Posts Tagged ‘fights’

I wanted today’s post to be all happy and wonderful, with a new month, a new (birthday year) and all. Full of delicious Thanksgiving eats, beautiful wood hikes and happy one year anniversary thoughts. But instead, as usual, I have to write exactly what’s on my mind. And really what’s creating this awful pit in my stomach.

It all started on Wednesday when I got a call to my work from the dog walker at 3:00pm. I pick up and from the tone of her voice I knew something was wrong.

No one went to walk Bentley today she says.

What? He was put in the crate at 7:30am, it’s 3:00pm and you were supposed to have been there twice today?

She’s so sorry she says. A mishap between her team and schedules.

He’s been locked in a crate for over 7 hours without a bathroom break then?

I call the Husband and wake him out of sleep and he runs down to his crate. I can hear Bentley crying through the phone. The husband takes him outside quickly and says he actually appears to just be happy to be around him, and somehow, maybe because he hadn’t had water or food all day – he held it and didn’t mess his crate.

I get home Wednesday night upset and feeling awful for the poor puppy. Then I start getting anxious about the next few days of events. I don’t know why because I love seeing and spending time with my family, but I always get overly anxious near holidays with my family – the planning, the driving, trying to make everyone happy and now dealing with the puppy – can sometimes just send my anxiety through the roof.

So Thanksgiving morning the husband, Bentley and I start driving to his parents where he’ll stay in the crate for a few hours while we are at my Grandfather’s. And then we started to fight.

The sad thing is, I honestly cannot for the life of me, remember what started the fight.

All I know is not even a few miles down from our house we were screaming at each other. Saying nasty mean things. Voices getting louder and louder not even saying truthful things anymore, just saying things to hurt each other for a solid 10 minutes.

And then I turn around to a whimper and I see Bentley in the back seat. He looks at me, with sad helpless eyes, and saliva streaming down the sides of his mouth. Something is wrong, very wrong.

I immediately stop the fight, Jim stops the car and we turn around in time to see Bentley start throwing up. Twice he throws up all the while looking at us with those sad eyes.

He normally loves the car. What he clearly doesn’t love is his parents screaming at each other.

The rest of the weekend was in fact, pretty nice. The husband and I immediately regretted the fight and the words that were said. I held Bentley for the rest of the car ride, then we let him off leash to run around the Husband’s parent’s acres of backyard before feeding him a hot dog out of guilt. He seemed to easily forget the car ride. Us, not so much.

Later that night Bentley had Pesto, my cousin’s French bull-dog, sleep over. They didn’t stop playing for 24 hours straight.

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He went on 3 hikes through the woods. Friday morning with Pesto, Saturday morning with me around the 1.8 loop and then on Sunday, with me around the 1.8 mile loop plus the .4 mile climb to the summit. He played and ran along happily.

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And the husband on Sunday morning, our one year wedding anniversary, came home from work at 5am with a card, a framed wedding photo and a 1 year Christmas ornament. Thoughtful and loving. Sure makes that fight seem damn silly now. It really made us wonder how people can fight like that, often, in front of kids.

But even so, I just can’t get Bentley’s face out of my mind. The helpless, sad, slobbering face I saw as a I turned around in that car. The sickening pit in my stomach that keeps making its presence known.

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The Husband and I promised Bentley one thing. One thing that I without a doubt, know I’ll hold true to. That will not happen again anywhere near him.

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Surprise! B and I got into a nasty fight last night.

At first I was shocked when I got into work, how everything escalated so quickly, but then I’m not really. We do this, we go in circles. Except this time I don’t think the circle will continue.

I should have seen it coming with my moods recently. I should have known I’d pick a fight.

And maybe I exploded. And maybe it seems out of nowhere to him. But for me, I finally let it out.

Yes we care about each other. But you know what? I’m tired of making excuses for him. In the last year he has been selfish, he has hurt my feelings countless times, and he hasn’t been a friend when I need him to be. I wouldn’t tolerate the way he treats me from anyone else, so why have I let it be OK with him?

Funny but the actual dinner was nice. The war started via text after (which is always just fantastic). And I woke up this morning feeling angry and frustrated because I didn’t say what I needed to say. I didn’t say that this argument has been a year in the making but last night that small irritation sent it spiraling.

But this morning he gave me that opportunity. First with this text, “Do I need to worry about getting all my belongings back? Because I am.”

Luckily it was only seconds of my fury building as a result of that asshole text before the second text came through, “Also, I have to know, before this whole fight last night, would you have said, ‘I don’t feel like ur the person I knew’ ” [something I had said in my final text last night]

I know the gear text was his immature way of re-opening conversation, of showing his anger and being an a$$.

So finally FINALLY for the first time since we have broken up I said it all. I was always so fearful of losing our friendship if I was truly honest with him, and I may have now but you know what? I’m tired.

I said how shitty it was that we broke up over the phone while he was across the country and he came home “so upset” but didn’t even try to have a conversation in person with me about it.

I said how shitty some of his tactless comments were after our breakup. Or that packed in the gear I’m borrowing for my Patagonia trip? 5 condoms. That he didn’t mean to leave in there.

How on his birthday I took him to a nice dinner and got him a nice card and he was so thankful because no one else did anything for him on that day. But on my birthday? I got a “Happy Birthday text”.

How when he knew I went to a funeral two weeks ago he just said he was thinking of me but never asked who it was, what happened, if I was OK or needed to talk.

How when he found out my beach house was sold (he’s the one person outside my family who truly understands what that place means to me) I got a text that was basically “it’ll be ok”. Not do you need to talk, not a call, not a follow-up.

That every time I’m mad or upset, he manipulates it into me being the wrong one and somehow I find myself letting whatever it was I was mad about or upset about go.

So yes, he isn’t the same person I knew last year. This past year I have made excuse after excuse for him. I don’t even know why. Pride? To not let go? To make it seem like I’m stronger to everyone around me? But I told him that yes, last night’s fight I exploded, but it was a year in the making.

He hasn’t said a word back.

So fuck you B. Fuck You.

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