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Posts Tagged ‘heartache’

The Townie and my relationship so far has been smooth sailing. For the most part we get along, we have fun and it’s just easy.

But over the weekend I started to feel myself question things.

Now there are two different types of concerns I have with him. The superficial ones, the ones which I know are because I’ve been single for a year and not used to sharing again. Like someone barging into the bathroom while I’m in it without knocking, or the constant chatting while I need some quiet time, or the feeling of having someone on top of you all.the.time.

I know that a lot of those are just adjustment issues. They could easily go away with a little communication.

But then there are the real issues. Can I see myself with this person still in 2 years? Deep down, I’m pretty sure the answer is no.

This past weekend, for an entire day he talked about the future. We could do this, and we can do that, and on and on. But somehow we just couldn’t hold a conversation about anything current. I can’t talk to him for hours the way I did with others. We don’t have that connection.

I feel like certain people bring out the best qualities in you. They challenge you, sometimes without them knowing, to be a better you. Maybe that means listening more, or being more thoughtful, or trying new activities, or learning to stand on your own feet. And there are definitely people out there who do the opposite. They can bring out the worst in you, they become party buddies, or gossipers, or negative and try to bring you down too. However, you still learn from them and you learn about yourself.

But there’s an in between those too. In the beginning the Townie forced me in a way to look past judgements and stereotypes. But now that we’re past that, it just is. I don’t feel overly excited or ambitious in our relationship. I don’t feel like I want to push myself to learn new things, or be active, or dress up each time we see each other. On the other hand I can see my influence on him, maybe too much so. I say I might go to church, he wants to go to church, I say I want this for dinner, he wants that for dinner.

I know the comparing game is dangerous, and trust me, there are qualities in B that I never want in my next relationship. But now I see qualities that I think I need. I need someone I can sit and talk to for a long car drive. I need someone who supports me while still pushing me to be the best me. I want the relationship to grow (and understand there will be growing pains). I just need someone who brings something into the relationship.

So I guess the question is, where do I go from here? We have a weekend away together this weekend. I am looking forward to it and would still like to go.

But at what point does this become unfair? Even if I were to say to him, I’m not sure how I feel, (which I did this past weekend – and it resulted in hours of him saying how things were good) I can tell he would stay with me. For the hope that it might change. I know I could stay with him for a bit longer an have fun but I really don’t want to hurt him. I do care about him, I think he’s great, and his family is wonderful but it’s not enough.

I wish it was.

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Okay so I’m not running but this is the place where I can be 100% honest so here it is.

Last night I went to dinner with B (Townie knew ahead so it wasn’t a secret).

Truthfully? Our connection has been lost a little. I expected that. I didn’t expect to have it feel so clear why I wasn’t with B any more (we spent two hours talking about him, I’m pretty sure he asked me all of two questions…)

But at the same time I was surprised at how at moments, I still longed to be comfortable and safe in his arms.

I went home and met up with the Townie for the night. Here’s a guy secure and understanding enough to let me go out with my ex boyfriend. And sweet enough to have officially asked about being my boyfriend.

And yet last night as we were falling asleep, the fear set in a little bit.

Is this happening to fast?

It was so different than with B. With B we were together almost 6 months before calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend – and at that point we were basically falling in love. Becoming boyfriend and girlfriend at that point made it such a secure decision. I knew he was 110% in it.

While it’s only been about two months, the Townie and I for a few weeks now have said that we aren’t dating anyone else. We see each other multiple times a week. We go out places, we stay in, we meet each other’s friends and starting to meet each other’s families. So label or not, we’re acting like boyfriend and girlfriend.

So why is fear creeping in?

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It was sunny and warm this morning as I slowly walked home from my 6am kettlebells class.

It gave me the itch. The deep desire for summer days.

The smell of fresh mowed lawns.
The feeling motivation to be outside early in the morning and late into the evening.
The thought of sipping wine on a front porch.
Or having off of work (sometimes I really miss being in school).
Driving with my sun roof open and my windows down.

But I won’t lie, I’m scared for the summer to start. Deep down I’m hiding the inevitable ache that’s going to come. When it becomes real that each weekend I can’t hop into my car, drive to Rhode Island, and spend the days with my family on the beach and the nights playing cards and drinking in our old wooden cottage.

The escape I had for 25 years, doesn’t exist anymore.

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I had my reading yesterday. Some of the things he said hit the nail on the head, some were eh. All in all it was a fun and different thing to do with a friend on a week night.

What the cards said about Love:

  • I’m past the pain of my last relationship even though it was a rip your heart out breakup. (True.)
  • I’m the one holding myself back from dating and committment. I need to actually put my own foot out the door. (True.)
  • I feel like I need to get more grounded before becoming committed again. (True.)
  • I should start realizing that I don’t have to do anything I am uncomfortable with and that by going on a date it doesn’t mean I have to marry the guy. (Ha, such a true fear.)

He doesn’t necessarily see me entering into another serious relationship for another year. Lots of little dates which will be important, one of whom may turn into a good friend, but the serious guy won’t start until next year.

I will be married, with kids and happy one day. It won’t be with B.

What the cards said about CAREER:
He sees I’m an asset in my current company and I won’t be leaving it but my role may change, especially when it comes to being creative (yay).

That was clearly the vague overview of what he said but for the most part he or the cards sounded about right. I don’t know what is holding me back – for a long time I blamed it on getting over B but recently that’s just no longer an excuse.

Part of its fear, part of it is this lack of control feeling when it comes to dating. It’s easier and more comfortable to just cancel on dates or not put the effort in.

It also causes me such anxiety to feel smothered quickly when it comes to dating or love, like with DC boy, or really any guy I’ve gone out with.

Part of me also just feels this chaos in my life right now. Like I need to get my own shit together before being committed again even though I miss having a guy in my life. I want to get ahold of my workout routine, I want to focus a little more on my career and figure out what I’m meant to do, I want to spend a lot of time with my current friends and develop some new friends who might have similar interests in me. I want to dedicate time to training for my upcoming tri’s or planning my sister’s wedding or figuring out my faith and what I believe in and how I want to practice it.

The truth is I could probably do all of that with someone by my side, but it would mean compromising. Maybe I’m not ready to compromise yet. Because when I was with B as much as he wanted me to “do me” I held myself back. Maybe I need to spend some time learning how to be a stronger healthier version of me so when it comes time to being committed again I can compromise without giving up too much of myself in the process.

I want to put aside the friends and family who keep asking why I’m not in a relationship, and how I could possibly be single. I want to put aside the wedding and baby fever that’s going on all around me and realize things will happen at the right time for me, even if it’s not the same time as my friends or sisters or cousins.

I’m going to keep putting my foot out the front door and dating, but for the most part I’m going to start focusing on settling this chaos feeling I’m having.

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I really don’t think Brad is anything special.

I think his twin brother on the other hand is GORgeousss. (And normal.)

Watching Chantel’s heartbreak made me uncomfortable. It broke my own heart to watch her hurt. The rawness of it all made me realize that I feel almost numb in comparison to what I used to feel.

In many ways watching Chantel cry I thought about how far I’ve come from my breakup and how I never want to go back to those initial days after the heartbreak. It was all consuming in the worst way.

Then I watched Brad and Emily. And I’ve realized, I want to love again.

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Over the last year of I have gone through many break-up phases.

There have been multiple moments where I’ve thought, “I’m over him!” only to find myself crumpled and sobbing on my bathroom floor a few days later.

But the other day B and I traded texts. Brief but fun. We have tentative plans to get a burger at our usual spot after he gets back from France in a week or two. I’m not waiting for it and I’m not holding back on making other plans. I feel oddly enough, a little indifferent. I’m excited to catch up with him but that’s really where it ends.

Then I ended communication with DC Boy the other day and it all hit me.

I am the most confident, secure, and independent I have ever been. I look at attractive boys now and get excited at the prospect but my world would be far from over if it didn’t work out. I just feel like I have a healthier mindset about it all, a mindset I don’t think I even  knew I could have.

Thinking back over the last year there were two major standouts – the triathlon and the trip to PatagoniaDeep down I know, I wouldn’t have done either of those if I were still with B. Not because he would have held me back by any means. But because in a relationship, with the mindset that I had, I was holding myself back.

By being single, I have allowed myself to make decisions just for me, for the first time in 13 years. I don’t have to think about my significant other as I’ve done with one boyfriend to the next since middle-school.

I’ve come to realize that the person I have become in the last year won’t allow herself to become lost again in a relationship. I don’t have to over compromise. I can allow myself to continue growing and with or without a significant other, I will.

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Yesterday afternoon I was listening to all of my girlfriends chat about what’s going on in their love lives. J and her Husband. S and her boyfriend. V and A with their new hookups. From husband to fun they each had someone.

And it really hit me.

For the past year, I have been in the breakup phase. It’s been OK to mourn, and go back and forth, and be mad then sad then reflect on it all. But now it’s been over a year.  I can’t use him as an excuse anymore.

I’m tired of thinking to myself that I want someone again and yet I can’t picture it.

Of course I can’t picture it – I’m not trying. I’m avoiding.

And I’m tired of looking at, feeling, and even talking about this almost 10lb weight gain.

I’m tired of being bored at work, pushing tasks aside to just wait until tomorrow, letting my stress build and build.

I’m tired of looking at some of the disorganized areas of my apartment thinking, I can’t bring anyone here it’s so messy.

I’m tired of looking at my life in a depressed state.

I keep saying, “one day”. One day I’ll feel fit and toned. One day I’ll have an important guy in my life again. One day my apartment will be clean and organized. One day I’ll cook meals every week instead of spending money buying them out.

Enough.

One day needs to become today. I’m wasting so much time in limbo. I’m feeling depressed and bored because of it.

Today I stayed home from work. I tossed and turned last night and woke up with such a headache.

And now I need to move forward. I need to make what I want to be my priorities, actually my priorities.

It’s time to workout hard, even when I would rather eat in front of the tv.
It’s time to do my laundry, go to the dry cleaners, and get rid of extra shit in my apartment.
It’s time to date, open-mindedly.
It’s time to appreciate friends and family.
It’s time to be productive at work.
It’s time to let myself find and enjoy hobbies.
It’s time to pull myself out of this long funk and live.

Not one day, today.

 

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