Posts Tagged ‘happiness’

I’m in a weird state of wanting and having so many things to write about – but somehow I just haven’t made the time. I have a feeling in a few weeks I may be writing a lot more again.

I’m currently 33 weeks and 2 days pregnant. Holy moly time flies when you’re pregnant. I’m officially in the getting uncomfortable stage. There are still moments/hours where I forget I’m pregnant (seriously, sometimes I feel so normal) but now there are more and more moments (usually at night) where I feel very much pregnant. I can’t always catch my breath, can’t get comfortable, piercing back pains (mid and upper back, not lower like I expected), hip pain, feeling super hungry then super full, and lots of tossing and turning at night.

I’m also sort of over all the pregnancy comments and advice at this point. I take it all in stride, and truthfully it’ll probably only get worse once I have a newborn but it’s funny how much and what people comment about. The amount of people who will negatively comment about what I choose to not eat/drink it so surprising (I guess I expected it the other way, people telling me not to eat or drink things versus questioning when I don’t). It’s funny because I know people who have gone on such restrictive diets – be in juice cleanses, paleo, whole30, whatever the case to lose weight (in a healthy or even not so healthy way) and choose not to eat things because it doesn’t make them feel good or impacts them in some way (the amount of dairy free, gluten-free, caffeine free, etc. friends I have has I swear doubled) – and yet when I say no, sorry, I’m not drinking any alcohol, no I’m not eating lunch meats, etc. it becomes almost an argument. “you really can’t have any? Would once really be that bad? Is this little bit of cheese really going to do anything?” It’s like…giving up some unpasteurized cheese, runny eggs, or a glass of wine for 9 months – is nothing compared to making sure this is a healthy baby that I don’t hurt in any way shape or form. More than ever I care about what I am putting into my body because it’s not just about me. At the same time too, I would never ever judge anyone for what they decide to do or not do when pregnant. I would never, ever forgive myself it anything happened as a result of that one time. If they comfortable doing something – it’s their body and their baby – it’s not something I would ever comment on! I mean… do you know how many nights in a row I have eaten rocky road ice cream? Maybe someone should comment on that, ha. 🙂

I have these moments where I feel so lucky, blessed and excited (borderline impatient) for this little girl to arrive. Then to be honest I am having more and more moments of fear. It’s so soon! I just can’t fathom how things will change. How the Husband and I will change, how it won’t just be “us” anymore, how it will impact Bentley, how tired I’ll be, if I’ll feel alone at all, what if I don’t feel the immediate connection with her and I’m not a “natural” mom? What if I completely feel lost and depressed by staying home for 14 weeks – and not working – something I have done since the age of 13 without break. What if I take out my tired/frustration/fears on the Husband and we totally crumble? What if all we can talk about – to each other and everyone else – is diapers and poop and babies?

Things with Bentley have been a little crazy over the past few weeks – but somehow I think it all worked out for the best. Long story short, we got a call two weeks or so ago that right after Bentley was dropped at his daycare, he bit another dog. Apparently a dog was jumping on him, the owner saw Bentley growl at the dog, the dog kept jumping on him and Bentley turned his head and bit the dog. He bit her right on the head so it caused an open gash and that dog had to go to the vet. Unfortunately, the daycare owner said he just can’t watch the dogs that closely – and that Bentley seems to want to be able to have personal space throughout the day at different times and since this is one open room for 30 dogs, that doesn’t work and unfortunately now that he has bitten another dog, he just isn’t allowed to return. In other words, my dog got expelled!

I had some immediate reactions when I got the call. First, like a failed parent, I felt embarrassed. Then upset. Then, and maybe I’m rationalizing it, a little annoyed. I mean he admitted to seeing Bentley show a warning sign – and still did not separate them. Then totally overwhelmed – we were about to go away to a wedding in Baltimore the week after, and where would he stay if not at his normal daycare? Then I took action, as fast as I could. First the Husband picked him up, and the owner reiterated the story – and apparently seemed sad about it since they like him and he’s been going there for a year now, but quickly we started realizing – maybe he doesn’t love it as much as we thought. And maybe a place with that many dogs and no personal space isn’t the best place for him anyway, especially with his aloof shepherd qualities. And so I quickly found an alternative for boarding – a place actually closer to us that my Aunt brings her two dogs (who would also be boarded at the same time since she and my uncle were coming to the same wedding). In the end Bentley had his own kennel and run, and was taken out twice a day to play with his Westie cousin dogs, and walked by the Mom and daughter who own the place. He got rave reviews and came home happy and exhausted.

In terms of a daycare – I think we are realizing – maybe he doesn’t need 3+ days of daycare a week. Instead, we have found a new place that he is doing a trial at today, also closer to home, where we can bring him if he likes it maybe 1x a week just to get his zoomies out and keep him socialized. I was completely honest with the woman about what happened at the previous daycare and so they will begin with “day boarding” – where he gets his own room, toys, and will be taken out on 5 short walks a day and will meet dogs one by one through a fence or in the play yard if they see it as a good fit. If he enjoys being around the other dogs, then he will join playtime with a maximum group of 7 dogs with the same temperament. All dogs have “nap/quiet time” in their own rooms from 12:30-2:30 which I think is a good break for him anyway. So we’ll see how it goes. Overall reducing his daycare will save us a couple hundred a month!

I have to admit, one of the best things about keeping him home – while it makes me feel bad that he sits in the house on my non WFH days from about 11am-6pm alone – is that the Husband and I are actually spending more quality time with him. He used to come home from daycare so utterly exhausted he would go up to the bed and sleep. Now we play more outside (he loves to sprint through the yard, but only if we are outside watching), we’re doing tricks and training again at night – lots of puzzles, he seems to enjoy being in the house more and is almost always by our sides, and he’s already being a bit more social with people when they come over. It only takes about 10-15 minutes of sprints outside to completely exhaust him, something I can easily do in the mornings before work and at night when I get home. To be honest, I forgot how much fun I have when we play and do training, and most of the time, he seems content to just be around us.

I’m going through a strange phase at work. One minute I’m pushing hard, focused, and getting so much done (I think preparing to be out) and then moments of pure impatience, frustration with little things, and just wanting to get to the point where I’m going out on leave. I know I will want to go out feeling like I got everything I could done, so I need to spend the next few weeks really focusing on work.

I’m also going through a phase where I really want to make an effort to make plans and spend time with friends and family while I can – but more specifically – positive people who also make an effort too. I’m sort of tired of trying so hard when it’s not reciprocated or leaving hangouts feeling negative or mentally exhausted and drained, especially when I have some new (well not new, but not my regular core group) making a good effort to see me. I have dinner with a handful of girlfriends this Wednesday, dinner with two old college friends who I don’t see often but one is about a month behind me in her pregnancy, on Thursday, a full day of brunch and my sister’s dance show on Saturday with my Mom, my Mother-in-law, Sister-in-law and two family friends, then mid next week dinner with my old boss and coworker. I’m also trying to keep some time free on weekends for organizing and cleaning in preparation of the baby. The Husband and I also have a full Saturday birthing class coming up, as well as a night where we tour/go through the practice triage process in the hospital, a friend’s birthday that I’m hoping to spend some time with her celebrating, my baby shower later this month (with a few college friends making it a big girls sleepover weekend – the highlight of my month!), and more. I think January is going to fly by!

Funny story, the Husband and I had a wedding down in Baltimore over New Year’s Eve. It was actually so fun, even at 8 months pregnant and sober, and I loved getting all the extra family time for the few days (with moments of course of I NEED SPACE). My cousin, who was the one getting married, actually shares a friend with B (yes, that B). Ironically, this friend and his wife are pregnant, so my cousin sat them at our table, also with my sister and cousins. Somehow they ended up sitting right next to the Husband. I didn’t actually put two and two together until halfway through dinner – and I never said anything to him or anyone about it. What is sort of funny about it though is that there were SO many glasses on the table (4 per person, plus any glasses people brought with their own drinks from the bar) so when the husband sat down at one point he hit a champagne glass that went flying and COVERED this guy (he might as well have thrown it directly in his face). He took it very nicely, and I could tell the Husband felt so bad (but at 230lbs, 6’3 and a regular bull in a china shop he just can’t be near that many glasses). I have no idea if he connected who I was, but hopefully he doesn’t think it was on purpose. Well, actually I don’t really care as I’ll never see them again. 😉

My dreams lately when I do sleep, are crazy. I think my fears and anxieties are coming into play in my sleep because I have had countless dreams of fighting with friends, including a fist fight with my best friend from home (which is hilarious to think about in real life because it would never, ever happen). A number of dreams and scenarios of the Husband either cheating on me (and me seeing it, ugh) or him not paying attention to me and me feeling really sad and alone. It doesn’t take much to see what my dreams are getting at, but man I wish they would stop. As it is I’m practically an insomniac at this point and when I do sleep, to wake up feeling like crap after a dream like that really isn’t fun.

Somehow over the Holiday time off the Husband and I watched 4 movies. Gone Girl, the Good Lie, the Equalizer and This is Where I leave You. I read Gone Girl so had been dying to see it, but as always the case, it just wasn’t as good as the book. I swear in the book they did a better job of making you hate them equally, while in the movie, you have far more hate towards the wife. The Husband also figured out the plot far earlier than I did in the book – be it his detective skills or the hints were just easier to pick up on. The Good Lie was a great movie, based off the Lost Boys from Sudan and it definitely made us remember how damn lucky we are in America and with what we have. The Equalizer was silly – the Husband liked it because it was Denzel and it was a revenge type of movie – it was predictable but entertaining. This is Where I Leave You was my favorite and just my type of movie. The kind that is a little dark, funny, makes you laugh/cry and sort of is just an honest look at regular life and being an adult.

I think from now on I may just write more. My posts may not be put together, grammatically correct, or even make any coherent sense – but I miss writing so much. I miss pouring out my thoughts, memories and experiences even if they are just for me to reread one day.

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Saying goodbye to my 20’s is a strange thing. I wish I could say some profound statement about my 20’s but I can’t seem to put things into words the way I used to.

I’m a firm believer that every year gets better and better. Even the so-called “tough” years are still learning experiences where I find that I look back and still think of them as some of my best years.

When I do look back, it’s easy to review my 20’s and pull out some monumental moments each year.

2005: Age 20:

  • Living abroad in Hobart, Tasmania
  • The rest is sort of hazy… it was my senior year of college!

2006: Age 21:

  • Graduating from college
  • Moving to Boston with a group of college friends
  • Getting my first apartment with my cousin
  • Getting my first real job

2007: Age 22:

  • Switching jobs and career paths completely
  • Travelling to Ecuador with friends (and dumbly going waterfall repelling with inexperienced guides…and coming home with a parasite)
  • Breaking up with my boyfriend of 5 years
  • Moving into an apartment by myself in Fenway
  • Starting my master’s program
  • Being single and dating for the first time

2008: Age 23:

  • I’d be lying if 23 wasn’t mostly about B. I met him just after my 23rd birthday.
  • Falling in love, real love – all consuming, bring out the best in you, can’t get enough – love.
  • Travelling to Mexico with friends
  • Running my first ever road race, a St. Patrick’s Day 5k
  • Moving again, still in Fenway
  • Getting promoted at work

2009: Age 24:

  • Travelling to Nova Scotia with B
  • Travelling to Paris with a group of 5 girlfriends
  • Getting promoted at work again
  • Moving, again still in Fenway
  • Experiencing my first heartbreak. Utter soul-crushing heartbreak. I still think this was one of the best experiences of my life.

2010: Age 25:

  • Travelling to Mexico with my family
  • Travelling to Ireland with B (as friends)
  • Graduating from my master’s program
  • Getting promoted at work again
  • Starting this blog
  • Training and finishing my first triathlon
  • Taking up boxing

2011: Age 26:

2012: Age 27:

  • Getting engaged to the Husband and planning a wedding
  • Moving in with the Husband and moving to South Boston
  • Travelling to Toronto with a group of girlfriends

2013: Age 28:

  • Getting married to the Husband
  • Spending a week straight in St. Lucia with the Husband
  • Switching jobs, same company but completely different and new career path
  • Moving again, this time out to the burbs
  • Adopting Bentley!

2014: Age 29:

The thing is, these monumental moments truly were wonderful and some of what I’m most thankful for in my life. But just as important are all the little moments throughout the past 10 years, good and bad. The summer nights spent laughing at the beach with my girlfriends each summer. The heartache but coming together of my family when my grandmother passed away or when we sold the beach house. The night of my birthday celebration, the one where B had just broken my heart, and staying in with a handful of girlfriends in a hotel room while I just cried and cried and they just listened. The feeling of my confidence, self-worth and independence growing as I trained for my first triathlon. The (many) 3am nights of last-minute paper writing to complete my master’s program. The joy, laughter and tears while watching so many friends get married. The fear but excitement of picking up Bentley and learning to care for and adjust to having my first dog. The hours of arguments or not seeing eye to eye with the Husband – to get us to a place where we still aren’t perfect, but we communicate so much better. The feeling of coming home and snuggling with my Husband, Bentley and my growing baby bump.

Life is damn good. Life is magical, and I truly mean that. The good and bad – it’s gotten me to this point. I wouldn’t take any of it back.

I can’t imagine, and I can’t wait to see what my 30’s bring. Happy 30th to me!

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Tuesday afternoon I treated myself to a prenatal massage. I was a little nervous not knowing exactly what to expect and if it would be comfortable or not and was surprised to see that I was still lying face down for the first part – just on top of a bunch of pillows with a sort of belly area in the middle. The first half of the massage was pretty good, although without her being able to put pressure on my lower back (where my pain is right now) it was less pain/muscle soreness reducing and more relaxing. About 20 minutes in, I was practically in a sleep state when I felt the softest flutter in my stomach. The only way to explain it is like butterfly wings moving down the inside my stomach for just a second. In my head I immediately thought, oh my God I feel the baby, but seeing as this is my first, wasn’t really sure. The massage continued on, and while I love a good massage, I’ll be honest and say I’m not sure it was worth the money in the end. Anyway, last night as I was going to bed, about 20 minutes after trying to fall asleep and just lying there, the flutter happened again. Just once, and so softly, but I swear I felt it. I don’t think I have felt it since though…

Tuesday night while Husband and I were grilling dinner (buying that grill has been the best purchase ever) I was playing with Bentley. At one point I had a stick in my hand and was pretending to throw it so he was running while looking at me and BAM into the deep end (10 feet deep) of the pool he fell. Now I know what everyone is thinking – dogs can swim – all dogs can swim – but I swear mine can’t. We have tried to get him to slowly go into ponds, oceans, etc. and he’ll wade but whenever he gets deep he sort of panics and thrashes versus swimming. So he fell in and I immediately went over to see him bobbing under and above water with his butt and back legs completely sinking. I pulled him out and he shook himself off and then went playing along and…I cried. He’s shown no interest in the pool but the idea of him falling in really freaks me out. The next warm day I’m taking a page from Caesar Milan and getting in the pool with him and showing him how to get out via the steps at the shallow end. Last night he kept trying to get out of the side but the water isn’t high enough, and I worry after 10 minutes of that … who knows.

I’m loving our house. I still don’t quite feel settled or unpacked by any means, but the progress between the renovations being done and the painting is amazing.

I’m ridiculously into the show Big Brother. It’s a show that has apparently been on for like 10+ years and I have never once watched an episode until this year and somehow I found myself hooked. It’s so stupid and silly and yet… it’s the one summer show I’m watching.

When we got married and got all our wedding presents, aside from gifts cards, rather than take them to our apartment at the time, we kept them at my in-laws. We have just started bringing them all over to our house and OMG it’s like Christmas! All new dishes, pots, pans, grill set, pillows, and more.

Tall decaf non-fat cappuccino with one pump cinnamon dulce…oh my word delicious. My new favorite drink that I can pretend is caffeinated.

I am finally starting to feel like a human again. Happy, energized, excited, and (mostly) non-nauseated!

90’s on 9 (satellite radio) or Spotify best of the 90’s playlist = sure fire way to find me singing and dancing as I apparently know the lyrics of every damn 90’s song.

This is my first weekend in months that I am home, I have minimal plans (aside from a shopping date with a friend and my first haircut in 7 months). TGIF.

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It’s been so long since I have been able to write.

I had the most amazing, most relaxing, most wonderful week in paradise with all the girls on my Mom’s side.






I came home content, content with life, not having any crazy fitness goals right now, just focusing on having great days and enjoying every day.

Right before my trip my Husband and I made a decision. For some time now, I’d say since December or so we’ve talked seriously about wanting a family. But we kept thinking ok now isn’t the perfect time because so and so is getting married, or this or that is happening, or we have to do that. But right before going to STT we both realized, it’s the perfect time for us. For us emotionally, financially, and job-wise. Sure we may have to alter some social plans but we both are ready and we both want to take this step.

So I got so excited, went out and got an ovulation kit to start to understand my body a little more and we thought, let’s get trying. Quickly I realized though, my ovulation time was while in STT (almost comical, I would be fertile at earliest the Saturday there and at latest the end of the week there). So we didn’t think anything of it really, and decided to try the month later and just have fun until then.

Well I came home and sadly he got called into work for that full Saturday I got home. I actually had a great day though – I relaxed the full day and caught up on shows and played with Bentley who I had missed so, so, so much. On Sunday I decided, hell I’ll take an LH test (I got the cheapo ones from CVS) and I got a positive. So we had a fun afternoon in bed, pretty relaxed and then headed to dinner with his family for Mother’s day.

See I trusted the test strips more than my gut. My gut knew, with only a week until my period it was highly unlikely I was ovulating or about to. Also without going into TMI, I get some clues when I ovulate, and I got those clues while in STT. But then I got caught up in it and then began the “TWW” or two-week-wait.

Long story short, three negative pregnancy tests later (umm hello it would have been too early anyway), hopes for morning sickness and amidst house-hunting and fantasizing about our family and what not yesterday I got my period. It wasn’t until I was sobbing in the car on the way home that I realized how much hope I had this month. PMS hormones and caffeine withdrawal (I had dropped from my venti blonde roast x3 a day to just 8 ounces to be safe) probably didn’t help my mental state. I was a complete and utter mess. At least the Husband was far more sympathetic than I expected (I think he was actually sad too) and was helpful in keeping a positive mindset around it all.

Today I feel a bit better. It’s a fresh month. I can spend this month eating healthy, working out, taking pre-natals, and overall really starting to prep my body. When my period ends, we’ll just have to have more fun trying this month (i.e. every other day through the month, ha!) The truth is, we’re young, healthy, I’ve been off birth control for over a year now, I have regular periods, and we’re just starting to try so it’s fun and exciting in so many ways. I mean this is it, after years and years of “don’t get pregnant don’t get pregnant” we are officially trying.

It’s so easy to get excited about the end goal, but this time, I really want to enjoy the process. Every second of it.

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I’m thankful I had such a fabulous last weekend. A fun Friday night dinner with girlfriends. A full day barbecuing with the husband, friends, and a new baby on Saturday. Easter was with the Husband’s side of the family, celebrating my in law’s birthdays, running around with Bentley in their huge yard and talking the details of our late summer Cape Cod family trip. So much quality family and friend time.

And Marathon Monday. Monday, oh Monday I’m so thankful for how you turned out. I took it as a vacation day. It was a gorgeous day. 6+ hours camped by the fences with friends and my sister, watching the marathoners and cheering for friends and any stranger with their name on their shirt running by. It was emotional, in many ways (I was an ugly crier much of the day), and now marathon Monday feels like a positive day again. And I think I’ve officially decided…one day I really do want to run a marathon. Just one.


I’m loving how attached Bentley has been lately. I joke that it’s annoying, but as soon I’m cooking dinner in the kitchen, he will come in with a toy, smash against me and when I don’t give in and play, he runs out, gets another toy, and tries again. It’s kind of the cutest thing ever.


Almost as cute as this.


After reading it for a long time on blogs, I finally tried cooking oatmeal in coffee last night, packed it up and took it to work this morning. Reheated with a little vanilla almond milk and shredded coconut, holy favorite breakfast.



I’m really thankful I get to sleep with the Husband. I joke about us trying to figure out how to share the bed nightly after years of being together, the fact that he sometimes snores (and maybe always has and I didn’t know?), talks in his sleep, smashes his pillows in my face (like nightly, seriously) etc. but really, I love it. I love purposely putting my cold feet in-between his legs right as he gets into bed. I love talking, and giggling, and pretending to steal the covers from each other as we fall asleep. I’m thankful that when Bentley sometimes wakes up in the middle of the night with stomach issues (no more whipped cream or ham for that buddy), the Husband hops out of bed to take him out. Most of all, I love waking up in the morning to our sun filled bedroom with him right next to me. It’s that intimacy that I always craved and missed, and now we have it. It’s no guarantee it’s forever, so I’m appreciating and loving every night of it.

I’m thankful that in just over a week I’m heading to St. Thomas with all the women in my family! I know I’m going to miss the husband and Bentley dearly, but… I CAN’T WAIT. SUN. SLEEP. SAND.

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I had a long conversation with my Mom on Tuesday. It’s funny actually, in the past few years, especially since getting married I tend to go to the Husband for almost everything but, there are still times when I need my Mom. She asked exactly what everyone else has been asking. Well, in her therapist like Mom way.

Why are you doing the half-ironman?
For a number of reasons I said, first for fun, second for fitness and third it’s something I’ve always had in the back of my mind to do in my lifetime.

Well, are you having fun?
The answer was no. For a few months now, it’s obviously clear I’ve been struggling. Workouts that should be fun became a chore. Training somehow always became lowest priority. Anxiety and stress was always looming. I found myself so moody and negative when thinking of the months ahead. The whole point was to enjoy the next few months as much as possible before trying to expand our family, and I feel like we’re now in the opposite place. I’m wishing away the time.

Are you getting fit?
Yes, although I’m not losing weight because I’m stress eating. I keep wanting to try to change around my diet but keep fearing of messing with my training. But endurance and strength wise, I’m doing really well. I would regret stopping training in all ways or not doing something with my training.

Is this the only time in your life you think you can do a half-ironman?
No, it’s not. I hope it’s not at least. I have future fitness goals of all sorts.. a half ironman… a marathon…short races post baby like 5ks and 10ks. I want to do it all for the rest of my life.

And so the answer became a bit more clear. I’m not doing the half-ironman this year.

I am signed up and doing a triathlon at the end of June in its place, when my Mom will actually be home from Alaska and plans to come watch. A race that is 4 miles from my in-laws meaning everyone can come watch, and then we can all go to a celebratory breakfast after.

I don’t know if I’ll regret this decision. I just know that right now, I don’t. I feel relief. I feel happiness. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me. Something in my gut kept saying now isn’t the time – some fear, not even about physically finishing but more so the risks involved – and it wouldn’t go away. And so now, I feel pretty pumped about competing in a regular triathlon. One that with my recent training, I’m actually excited to crush in comparison to any tri I’ve done before.

The hardest part, or so I thought would be, was telling everyone. Each conversation I felt like a failure when I started to explain that I’ve dropped out this year. Yet each time, friends and family were unbelievably understanding and all reminded me of the same thing – if I’m doing it for fun, and it’s not fun, it’s defeating the purpose. It’s been sort of  a “duh” moment really.

This Saturday I’m going on an early morning ride with two girlfriends. Then this Sunday I have my duathlon. Then a few weeks of training, training that I’m actually really excited to do, and training that won’t be taking over my life, before crushing this June triathlon. In the meantime, I want to just enjoy the next few months. I want to go St. Thomas with all the women in my family in May and lay on the beach, eat, drink, and get a few workouts in – relaxing in the best possible way. I want to eat healthier. I want to spend time with the Husband and friends. I want to make plans at last-minute, I want to sleep in, I want to have a glass of wine or two without feeling guilty. There’s a real possibility we want to start trying to expand our family this summer, and more than ever, I need to be honest with myself about how I want to spend my time.

So here’s to the next few months – enjoying life and being true to myself.

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Our plan Friday night was to go home and veg and that didn’t quite happen. As I walked to the train I ran into the Husband’s best friend’s wife who mentioned she and her husband (who also happen to live a few miles from us) were around that night and wondering if we wanted to do dinner. We ended up going to this delicious small Italian restaurant near our homes that is BYOB. 4 hours, a ton of pasta, 3 bottles of wine, and frozen yogurt filled with toppings by a tipsy person (me), we were back at home. It was a super fun night, full of giggle fits. It felt like for the first time in weeks that I was really letting go. I swear the New England winter this year really got me down, and that all just seemed to disappear on Friday night.

Saturday morning I headed over to my friend’s new condo for brunch with a few girls from college. One, who now lives in New York, is 5 months pregnant so it was fun to see her and ask her all sorts of inappropriate and awkward pregnant questions that she willing answered over a delicious egg casserole. I won’t lie, my baby fever hit hard after talking with her. She’s having a great pregnancy, aside from being a little tired the first trimester, she’s glowing, happy, excited, gained maybe 8lbs (I swear just in her chest) and just sounds so happy and thankful to be pregnant.

Saturday afternoon the Husband and I drove about 35 minutes with Bentley to a dog park that we heard rave reviews about. We normally steer clear of dog parks, at least the smaller fenced in kinds, and stick to hiking trails that allow dogs. This one though is a huge open hill area, with a short loop around it, surrounded by water. It was wonderful. It must have been 60 degrees and sunny, and we just walked around as Bentley played with all sorts of dogs (except small ones… when really small dogs bark or snarl at him he whines and runs away). He made besties with a great dane the size of a horse and a pitbull and I made besties with a 7lb cavalier puppy and a 5 month old golden puppy that just wanted to rub against my legs. We even got Bentley to try out the water for the first time and it was far more successful than I imagined. He didn’t swim per say, but he loved racing around in and out of the water and a few times we tricked him by throwing rocks into the water. We all left covered in mud, smiling and on a vitamin D high.




Post beach day.

Post beach day.

Sunday morning I was up early, running around to CVS looking for tape and more wrapping paper as the bridal shower gift I got was HUGE and I was having a hell of a time wrapping it. Around 11 I was off, and spent a good deal of the afternoon at the shower. To be honest, it’s not my favorite thing to spend a day at a bridal shower, especially when I only knew 3 people there, but I sat with my Mother-in-Law and chatted for a while and played along with games and present opening and made the best of it.


I was home sometime after 4 and the husband and I ordered take-out (someone take away the pasta from me, please!) and proceeded to watch a marathon of the walking dead episodes. It was so nice to sit on the couch with the windows open, fresh air blowing in, Bentley snoozing at our feet and just relaxing. Somewhere in there too I made one hell of a chocolate chip ice cream sandwich. I should have gotten into bed early, but oh well, we stayed up to finish season 3 until almost midnight. It was worth it!


I actually feel refreshed today. Happy. Excited. And SO THANKFUL that it’s warm and sunny.

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Something Becelisa commented on one of my last posts hit hard. “it’s all perspective and the challenge is to recognize the positive in where you are now. because one day way too soon today will become just another memory of how things used to be. and trust me … you’ll long for the memory of what it was.”

I can’t agree more. In fact it seems to have come at a really coincidental time.

Between reading Caitlin’s post yesterday (I really like what she said about choosing a positive narrative) and watching a documentary called Happy  (I was on a documentary kick and also watched Forks over Knives which is a post for another time) the same themes kept hitting me. I can’t stop thinking about how much of my happiness I control. It’s my narrative and it’s my perspective.

And then if it wasn’t already obvious, I walked into my lunch time Flywheel class and the instructor said today’s class was all about finding joy and being in the present. Not just thinking about that end goal, but being present, even in the difficult times and finding joy and positivity in them.

One study in that documentary talked about how a group of people were exponentially happier after writing down what they were thankful for once a week. And so, cheesy as it may be, I’m going to start having “Things I’m loving/appreciating/thankful for Fridays”…sometimes it might be big serious things, sometimes it might be silly little things.

Things I’m thankful for – Friday, 4/11 

I love taking a flywheel class on Fridays during lunch. The instructor is amazing. She’s full of little anecdotes each class like, “Don’t try, just do”; “Nothing changes if nothing changes”; “Find joy”; “Today I’m a unicorn and I can do anything” (<– the funniest one by far). Her loud and motivating music rocks. She always takes me to my limit, and then makes me push me past it. In 45 minutes I get my best workout all week, and I leave red-faced and on an endorphin high for the rest of the day. Today on the TORQ board (a competition board in class) for the first time, I won every single race!

I love that my job is flexible. For the first time ever I’m in a job where I feel like a true, professional adult. While I can’t completely do away with 9-5 type hours, I do work some off hours when working with other countries so I can give and take a bit to my schedule. I probably put in more hours now, and more efficient hours, but it doesn’t feel like it because some days I can hit the gym during lunch and some days I can catch a 4:50 train home instead of waiting until after 6:00.

I am so thankful that the Husband and I had a huge success with Bentley this week. I’m not sure how much I have posted it before but Bentley is a serious, yet very playful and confident puppy. He loves daycare and socializing with tons of dogs, he loves his dog walker and going on hikes, he is so obedient (yet rambunctious) on off leash hikes with the husband and I, he loves learning new tricks (currently working on “stick ‘em up, bang! you’re dead”), and taking training classes. And yet we (nor the dog walker) could not, I mean could not get Bentley to go for a walk on the leash around our actual neighborhood. I’m talking complete meltdown, whining, thrashing, and trying to army crawl back to the house as fast as possible. Well, on Wednesday night we did it. It wasn’t perfect, there were moments he sort of spazzed, but we slowly made our way around the block, with a surplus of salami and loads of praise for him the whole time. I’d say for about 80% of it his tail was up and he was sort of prancing around. I know it’s not going to be a walk in the park going forward (trust me I tried again last night and we only got 3 houses down before I worried it would become a set back) but it’s a step forward and I’m happy, thankful and so proud. In addition to already being damn amazing, I just know one day he’ll be the perfect running partner.


I’m so thankful that tonight the Husband and I get to sit on the couch together and just relax. He had to go to work at 3:30am today so I know he’ll be exhausted, and after a long work week and a hell of an intense flywheel class, I’m so ready to get delicious Greek take-out and veg alongside him.

I’m thankful I found the perfect dress for the wedding shower I have to attend on Sunday. It sounds silly but between not being thrilled about the current state of my body and the not quite warm enough weather for no tights, I found a ¾ length sleeve dress that is springy and perfect to be comfortable at the shower. It makes going to this shower (someone I’m not close with, yet I’m expected to be there) a lot better!


I’m thankful I quit procrastinating about a few big things this week. For some reason I kept putting off renewing my passport (with my married name) and getting a wedding shower gift for Sunday. On Wednesday I told myself to cut it out, got my new passport picture, filled out the forms, and sent it off expedited so I can 100% get myself to St. Thomas with my family in May (clearly what I’ll be thankful for in a few weeks 🙂 ). I also now don’t have to worry about finding a good gift off the registry at last-minute. Each time I remember that these two things are done, I feel relieved.

The weather. OH THE WEATHER. Thank you mother nature for this spring weather. I couldn’t be happier that we are finally hitting 50’s and 60’s with sun. I feel refreshed, rejuvenated and motivated all because I can step out my door, without shivering and without slipping on ice!

I’m thankful that I can do a half-ironman. That’s just it, that I can do it. I don’t care about my time, I truly don’t. I want to enjoy this experience. So far, the only thing that has been standing in my way has been me. I’m so grateful that I have the money and time to dedicate to something like this. I’m proud that even though my bike hours bump up and up, I keep getting them done. I’m sooo thankful for the endorphin high after my workouts, no matter what my day is like, it’s like a total reset on my mood.

Time to go enjoy this weekend!


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Last night I dreamt of B. Yeah, that B. Oddly I don’t remember the dream, I just know I woke up feeling a deep sadness.

I can’t really remember the last time I talked to him. I know it’s been over 2 years now since an actual conversation. Almost a full year since even a polite “happy birthday” text.

The feeling I woke up with was more nostalgia I guess than sadness. At times I miss how simple life felt back then, and with B. Get in the car and drive to Maine for the weekend. Hop a flight to Canada or Ireland. Meet after work for dinner in the city and stay up until 1am having deep conversations. Jam pack one long date day from 7am coffee and breakfast on until 11pm bedtime.

But the truth is, it’s not B who I miss. Because when I really remember how I felt back then it was… unsure. Anxious. This feeling of skating on thin ice, always. Deep down I knew very early on, that B didn’t want to get married and have kids. Yet, we connected deeply on many other levels, but never on our main values. So we continued on, happily at times, but always I knew – if and when I brought up that someday I wanted those things, he’d let me go. And eventually I did bring them up, and immediately, he let me go.

The more I’ve thought about it this morning, the more I realize that the nostalgia for those times is because life lately, and in the past year has just felt so busy. Sure sometimes it’s busy with really fun and great things. And sometimes it’s busy with crap that I don’t want to do. Lately I feel more and more like my time is less my time, and more time to meet obligations.

Part of it is perspective. Part of its changed priorities. Part of it is getting older, and becoming more established – in my marriage, career, with friends and family. Starting a family, even if that just means adopting Bentley.

Looking back, when I was with B I was working a job versus a career. I was finishing up my masters. I was 24 years old and everything felt exciting and fun and nothing felt that serious. Everything was about change, and it was supposed to be.

Now, money and savings are far more important. Trying to buy or build a house is a priority. Taking care of a puppy is a serious responsibility. Work isn’t just a 9-5, I’m frequently having 12 hour days. Marriage takes work, compromise and time… time that somehow keeps slipping away. I don’t see the Husband during the week anymore. We get to sleep together (which I love) but he usually gets home after 10pm. So we have weekends.

But weekends, oh the weekends. They are full of seeing this person or that person visiting, or this baby shower, or that wedding shower, or this wedding, or that 30th birthday. Sometimes the Husband can come along, but many times he can’t.

Oh and training. Fitting in training. 3+ hour bike rides on the weekend too.

Jeez, I need to snap out of this funk today.

Nothing changes if nothing changes…

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Before I felt better about what was happening at work, I had this thought – what would happen if I got fired?

I realized my world would be rocked, in a very daunting, right down to my core type of way. Not because of the bills that would have to be paid. Not because I would have to find another job. But because it would be my biggest failure. My only failure actually, and one that would strip me of who I thought I was.

And that’s scary.

I hate to admit it, but my career – my job – my experience – this firm – has been the most stable part of who I am. The thing that would appear as number one on the list if someone asked what I was good at. Sure I’m a good wife, puppy mom, friend, sister, athlete – but what I would put at top? I’m a good worker. I’m a hard worker. I’m a smart worker. (Smart in the efficient sense, but I guess I’m not dumb either, ha.) I’ve become a leader in my career, at a prestigious firm, and it feels so good.

And so when I was reading this article the other day, nodding along in agreement, I thought, what are the little things keeping me happy? The things that if god forbid I did lose my job, or when I’m out on maternity leave one day, will save me from feeling like my identity is falling apart. Do I focus on those little things enough, or do they get pushed aside often for the bigger things?

The big things are paying your bills and renting your first apartment. They are working towards that promotion and finding that person to marry. While these should make you happy and productive, they aren’t the things that are important.

The little things are the ones you need to pay attention to. The little things are what’s going to save you when your career ends or your marriage comes crashing down.

The little things are sunrises and sunsets, a great beer and watching a stranger help the homeless.

The little things are the cobblestone streets on your trip to Italy or the fresh fish at the market. It’s the walks through Central Park and the warm croissants at that French bakery you love so much. It’s the warm weather and the fall breezes.

We forget to pay attention to the little things and shift our focus to attaining the big things. We forget to look up at the buildings or at the people we love because we’re too focused on getting to those bigger things we find so important.

…Now is the time to read that article if you haven’t yet…

I do think focusing and accomplishing the big things are important. I guess I’m just agreeing that these little daily things are just as important to finding and keeping happiness along the path to the big things. Focusing on those little things instead of always the end goal, for me, is the key to keeping my happiness steady.

I know a lot of people can’t relate to what I’m saying. Their job and career doesn’t define them. The truth is, I never thought it would for me. But it has and I’m proud of the worker I have become and I’m proud to be part of this firm. So thinking about all that lately has freaked me out a bit.

While I might be good at balancing my career and life – I of course spend time with the husband, family, friends, Bentley, training, etc. – I still find that my career is where I feel most successful.

This past week has made me take a step back. It has made me focus on what little things I find daily happiness in and how I can start savoring them a little more. It’s made me think about where and how else I might feel successful, and what would help balance out my identity aside from my career.

So far, I like what I’m finding.


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