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Posts Tagged ‘change’

Last night I dreamt of B. Yeah, that B. Oddly I don’t remember the dream, I just know I woke up feeling a deep sadness.

I can’t really remember the last time I talked to him. I know it’s been over 2 years now since an actual conversation. Almost a full year since even a polite “happy birthday” text.

The feeling I woke up with was more nostalgia I guess than sadness. At times I miss how simple life felt back then, and with B. Get in the car and drive to Maine for the weekend. Hop a flight to Canada or Ireland. Meet after work for dinner in the city and stay up until 1am having deep conversations. Jam pack one long date day from 7am coffee and breakfast on until 11pm bedtime.

But the truth is, it’s not B who I miss. Because when I really remember how I felt back then it was… unsure. Anxious. This feeling of skating on thin ice, always. Deep down I knew very early on, that B didn’t want to get married and have kids. Yet, we connected deeply on many other levels, but never on our main values. So we continued on, happily at times, but always I knew – if and when I brought up that someday I wanted those things, he’d let me go. And eventually I did bring them up, and immediately, he let me go.

The more I’ve thought about it this morning, the more I realize that the nostalgia for those times is because life lately, and in the past year has just felt so busy. Sure sometimes it’s busy with really fun and great things. And sometimes it’s busy with crap that I don’t want to do. Lately I feel more and more like my time is less my time, and more time to meet obligations.

Part of it is perspective. Part of its changed priorities. Part of it is getting older, and becoming more established – in my marriage, career, with friends and family. Starting a family, even if that just means adopting Bentley.

Looking back, when I was with B I was working a job versus a career. I was finishing up my masters. I was 24 years old and everything felt exciting and fun and nothing felt that serious. Everything was about change, and it was supposed to be.

Now, money and savings are far more important. Trying to buy or build a house is a priority. Taking care of a puppy is a serious responsibility. Work isn’t just a 9-5, I’m frequently having 12 hour days. Marriage takes work, compromise and time… time that somehow keeps slipping away. I don’t see the Husband during the week anymore. We get to sleep together (which I love) but he usually gets home after 10pm. So we have weekends.

But weekends, oh the weekends. They are full of seeing this person or that person visiting, or this baby shower, or that wedding shower, or this wedding, or that 30th birthday. Sometimes the Husband can come along, but many times he can’t.

Oh and training. Fitting in training. 3+ hour bike rides on the weekend too.

Jeez, I need to snap out of this funk today.

Nothing changes if nothing changes…

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Last week I returned to work on Monday. On Monday evening I got a call from my younger sister that she was headed to the ER. 26 hours later, I took her home, without her appendix. It was a long night and following day – with little sleep, another missed day of work, and many crazy emotions.

To say I felt overwhelmed last week is an understatement. It was a hurricane of emotions – exhaustion, worry,  stress about family stuff, stress about work, stress about moving, stress about the upcoming Atlantic City bachelorette, stress about it all. On top of it, I had another urinary tract infection – leaving me uncomfortable and in pain.

But on Thursday, we went and got our keys to our new place and did a quick walk through. Sure it’s not as updated as our current place, but I just have this good feeling about it. It’s a happy place, An easy, cozy, sunny place.

And the weekend ended up being a ton of fun. Too much fun actually. I spent Sunday morning hugging the toilet. Apparently, having not had more than one glass of wine for months, and then having quite a few shots and vodka drinks meant my body hating me all yesterday. Getting into the car for the two-hour drive, then onto my flight back to Boston was about as miserable as it could get. Talk about reminding myself why I normally stick to 1-2 drinks.

Today, I’m working from home. I’m getting ready to start packing tonight. We’re headed over to do a quick clean of our new apartment. And tomorrow I took off. I’ll be finishing the packing before heading into work on Wednesday. Wednesday morning will be the last time I commute in from my current place. Wednesday evening I’ll be heading home to my new place. NEW PLACE!

I can’t wait.

This morning feels almost Fall like. Sunny, breezy, and mid-60’s. Something about it feels so fresh, and goes so well with the fresh start of our new place.

I love August in New England. I love the warm sunny days, and the breezy cooler evenings.

I love that we’re moving and starting fresh. New routines, new areas to explore, new memories to be made. The path to saving and buying a home, and starting a family.

coffee

weheartit.com

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We’re moving!

Last weekend the Husband and I officially decided, we needed a fresh start. It was just time to get out of our current apartment. We let our landlords know we wouldn’t be renewing our lease and started searching online for apartments.

And we found one. We’re amidst the lease process now and we would make our actual move mid-summer. Is the new apartment perfect? Not at all. It’s not as updated as our current place or as big (bye-bye second bathroom) but here’s what we love:

  • It’s still a 2 bedroom, with the master up a little level which is a nice separation from the living room, kitchen, office, etc. The second bedroom is huge and leaves enough room for it to still be our guest bedroom and office.
  • There’s ample storage space.
  • Our lease would start a bit before our current one ends. Meaning we could move in slowly, set up everything exactly how we want it and even get some new furniture to make it really feel like home.
  • There’s a small area before coming up the stairs to the apartment that currently has an elliptical in it. The current owners set up cable and a small area for a TV so if you want to put a treadmill or other machine and watch TV you can.
  • It’s so sunny. We could see that in the pictures and then as soon as we went inside every room felt open and filled with light. It just felt like a happy place.
  • It has a big eat-in kitchen with a small deck connected. I think this might be a great way to get the Husband and I out of the habit of eating in front of the TV.
  • It has a driveway for both our cars and street parking. Unless you have lived in our part of the city, you can’t imagine the cluster f*ck that parking is – I couldn’t even have my car which has constantly left me feeling stranded.
  • It is in a cute little neighborhood with many young families, trees and parks.
  • It’s about a mile from the one free commuter train station outside of Boston. I can drive and park (if I get there early, which I would with my gym schedule) or I can walk on nice days.
  • While miles outside of the city, my train ride will be a good amount shorter than my current bus commute – bye bye traffic!
  • It’s pet friendly… we are talking about getting a chocolate lab! (Much research and planning to come before fully deciding on that kind of commitment though.)

And last but certainly not least, we’ll be saving $1,000 a month in rent. That’s an additional $12,000 that we’ll have at the end of the lease to put towards a down payment on a house.

Change

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Recently the Husband and I started talking about moving instead of staying where we are for the next year. As much as I hate moving, I can’t help but really want a fresh start.

A new place, a new beginning, a new routine. A chance at “starting over” – eating healthy, building a new routine around a new exciting place, each taking on house-hold responsibilities, managing our money better and letting go of some of the baggage we had when we first moved in together in the current place. Plus, if we could save a few hundred or more a month, it would be a total win.

We’re looking at an apartment this weekend and it would be just for a year if we like it until we can buy something. I can’t help but become really excited about it.

And then there’s this nagging thought in the back of my mind… is it a fresh start or am I just running away? Can there be a benefit to running away and starting fresh, or does it just follow you and end up in the new place?

I guess it depends on the situation.

Sometimes, the fresh start really can kick you into changing – re-invigorating you, giving space to what were the issues before, a restart button. I guess the important part is to know what the issues were, and how to make sure they don’t happen in the new scenario, or you’ll end up in the same place – just different scenery.

I’ve noticed this a lot with friends recently too. A current friend who almost moved for a job relocation, but didn’t, and then told me at dinner the other night she was a little sad she didn’t take the opportunity. She said if she had gone to the new location she could have focused on herself, went to the gym more, slept more, had fewer social obligations. To me I just don’t understand – why not do that in your current situation? If you want that change, and it’s important to you, start making it happen.

Another few friends who are having some growing pains after living together for years. There’s too much detail and depth to go into it, but one has (somewhat abruptly) decided to move away for the summer, and when she comes back, they will no longer be living together. Maybe space will be a really good thing giving them some time to breathe, but at the same time, it doesn’t change what the issues are…it just creates a little distance. Without communicating about it, the distance could just push them apart even further, essentially ruining years of friendship.

I can’t help but say it, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. The grass is greener where you water it.

Grass-is-greener-where-you-water-it

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I had in mind that I was going to write about a couple of different things today. Shin splints maybe or Yoga.

Then I came into work…

My new manager is leaving. Taking some time off to be a Mom, maybe take her career in a different direction when she decides to go back to work.

To say I am a bit freaked out by this is an understatement.

For one, in a mere 6 weeks, she has become the best manager I have ever had. She is a leader, a supporter, a mentor, and friend. She makes me feel like I will be a rock star, even when my confidence wavers. She stands up for the team when the culture here tries to eat us all up. She pushes us to be efficient, and makes us walk out the door at 5pm and have a life – rather than work our life away like so many other teams and departments here.

It is completely unknown what will happen.

If someone new comes in, they will have something to prove. And when you have to prove something to those above, it’s likely that means pushing unrelenting expectations down.

If someone new, they won’t know my reputation here from the past 6.5 years. They may not understand why I’m not yet qualified to be in this role.

I love what I have been learning. I love this new career path. And I really love the work-life balance that has come from it.

All I can do is wait. Wait to see what happens. Try my best to stick together with the new team and keep the quality of work and the quality of life just as high as it’s been.

This takes discomfort to a whole new level.

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Last Thursday and Friday I was in a fantastic and productive mood. (Big difference from my pickle day.)

It’s so funny how my mood takes a turn for the positive when I’m busy, productive and feeling motivated. I’ve always said, the more I have to do – the more I seem to get done and the better I feel. Burning the candle at both ends really brings out the best in me.

So this past Monday I gave my formal acceptance of the new role. I start on March 1st splitting my time transitioning between the current and new role, with a goal of spending 100% of my time in the new role by the end of March.

Yesterday I worked from home. As I sat in my living room typing away and not having much in person contact with others I started to feel anxious and flat out uncomfortable with my decision to make this career change.

Am I making a mistake? I have to give up more than I realized…

  • My own personal office
  • A boss I have had for 6 years and therefore know what her goals and pet peeves are
  • A team that is positive, hard-working and respects me as the expert
  • A flexible schedule in that I can state when I need to take lunch outside of the office, run to the doctor’s or take vacation
  • Working from home – I work on Tuesdays from home. I imagine for at least the first few months I won’t be working from home
  • Confidence – in every meeting, on every call, during each project – I knew the right answers, I knew the questions they’d ask, I just felt like I knew it all.
  • Comfort – after 6 years, I’m flat out comfortable. I don’t  worry or stress about coming into work. In fact, I’m pretty meh about it in general.

So what is the payoff to keep going through this discomfort?

  • A new skillset
  • A mentor I respect and am looking forward to working with
  • Training and certification for my PMP paid for by the company that will help me in my career forever (if I pass…)
  • Managing projects and no longer being in a support role (one that caused too many last second late nights, cancelled plans, 2 am calls)
  • A career path that will allow me to have kids, reduce hours or move up, move between industries (if I want)
  • The option to work two days a week from home (after a certain amount of time)
  • A career path that will allow me to higher my salary without fully losing my work/life balance

Fake it until I make it? I want to do this. I can do this. I will push past this discomfort and keep going.

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Discomfort then Growth

If you could describe how I’m feeling right now, discomfort would pretty much sum it up.

DCom

I’m anxious.
Uneasy.
Worried.
Nervous.
A little regretful.
But excited too.

I am taking the new role at my company. Essentially I’m still under the same department, but I’m on a team with an entirely new role. I’m going from a supervisor of a small team that focuses solely on web updates to a project management role on the project services team.

I was approached by a woman at work on that team who said she saw the innate skills of a great project manager in me. She offered to mentor me herself. She convinced me that it would become a career path for me, and would allow me endless opportunities wherever I wanted to go. She wants the challenge of teaching and mentoring someone.

The idea really excited me. How long has it been since I felt challenged and content at work? A long time.

It takes my favorite aspect of my job – seeing a project through from start to finish and all the details in between and would make that my day to day role. It would be challenging work at times, but far better hours (some long days at the end of projects but mostly 9-5:30 on other days).

But it’s terrifying.

I’ve been on my team for 6 years. I’m known as the expert. I’m the go to. I’m confident in what I do, who I talk to and each meeting I step into. I love my team and how hard they work. I know their strong points, their challenges, and I know what works to motivate them.

I hate feeling uncomfortable. I hate feeling vulnerable. I hate feeling dumb. And most of all I hate the fear and risk of failure. This switch essentially rolls up all of my hates and serves it to me on a silver platter of doubt.

But looking back, this is really a pattern for me.

I find a new idea, challenge or opportunity. I think about taking it on, and I get more and more excited as I think about it and plan to do it. Then I actually take on the new challenge and I immediately feel doubt, discomfort and a tiny bit of regret for what I got myself into. Then I push through, as I always do, and in the end – what comes out of it – is usually an experience of a lifetime. A life changing experience.

I could go back and read this in detail on my own blog through my first triathlon training and when I started dating the Townie. How many times did I almost quit before and during both? But I pushed through and to date, crossing the finish line of my first triathlon and standing in the church and marrying the Townie now Husband, are some of the best moments of my life.

I guess it’s time to accept that I’m going to feel uncomfortable for a while.

“Don’t be afraid to expand yourself, to step out of your comfort zone. That’s where the joy and the adventure lie.”

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Have you ever dated or been in a relationship with a guy that you knew you shouldn’t be with? But you were addicted and for whatever reason you just kept letting the crappy behavior slide and you’d still hang out with him?

Or have you ever watched that happen with a friend? You mention multiple times to your friend that the fact that this person cancels on them 90% of the time and usually only calls them after 11pm on weekend nights is less than what your friend deserves?

I find that no matter what you say, usually it has to run its course. In the friend instance it’s painful to watch, and you talk it through over and over but somehow it keeps happening.

But then at some point (sometimes months too long) it clicks for that person. They deserve better. They aren’t happy. They have been pretending the whole “see you when I see you thing” works. But it takes that person getting to that point to be able to change it. You can’t push them there.

This post is not about crappy guys and dating. Although I have (and am) watching quite a few friends go through that exact scenario. And I want to shout over and over, YOU DESERVE BETTER, but they have to want better.

Anyway, this post is actually about fitness and health.

For the past few months I have wanted to get back into the groove. I’ve signed up for race after race and added many Google calendar appointments to work out.

But I haven’t. Aside from one 5 mile race and one triathlon I’ve fallen through on the rest. I watched as the scale crept up and I posted about my frustration, sadness and disappointment with my weight gain and outlook on health. I kept saying I was going to change, I came up with strict goals and signed up for more races.

But it didn’t change. If anything it got worse. 2 slices of cheesecake and 1 slice of blackout cake (in one night) from Cheesecake Factory finally set me off.

Maybe it’s my all or nothing personality.

Maybe I just needed a break.

But yesterday it clicked. Finally. That moment of knowing that I’ll make the effort because I really, truly, deep-down want to make the effort.

I met with my trainer yesterday who did initial measurements. My weight, my BMI, and other assorted fitness tests. He wants me to lose 4% of my body fat (which is about 8lbs). I agree. It’s not a crazy goal, in fact it puts me at a comfortable weight – one that I know I could maintain in a healthy, easy way.

I needed that slap in my face of seeing my weight written down by my trainer.
And now I need someone I am held responsible to.

So honestly? Screw my previous September goals. I didn’t meet half of them, but I’m over it. I’m not dieting, I’m not giving up dinner with friends, and I’m most definitely not giving up alcohol or all desserts. I’m doing this the real way.

Slow changes. Getting my booty to the gym 4x a week. Making healthier eating choices. Controlling my portions.

And GO.

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B called me this past Friday night.

As I was setting out my gear and clothing for each section of my tri I saw his name pop up on my phone. I almost didn’t pick it up, but it’s random when he does call so I thought maybe there was something wrong.

Turns out he was driving down to the Cape and wanted my advice on whether or not to buy a piece of Real Estate. I couldn’t talk long since my wake up time was going to be 4:40am but he did a quick overview of what was going on and I rationally tried to talk him through some of it.

We agreed it would make more sense to talk at a later time and hung up.

I really enjoy being B’s friend. Not in a, “let’s hang out and talk intimately about life together” sort of way but more in an “if anything is wrong, or you need to chat, here is someone who knows you so well” and it’s OK to call them.

But I no longer want to tell him certain details about my life, I want those saved for just the Townie.

I haven’t posted too much detail about the Townie. Part of it is in fear that by saying it somehow it will change things. Part of it is that this blog was founded on my breakup with B, going through heartbreak, and the ups and downs of dating. But that’s all changed and I guess my blog has really changed with it.

The truth is, I love the Townie, more than I ever expected to. I mean did I really think I would meet someone on Match.com? No! But, I’m just so excited for our future – the prospect of travelling together, living together and being married. I can picture him being such a great Dad. The way he looks at me, like I’m just this amazing girl he can’t help but love is the best feeling in the world. Every day I feel like I love him more and more and I just didn’t know that was possible.

I don’t really know if there was a point to this post except to reflect on how things really do change.  Without sounding too preachy, you just can’t picture what your life will be like in a year from now.

The most important thing I have learned from the last year is that you really have to take a few risks, be uncomfortable, and get out there to make changes in your life. I wouldn’t have done my first Tri, or gone gallivanting through South America with a new friend, or tried online dating otherwise. And most importantly, I probably wouldn’t be over B.

Yet now I’m hooked on tris and fitness, I’m planning yearly trips with that new friend who has become a great friend, and I’m in love with a guy who’s perfect for me.

It doesn’t mean all of your efforts to change will always turn out successful. I have countless posts on feeling lonely, frustrated, anxious and heart-broken. But eventually that changes too. All of that, was well worth the results.

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

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When I first moved to Boston after college I craved chaos.

Basically, I wanted to continue with my college social life. I worked a job I hated from 9am to 7pm and then ordered takeout or went out to eat every night and frequented the bars as often as possible. I stayed over at friend’s places for an entire weekend – eating, drinking and socializing every free second of time. I did my laundry maybe once in the time of 3 months and cleaning absolutely never happened. And the gym? Not a chance.

That all toned down a bit when I got a different job and started getting my masters at night. However, it was still chaos, just controlled chaos. I’d go to work from 9am-5:30pm, run to class from 6pm-9pm, then see my boyfriend, friends or run after. Most mornings I found myself getting up hours early to attempt to write a paper or read assigned texts for a class that night. Weekends were packed with friends or travel.

And this summer has really topped the chaos meter. Don’t get me wrong, this summer has been fantastic:

  • 2 Cape Cod trips with the Townie (one with his friends)
  • 1 trip to Florida with family
  • 1 trip to NY for my sister’s graduation from college
  • Warrior Dashing through mud (resulting in poison ivy) and gallivanting around phantom gourmet’s bbq beach party
  • A night in Rhode Island for dinner with family & the Townie
  • A moving away party for a friend
  • A weekend visit from 3 NY besties packed with a duck tour and red sox game
  • A week-long training at work
  • A week-long beach vacation with a few of the girls
  • A Portsmouth weekend trip with the Townie
  • A going away party for another friend
  • A birthday bbq in the suburbs

And that’s not including tri training, dinners after work with friends, or the upcoming weeks with 2 weddings, 2 tris, a 10k, a Patriots game, 2 kayaking trips, 2 fantasy football leagues & drafts, and a weekend in Stowe, Vermont with zip lining. That’s just the end of August through September.

Whoa.

As the summer is coming to an end and my crazy Fall is starting I am realizing all I want these days is some simplicity and routine.

I’m craving getting up in the morning and going to a spin class, going to work, coming home to a clean apartment, cooking a fabulous home cooked dinner and sitting down with the Townie to enjoy it.

I’m craving a weekend morning where I can wake up and not have a packed schedule for the day. Instead just decide what I want to do that day.

I’m craving living off of one cup of coffee on most days and not 4 in order to keep my eyes open.

I’m craving exercise for fun, and not for tri or road race training.

I’m craving quality time with my friends, but not having to make plans multiple nights per week, squeezing it all in.

I feel like I’m ready to leave behind the chaos and even some of the controlled chaos for a while.

I’m ready to build a life with the Townie, which means fantasizing about moving in together when my lease runs up next Spring. And yes that fantasy includes a pave setting princess cut diamond ring hanging out on my finger. 🙂

I feel like I’m ready to have more space than my studio apt (umm, like a bedroom!) but also so I can cook dinners and invite people over and skip the crowded bars where I have to scream at my friend to find out how her new job is going only to ask “what” 4 times before hearing her answer.

Maybe that makes me old, or boring, or anti-social, but it’s a change I’m going with. This fall and winter I’m toning it all down. Maybe simplicity isn’t such a bad thing. 🙂

*source

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