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Posts Tagged ‘crush’

The Townie and I had a good third date on Saturday night. Dinner & drinks at a sushi place near my apartment then back to my apartment. And before getting any ideas it was pretty pg rated. ūüėČ

We had gotten together at about 7 and then¬†walked to my place around 10pm. We put on 127 hours which we semi watched, mostly talked though (we clearly watched when he actually cut his own arm off …disturbing). After that ended I think I put on a dvr’ed episode of Criminal Minds and we just kept talking and then a few other shows played on tv. All the sudden it was 4am and I was pretty surprised I was still awake that after being up early and having done that crazy workout.

For another I was taken aback by how easy it was to just hang out with him and talk and cuddle up on the couch.

He left around 4:15am with a kiss goodbye (ok first kisses – still awkward even if at the age of 26) but I’d be lying if I didn’t say I am cheesily smiling as I type this…

Anyway, we have plans to see each other again on Thursday and got to a sox game next week.

This whole thing has gotten me thinking. I think no matter what relationship, whether it’s 2 weeks or 2 years you end up learning something. For some reason that relationship was part of your life.

I already feel like I’ve learned quite a bit in this one. It’s called, seriously Caitlin, don’t judge a book by its cover.

The Townie¬†comes off as a tough, 6’2, jacked-up, Boston-accented party boy. In reality he was a party boy during college (we had similar college habits actually) but now is very much type a, needs to be in control, cares a lot about his career, is an athlete, and parties but not nearly as hard as he used to. He’s funny, he can definitely make fun of himself, and we can be¬†playful together – all of which I wasn’t sure of with his first marine like impression.

And another lesson-learned, getting over the initial fear of him meeting my family or friends and how they’ll judge him and let’s be honest then judge me.

But this all got me thinking. Everyone LOVED B. They loved him because when we went to a family function or a party or a wedding he made a point of making sure everyone liked him. So afterwards it felt good to think that everyone approved and was taken aback by him.

And yet, whenever we’d leave those family functions or parties with friends, or his friend’s weddings deep-down,¬†I felt upset. Because at each of these activities when I was supposed to be the one he was thinking about, or caring about, or hell, even noticing – I was the person he noticed the least.

Instead of dancing with me during a couple’s dance he was chatting up a semi acquaintance to make a good impression, and didn’t even notice me sitting at a table while the other girls were taken by their dates to dance (true story, his friend actually came over at that point and asked me to dance). When he noticed someone’s glass was empty he’d run and get them a drink but wouldn’t think to ask me as I stood there with an empty glass. He’d make weekend plans to fit every friend and acquaintance in – making sure to show face at parties/activities/etc and put me last because he knew he could.

The thing was, he had already won me over. At that point he was busy making sure everyone else he encountered liked him or thought highly of him. And with that it meant that his mom, his sister, and myself – the 3 people he loved the most in the world – always came last. No matter how many conversations we had about it, it never changed.

So sure, it matters to me what my family and friends think. But truthfully most times they notice the surface level of people. Deep down I know they all want me to be happy. Maybe the Townie comes off a little rough, but his attention is already 100% on me.

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This Saturday night is reserved for the Townie and our third date. We haven’t made set plans but tentatively we’ll do dinner in my area and then maybe watch a movie at my apartment.

And yes, the whole my apartment part was actually my idea. I feel a little forward by suggesting it but I have my reasons.

So far we’ve hugged. That’s it. The places we are going just don’t make it conducive to being affectionate or touching or having intimate conversations for the first time.

I need some sort of read on our chemistry and truthfully if he can be goofy and playful at all, which for me is a must.

I have no plans of much going on, if you get my drift, and neither does my body thankfully due to my monthly friend, but I’m thinking this is the best way to figure some things out.

But of course now…

I’m nervous about having him at my place. Not him per say, but that it’s a tiny studio place and as clean as I can make it, it’s still full of my stuff. Oh and you can hear the person in the bathroom.

I’m nervous about what to wear. I made the mistake of wearing what I’d consider one of my better outfits on our last date – including my favorite (memorable) boots and jeggings. Now what? (If it were warmer I’d just throw on a dress. Booo cold weather!)

I’m nervous about how to end the whole night. Do we establish a you have to go time? Will watching a movie be somewhat awkward? Am I going to think or care that this is the first guy since B that has been in my new apartment? On my bed with me? (ha kidding, we won’t be on my bed ūüėČ )

Being¬†nervous is something¬†I didn’t anticipate. I feel like I’m 15 again! But I am reminding myself that in order to figure out if we have a connection I’d like to try to get to know him a little more. And in order to get to the comfortable, lay in bed and chat stage – we’ll need to get past the awkward first moves/nerves/etc stage.

Plus, I have to admit, it IS exciting to feel like this again. Ya’ll were right. ūüôā

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Sometimes people’s advice on dating and finding the “right” one is completely contradictory.

In a cab going out in DC on Saturday night the cab driver started giving us dating advice. (Meanwhile two of the girls in the cab were married, one in a serious relationship and well, me.) He said, “You have to make the guy your homework. If you don’t study you fail, if¬† you study you do well.

¬†Then he went on to say, “If you walked into a grocery store and saw a product you liked would you buy? Because if you don’t, someone else will.” He kept saying we had to make an effort if we wanted a guy.

Which goes along with half of what my friends say. That I need to “really put myself out there” by going online, joining new activities, taking every and any opportunity to really make an effort to meet new guys. Because if I don’t make an effort I won’t find someone and apparently at the ripe age of almost 26 they make it sound like they fear I’ll become a crazy cat lady.

And then there’s the other half of my friends who say “I’ll meet the right guy when I stop looking – he’ll just magically pop out of nowhere into my life at the right time“.

Both make sense. I mean the best part of all of this? I’m not asking anyone for advice at this point, it’s just as soon as I say yes I’m single and no I’m not dating anyone people start spouting off all these single friends they may have that I should really consider. Sure A has this single friend and he might be a little weird or even gay but I should really give him a chance.

 Really?

¬†…Really?

At this point I’m just, well I don’t know. Of course I want to meet someone. Of course I miss intimacy in so many ways. But right now I don’t want to make finding someone my full-time job. I’m really happy and enjoying life and enjoying my crush even if it won’t go anywhere.

But sometimes what others say starts to seep in and I start to worry, will I be the only one left alone if I don’t start trying?

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BOXING!

I¬†know I say it every week but I just look forward to it. I¬†LOVE it. I’m not even that good at it (…yet!) but it’s incredibly different from any other workout I do.

I love the adrenaline¬†rush. I love the dancing that comes with circling in the ring; duck and miss a punch, throw a right jab followed by a left hook, pivot and start the dance again.¬†I love how my emotions rush and I get so angry but you have to control it or you lose your rhythm and that’s when you become vulnerable and get hit.

Seeing the crush is good too ūüôā I talked to him a lot more tonight about Ireland, music, etc. Nothing too deep but fun conversation. It made me realize that I¬†enjoy the fantasy of him. I like looking forward to seeing him, working out and feeling attracted to someone again. But in reality would I want anything? Not in the long run. So it’s fun and for now I’m just gonna enjoy it.

If anything I’d love to continue boxing after this class ends so maybe some personal training sessions with him are in order. And not that kind ūüėČ

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I don’t know how or why it came up on the phone last night but in talking with my Mom about B she said, “I want better for you.”

It was an interesting comment. What would be better?

Yes, B broke my heart. Sometimes I hate saying it because it makes me sound weak or sad or something, but it’s true.

But when I look back I see an amazing relationship. And when I think of him now, I think I love him deeply as a person, as someone who strongly supports me, and someone who is my friend.

I do start to wonder if I’m looking slightly through rose-colored glasses.

Did I always feel secure with him? Was I always happy? Was I balanced with the rest of my life while being with him?

In some ways it’s yes to all of it. But it¬†some ways it’s no.

And could I ever really feel secure with him again? Sure people change, but do they really change? The end of our relationship was so sudden that I think I’d forever be waiting for a repeat pattern.

So my Mom wants someone “better” for me. Someone who isn’t half in at times and someone who isn’t scared or distrusting of commitment. Someone who doesn’t leave when the going gets tough.

In about a month we’ll have been broken up for one year. And in a little over a month I’ll turn 26. Things seem so different from last year.

My Mom said she is anxious for me, that she wants me to meet someone or just date again.

I’m not anxious. I think it’ll happen when the timing is right. When I meet the right person, I’ll want to be in a relationship with them. But right now my only interest (crush) is someone opposite of what I’d want in actual mate.

I have a feeling there’s a reason I’m only going for someone who I don’t really want.

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I miss talking music

One thing my current crush has reminded me of is my love for music.

How does this relate?

During our boxing class we have a small yoga classroom to ourselves so I can plug my iPod into the speaker system. Clearly I love this because then I get control of the music. Turns out boxing trainer has similar(ish) tastes in music as he started singing along to many of my songs.

And then a wiz khalifa song (the thrill) that I listened to daily over the winter came on. And he said he was going to see him in month around here. I was impressed. And jealous. He also sings along to my Eminem¬†songs (a battle I’ll fight another day on why I love Eminem¬†but his new songs like 25 to Life), Kid Cudi, etc. He then mentioned “Dancehall songs”, something I wasn’t familiar with.

I love being introduced to new music. It made me flash back to my Tasmania guy and our many conversations about Broken Social Scene and other not so well-known bands that lasted for hours.

And it reminded me that while my friends, and even B really enjoy music, none of them really talk music. We don’t compare songs often and many like certain types of music but aren’t open to others. From Drake to Damien Rice¬†to Mumford & Sons- I love it all.

I need some concerts in my future.

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Goodbye Crush

Oh my God.

After a little detective work I found out the age of my crush.

19.

Nineteen?!!

I kid you not he mentioned bartending in one of our classes. He definitely looks to be in his 20’s.

I don’t know what bothers me more. That it’s creepy and gross that I had a crush on a 19 year-old (legal or not that’s still 6 years younger) or that I no longer have a crush. Boooo ūüė¶

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