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Posts Tagged ‘depression’

This past weekend was a fantastic one. I have a tendency to write the most when I’m struggling or feeling emotionally unsettled about something. I knew immediately this morning what I wanted to write about but first, I don’t want to forget the good about this past weekend…

Friday half-day at work meant the afternoon was spent shopping, eating and running errands with the husband (so nice)

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Saturday 5k

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Saturday night Red Sox game and bar with friends…with way too many drinks

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Sunday brunch, mini golf, and the Impossible (which I do not recommend watching unless you want to cry, a lot).

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So here goes…

For a number of years I have known that I feel differently about alcohol than most of my family, friends and peers. The thing is, I don’t like drinking a lot. It has little to do with acting silly, or the calories, or even the physical hang-over the day after. I dislike it because 95% of the time, the day after, mentally, I get really depressed.

Like clockwork – it happens. I may start out OK the day after, but at some point it hits. This empty low that feels so awful, truthfully, I’d do almost anything when it hits just to make it go away. Last night as I was sitting on the couch with the husband, and tears were rolling down my face – I couldn’t even pinpoint why – life is good, so, so good. And yet I felt exhausted, physically crappy and bloated, and mentally – so very down and empty. Nothing can fill the pit I have in my stomach for those hours. The best way I know how to deal with it is distraction and sleep. Last night for the first time the Husband even said it , “I think you should take a break from drinking.”

Like clockwork the next day, as I have today, I get up early, workout and now I feel on top of the world. I feel like me again – motivated, internally happy and content. I can hardly remember or understand why I felt so bad yesterday evening, I just know I did. And I know I want to stay as far away from that feeling as possible.

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It’s not to say I don’t like to enjoy a glass of wine, or a cocktail out at dinners or during celebrations. But I just can’t keep doing the multiple drinks, it’s not worth the low depression that hits for the day after.

Luckily I married someone who rarely drinks. He just never really has, or has cared to, so once in a while he’ll drink and have a good time but if we’re out at dinner all ordering drinks, he’d still prefer a regular coke (yeah, he loves regular coke, yuck). 99% of our activities together, dinners, and entertainment don’t include alcohol. And even in activities that do have alcohol, we both always have more fun, dance more, chat more, and leave feeling happy when we either don’t drink, or limit the drinks. Even better I wake up the next day feeling light, rested, happy and motivated.

I know very few people will understand this. Luckily, most people can have a few drinks and be absolutely fine. Unfortunately, yesterday it hit me that for whatever reason, it just affects me so negatively and I don’t want to keep feeling that way weekend after weekend.

My experiences in life, no matter what they are – dinners, nights with friends, weddings, etc. for me are just so much better without the drinks. So for a while, that’s the way it’s going to be.

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For months now, I’ve hinted at my unhappiness with my weight gain since last summer (13lbs to be exact). But more than a number on a scale, these past few months I’ve felt, down.

Now that doesn’t mean I haven’t been happy in a lot of different ways. For one, my family, friends, and the Townie have made me incredibly happy and we’ve all had some wonderful quality time and trips together.

But more so I’ve noticed that as I dropped exercise from my routine (which happened all to easily), my mood started to change. My positive, easy going attitude has turned irritable, and with the drop of a hat it snaps into cranky-complaining-mode.

My food intake has turned from healthy (with treats) to eating just to eat. Eating as a reward (for a good day or a bad day), eating my emotions and feelings, and definitely eating out of boredom. It doesn’t help that since Townie came along my portion sizes have doubled. 

And my energy is at an all time low. I used to have trouble falling asleep I was so wired. For the past few weeks – all I want to do is sleep. 😦 I’m sleeping in later and later and going to bed earlier and earlier. Add on that I’m also feeling tired all the time during the day too, so much that I could hardly keep my eyes open at points with the Townie in the Cape and sometimes all I can think about at work to get me through the day is getting home and getting back in bed.

My night-time habits have spiraled to an all time low too. Sure once a week I see some of the girls, and a few times I see the Townie, but on the nights off? I’m plopping down on my couch and watching hours of tv while mindlessly eating. I’m talking 4+ hours a night.

I’ve been embarrassed to even admit this, to anyone, to myself, and especially to the blog world.

But I think by admitting it here, I’m in a way forcing myself to change. I need to break the cycle.

Because I want to change. I know the biggest challenge is just doing it. Starting. In any little way possible. Stop the excuses, the complaining, the weak efforts and just friggan do it.

So here it is. I’m not overloading myself with unrealistic goals for the first 10 days (yeah 5:30am workouts would just be a setup for failure right now) but I just want to get back into a routine, back to feeling like myself – an athlete. Most importantly exercise needs to get back to being a priority, not the first thing to go in a day.

Rather than write a whole bunch of overwhelming goals I’m thinking I’m going to take this one day at a time. Each day my goal is to incorporate at minimum, 25 minutes of exercise. [This doesn’t count my walking to and from work.]

Tonight I’m headed back to this boxing class with my college roomie.

Day one of OUT OF THE RUT  begins!

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I need a change in perspective. I don’t know how to wake myself out of this funk. I’m usually pretty good at this.

I realized the past few weeks that I’m floating through each day. I’m just going through the motion. I’m not productive at work, I’m doing the bare minimum to get me through the day. I am getting irritated and mad too easily.

I get home and watch TV to zone out as much as possible until I can fall asleep and then repeat the same thing.

I’m seeing friends and family and there are short moments where I feel like me again but overall something is missing.

Even my upcoming trip isn’t exciting me as much as it should.

Am I bored? Restless? Depressed? Too comfortable?

How do I snap out of this? I want to snap out of this.

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