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Posts Tagged ‘failure’

I know I keep jumping back and forth with this. And I know it’s silly and probably frustrating to some who can easily accomplish a half ironman (or who think I can). And maybe I can. But I hate that I wake up, excited for the day, excited for workouts, excited for my upcoming trip to St. Thomas, but then deep down, I’m anxious and weighed down by the looming June date. Most of all, I’m mad at myself – for not feeling differently about the race. For not being excited and jazzed about it. For telling everyone, and thinking if I weren’t to do it, how embarrassed and frustrated with myself I would feel. For not thinking about how if I had just signed up for a regular triathlon first, and trained for it and killed it I would be ecstatic. It doesn’t always have to be the extreme. For not taking some time to think about which one I signed up for either – a time when my entire mom’s side of the family, including my mother will be in Alaska. And where I’ll have to travel 6 hours away, when there’s one just a few months later (already full) that’s less than 2 hours away and I’ve done the triathlon there and know and love the course.

Would I regret not doing it? Yes. Maybe. I think I will. I would feel like a failure. I failed everyone I told I would do it. I had every opportunity to make this into what I wanted, and I didn’t. I didn’t put it what I wanted to get out. So would I feel better and happier every day for the next few months though if I didn’t do it? Yes. Would I be excited to participate in a regular triathlon around the same time frame? Yes, very much so. Because let’s be honest, I know I’d kill a regular tri at this point.

And so that’s where my mind is right now. Keep training. Participate in my duathlon this week. No matter what my training is not going to waste. If anything I’ll be signing up for a triathlon that I’ve had my eye on the last weekend in June, that’s right near the Husband’s family’s house.

I just hope that in the next few days I wake up one morning and just accept it – one way or another. Be honest with myself, be true to myself, and do what makes me happy. Even if that means disappointing others, and myself in a way.

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