and…I cried. He’s shown no interest in the pool but the idea of him falling in really freaks me out. The next warm day I’m taking a page from Caesar Milan and getting in the pool with him and showing him how to get out via the steps at the shallow end. Last night he kept trying to get out of the side but the water isn’t high enough, and I worry after 10 minutes of that … who knows.

I’m loving our house. I still don’t quite feel settled or unpacked by any means, but the progress between the renovations being done and the painting is amazing.

I’m ridiculously into the show Big Brother. It’s a show that has apparently been on for like 10+ years and I have never once watched an episode until this year and somehow I found myself hooked. It’s so stupid and silly and yet… it’s the one summer show I’m watching.

When we got married and got all our wedding presents, aside from gifts cards, rather than take them to our apartment at the time, we kept them at my in-laws. We have just started bringing them all over to our house and OMG it’s like Christmas! All new dishes, pots, pans, grill set, pillows, and more.

Tall decaf non-fat cappuccino with one pump cinnamon dulce…oh my word delicious. My new favorite drink that I can pretend is caffeinated.

I am finally starting to feel like a human again. Happy, energized, excited, and (mostly) non-nauseated!

90’s on 9 (satellite radio) or Spotify best of the 90’s playlist = sure fire way to find me singing and dancing as I apparently know the lyrics of every damn 90’s song.

This is my first weekend in months that I am home, I have minimal plans (aside from a shopping date with a friend and my first haircut in 7 months). TGIF.

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A good week

This has been a tough work week. Long, long hours –and a lot of feeling like I can’t do anything right. I was trying hard to get good sleep too, only to be woken up by Bentley every few hours. He’s had a strange few nights this week where all he wanted to do was sleep in our bed even though he normally loves his crate. For two nights we allowed it because we didn’t want to hear his whining, and never should have – I hardly slept that little bed hog– and then he thought it could be the norm – so much so that when it was bedtime he would run upstairs ahead of us and jump on the bed and pretend to be asleep…I kid you not. I ended up letting him whine it out at 3am last night for about 10 minutes before he fell back asleep in his crate. We plan to be careful about allowing him in our bed because there’s no way all 3 of us will be sleeping there nightly.

Anyway, you know what has been keeping me sane? My workouts and eating healthier. I’m not just saying that, I mean it 100%. I’ve been following my training plan and tracking my eats (and portions) in MyFitnessPal.

I’m also currently taking part in a DietBet with Chris Powell and his wife that started this past weekend. The whole concept is interesting, but one that speaks to my wanting to win, socially motivated and loving free money self. Essentially you put in $30 and your goal is to lose 4% of your weight in 4 weeks. If you lose your 4% target, you’re guaranteed to get your $30 at a minimum back. In this case, the pot is $116,490 among 3,885. Now it’s unlikely (and unheard of) that everyone who enters actually loses their 4% target, meaning those of us who do, get to split their money. Usually they say you get anywhere from 1.5x to 2x your initial buy-in. Either way it has seriously kept me motivated and made me think twice before grabbing a pre-bed treat.

As for my workouts this week? I’ve hit them all so far! I’ve switched around the days slightly (I decided to use yesterday as my off day instead of Saturday since I worked out Sunday – Wednesday and my legs just felt dead). Even with losing an hour of sleep (painful) I pushed myself to get in a few workouts before work, and still hit my other workouts after work.

…yes AM.

I can’t believe how much better I feel after only a week. I feel better in my clothes, I feel more energized, I feel excited about training and most of all, I feel more sane.

It’s been a really good week…and a great deal that I made with Becelisa. 😉

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Things I have learned about myself from having a dog, and somehow I imagine will come into play when we have a baby

A few weeks ago, I was sitting at home with my recently neutered and in pain puppy, and I found myself looking at Bentley and thinking about all the little things that I have learned in under 6 months of having him.

I’m a worrier.
I’ve always known that I am a silent worrier, but being responsible for a life, has amplified that trait. I find myself being ridiculous and sometimes checking on Bentley while he naps, just to make sure I can see his belly go up and down and know he is breathing.

When they hurt, you hurt.
Bentley’s neutering procedure wasn’t quite standard. He had only one ball descend, which meant our vet ended up having to fish his second (and apparently larger) ball out of his abdomen. He was shaved and stitched and not allowed on long walks or day care for a minimum of 10 days, all without the help of any drugs. He was moping around, whining, and looking rather helpless in his inflatable cone. If it was someone else’s picture I’d laugh, and yet I would have done anything to make him happy and healthy again.

I know it’s quality time over quantity, but it is and it will be a struggle.
I have come to realize that doggy day care on week days is the best thing for the whole family. Bentley gets to play with other dogs, I’m at work and I pick him up after tired and happy. And yet, I can’t stop feeling guilty when I need my own time, and have to ask for help outside of work hours.

Everyone makes mistakes.
There are a 1,000 different schools of thought around raising a dog. For a few weeks we were following advice from a german shepherd site, which pretty much seemed to blame puppies for trying to be dominant and forceful ways to clearly make yourself known as the alpha. The whole way of training made me uncomfortable and so we brought in a behaviorist. In meeting with that behaviorist for 30 minutes we realized how quickly Bentley responded to positive reinforcement and training, and how wrong we had been doing it. We still feel guilty about those first few weeks, but have learned that everyone makes mistakes, it’s forgotten quickly, and what we have done consistently for the last 5 months is more important.

I’m still not a patient person.
I’ve never been a patient person, and having a puppy didn’t magically make me one. It’s an effort to stay calm, and it’s constant work to not get frustrated or mad, and sometimes I lose it. I’ve had to learn, slowly, to become more patient, but I didn’t magically become this naturally patient person just by getting a puppy.

The Husband, while he tries to be secretive and nonchalant about it, has fully committed to being a good dad.
I still laugh knowing that the first day we took Bentley to daycare the Husband “just happened to get a sandwich from the place next door to the daycare, and just happened to go visit Bentley playing outside and watch him for a few”. Or that the day Bentley ran from the dog walker and was lost on his hike, the Husband immediately left work and headed towards the mountain to help find him. Bentley was found before he got there, but it was sweet to realize that he reacted quickly with his heart.

I am, and probably will always be, a cheesy proud Mama.
Bentley excels at training, he is incredibly well-behaved, especially whenever we hike off leash, people always comment on how good-looking he is, and damn – it just makes me so proud. I can’t help but brag about him.

My God, they are expensive, even more so when you’re not good at managing money.
The Husband and I are aren’t horrible, but we’re not fantastic with money. Even though together we make a lot, we spend quite a bit too. Between the necessities, the vet trips, the vet er, and the non-necessities (where we could have and still could cut back) of healthy treats, dog beds, toys, day care, dog walker, training classes, galore – this pup has easily already cost us in the thousands. We knew having a pup would be expensive, but we are quickly learning he will be just as happy if we spend a little less.

Sometimes they need you, more so than they want you.
The truth is, there are days where Bentley just needs us, more than he wants us. Sure he loves us, and seems happy with us, but there are definitely days where I think he’d take hanging with his dog friends over us but needs us for shelter and food. I’ve learned to become OK with that.

There will be moments, quiet and special moments, that will erase the bad right out of your mind.
The reason I have become ok with the above is that there truly are moments that take away all of those tough times. When he burrows into me, or follows the Husband around, or comes over and places his head on my leg and falls asleep, or just sits in front of us and gives us that big goofy smile – those moments, make it all – the hard work, the money, the tough times – so worth it.

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Documenting the good (and the strange)

I’ve said it before, but I have a tendency to write a lot more when I’m in a negative or confused place. I wanted to be sure to document some things from the past two weeks because really, life has been good!

The Husband and I watched episodes 1-7 of True Detective on Sunday. Yes 7 (1 hour) episodes straight. To say we can’t wait for the finale this weekend is an understatement. That show is strange and so damn addicting. Watch it.

We took Bentley on an hour hike together on Sunday, the Husband’s idea, and it was so nice to spend time just the three of us outside, even though it was cold and icy. Bentley was so well behaved…that is until he ran up and grabbed something off the ground. We went to pull it out of his mouth and out came what looked like a dirty baby wipe. We both said to each other, no that must be mud on that wipe. Mind you, we were hiking in a really nice, wealthy, reservation area. A few hundred yards later we spotted a pair of torn boxers, covered in shit, with a bunch of used baby wipes next to them. We spent the rest of the walk hands out, gagging, just wanting to get home and sanitize ourselves.

The weekend before this last one, I bought a new car! Well, I traded my 12-year-old Honda in for a 2014 Jeep Patriot lease. I know a lot of people didn’t understand, but it was oddly emotional saying goodbye to that car. It was MY first ever car, and it is tied to so many memories. However, driving around in a nice new car, that I’m not worried will break down or get stuck in a snow bank, is pretty sweet. 🙂

This actual past weekend we had friends from college come out, with their 7 month old baby. I swear I have never seen such a happy, easy-going baby. It definitely didn’t help my baby fever and I actually think it sparked it a bit more in the Husband. We still plan to wait until after my half-ironman (at earliest).

I was so happy to see Bentley’s reaction to having a baby in the house. He was curious, sweet (kept wanting to lick his feet) and oddly calm –at one point I was holding the baby, sitting in the dog bed and Bentley came over, sat down and put his head on my leg. It was one of those moments looking at the baby sitting on my left leg, and the puppy resting on my right leg that I felt, this is pure happiness, and the Husband and I will have this one day. Granted, the baby was in our house for only a few hours, so we still plan to have the behaviorist come and help us prepare him and all that jazz, but I’m still relieved.

Speaking of Bentley, he is back in daycare/going on long walks after being neutered. Life feels far less hectic now that Bentley is more tired, and we actually have more time to have lives.

Our wedding schedule this year keeps getting crazier. We now have the following weddings: July 26th, (August 30th got cancelled (well they decided to make it a family only wedding), yay!), September 20th, October TBD [friends moving home from England having their American reception], November 1st, and December 31st. Plus showers and bachelorettes for all. No more please.

I’m trying really hard to pull myself out of this half-ironman funk. Let’s see if I were to be completely honest… I’m doubting myself. Flat-out doubting myself. So much so that I thought, hmm I could just get pregnant now and not do it. But I don’t want that. I also know, deep down, if I don’t do this now – it will be one of, if not my biggest, regret to date. I think that the best athletes are consistent. For the next few months all I want to do is consistently get these workouts in, no matter the pace. Just get them in. It’s true, I honest to God just want to finish – that’s my only goal!

I went to bed at 9:45pm last night – that’s the earliest in a long time. I was up at 5:40am thinking I was still tired but after my train ride and completing my 45 minute run class – I felt, and still feel, fantastic. The power of sleep…and coffee!

I am so, so, so over the cold weather. I like winter and I love snow, but it’s March. I need sunny mid 50’s now not 20’s with wind chills down to single digits. This weather makes me just want to get home, bundle under covers, lay on the couch, eat hearty meals and watch TV. After doing that since December, it’s time for a change. I never thought weather would affect me this much, but it’s really draining me.

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My furry Valentine

My first valentine is my Husband of course. But this year, for the first time, I have a valentine in fur form.

My Dearest Bentley. I never knew I could be so attached, and have such deep love, for a dog.

At almost a week away from 7 months Bentley is, well a combination of things. Smart yet sassy. Loving yet aloof. Confident yet fearful. Courageous yet stubborn.

He is a contradiction. Just like his Momma. And just like his Daddy. 🙂

Bentley is incredibly smart. And I don’t say that just as a proud mama I say that as a witness to watching him take in everything around him and then take action. To knowing my morning routine so that when I walk into the guest bedroom that means he runs upstairs to get away from the hairdryer that he knows is coming. Or that at the end of his well-behaved 1 hour off leash hike in the woods with the dog walker yesterday, he noticed the cue for getting leashed back up to leave and instead decided… no the hike is not over. One hour later he returned, happy as a clam, to the entrance of the park when he decided the walk was over. Only 1 hour of waiting for news, sick to my stomach and holding back tears at work.

Bentley is a great listener and understands what you want him to do. Last night was the last Good Manners class and he completed it with flying colors. As long as he knows something is in it for him – treats and praise – he’ll do anything you ask. Sit, down, up, off, stand, recall, leave it, whatever it may be. So good in fact the behaviorist who runs the class recommended he move on to CGC (Canine Good Citizen) prep to get certified. And yet…he knew a few weeks ago he should not grab and swallow my thong. But he knew I wasn’t looking closely enough until the last-minute, and therefore decided it was what he wanted to do. Or sometimes when we ask him to go into down, he will bend one leg and look at us, as if to trick us, then when he doesn’t get the treat, he’ll bend the next, and look up again. Until finally, he fully gets into down and sighs as if we have asked him to do so much!

Bentley is aloof. He isn’t one to run up to strangers and ask for pets or lick them. He doesn’t dislike people, he just doesn’t really care about them. And yet there are these moments, that it just feels like he is finding his own way to say, “I love you” to us. When I’m sitting on the couch and he jumps up and wiggles his way to snuggle into me. Or when driving, if he’s not wearing his seat belt he will jump to the front, lay down and rest his head on my hand that’s resting on the arm rest. Or in the morning now, after he first goes out to go potty, he runs back upstairs and excitedly jumps on to the bed knowing the hubby and I like to spend another 30 minutes to an hour there. He’ll slowly squeeze his way between us and spread out, so his back is against one of us, and his paws against the other. Or when the Husband got into his accident, Bentley followed him around, attached to his leg for the entire day and night. Not trying to play, just standing by his side. Or when out of stress, feeling overwhelmed with work and maybe giving a little too much, I cried on the couch the other night. No sobs or anything, just a few tears. But as I sat there Bentley jumped up with his antler, put his antler in my lap, and leaned his head to rest on my shoulder. And we just sat there quietly for a few special seconds.

Bentley is confident. New places and new dogs are his favorite to experience. He absolutely loves, loves, loves seeing and playing with any dog he can. He has a serious case of FOMO, and if other dogs are playing and we can’t for whatever reason, he will sit down and whine. And yet, maybe blame it on the fear imprint stage, but when a zipper is closed, a dish thrown in the sink, a motorcycle drives by we end up with the dog shakes and he runs up to his crate, tail between his legs, in a total meltdown.

Bentley has been the most positive, and healing force in our marriage. I can’t explain it, but we’ve become this team, and this little family. We had a tough first year of marriage – full of transition and truthfully a lot of fighting and growing. Somehow, all of that little shit we used to argue over doesn’t matter anymore now that we have Bentley. We don’t have time for it. We enjoy spending time all together, watching his antics, getting involved in training, hiking all together and figuring out how to give him the happiest life we can. In addition to time as a family, we make sure now we get out and have date nights, away from it all.

We rescued this little nugget at 10 weeks old and months later, he’s truly rescued us.

Happy almost Valentine’s Day to my favorite fur baby. I love you my dearest Bentley.

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If I told you exactly what’s on my mind…

I’m thinking an alien abducted my well-trained, confident almost 6 month old puppy. He has been replaced by a spastic, terrified of everything (well not everything, just ridiculous things like me going into the bathroom, or the dishwasher opening, or someone he can’t see talking), he seems to have lost his hearing and decides when to listen, he barks out of nowhere, at nothing. I am hoping our second round of classes, Good Manners, will help us get through this phase. Or maybe it’s time to do a little snipping…

I’m feeling slightly guilty, still, about taking Bentley to daycare 1-2 days a week. Today I dropped him for a half day, to help get his zoomies out while I work from home and focus on what needs to get done. So far he seems to love going, and I know it’s a benefit to both of us, but I have this lingering guilt that I’m losing bonding time and taking the easy way out. I think I feel worse because…it’s nice to have a break and somehow that makes me feel awful, as if I don’t love him and it’s not that at all.

I’m sort of dreading my new Tokyo project after only a week of going at it so far. To say I have no idea what I’m doing is an understatement. I also didn’t realize how having a work call at 8pm (after starting the day with 9am meetings) feels like long one work day bleeding into the next work day. In addition, I have to work 24/7 the weekend of the actual move and right now it’s slated for late July/early August … exactly when I have a wedding, two wedding showers and two wedding bachelorettes – all of which are good friends and I know would be made a big deal if I miss. Which of course already conflicts with my best friend from homes 30th birthday, ugh. My anxiety and fear over all those activities is pretty much at an all-time high right now.

I’m loving MyFitnessPal app. I used it once a few years back and thought it wasn’t that great but lately I’ve been using it to get a better idea of what I’m eating and how to keep my portions under control while working out. The app has every food imaginable and it’s been awesome in making me realize where my eating goes overboard. Hello stress eating!

I’m feeling disappointed in myself in regards to my half-ironman training. For some reason I thought I would be flooded with motivation and yet I have fleeting moments, but it’s not sticking. I don’t know if I’m letting everything else get in the way, or if my heart just isn’t in it yet, but I’ve missed workouts and I haven’t given my all, at all. I have time, just over 5 months to be exact but it’s really important that I build my base back up.

I will admit that I need to get my workouts in in the morning. It’s the only time now that is a sure thing, with 600 plans/errands/responsibilities/work that comes up post 6pm. So starting next week I might have to force myself to rethink my schedule and get my butt up. Once my workout is done in the morning I always feel so much happier too.

I’ll also admit that I haven’t written much because every time I do write, all of the above comes flooding out and I sound so negative and so not me. That’s not who I want to be or how I want to feel in 2014.

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High – Low

High:
Using an extra vacation day on Friday to have a full day off from work. Spent the morning shopping and looking for Christmas decorations.

Low:
Not finding any “non-tacky but still cheap” Christmas decorations.

High:
Beautiful snow filled hikes and walks with my puppy.

Q Don’t eat the yellow snow

Low:
My once sweet little puppy has turned into a rebellious, marking, biting a hole in the wall, chewing on my thongs,all the sudden humping monster.

The art of deception

High:
Spending most of Saturday with my 3 girlfriends celebrating one of their recent engagements. I think we sat in the restaurant sipping champagne, coffee, and eating delicious french toast for almost 4 hours.

Low:
Coming home all excited to get snowed in so I had the excuse to do nothing but watch a movie. Realizing TV and recent “just in” movies all suck. Spend $4.99 on Mortal Instruments and cringe at the fake cheesiness for two hours.

High:
Waking up to over a foot of magical, beautiful white snow from the nor’easter.

Low:
Having to cancel my massage day with a friend because of the weather.

High:
Cleaning, actually meal planning, and grocery shopping to get prepared for the week ahead.

Low:
Realizing after all of that, all I want for dinner is an instant lunch soup and a cup of cocoa with marshmallows. The last time I had one of these soups was after a drunken freshman night in college.

High:
Talking with my Ironman half coach and getting my first week’s plan training starting tomorrow!

Low:
Realizing that day one is an hour and a half workout. 30 min swim and 60 min bike. Feeling slight doubts that I can do this…

High:
Loving the snow, and loving it even more since I didn’t even have to shovel. My landlord’s cousin came with his plow and shovel and did our entire driveway and walkway.

Low:
The layer of wet snow it left has turned to complete ice and I’ve almost fallen 18 times.

This past weekend really has been wonderful. The highs by far outweighed these silly lows. The only real low is that I miss my husband and I’m so excited he’s home tomorrow! Oh…and the puppy humping thing is a real low too…traumatizing. 

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