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Posts Tagged ‘Moms’

Rip off that band-aid

I remembered something tonight after I sucked it up and called my Mom.

Sometimes it’s best to just rip of that band-aid. We talked about our argument first, met in the middle and then just spent two hours on the phone catching up.

It was fantastic to connect with her. I don’t want time to go by where I miss out on connections with anyone because of my silly pride.

I have to remember that talking doesn’t even mean I’m conceding. It means I’m dealing with it. And I feel like a weight that I’ve been carrying around for the last two weeks has been lifted. 🙂

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I just came across this post on a great blog I follow. I thought it was neat, especially given my not so great day and mood. Here’s my version, with the first answers that came to mind.

I am… sitting on my couch in sweatpants, wrapped in a bathrobe, watching 19 Kids and Counting.

I want…to be in love again.

I have…a killer PMS headache. 

I wish… my Mom would find her soul mate who treats her like gold.

I know…my heart will eventually heal.

I hate…when people walk/step on my heels.

I hear…my ceiling fan whirling.

I crave…hot pasta.

I search…too often for life’s meaning.

I always…want to write another goal’s list. 

I usually…feel 100 times better after I exercise.

I miss…having a boyfriend who was a best friend, travel companion, and support system.

I love… getting up early on fall mornings and enjoying a cup of coffee.

I never…give up hope.

I rarely…floss.

I cry…when watching marathons or Julie Moss.

I lose…my sanity and rationality when I get my period.

I should…start saving a lot more money.

I worry…that my Mom is losing her beautiful, optimistic spirit.

I dream…of having a sunlit home, a caring husband, and a yard with a dog.

I was…heartbroken.

I need…to get more sleep. 

I can…make all my dreams a reality.

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Tonight I’m headed “home” to the house I grew up in outside of NYC. I’m excited to work out of my firm’s New York office tomorrow, have dinner with one of my favorite cousins, have a fun Saturday with my Mom for her 55th birthday, then hike on Sunday with my two childhood best friends.

This past weekend Blondie, one of my childhood best friends, lost her dog. I remember when we were back in 6th grade and we had a snow day off from school and I was over Blondie’s house. We were sitting in her brother’s room playing an old school Nintendo game called Bomberman and listening to the Waiting to Exhale soundtrack. I remember her Mom coming in to say she was going to her friend’s house where their dog had puppies. Blondie wasn’t that interested but I excitedly asked to go along and convinced Blondie it would be fun. While her Mom agreed we could come along, but Blondie would not, under any circumstances, be getting a puppy.

Once we got there we were surrounded by 6 little Vizsla puppies. One puppy was a standout. Later in life I learned this is the puppy you never bring home, but we couldn’t help but love the wacko puppy racing around, nipping at our noses, hopping up and down and barking. She was too cute to be annoying.

Somehow, I still to this day don’t know how, I convinced them to take the little puppy monster home. They later named her Ginger. After months of peeing all over the floors, becoming more and more rambunctious her name actually became “Loo” short for loony.

We have years of memories that involve Loo. From the disgusting amounts of foam that came out of her mouth on walks to the fact that she would not eat any food without shredded cheese being involved.

While it makes me laugh to think of my memories with her, Blondie is having a really hard time. She’s definitely hurting so hopefully a nice hike on Sunday will help lift her spirits a little.

Gingie - August 2010

And it makes me even more excited to see my cat, Meatball. Yes, after years of him jumping on people’s heads, knocking over any possible open container and spilling the contents (from water glasses to nail polish) to following my Mom to the train station (I kid you not) his name became Meatball. He is such a Meatball. I can’t wait to give Meatball a big snuggle.

Meatball's chair

 

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Yesterday morning I ran the Marine Corps 5k. Let’s get the disappointment part out of the way. I didn’t make my time. In fact it was one of my slowest 5k times – mainly because I have such a bad head cold. So I ran 9:42 second miles – just over 30 minutes in the end. Boo.

BUT, I still ran it. Even not being able to breathe out of my nose and with an annoying cough – I ran that race.

And it was totally worth it. What a charged atmosphere! So many marines and their families – the cause just felt amazing. Seeing them run in packs supporting each other and then seeing the marine in perfect shape running slowly next to this 80 year-old man – it was amazing. And it was pouring rain. Not just drizzling but monsoon rains and winds and yet everyone kept running. What an amazing race.

Now I’m down with my Mom and sisters to celebrate Mother’s Day. We’re taking her for a nice brunch at a hotel in her area. It’s so rare to get all three of us girls together with my Mom at the same time so it’s going to be wonderful.

I’ve been thinking about B. I had these frustrating thoughts last night. Sometimes I just wish I’d meet someone so I could move on so that I wouldn’t feel stuck but the scary thing was the feeling that if I do meet someone – it automatically changes our relationship and he’ll pull back and it’s sad to think about really. Sometimes it’s just exhausting to think about. Somehow it’s even more exhausting with a head cold.

Heard from the Bachelor. He’s so random. I’m not sure I understand him. He pushed pretty hard for me to do this triathlon, even creating a spreadsheet of my expenses. Now I find out why after I signed up he went MIA. He’s out in the Midwest for his Godson’s baptism. He sent a text last night asking how my weekend was going. This whole thing could be great or it could turn tricky. I just want to be friends with him. There’s something about him that I know I won’t connect with him (is it the bachelor qualities? the football player attitude/look?) Whatever it is, I just would love if we could train and keep this casual and it not get messy at all. He just sent another text asking to get together to eat on Tuesday.

It leads me more and more to believe that you meet people for a reason. If I hadn’t met the Bachelor, I would have never ever considered a triathlon. I just wouldn’t have. I don’t have a bike or easy access to a pool but something changed when he described them. Makes me wonder if the gym boy I kept seeing everywhere has a role in my life…

Happy Mother’s Day to all Moms!  🙂

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Whenever someone tells me a problem in their life my first instinct is to give advice. It’s not because I think I know what’s best for them (or anyone) for that matter. It’s not because I think I have the answers or the experience or see a solution they don’t see. It’s because I care about them and I truly just want their problem solved. I think the instinct to give advice when hearing a problem is my desire to fix whatever is wrong so they aren’t hurting anymore. In recent years though I have realized sometimes people don’t want advice. Sometimes advice makes people feel worse. A lot of the time people just want someone to listen. And it’s funny because when you really listen, sometimes you can hear that the person already has an answer. 

This happened to me yesterday. I had a great day with B. Really great. We spent a solid 8 hours together and I’m not going to lie. I was really happy.

Is it sad today? A little.
Do I miss him today? Absolutely.
Am I happy though today? Yes.

Yes because I had a great day with him and he reminded me of a lot of things. He reminded me that someone out there truly loves me. That someone else out there (maybe more than one) is also capable of loving me in that same way. And that same way means having chemistry and a deep connection where we can hang out for 8 hours and talk about everything and anything. I will find that love, and I’m not closing myself off to it. However, I will not settle for anything less than that.

Anyway, point being I talked to my mother after I came home. She has commented a couple of times in the past few months that I “never tell her anything anymore”. So when she asked about my weekend I told her a quick version of all the fun girl time and Sunday with B. Then the advice (or really the comments) started.

…”Well you’re not going to find someone else if you keep comparing them to B.”
…”I can see you’re not ready to be in a new relationship anyway, I just wanted you to date so you wouldn’t get stuck.”
…”You can’t expect to feel a connection with someone that quickly.”

And it went on. $@#&%*!!!! is how I felt. I wasn’t asking for advice! I just wanted to tell you about my life!

Every time I tried to explain how I feel right now she’d retaliate with another comment. And it wasn’t helpful. If anything it made me shut down and not want to tell her about my life because right now her negativity isn’t helping. It’s bringing me down.

I know she means the best for me and I’m trying to remind myself of that. But I’m 25. I have been in love 3 times now. (All very different loves but love none the less). And I also have felt chemistry with a number of men. I know what it feels like. I KNOW that a deep connection takes time. But I also know that when you connect with someone, you feel it and you know it. Even just that tiny spark that says “I want to see you again after tonight”. Just because I went on 3 dates doesn’t mean I had to have felt something with any of them. And sorry, but I didn’t. When the idea of kissing a certain person makes you cringe and shudder, there’s no spark.

So my thought today is that every situation is different and ultimately people are going to do what they want to do.

Right now, I want support. Right now, I need to be the one and I am capable of being the one to decide what’s best for me. I need to find my own way. But I want need my friends and family to support me and listen through the process.

So please, just listen.

…./
For some helpful tidbits on listening, I think this article has a few great tips:

“You seldom listen to me, and when you do you don’t hear, and when you do hear you hear wrong, and even when you hear right you change it so fast that it’s never the same.” – Marjorie Kellogg

1. Listen, Listen, Listen. Ask your friend what’s wrong, and really listen to the answer. Let them vent their fears, frustrations and other important feelings, maintaining eye contact and showing that you’re interested in what they have to say. Resist the urge to give advice, and just let them get it out.

2. Reframe What You Hear. Summarize and repeat back your understanding of what they’re saying so they know you’re hearing them, and focus on the emotions they might be feeling. For example, if your friend is talking about family problems, you might find yourself saying, “It looks like things are getting pretty hostile. You sound like you’re feeling hurt.”

3. Ask About Feelings. Ask them to expand on what they’re feeling. Asking about their feelings provides a good emotional release and might be more helpful than just focusing on the facts of their situation.

4. Keep The Focus On Them. Rather than delving into a related story of your own, keep the focus on them until they feel better. You can reference something that happened to you if you bring the focus back to them quickly. They will appreciate the focused attention, and this will help them feel genuinely cared for and understood.

5. Help Brainstorm. Rather than giving advice in the beginning, which cuts off further exploration of feelings and other communication, wait until they’ve gotten their feelings out, and then help them brainstorm solutions. If you help them come up with ideas and look at the pros and cons of each, they’re likely to come up with a solution they feel good about. Or they might feel better after just being able to talk and feeling heard.

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Moms

A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.  ~Tenneva Jordan

I have been thinking about my Mom a lot lately. There is this horrific time period during every girl’s teenage years where she and her Mom collide in every possible way. There’s no way around it – it just happens.

Up until 8th grade I was really close with my Mom. I loved spending time with her. And then 13 hit and all the sudden everything she did (even if she didn’t do anything at all) drove me nuts. Her regular questions, “how was your day?”, “where are you going?”, “what’s new?”, would infuriate me and usually elicited one word not so nice responses. I don’t know why that change in mood happens – I just know that it’s inevitable.

The day my Mom dropped me off for college is the day I vividly recall getting past that phase. I was terrified and I didn’t want my mom to leave. I think I actually made her stay around for the whole day while I tried to set up my room, my computer, find class buildings, etc. I’m pretty sure she was the one who decided by dinner that it was time for her to go.

Anyway, during college and especially afterwards I have increasingly grown closer to my Mom again. We don’t see eye to eye on everything, partially a generational thing, partially our different life paths, but she is my rock. The past few years when something really hard has happened or when I feel like I just need someone, I always find myself dialing her number. And she listens. Sometimes I don’t agree with her advice or reaction, but she listens and I know she always wants the best for me.

I have found myself being increasingly appreciative and thankful for my Mom now and for who she was while I was growing up. While I have told her in small ways, probably not enough, I do hope she knows. I hope she knows that I am where I am today because of her. That I actually turned our pretty well because of her support, love and role modeling. I’m so lucky. Thank you Mom.

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