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Posts Tagged ‘My Relationship with B’

B called me this past Friday night.

As I was setting out my gear and clothing for each section of my tri I saw his name pop up on my phone. I almost didn’t pick it up, but it’s random when he does call so I thought maybe there was something wrong.

Turns out he was driving down to the Cape and wanted my advice on whether or not to buy a piece of Real Estate. I couldn’t talk long since my wake up time was going to be 4:40am but he did a quick overview of what was going on and I rationally tried to talk him through some of it.

We agreed it would make more sense to talk at a later time and hung up.

I really enjoy being B’s friend. Not in a, “let’s hang out and talk intimately about life together” sort of way but more in an “if anything is wrong, or you need to chat, here is someone who knows you so well” and it’s OK to call them.

But I no longer want to tell him certain details about my life, I want those saved for just the Townie.

I haven’t posted too much detail about the Townie. Part of it is in fear that by saying it somehow it will change things. Part of it is that this blog was founded on my breakup with B, going through heartbreak, and the ups and downs of dating. But that’s all changed and I guess my blog has really changed with it.

The truth is, I love the Townie, more than I ever expected to. I mean did I really think I would meet someone on Match.com? No! But, I’m just so excited for our future – the prospect of travelling together, living together and being married. I can picture him being such a great Dad. The way he looks at me, like I’m just this amazing girl he can’t help but love is the best feeling in the world. Every day I feel like I love him more and more and I just didn’t know that was possible.

I don’t really know if there was a point to this post except to reflect on how things really do change.  Without sounding too preachy, you just can’t picture what your life will be like in a year from now.

The most important thing I have learned from the last year is that you really have to take a few risks, be uncomfortable, and get out there to make changes in your life. I wouldn’t have done my first Tri, or gone gallivanting through South America with a new friend, or tried online dating otherwise. And most importantly, I probably wouldn’t be over B.

Yet now I’m hooked on tris and fitness, I’m planning yearly trips with that new friend who has become a great friend, and I’m in love with a guy who’s perfect for me.

It doesn’t mean all of your efforts to change will always turn out successful. I have countless posts on feeling lonely, frustrated, anxious and heart-broken. But eventually that changes too. All of that, was well worth the results.

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

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Last night I had dinner with B.

I walked to meet him after work at one of our old meeting spots. As I walked towards the meeting spot, I saw him before he saw me. I wasn’t sure what I was going to feel when I got closer. Sad? Excited? Indifferent?

And then we caught eyes as I got closer, and we both smiled and it just felt right to give him a big hug.

It felt nostalgic. And comforting. And easy.

We walked to his truck to drive over to a Mexican place outside the city. We quickly fell into our normal conversation pace – catching-up on the old, the new, the wants, the dislikes, the good, the different, etc.

As he was dropping me off at home we parked outside my apartment and continued chatting for about 15 minutes. There he mentioned a sensitive voicemail he had left me a few weeks ago. I never got it. He left it the night I was trying to get home from Florida (and got stuck in Baltimore during storms) and for whatever reason I never got that voicemail.

Funny how things works out like that. I don’t know what he said on that voicemail, and maybe it’s better I never did get to hear it.

We gave each other a big hug goodbye and I went inside and sat down to catch-up on shows before chatting with the Townie before bed.

And in early hours this morning when insomnia hit again, I received an email from B that started with this:

 C,
 It was so nice to see you tonight. Thank you for taking time to have dinner with  me. I felt like I could talk for hours more, when we got to your house.

I can’t lie, there’s of course a nostalgic feeling with B. There are moments where I just want to hop in his truck and drive up to Maine and chat with the radio off the whole way.

But deep down I know that’s no longer what I want.

What I want is to see him happy, truly happy. I want him to keep moving forward.

And I want to be happy. Maybe that means with the Townie, maybe it’ll be someone else in the end.

Whatever happens I know it won’t be B standing at the end of the aisle waiting for me to walk down it. But I do know he’ll be standing in a pew smiling for me.

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The Townie and my relationship so far has been smooth sailing. For the most part we get along, we have fun and it’s just easy.

But over the weekend I started to feel myself question things.

Now there are two different types of concerns I have with him. The superficial ones, the ones which I know are because I’ve been single for a year and not used to sharing again. Like someone barging into the bathroom while I’m in it without knocking, or the constant chatting while I need some quiet time, or the feeling of having someone on top of you all.the.time.

I know that a lot of those are just adjustment issues. They could easily go away with a little communication.

But then there are the real issues. Can I see myself with this person still in 2 years? Deep down, I’m pretty sure the answer is no.

This past weekend, for an entire day he talked about the future. We could do this, and we can do that, and on and on. But somehow we just couldn’t hold a conversation about anything current. I can’t talk to him for hours the way I did with others. We don’t have that connection.

I feel like certain people bring out the best qualities in you. They challenge you, sometimes without them knowing, to be a better you. Maybe that means listening more, or being more thoughtful, or trying new activities, or learning to stand on your own feet. And there are definitely people out there who do the opposite. They can bring out the worst in you, they become party buddies, or gossipers, or negative and try to bring you down too. However, you still learn from them and you learn about yourself.

But there’s an in between those too. In the beginning the Townie forced me in a way to look past judgements and stereotypes. But now that we’re past that, it just is. I don’t feel overly excited or ambitious in our relationship. I don’t feel like I want to push myself to learn new things, or be active, or dress up each time we see each other. On the other hand I can see my influence on him, maybe too much so. I say I might go to church, he wants to go to church, I say I want this for dinner, he wants that for dinner.

I know the comparing game is dangerous, and trust me, there are qualities in B that I never want in my next relationship. But now I see qualities that I think I need. I need someone I can sit and talk to for a long car drive. I need someone who supports me while still pushing me to be the best me. I want the relationship to grow (and understand there will be growing pains). I just need someone who brings something into the relationship.

So I guess the question is, where do I go from here? We have a weekend away together this weekend. I am looking forward to it and would still like to go.

But at what point does this become unfair? Even if I were to say to him, I’m not sure how I feel, (which I did this past weekend – and it resulted in hours of him saying how things were good) I can tell he would stay with me. For the hope that it might change. I know I could stay with him for a bit longer an have fun but I really don’t want to hurt him. I do care about him, I think he’s great, and his family is wonderful but it’s not enough.

I wish it was.

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While my mind is mostly thinking about how I’d like to be on the beautiful beach below today, a conversation with the Townie last night got me thinking.

Transport me here now.

weheartit.com

Last night the Townie and I were lying in bed chatting while I coughed up a storm. (Got my meds yesterday, the official word is I have bronchitis and an ear infection. Waaah. )

We were talking about how for the most part, we really get along. We communicate well, we respect each other fully and it just seems easy.

I’m not sure how it came up, but he said, “The only thing I can see us fighting over is your relationship with your ex“.

On the one hand, he says he trusts me 100% and doesn’t mind that I do maintain a friendship with B. But he’s wary of it, and deep down I know it bothers him a bit. I don’t want it to bother him.

I know I’m being a bit selfish. I don’t want to give B up. It breaks my heart a thousand times over to think I couldn’t check in once in a while with him and catch-up over dinner. I know the Townie would never force him out of my life, but at some point am I supposed to offer?

I tried to explain, which probably came out in the worst way, that I will always love B. No I’m not in love with him any more. But there’s a connection, an attachment, a deep care to continue having him in my life. I’m finally at this place where envisioning him with someone else is ok, as long as that person makes him happy and treats him really well. But envisioning my life without doesn’t seem ok.

The Townie said his fear is that I’m not really over him. But I don’t know if I ever will be 100% over B. That doesn’t mean I want to get back together with him, or ever envision a shared life again. My heart is already falling for the Townie. But is it ok to still love B while that happens?

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Okay so I’m not running but this is the place where I can be 100% honest so here it is.

Last night I went to dinner with B (Townie knew ahead so it wasn’t a secret).

Truthfully? Our connection has been lost a little. I expected that. I didn’t expect to have it feel so clear why I wasn’t with B any more (we spent two hours talking about him, I’m pretty sure he asked me all of two questions…)

But at the same time I was surprised at how at moments, I still longed to be comfortable and safe in his arms.

I went home and met up with the Townie for the night. Here’s a guy secure and understanding enough to let me go out with my ex boyfriend. And sweet enough to have officially asked about being my boyfriend.

And yet last night as we were falling asleep, the fear set in a little bit.

Is this happening to fast?

It was so different than with B. With B we were together almost 6 months before calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend – and at that point we were basically falling in love. Becoming boyfriend and girlfriend at that point made it such a secure decision. I knew he was 110% in it.

While it’s only been about two months, the Townie and I for a few weeks now have said that we aren’t dating anyone else. We see each other multiple times a week. We go out places, we stay in, we meet each other’s friends and starting to meet each other’s families. So label or not, we’re acting like boyfriend and girlfriend.

So why is fear creeping in?

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Exactly one year ago I wrote this post, Confessions at 25.

My God how life has changed.

For one, I’ve moved on from B. I still can’t believe it, but I’m exclusively dating someone, and it ain’t B. For another, I’m no longer jealous of other’s relationships. The “why not me” has turned into, everything truly does happen for a reason at the right time. I trust in that.

I want children one day. Actually, recently I’m scaring myself by wanting children now. (If someone would like to let me borrow their baby for a day so I can understand that I’m not quite ready for a baby yet, that would be great). Point being, I do want children, I just didn’t picture myself having them with B.

My Masters did have a return on its investment. Even if it was only in bonus and raise ($$$) form from my job at this point. Eventually, it’ll have some additional ROIs.

I’m sure as hell enjoying the travelling part of life and I’m making moves – between my tri, my trip to Patagonia, online dating and countless amazing times with family & friends. I’m living, happily.

So today, here are my confessions at 26:

I’m scared I’m falling for someone so different from what I expected that I may have to meet quite a few challenges to make it really work.

I’m scared I’m still not fully in the right career, and I don’t exactly know what the right career would be. I’m not sure I ever will.

No one tells you how hard it is to grow apart from friends. Even if you’re still surrounded by the most loving family and friends, losing even one friend is just plain tough. 😦

It’s almost too easy to get caught up in the “why not me, why not nows” in your mid to late 20’s. Why is she getting married? Why don’t I have that prestigious job? Why am I not buying a house yet? Wrinkles, maybe a gray hair, sweets sitting heavier on my thighs – is it time for hair dying, botox and lipo already?!

I can’t predict the future. Clearly I can’t considering my post last year couldn’t imagine letting go of B let alone being with someone else. So who knows what the next year will bring. All I know is I’m going to put myself out there, with the most positive attitude I can.

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The first time I sat two rows behind the Boston Red Sox dugout at a game

The first time I let myself start to really like another guy since B.

The first time I’ve let a guy stay the night in my apartment in over a year. 😉

The first time I woke up to someone cuddling me since B, and it felt right.

The first time I participated in a duathlon.

The first time I ever went to an event by myself and did it completely by myself.

The first time I went to a duathlon on too little sleep, not enough food, and pretty unprepared.

The first race I experienced that had 3 changes of weather: icy rain, then windy cold, then hot sunshine.

The first (and last time) I don’t check my tires before racing.

Had to ride 11 miles with that tire...

 
The first time I felt like no matter how hard I pushed, I just wasn’t going any faster.
 
The first time I watched people pass me on a bike leg…one after another after another.
 
The first time that I crossed the finish line at a duathlon, I did it!!! 🙂
 

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The Townie and I had a good third date on Saturday night. Dinner & drinks at a sushi place near my apartment then back to my apartment. And before getting any ideas it was pretty pg rated. 😉

We had gotten together at about 7 and then walked to my place around 10pm. We put on 127 hours which we semi watched, mostly talked though (we clearly watched when he actually cut his own arm off …disturbing). After that ended I think I put on a dvr’ed episode of Criminal Minds and we just kept talking and then a few other shows played on tv. All the sudden it was 4am and I was pretty surprised I was still awake that after being up early and having done that crazy workout.

For another I was taken aback by how easy it was to just hang out with him and talk and cuddle up on the couch.

He left around 4:15am with a kiss goodbye (ok first kisses – still awkward even if at the age of 26) but I’d be lying if I didn’t say I am cheesily smiling as I type this…

Anyway, we have plans to see each other again on Thursday and got to a sox game next week.

This whole thing has gotten me thinking. I think no matter what relationship, whether it’s 2 weeks or 2 years you end up learning something. For some reason that relationship was part of your life.

I already feel like I’ve learned quite a bit in this one. It’s called, seriously Caitlin, don’t judge a book by its cover.

The Townie comes off as a tough, 6’2, jacked-up, Boston-accented party boy. In reality he was a party boy during college (we had similar college habits actually) but now is very much type a, needs to be in control, cares a lot about his career, is an athlete, and parties but not nearly as hard as he used to. He’s funny, he can definitely make fun of himself, and we can be playful together – all of which I wasn’t sure of with his first marine like impression.

And another lesson-learned, getting over the initial fear of him meeting my family or friends and how they’ll judge him and let’s be honest then judge me.

But this all got me thinking. Everyone LOVED B. They loved him because when we went to a family function or a party or a wedding he made a point of making sure everyone liked him. So afterwards it felt good to think that everyone approved and was taken aback by him.

And yet, whenever we’d leave those family functions or parties with friends, or his friend’s weddings deep-down, I felt upset. Because at each of these activities when I was supposed to be the one he was thinking about, or caring about, or hell, even noticing – I was the person he noticed the least.

Instead of dancing with me during a couple’s dance he was chatting up a semi acquaintance to make a good impression, and didn’t even notice me sitting at a table while the other girls were taken by their dates to dance (true story, his friend actually came over at that point and asked me to dance). When he noticed someone’s glass was empty he’d run and get them a drink but wouldn’t think to ask me as I stood there with an empty glass. He’d make weekend plans to fit every friend and acquaintance in – making sure to show face at parties/activities/etc and put me last because he knew he could.

The thing was, he had already won me over. At that point he was busy making sure everyone else he encountered liked him or thought highly of him. And with that it meant that his mom, his sister, and myself – the 3 people he loved the most in the world – always came last. No matter how many conversations we had about it, it never changed.

So sure, it matters to me what my family and friends think. But truthfully most times they notice the surface level of people. Deep down I know they all want me to be happy. Maybe the Townie comes off a little rough, but his attention is already 100% on me.

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I’ve officially decided it’s time for everyone around me to give the DRAMA a break.

Crazy women at work: Stop with that snotty remarks that you end with a nasty cackle and little side comments in front of my boss. I’m not laughing with you. Yes I work hard, but I don’t want your job and I’d much rather spend my time doing my job than handling your nonsense.

Friends: Just stop. No I don’t want to pretend that our big group hasn’t all gone off in different directions but for the love of God can’t we all just get along? Can we drop that some of us aren’t binge drinking anymore (but we don’t care if you do), can we drop that some of you have weird tension and cattiness from 8 years ago, can we just make plans instead of 36 emails back and forth of being too timid to just name a damn place and time? I miss you all, I love you all, I just want drama-less time with you all.

B: If you’re going to send me pics of your new gun, and then pics of the shotgun you bought for me that I still can’t have until I get my own license – expect me to respond with, “take me shooting“. You’re BAITING me into it. So when you respond with, “My reluctance to go shooting has nothing to do with not enjoying that activity with you. It’s born out of repeated hurtful interactions with you. [Our burger place] seems like the best way to connect without being hurtful.” Seriously? Why didn’t you just say that originally instead of basically finding a way for us to argue into that conversation? I understand that, and it would have saved a whole slew of texts had you just said it. And you know what? I’m tired of our drama, so I don’t care anymore what we do or when we do it or if we do it.

Family: Yes I am still single. No I am not currently dating the love of my life. No I can’t tell you why that’s the case. Yes, I am officially dating a drug detective from Southie who drives a Cadillac and has a thick boston accent and boxes daily and pays for nice dinners and you know what? I’m having fun. JUST fun no wedding bells. Deal with it.

Myself: Stop with the I’m tired, my social life is crazy, I can’t get to the gym routine. All you’re doing is complaining about how you’d feel better if you went. Just GO.

Woohoo have a happy drama-free weekend 🙂

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Tonight will be my first second date since B.

I’ve been on SIX first dates since B (not including my mini-makeout session in Chile) and I just haven’t felt it with any of them. Well tonight I’m giving the Townie another chance.

However, I wish I had done a few things differently:

1. Worked out at least once in the past few days. It always makes me feel a little more confident. FAIL.

2. Done laundry. Or at least planned my outfit a little more. I somehow thought that this perfect dark green cardigan I saw at Ann Taylor Loft would be there today (I saw it weeks ago). FAIL. So right now I am left without clean clothing and no second option. JCrew will be my friend this afternoon instead of taking a lunch break. 🙂

3. Shaved. Ok TMI but it’s been a while since I have felt the need to shave. And while there are NO plans of my pants coming off, it’s that confidence sexy feeling. It’s hard to feel uber sexy when my legs resemble a bear . FAIL.

Oh well, either way, I’m breaking the first date only habit 🙂

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