Posts Tagged ‘change’

Last night I dreamt of B. Yeah, that B. Oddly I don’t remember the dream, I just know I woke up feeling a deep sadness.

I can’t really remember the last time I talked to him. I know it’s been over 2 years now since an actual conversation. Almost a full year since even a polite “happy birthday” text.

The feeling I woke up with was more nostalgia I guess than sadness. At times I miss how simple life felt back then, and with B. Get in the car and drive to Maine for the weekend. Hop a flight to Canada or Ireland. Meet after work for dinner in the city and stay up until 1am having deep conversations. Jam pack one long date day from 7am coffee and breakfast on until 11pm bedtime.

But the truth is, it’s not B who I miss. Because when I really remember how I felt back then it was… unsure. Anxious. This feeling of skating on thin ice, always. Deep down I knew very early on, that B didn’t want to get married and have kids. Yet, we connected deeply on many other levels, but never on our main values. So we continued on, happily at times, but always I knew – if and when I brought up that someday I wanted those things, he’d let me go. And eventually I did bring them up, and immediately, he let me go.

The more I’ve thought about it this morning, the more I realize that the nostalgia for those times is because life lately, and in the past year has just felt so busy. Sure sometimes it’s busy with really fun and great things. And sometimes it’s busy with crap that I don’t want to do. Lately I feel more and more like my time is less my time, and more time to meet obligations.

Part of it is perspective. Part of its changed priorities. Part of it is getting older, and becoming more established – in my marriage, career, with friends and family. Starting a family, even if that just means adopting Bentley.

Looking back, when I was with B I was working a job versus a career. I was finishing up my masters. I was 24 years old and everything felt exciting and fun and nothing felt that serious. Everything was about change, and it was supposed to be.

Now, money and savings are far more important. Trying to buy or build a house is a priority. Taking care of a puppy is a serious responsibility. Work isn’t just a 9-5, I’m frequently having 12 hour days. Marriage takes work, compromise and time… time that somehow keeps slipping away. I don’t see the Husband during the week anymore. We get to sleep together (which I love) but he usually gets home after 10pm. So we have weekends.

But weekends, oh the weekends. They are full of seeing this person or that person visiting, or this baby shower, or that wedding shower, or this wedding, or that 30th birthday. Sometimes the Husband can come along, but many times he can’t.

Oh and training. Fitting in training. 3+ hour bike rides on the weekend too.

Jeez, I need to snap out of this funk today.

Nothing changes if nothing changes…

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Last week I returned to work on Monday. On Monday evening I got a call from my younger sister that she was headed to the ER. 26 hours later, I took her home, without her appendix. It was a long night and following day – with little sleep, another missed day of work, and many crazy emotions.

To say I felt overwhelmed last week is an understatement. It was a hurricane of emotions – exhaustion, worry,  stress about family stuff, stress about work, stress about moving, stress about the upcoming Atlantic City bachelorette, stress about it all. On top of it, I had another urinary tract infection – leaving me uncomfortable and in pain.

But on Thursday, we went and got our keys to our new place and did a quick walk through. Sure it’s not as updated as our current place, but I just have this good feeling about it. It’s a happy place, An easy, cozy, sunny place.

And the weekend ended up being a ton of fun. Too much fun actually. I spent Sunday morning hugging the toilet. Apparently, having not had more than one glass of wine for months, and then having quite a few shots and vodka drinks meant my body hating me all yesterday. Getting into the car for the two-hour drive, then onto my flight back to Boston was about as miserable as it could get. Talk about reminding myself why I normally stick to 1-2 drinks.

Today, I’m working from home. I’m getting ready to start packing tonight. We’re headed over to do a quick clean of our new apartment. And tomorrow I took off. I’ll be finishing the packing before heading into work on Wednesday. Wednesday morning will be the last time I commute in from my current place. Wednesday evening I’ll be heading home to my new place. NEW PLACE!

I can’t wait.

This morning feels almost Fall like. Sunny, breezy, and mid-60’s. Something about it feels so fresh, and goes so well with the fresh start of our new place.

I love August in New England. I love the warm sunny days, and the breezy cooler evenings.

I love that we’re moving and starting fresh. New routines, new areas to explore, new memories to be made. The path to saving and buying a home, and starting a family.



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We’re moving!

Last weekend the Husband and I officially decided, we needed a fresh start. It was just time to get out of our current apartment. We let our landlords know we wouldn’t be renewing our lease and started searching online for apartments.

And we found one. We’re amidst the lease process now and we would make our actual move mid-summer. Is the new apartment perfect? Not at all. It’s not as updated as our current place or as big (bye-bye second bathroom) but here’s what we love:

  • It’s still a 2 bedroom, with the master up a little level which is a nice separation from the living room, kitchen, office, etc. The second bedroom is huge and leaves enough room for it to still be our guest bedroom and office.
  • There’s ample storage space.
  • Our lease would start a bit before our current one ends. Meaning we could move in slowly, set up everything exactly how we want it and even get some new furniture to make it really feel like home.
  • There’s a small area before coming up the stairs to the apartment that currently has an elliptical in it. The current owners set up cable and a small area for a TV so if you want to put a treadmill or other machine and watch TV you can.
  • It’s so sunny. We could see that in the pictures and then as soon as we went inside every room felt open and filled with light. It just felt like a happy place.
  • It has a big eat-in kitchen with a small deck connected. I think this might be a great way to get the Husband and I out of the habit of eating in front of the TV.
  • It has a driveway for both our cars and street parking. Unless you have lived in our part of the city, you can’t imagine the cluster f*ck that parking is – I couldn’t even have my car which has constantly left me feeling stranded.
  • It is in a cute little neighborhood with many young families, trees and parks.
  • It’s about a mile from the one free commuter train station outside of Boston. I can drive and park (if I get there early, which I would with my gym schedule) or I can walk on nice days.
  • While miles outside of the city, my train ride will be a good amount shorter than my current bus commute – bye bye traffic!
  • It’s pet friendly… we are talking about getting a chocolate lab! (Much research and planning to come before fully deciding on that kind of commitment though.)

And last but certainly not least, we’ll be saving $1,000 a month in rent. That’s an additional $12,000 that we’ll have at the end of the lease to put towards a down payment on a house.


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Recently the Husband and I started talking about moving instead of staying where we are for the next year. As much as I hate moving, I can’t help but really want a fresh start.

A new place, a new beginning, a new routine. A chance at “starting over” – eating healthy, building a new routine around a new exciting place, each taking on house-hold responsibilities, managing our money better and letting go of some of the baggage we had when we first moved in together in the current place. Plus, if we could save a few hundred or more a month, it would be a total win.

We’re looking at an apartment this weekend and it would be just for a year if we like it until we can buy something. I can’t help but become really excited about it.

And then there’s this nagging thought in the back of my mind… is it a fresh start or am I just running away? Can there be a benefit to running away and starting fresh, or does it just follow you and end up in the new place?

I guess it depends on the situation.

Sometimes, the fresh start really can kick you into changing – re-invigorating you, giving space to what were the issues before, a restart button. I guess the important part is to know what the issues were, and how to make sure they don’t happen in the new scenario, or you’ll end up in the same place – just different scenery.

I’ve noticed this a lot with friends recently too. A current friend who almost moved for a job relocation, but didn’t, and then told me at dinner the other night she was a little sad she didn’t take the opportunity. She said if she had gone to the new location she could have focused on herself, went to the gym more, slept more, had fewer social obligations. To me I just don’t understand – why not do that in your current situation? If you want that change, and it’s important to you, start making it happen.

Another few friends who are having some growing pains after living together for years. There’s too much detail and depth to go into it, but one has (somewhat abruptly) decided to move away for the summer, and when she comes back, they will no longer be living together. Maybe space will be a really good thing giving them some time to breathe, but at the same time, it doesn’t change what the issues are…it just creates a little distance. Without communicating about it, the distance could just push them apart even further, essentially ruining years of friendship.

I can’t help but say it, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. The grass is greener where you water it.


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I had in mind that I was going to write about a couple of different things today. Shin splints maybe or Yoga.

Then I came into work…

My new manager is leaving. Taking some time off to be a Mom, maybe take her career in a different direction when she decides to go back to work.

To say I am a bit freaked out by this is an understatement.

For one, in a mere 6 weeks, she has become the best manager I have ever had. She is a leader, a supporter, a mentor, and friend. She makes me feel like I will be a rock star, even when my confidence wavers. She stands up for the team when the culture here tries to eat us all up. She pushes us to be efficient, and makes us walk out the door at 5pm and have a life – rather than work our life away like so many other teams and departments here.

It is completely unknown what will happen.

If someone new comes in, they will have something to prove. And when you have to prove something to those above, it’s likely that means pushing unrelenting expectations down.

If someone new, they won’t know my reputation here from the past 6.5 years. They may not understand why I’m not yet qualified to be in this role.

I love what I have been learning. I love this new career path. And I really love the work-life balance that has come from it.

All I can do is wait. Wait to see what happens. Try my best to stick together with the new team and keep the quality of work and the quality of life just as high as it’s been.

This takes discomfort to a whole new level.

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Last Thursday and Friday I was in a fantastic and productive mood. (Big difference from my pickle day.)

It’s so funny how my mood takes a turn for the positive when I’m busy, productive and feeling motivated. I’ve always said, the more I have to do – the more I seem to get done and the better I feel. Burning the candle at both ends really brings out the best in me.

So this past Monday I gave my formal acceptance of the new role. I start on March 1st splitting my time transitioning between the current and new role, with a goal of spending 100% of my time in the new role by the end of March.

Yesterday I worked from home. As I sat in my living room typing away and not having much in person contact with others I started to feel anxious and flat out uncomfortable with my decision to make this career change.

Am I making a mistake? I have to give up more than I realized…

  • My own personal office
  • A boss I have had for 6 years and therefore know what her goals and pet peeves are
  • A team that is positive, hard-working and respects me as the expert
  • A flexible schedule in that I can state when I need to take lunch outside of the office, run to the doctor’s or take vacation
  • Working from home – I work on Tuesdays from home. I imagine for at least the first few months I won’t be working from home
  • Confidence – in every meeting, on every call, during each project – I knew the right answers, I knew the questions they’d ask, I just felt like I knew it all.
  • Comfort – after 6 years, I’m flat out comfortable. I don’t  worry or stress about coming into work. In fact, I’m pretty meh about it in general.

So what is the payoff to keep going through this discomfort?

  • A new skillset
  • A mentor I respect and am looking forward to working with
  • Training and certification for my PMP paid for by the company that will help me in my career forever (if I pass…)
  • Managing projects and no longer being in a support role (one that caused too many last second late nights, cancelled plans, 2 am calls)
  • A career path that will allow me to have kids, reduce hours or move up, move between industries (if I want)
  • The option to work two days a week from home (after a certain amount of time)
  • A career path that will allow me to higher my salary without fully losing my work/life balance

Fake it until I make it? I want to do this. I can do this. I will push past this discomfort and keep going.

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Discomfort then Growth

If you could describe how I’m feeling right now, discomfort would pretty much sum it up.


I’m anxious.
A little regretful.
But excited too.

I am taking the new role at my company. Essentially I’m still under the same department, but I’m on a team with an entirely new role. I’m going from a supervisor of a small team that focuses solely on web updates to a project management role on the project services team.

I was approached by a woman at work on that team who said she saw the innate skills of a great project manager in me. She offered to mentor me herself. She convinced me that it would become a career path for me, and would allow me endless opportunities wherever I wanted to go. She wants the challenge of teaching and mentoring someone.

The idea really excited me. How long has it been since I felt challenged and content at work? A long time.

It takes my favorite aspect of my job – seeing a project through from start to finish and all the details in between and would make that my day to day role. It would be challenging work at times, but far better hours (some long days at the end of projects but mostly 9-5:30 on other days).

But it’s terrifying.

I’ve been on my team for 6 years. I’m known as the expert. I’m the go to. I’m confident in what I do, who I talk to and each meeting I step into. I love my team and how hard they work. I know their strong points, their challenges, and I know what works to motivate them.

I hate feeling uncomfortable. I hate feeling vulnerable. I hate feeling dumb. And most of all I hate the fear and risk of failure. This switch essentially rolls up all of my hates and serves it to me on a silver platter of doubt.

But looking back, this is really a pattern for me.

I find a new idea, challenge or opportunity. I think about taking it on, and I get more and more excited as I think about it and plan to do it. Then I actually take on the new challenge and I immediately feel doubt, discomfort and a tiny bit of regret for what I got myself into. Then I push through, as I always do, and in the end – what comes out of it – is usually an experience of a lifetime. A life changing experience.

I could go back and read this in detail on my own blog through my first triathlon training and when I started dating the Townie. How many times did I almost quit before and during both? But I pushed through and to date, crossing the finish line of my first triathlon and standing in the church and marrying the Townie now Husband, are some of the best moments of my life.

I guess it’s time to accept that I’m going to feel uncomfortable for a while.

“Don’t be afraid to expand yourself, to step out of your comfort zone. That’s where the joy and the adventure lie.”

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