Posts Tagged ‘guilty feelings’

So my staycation was nice. Oddly though, it didn’t feel nearly as long, or fulfilling as I expected it to. There was no pedicure, or sleeping in (unless you count 7:05am), or writing of my wedding thank yous or working out (in the traditional sense). Womp womp.

There was a lot of Starbucks, quality time with Bentley (lots of reservation walks), catching up on some TV (the Voice, Biggest Loser, Parenthood, Reign) and extra time with the Husband. I think of all the days, my two favorite were Friday and Sunday at the end of my staycation – when I was the busiest.

A few highlights…

Sunday the Husband and I took Bentley to puppy kindergarten where he had a blast playing with his puppy friends and learning some new commands.

Monday morning the Husband and I got up early and headed to the outlets. We scheduled the dog walker to come a couple of times during the day so we knew we could easily be out from 9am to 2:30pm. It was actually really nice to split up, do some shopping and then get back together and have lunch. After heading home we picked up Bentley and drove out to my in-laws house for the afternoon. We let Bentley run around their 5 acre backyard for an hour or so (my in-laws, once not “dog people” have started to love him!) and had a nice home-cooked dinner with them. Once home, Bentley was zonked so he went upstairs to bed and the Husband and I finally had some alone, alone time. 😉

Fast forward and Friday was a great day. I scheduled the dog walker again to come (Husband worked the overnight on Thursday so needed to sleep Friday day). I left the house around 9am after a reservation walk and some command practice with Bentley, got myself some Starbucks, and hit up the Gap and a couple other stores nearby for shopping. Then I drove into the city and had a delicious lunch with a friend overlooking the water on her lunch break. I headed home, had some cuddle time with the Husband and Bentley, and then headed back out to have a warm catch-up dinner with my best friend J. We ended up getting a table right next to the fireplace and it was amazing to spend 3 hours just talking with her.

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Sunday morning we got up early and headed to puppy kindergarten. Maybe because some people had a 3 day weekend and went away but we (and the trainer) were the only ones who showed. It was actually nice since we got a private session and worked on recall and drop-it with the sole focus on Bentley. We’re apparently spoiling Bentley a little too much and it’s time that he lives in our world, instead of the vice versa. Now at 28lbs and only 3 and a half months, I think we’re going to have a big strong boy on our hands. After kindergarten we met up for a very short walk with my friend S, who got to meet Bentley for the first time. Then we came home, watched a little football (…I napped on the Husband) and then the Husband and Bentley went out to his parents for the evening. In a three-hour span without Bentley I was able to pick up the house, take out the garbage, Swiffer, vacuum, clean off the deck, do a load of laundry, upload my wedding pictures to FB, unload the dishwasher and Clorox the bathroom. It felt friggan amazing.

Shortly after my cleaning frenzy I headed back into the city to meet up with four of my friends for dinner. It was so nice to catch-up with everyone and eat, eat, eat! I was home late, and in bed shortly after.

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If I’m being my honest blog self…

I loved having time off, but life has changed so much since we got Bentley. With him still being a puppy, and me now living in the suburbs a good 30 minutes from friends, it’s no longer easy to just run out of the house for hours or meet up with friends at last-minute. Everything needs to be planned and coordinated. I found at times having a little FOMO when I knew my friends were getting together and I wasn’t. And because I had time off, I felt guilty putting Bentley in his crate over spending time together. I had envisioned getting to lay on the couch and relax, watch TV, or go for long runs last week in addition to spending time with Bentley and none of that really happened. But even when TV/couch time sort of did happen, I wasn’t all that happy. I was actually my happiest on my busiest days, the ones I highlighted, when I got to spend time with the husband, people, Bentley, get out of the house and do things, and feel “productive”.

I love Bentley with all my heart, I really do, but I also dealt with guilty and embarrassed (“I’m a failure and sound dramatic so can’t talk to anyone about this) feelings over being overwhelmed with Bentley. I think it was Tuesday when I only left the house to go to the trails with him and after a full day with him alone I just about lost it (husband worked, had his power-lifting class, then went back to work). If I had to say drop it or no bites one more time I think I would have pulled my hair out. I craved time alone, time with adults, even work just to get out of the house and have a break.

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Part of this process I think is me learning to also ask for my time too. The Husband has his power-lifting class on Tuesday and Thursday evenings. No ifs ands or buts, I watch Bentley those evenings alone. He also has season tickets to the Patriots games so many Sundays when he is at the games all day with friends, Bentley is also all mine to care for. While most Tuesday and Wednesday mornings I head to the gym at 5:50am leaving the Husband in charge of the puppy until late evening (or when the dog walker comes) there isn’t an evening where I have felt it’s OK to ask the Husband to take on Bentley alone until last week. I’m not really sure why, it wasn’t the Husband’s doing by any means, I’ve putting the pressure on myself to always be there for Bentley when I’m not at work.

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On a side note, it has definitely made me really think about planning for a baby… and how I should probably target my (no time soon) maternity leave around a time when the weather is nice enough to go outside with a newborn (not too hot, not too cold) and find a new mom’s group or something or I may actually go insane.

I think overall, I’m such a better “puppy mom” and person when I have time each day to do other things, be around adults and be productive. I absolutely love spending a few hours with Bentley, hitting the trails, training and cuddling – but I need more than that to be happy. I need to work. I need to see my friends and family. I need to enjoy a quiet dinner with the husband. I need to get a few workouts in each week. I need to spend 20 minutes, alone, in a hot shower without being interrupted.

But overall, I just need to keep working on accepting that it’s OK to feel this way and it’s also OK to say it out loud. 

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