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Posts Tagged ‘moving on’

B called me this past Friday night.

As I was setting out my gear and clothing for each section of my tri I saw his name pop up on my phone. I almost didn’t pick it up, but it’s random when he does call so I thought maybe there was something wrong.

Turns out he was driving down to the Cape and wanted my advice on whether or not to buy a piece of Real Estate. I couldn’t talk long since my wake up time was going to be 4:40am but he did a quick overview of what was going on and I rationally tried to talk him through some of it.

We agreed it would make more sense to talk at a later time and hung up.

I really enjoy being B’s friend. Not in a, “let’s hang out and talk intimately about life together” sort of way but more in an “if anything is wrong, or you need to chat, here is someone who knows you so well” and it’s OK to call them.

But I no longer want to tell him certain details about my life, I want those saved for just the Townie.

I haven’t posted too much detail about the Townie. Part of it is in fear that by saying it somehow it will change things. Part of it is that this blog was founded on my breakup with B, going through heartbreak, and the ups and downs of dating. But that’s all changed and I guess my blog has really changed with it.

The truth is, I love the Townie, more than I ever expected to. I mean did I really think I would meet someone on Match.com? No! But, I’m just so excited for our future – the prospect of travelling together, living together and being married. I can picture him being such a great Dad. The way he looks at me, like I’m just this amazing girl he can’t help but love is the best feeling in the world. Every day I feel like I love him more and more and I just didn’t know that was possible.

I don’t really know if there was a point to this post except to reflect on how things really do change.  Without sounding too preachy, you just can’t picture what your life will be like in a year from now.

The most important thing I have learned from the last year is that you really have to take a few risks, be uncomfortable, and get out there to make changes in your life. I wouldn’t have done my first Tri, or gone gallivanting through South America with a new friend, or tried online dating otherwise. And most importantly, I probably wouldn’t be over B.

Yet now I’m hooked on tris and fitness, I’m planning yearly trips with that new friend who has become a great friend, and I’m in love with a guy who’s perfect for me.

It doesn’t mean all of your efforts to change will always turn out successful. I have countless posts on feeling lonely, frustrated, anxious and heart-broken. But eventually that changes too. All of that, was well worth the results.

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

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Last night I had dinner with B.

I walked to meet him after work at one of our old meeting spots. As I walked towards the meeting spot, I saw him before he saw me. I wasn’t sure what I was going to feel when I got closer. Sad? Excited? Indifferent?

And then we caught eyes as I got closer, and we both smiled and it just felt right to give him a big hug.

It felt nostalgic. And comforting. And easy.

We walked to his truck to drive over to a Mexican place outside the city. We quickly fell into our normal conversation pace – catching-up on the old, the new, the wants, the dislikes, the good, the different, etc.

As he was dropping me off at home we parked outside my apartment and continued chatting for about 15 minutes. There he mentioned a sensitive voicemail he had left me a few weeks ago. I never got it. He left it the night I was trying to get home from Florida (and got stuck in Baltimore during storms) and for whatever reason I never got that voicemail.

Funny how things works out like that. I don’t know what he said on that voicemail, and maybe it’s better I never did get to hear it.

We gave each other a big hug goodbye and I went inside and sat down to catch-up on shows before chatting with the Townie before bed.

And in early hours this morning when insomnia hit again, I received an email from B that started with this:

 C,
 It was so nice to see you tonight. Thank you for taking time to have dinner with  me. I felt like I could talk for hours more, when we got to your house.

I can’t lie, there’s of course a nostalgic feeling with B. There are moments where I just want to hop in his truck and drive up to Maine and chat with the radio off the whole way.

But deep down I know that’s no longer what I want.

What I want is to see him happy, truly happy. I want him to keep moving forward.

And I want to be happy. Maybe that means with the Townie, maybe it’ll be someone else in the end.

Whatever happens I know it won’t be B standing at the end of the aisle waiting for me to walk down it. But I do know he’ll be standing in a pew smiling for me.

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Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life’s coming attractions.
 
 
I’ll be back, soon. 🙂

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There’s something about exercising and eating health(ier) that just clears away all racing thoughts in my head and the chaos in my life. It’s like somehow, important things become more clear, and nagging negatives have solutions, or sometimes they just don’t seem to matter as much anymore.

One of the first things I noticed in the past few days of getting good sweat sessions and proper nutrition is I’m not tired. In fact, my insomnia is back, not the really bad kind with racing thoughts more so that I’m just awake. I know that’ll settle once my body starts getting more and more tired with the exercising but for now it’s a really nice feeling to wake up and think about the day versus thinking about when I’ll get to sleep next.

It’s also such a nice feeling to not feel so full and lethargic after eating. I’m noticing what and which foods makes me feel energized and full longer versus the crazy sugar bender I was on. (Don’t get me wrong, I’m not giving up sweets. However, balancing them with other foods does wonders for energy levels.)

I learned this week that I can go grocery shopping across from my job and just leave a week’s worth of breakfast and lunch stuff at work. I got myself a box of Kashi Heart to Heart toasted cereal and I actually only eat a portion or two for breakfast. Really that’s because my officemate is watching and continuously pouring additional bowls will get comments. Hey, whatever works.

It also keeps me from leaving my lunch in the fridge at home (happens once a week) or just not making something (also happens once a week). Instead I left a whole bag of stuff from Trader Joes – avocados, bread, string cheese, orange peppers, apple slices, Greek yogurt, watermelon, etc in our office fridge. I made sure to keep it in a sketchy Forever 21 bag in hopes that others won’t snatch things from it.

I’m learning how ridiculously small normal portions appear after my recent portions. 400-500 calories for each meal isn’t a lot when you start adding it all up. 2 slices of cheese pizza at almost 600 calories (had our reading buddy volunteer party today during lunch and pizza was the only option) but it is just not as filling as something like a chicken sausage omelet with a side of toast and veggies.

I’m getting back to my candle burning ways – slowly but surely. Yesterday after work I ran over to the gym, warmed up on the elliptical for 15 minutes, ran 2 miles, then walked the 1.5 miles home. I quickly made dinner then headed to my friend J’s house for Pretty Little Liars season premier (yes, I do watch that show. It’s embarrassing but we’re addicted) and got home around 11pm and chatted with the Townie before bedtime.

And somehow, my feelings for the Townie have become much more clear. I like him.  I really do. I find that when we spend a few nights apart my mind wanders to him. He’s just a positive, fun, weightless thought always in the back of my mind. It feels so refreshing. 🙂

wehearit.com

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The Townie and my relationship so far has been smooth sailing. For the most part we get along, we have fun and it’s just easy.

But over the weekend I started to feel myself question things.

Now there are two different types of concerns I have with him. The superficial ones, the ones which I know are because I’ve been single for a year and not used to sharing again. Like someone barging into the bathroom while I’m in it without knocking, or the constant chatting while I need some quiet time, or the feeling of having someone on top of you all.the.time.

I know that a lot of those are just adjustment issues. They could easily go away with a little communication.

But then there are the real issues. Can I see myself with this person still in 2 years? Deep down, I’m pretty sure the answer is no.

This past weekend, for an entire day he talked about the future. We could do this, and we can do that, and on and on. But somehow we just couldn’t hold a conversation about anything current. I can’t talk to him for hours the way I did with others. We don’t have that connection.

I feel like certain people bring out the best qualities in you. They challenge you, sometimes without them knowing, to be a better you. Maybe that means listening more, or being more thoughtful, or trying new activities, or learning to stand on your own feet. And there are definitely people out there who do the opposite. They can bring out the worst in you, they become party buddies, or gossipers, or negative and try to bring you down too. However, you still learn from them and you learn about yourself.

But there’s an in between those too. In the beginning the Townie forced me in a way to look past judgements and stereotypes. But now that we’re past that, it just is. I don’t feel overly excited or ambitious in our relationship. I don’t feel like I want to push myself to learn new things, or be active, or dress up each time we see each other. On the other hand I can see my influence on him, maybe too much so. I say I might go to church, he wants to go to church, I say I want this for dinner, he wants that for dinner.

I know the comparing game is dangerous, and trust me, there are qualities in B that I never want in my next relationship. But now I see qualities that I think I need. I need someone I can sit and talk to for a long car drive. I need someone who supports me while still pushing me to be the best me. I want the relationship to grow (and understand there will be growing pains). I just need someone who brings something into the relationship.

So I guess the question is, where do I go from here? We have a weekend away together this weekend. I am looking forward to it and would still like to go.

But at what point does this become unfair? Even if I were to say to him, I’m not sure how I feel, (which I did this past weekend – and it resulted in hours of him saying how things were good) I can tell he would stay with me. For the hope that it might change. I know I could stay with him for a bit longer an have fun but I really don’t want to hurt him. I do care about him, I think he’s great, and his family is wonderful but it’s not enough.

I wish it was.

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While my mind is mostly thinking about how I’d like to be on the beautiful beach below today, a conversation with the Townie last night got me thinking.

Transport me here now.

weheartit.com

Last night the Townie and I were lying in bed chatting while I coughed up a storm. (Got my meds yesterday, the official word is I have bronchitis and an ear infection. Waaah. )

We were talking about how for the most part, we really get along. We communicate well, we respect each other fully and it just seems easy.

I’m not sure how it came up, but he said, “The only thing I can see us fighting over is your relationship with your ex“.

On the one hand, he says he trusts me 100% and doesn’t mind that I do maintain a friendship with B. But he’s wary of it, and deep down I know it bothers him a bit. I don’t want it to bother him.

I know I’m being a bit selfish. I don’t want to give B up. It breaks my heart a thousand times over to think I couldn’t check in once in a while with him and catch-up over dinner. I know the Townie would never force him out of my life, but at some point am I supposed to offer?

I tried to explain, which probably came out in the worst way, that I will always love B. No I’m not in love with him any more. But there’s a connection, an attachment, a deep care to continue having him in my life. I’m finally at this place where envisioning him with someone else is ok, as long as that person makes him happy and treats him really well. But envisioning my life without doesn’t seem ok.

The Townie said his fear is that I’m not really over him. But I don’t know if I ever will be 100% over B. That doesn’t mean I want to get back together with him, or ever envision a shared life again. My heart is already falling for the Townie. But is it ok to still love B while that happens?

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Thursday night:

  • A catch-up dinner & beer with my friend J before a food sustainability talk at BU.

Friday:

  • Drooling over a breathtaking dress for the Royal Wedding
  • A day off from the Corporate world full of errands and laundry
  • A scrumptious, relaxing, and wine filled dinner in the North End (little Italy) with the Townie. Followed-up by pastries and meeting his sister and her fiance.

Saturday:

  • 2 childhood friends from New York making the trek to Boston just for me. Catching up and laughing all morning.
  • Midafternoon showing of Water for Elephants.
    Not as good as the book, but still worth seeing
  • Night of laughing, chinese take-out and actual pillow fights.

Sunday:

  • Grocery shopping, cleaning, and getting life organized.
  • A night visit from the Townie, accompanied by cupcakes and…a relationship talk. Bye by single status 😉

 

May is already off to a great start. 🙂

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