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Posts Tagged ‘healing’

It’s my four-year blogging anniversary.

Capture

Four years ago at this time, my heart was broken. It’s so funny how being heart-broken sounds like such a normal, common term, but at the time, my God I felt anything but.

I felt utter grief, physical pain, an ache so deep I remember waking up thinking my ribs were bruised.

I wasn’t eating and dropped to 125lbs at almost 5’8.

I was crying, somewhat openly to family and friends at first, then secretly, almost daily in my studio apartment.

Night time was the worst. 3am and somehow I’d always find myself crumpled and sobbing, shoulders shaking, on my bathroom floor.

I thought I would never get over B. At times I fantasized we truly were meant to be and we would get back together.

I spent a full year waiting, and hoping. Putting on a strong face, and being his friend. A full year trying to move past that heartache and yet one minor action, like holding my hand on our plane ride back from Ireland, or saying how much he still cared and loved me, would set me right back and I would start the heartbreak process all over.

It’s almost funny that now, I look back, and I am so incredibly thankful for that experience.

I’m thankful I felt love and loss like that, I truly am.

Sometimes I’m even nostalgic for that pain. It sounds ridiculous, but being heartbroken was the deepest emotion I have ever experienced to date.

Most of all, I’m thankful for who I became as a result of it.

I learned many wonderful things from B overall – he taught me to love myself and understand I deserved the best. He truly taught me how to communicate effectively and understand that fighting in relationships is never, and should never be about winning. He made me see an adventurous side of me that was waiting to come out.

But I learned the most out of my heartbreak time.

I learned to be independent.

I learned to love and appreciate my own time, with just me, writing, reading or relaxing.

I learned that I have the most wonderfully supportive and loving family and friends.

I learned that I could put my mind to something – finishing graduate school, getting promoted, signing up and accomplishing a triathlon – and be succesful, even without a significant other.

I learned that I could travel the world, Patagonia with a friend, for two weeks and enjoy every incredibly experience while there.

I learned, after that trip, to let go. That after experiencing the heartbreak you truly have to let go. And I remember the moment exactly… being in a bar in Chile, walking up to a cute guy and kissing him. Just like that.

I learned that opening your heart up and being vulnerable after heartbreak is harder. Much harder.

I learned that once I did, I would love deeper than I could have imagined. Because I finally found a love that loved me as me, even on bad days, and was willing and wanted to give me what I wanted most – a family.

And so it’s almost ironic, though I won’t tell her in that way, that my younger sister has found herself in the exact same place, at almost the exact same time in her life.

My sister has followed many of my footsteps, from college to even moving to Boston. At 24, just about turning 25, she and her boyfriend of about one and a half years broke up. She is utterly and completely heart-broken.

I can’t take her pain away. I can only help to support her, to distract her, and to help her pass the time. Because truly, the one and only thing that helped, was time. Time heals all.

And I hope that one day, a year, maybe four years from now, she can look back at her heartbreak and feel the same way.

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The Husband and I had the movie The Hurricane on in the background last night while we were cooking and chatting. At one point Denzel talks about the power of writing and the influence and impact of words. I can’t remember the exact quote, and I can’t find it anywhere but as he was saying that, the Husband turned to me and said, “That’s how you feel about writing”. I was taken aback that he pinpointed that, but he’s right.

When I can’t talk, I write. When I can’t be in reality, I read. Words for me are powerful, healing, and releasing. And so today, I’m going to just sit and write.

I went to my running class this morning. I’m so glad I did. Talking with a few women and then pushing harder than I ever have, or could have imagined during sprints – felt amazingly therapeutic.

I signed up for two races. A 5k in a few weeks honoring fallen marines and donating money to scholarships for their children. And a 5 mile race through the city of Boston honoring fallen law enforcement. There’s a bit of a pattern to the races I’ve picked and these are races that I will feel honored just to be a part of.

And today, as I was sprinting the half-mile run portion of class (between sprints, and incline intervals, we run a half-mile as fast as we can for time – it’s really fun…not) I realized that this 5k in about 3 weeks – could be my time to surpass my PR. I’ve never beat my original 5k time from back in March of 2008 – my first ever race and 5k and I want to. Badly.

Truthfully, I’m not sure I’ve ever really tried, or trained properly to try. I think with my current running classes, among strength and yoga classes, I have a real shot.  I think it’s also a huge part, mental. The 5k is the worst distance for me. I feel like I’m just warming up and getting into a groove when I hit 3 miles – so really – the whole thing feels brutal and then just as I’m starting to feel good, I have to sprint across the finish line.

I’m finally putting in the work to beat that time. I think mentally, I’m there too – and on that day – I’m going to be ready to push it.

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