Just one of those days…

I had a really great weekend. There are so many parts of the weekend that replay in the back of my mind and make me happy again today. I want to recap it later because it entailed hiking in Pawtuckaway State Park (NH), eating lunch in Portsmouth (NH), surprising my best friend with a giant going away party, watching my first triathlon and renting bikes in NH and riding down the Nashua River Rail Trail.

And yet, maybe because I’m coming off of such a great weekend well week and weekend, today I feel a little eh.

There’s an irritableness to my mood I think…

Recently I have found some activities that I enjoy doing so much. And honestly I love doing some of these activities with the girls. Saturday day with my friend J was about as perfect as it could get. Beautiful weather, nice hike, and lots of quality time and chatting.

Maybe it was the experience yesterday with my other friend, S, that made me realize I miss B for more than just missing him as a person, I miss the things we did together.

I really miss having a boyfriend who is open and excited to do lots of activities with me. I want to go swim before work some mornings at the nearby lakes, I want to take weekend hikes, I want to rent bikes and do more than 10 miles on a trail. I want to plan a big weekend or longer trip somewhere far away and exciting. And while my friends are up to do that sometimes, it’s not nearly as often as I’d like and honestly it’s only a few who are up for it. We’re all crazy busy so when we do schedule time it’s amazing but I have more available time now.

While it’s great and all to say now I know something else I want in a partner – someone who enjoys these activities and is up to do them with me weekly – I want that now. I miss taking spontaneous day road trips, I miss having the bf who so willingly wants to take me shooting, rock climbing, or be open to my activities. I miss having someone who knows ALL of me. Not bits and pieces but 100% all of me.

I hate that all my new interests are reminding me of B. And reminding me of not having B or an awesome boyfriend in general. I hate that the stupid lump in my throat is back today. 😦

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The post where I realize how much I’ve changed

I have plans to have dinner with my old co-worker on Wednesday night. This happens to be the old co-worker that I “dated” for a while. For about 4 months (really 6 months if you count a few random times after) we basically slept together…a lot. When we first worked together I found him interesting, attractive (at 6’3 and a cycler) and he had the older guy appeal at 5 years older than me. But it was sex. It wasn’t really anything more than that – or at the time maybe I played with the idea of it being more – but looking back now I know it wouldn’t have worked. He’s a very nice guy, but his extreme go with the flow, doesn’t make set plans, doesn’t have a job after getting his MBA and is ok with that for now, personality just doesn’t mix with mine. The whole opposites attract thing at first was fun – I brought out his willingness to plan and he brought out the go with the flow.
 
And then it got old.
 
And then it just got annoying.
 
I LIKE making plans. I like having things to look forward to. Better yet I like DOING things. And I do not like being reprimanded and told to just relax when I am making too many plans (plans that were with or without said person). The extreme go with the flow attitude he had made him end up sitting at home on his computer most nights. Booooring. All talk and no doing makes co-worker a dull boy.
 
But I will admit, our rendezvous were pretty hot. A lot of it I played teacher and we experimented. Crazy outfits, crazy positions, as many times as we could in one night. But it’s strange, the idea of sleeping with him again just doesn’t do it for me. In fact it makes me cringe a little.
 
Why is that? How is it that someone I was once soooo attracted to can now be almost… repulsive?
 
My best guess? We have both changed. After B, I realize what I want, what I don’t want, and how I want to spend my time. I have also found in this mini rediscovering myself phase – how many interests I have like training for the Tri, rock-climbing, blogging, etc. I have also deepened my relationships with my family and friends. I’m loving life. And well, he seems to be going more and more into the go with the flow attitude that has ended with him at 30, living with his parents, no job, no hobbies, not many friends in the area and pretty lack-luster about life. The last time I saw him I felt like my personality was going to smother him. So I’m surprised at how hard he has pushed for us to get together for dinner.
 
In some ways it reminds me of this article my friend recently sent to me. I am in no way putting down those who get married young, in fact, I can see how marrying young makes for a more successful relationship. But for me, had I gotten married in my early 20’s I’d be divorced by now. I just didn’t know what I wanted in myself so how could I know what I want in a partner? I think now I understand what I need, what I want, and what I’m willing to compromise for someone. I’m still in no rush though, I mean I’m only 25.5 now! 😉
 
It’s just an interesting way to realize how much I have already grown in the past 3 years…and I like it.

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The Art of Breaking-Up

Why?

Seriously?

Guess who I just got an email from? B.  Here’s what I got:

“Okay, so it’s not a goat, but something tells me you’ll make an exception. If I had unlimited time and money, you would’ve come home to this in YOUR bed by now.”

Here’s what I think. Just like last Wednesday when I sent him something to open up communication I think he is doing the same thing now. It’s just bad timing.

In reality it’s not that big of a deal. I’m going to my spin class and running tonight and then maybe tonight, eh maybe tomorrow, I”ll respond with something short and probably a link to a video of fainting goats (which I had wanted to send a while back and is hilarious BTW).

I know if I don’t respond at all, he’ll call. I don’t want that right now. I can’t do that right now. So I’ll send my short response without really opening it up to more communication. In the future I’d love to have each other in our lives. But until I trust in myself that I have moved on, and my expectations for him are solely friendship, as I said earlier, I need to be my first priority.

It’s just frustrating. It’s like he has an alarm that goes off every time he senses I’m moving forward. But this time maybe he senses it’s different from before.

Back to moving forward.

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It is what it is

Yes, I cried during the bachelorette tonight.  Ali’s heart-wrenched look was all to familiar.

But then, when she gave the roses to both Chris and Roberto you could just see their genuine feelings for her in their smiles. The right things happen for the right reasons. Those two guys are crazy for her.  And they’re good for her and she’d be happy with either one of them. Ali’s better off without Frank.

But a tiny selfish part of me hopes she picks Roberto. That gives me a better chance of dating Chris. I mean he doesn’t live far… 😉

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Could I be next?

What a fabulous weekend that I really would like to continue. There’s so much I want to write about but tonight I’m exhausted. I’ll write about one little tidbit though.

My friend's wedding cake

 

I caught the bouquet at the wedding. Actually, I didn’t catch it. I was standing among a group of friends, I was looking at one friend confirming that neither of us wanted to catch it, had my arms crossed and eyes closed and somehow the bouquet landed between my neck and shoulder and stuck in my arm. It was like something out of a movie only it was my real life.

 

It was past the point of embarrassing as one of the groomsmen had to put the garter on my leg and then proceeded to come up to me multiple times throughout the night because we were meant to be. But trust me, we were not.

 

But who knows, maybe catching the bouquet is a good omen…

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Cuz there’s beauty in the breakdown

I’ve never dealt with heartbreak before. In my mind I somehow had because I had been in such long-term relationships but the thing is, when I ended them (and the key word being that I ended them) I had already moved on.

 

I never woke up aching for that person, I never felt alone, I just moved on. And quickly for that matter. It was just weeks after my first boyfriend A (of 3.5 years) that I found myself with a guy that was really just an in between before immediately moving onto my second boyfriend who I was with pretty seriously for a full year. And that ended by my semi-cheating on him with someone new, who I spent the next 4 years on and off with. I ended that relationship days before we were supposed to move in together and one week later I was hooking up with my then coworker. In the midst of the messy coworker situation I met B and it went from there.

This is the first time since I was 13 that I am on my own without a boyfriend. That I can’t fathom starting something new with someone else.

I have never felt like I needed a boyfriend and was always so independent in my relationships and in my life. I’ve always been the friend who could balance it all – boyfriend included. But what I’m starting to realize is that of course I never felt like I needed one because I always had one. It’s easy to feel like you’d be fine on your own when you haven’t ever been.

 

I have never felt true rejection before either. I’ve always gotten what I wanted when I went after it. And the truth is the night B and I broke up I went after him trying to get him to break up with me. I have struggled to explain it to anyone but that’s what I went after. Was it a test? Maybe. Was it some way of me having him do what I was never going to do? Maybe. All I know is I felt doubt that night and I pushed and got what I was after. Like I always do.

 

You could look at my life a number of ways.  Have I put myself out there in life enough? Meaning have I actually pushed myself beyond what I know I can get – or all this time have I been playing it safe? Meaning this is the first time I really let myself be vulnerable and I got burned.

 

Or have I always just gotten what I wanted because I went after it hard and luckily what I wanted was what I needed at the time. And maybe this time, I got what I needed whether or not I consciously wanted it.

 

I guess it doesn’t matter. And what’s most important is that I haven’t stopped living. Even in the first 6 months I more than lived. And in a lot of ways, and for a lot of the time I’ve been pretty content. But my quality of life has always been so high, that these past few months, and today especially there are these moments of frustrations, of anger, of sheer emptiness.

I know today, I felt it, a slight hint of the peace that comes with letting go. So let go…

 

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Does closure exist?

I haven’t spoken to B at all (no calls, texts, emails, etc) in days. I couldn’t help but be kinda upset by this. This morning I sent him an email regarding an article/radio thing I heard about AA that was really well done that I had mentioned last week.

His response was a thanks for the article but a very I don’t know acquaintance type response? Or truthfully a normal response for someone you talk to all the time. Not someone you haven’t talked to in a week.

I asked if he could chat tonight. I don’t know what kind of closure I’m looking for, but I need it. I need some kind of closure from this shit.

I feel really stuck right now. Not moving backwards but definitely not moving forwards. My heart is stuck with him, my idea of a friendship is still stuck and yet I’m not happy with how it is because it has left me feeling uneasy or not cared about or other things I don’t care to admit.

But I don’t know why, it’s like I need to hear something to force me to move on. I need him to just be a jerk or an ass or tell me he is dating someone or tell me he doesn’t and will never think of me again in that way.

Something has to change because I can’t be stuck here anymore.  I can’t keep feeling this way.

Please just let me and my heart move forward.

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