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Posts Tagged ‘honesty’

I had a long conversation with my Mom on Tuesday. It’s funny actually, in the past few years, especially since getting married I tend to go to the Husband for almost everything but, there are still times when I need my Mom. She asked exactly what everyone else has been asking. Well, in her therapist like Mom way.

Why are you doing the half-ironman?
For a number of reasons I said, first for fun, second for fitness and third it’s something I’ve always had in the back of my mind to do in my lifetime.

Well, are you having fun?
The answer was no. For a few months now, it’s obviously clear I’ve been struggling. Workouts that should be fun became a chore. Training somehow always became lowest priority. Anxiety and stress was always looming. I found myself so moody and negative when thinking of the months ahead. The whole point was to enjoy the next few months as much as possible before trying to expand our family, and I feel like we’re now in the opposite place. I’m wishing away the time.

Are you getting fit?
Yes, although I’m not losing weight because I’m stress eating. I keep wanting to try to change around my diet but keep fearing of messing with my training. But endurance and strength wise, I’m doing really well. I would regret stopping training in all ways or not doing something with my training.

Is this the only time in your life you think you can do a half-ironman?
No, it’s not. I hope it’s not at least. I have future fitness goals of all sorts.. a half ironman… a marathon…short races post baby like 5ks and 10ks. I want to do it all for the rest of my life.

And so the answer became a bit more clear. I’m not doing the half-ironman this year.

I am signed up and doing a triathlon at the end of June in its place, when my Mom will actually be home from Alaska and plans to come watch. A race that is 4 miles from my in-laws meaning everyone can come watch, and then we can all go to a celebratory breakfast after.

I don’t know if I’ll regret this decision. I just know that right now, I don’t. I feel relief. I feel happiness. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me. Something in my gut kept saying now isn’t the time – some fear, not even about physically finishing but more so the risks involved – and it wouldn’t go away. And so now, I feel pretty pumped about competing in a regular triathlon. One that with my recent training, I’m actually excited to crush in comparison to any tri I’ve done before.

The hardest part, or so I thought would be, was telling everyone. Each conversation I felt like a failure when I started to explain that I’ve dropped out this year. Yet each time, friends and family were unbelievably understanding and all reminded me of the same thing – if I’m doing it for fun, and it’s not fun, it’s defeating the purpose. It’s been sort of  a “duh” moment really.

This Saturday I’m going on an early morning ride with two girlfriends. Then this Sunday I have my duathlon. Then a few weeks of training, training that I’m actually really excited to do, and training that won’t be taking over my life, before crushing this June triathlon. In the meantime, I want to just enjoy the next few months. I want to go St. Thomas with all the women in my family in May and lay on the beach, eat, drink, and get a few workouts in – relaxing in the best possible way. I want to eat healthier. I want to spend time with the Husband and friends. I want to make plans at last-minute, I want to sleep in, I want to have a glass of wine or two without feeling guilty. There’s a real possibility we want to start trying to expand our family this summer, and more than ever, I need to be honest with myself about how I want to spend my time.

So here’s to the next few months – enjoying life and being true to myself.

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I know I keep jumping back and forth with this. And I know it’s silly and probably frustrating to some who can easily accomplish a half ironman (or who think I can). And maybe I can. But I hate that I wake up, excited for the day, excited for workouts, excited for my upcoming trip to St. Thomas, but then deep down, I’m anxious and weighed down by the looming June date. Most of all, I’m mad at myself – for not feeling differently about the race. For not being excited and jazzed about it. For telling everyone, and thinking if I weren’t to do it, how embarrassed and frustrated with myself I would feel. For not thinking about how if I had just signed up for a regular triathlon first, and trained for it and killed it I would be ecstatic. It doesn’t always have to be the extreme. For not taking some time to think about which one I signed up for either – a time when my entire mom’s side of the family, including my mother will be in Alaska. And where I’ll have to travel 6 hours away, when there’s one just a few months later (already full) that’s less than 2 hours away and I’ve done the triathlon there and know and love the course.

Would I regret not doing it? Yes. Maybe. I think I will. I would feel like a failure. I failed everyone I told I would do it. I had every opportunity to make this into what I wanted, and I didn’t. I didn’t put it what I wanted to get out. So would I feel better and happier every day for the next few months though if I didn’t do it? Yes. Would I be excited to participate in a regular triathlon around the same time frame? Yes, very much so. Because let’s be honest, I know I’d kill a regular tri at this point.

And so that’s where my mind is right now. Keep training. Participate in my duathlon this week. No matter what my training is not going to waste. If anything I’ll be signing up for a triathlon that I’ve had my eye on the last weekend in June, that’s right near the Husband’s family’s house.

I just hope that in the next few days I wake up one morning and just accept it – one way or another. Be honest with myself, be true to myself, and do what makes me happy. Even if that means disappointing others, and myself in a way.

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