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Posts Tagged ‘Operation ME’

After work tonight I took a 6:30 Spinning class at my gym. Now I have taken a couple Spinning classes before but always with friends. I was a little hesitant but figured this would be good for me to try out solo. Turns out there were only about 6 of us in this class so any thought I had of fleeing mid class was lost.
 
And then started the most intense, most painful, almost vomit inducing, 55 minute spin class.
 
There were moments when the bones in my ass felt like they were cracking. There were a lot of moments when my quads burned so much I truly thought I’d combust. And all the while I was sweating, turning a deep hideous shade of red and fighting for breath. (Clearly spin class is a great place to get a date!) Anyway, I felt compelled to stay and somehow managed to push myself harder than I ever have before.
 
And I got through it. I walked out of the class (legs slightly quivering) but feeling strong, healthy, and like a million trillion bucks. I conquered that class! I wanted to dance home I just felt so healthy and happy.
 
So this Spin class got me thinking. Right now my life feels like it’s in the middle of that spin class. It’s painful, a constant emotional rollercoaster, and honestly it’s just hard. But maybe in a few months from now (let’s hope sooner)  I will feel exactly like I did when I walked out of the Spin class tonight.  It might just take some hard work to get there. So it’s time to work hard. Because when I get through this, I want to be will be a stronger, healthier, happier version of me.

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Something clicked tonight. I think I’ve been touching on it for weeks but for whatever reason tonight it just clicked. All I can say is FINALLY.
 
I’m single and guess what? That’s OK.
 
While that’s quite normal for many people it’s something new for me. I have been in relationships since I was 13. Sure there may have been 1-3 weeks in between but honestly, I think 3 weeks was the longest length in between relationships. I never thought of myself as one to jump from one guy to the next it just always happened that way…
 
Age 13-16.5: “First love”
Age 16.5 – 18: “The bad boy love”
Age 18-22.5: “College love” (and a few random hook ups… it was college!)
Age 22.5- 23: “Coworker…mistake”
Age 23-25 : “B”
 
And almost exactly on my 25th birthday (November 26th) – I became single again. This is the longest I have ever been single.
 
It’s been a struggle at times. More than a struggle as you can read from my previous posts. But something made me realize tonight that it’s OK to be single. That for awhile I need to “just do me”. I talked about it in previous posts but for the first time I feel confident about being single. I don’t care about the pressure to find someone as soon as possible. If Mr. Right shows up in front of me don’t worry I won’t be running away but otherwise for a little while I need to figure out what makes me happy. What makes me feel whole. So that when Mr. Right shows up – he gets the BEST ME he could ask for.
 
So for now folks, I’m just doing me.

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I (sadly) have met people who don’t seem to grasp the concept of simple pleasures. Those little, sometimes silly things that make you feel content even on a bad day.
 
When asked I usually say that coffee is my most simple pleasure. From my first cup in the morning quiet of my apartment to a cup at the end of a long, delicious meal with family or friends.
 
Lately though, there’s a tie for my favorite most simple pleasure. My green, Hunter rain boots. That’s right. They aren’t anything beautiful and they definitely aren’t unique in the Northeast but they make me feel invincible when it’s raining or snowing. Now when I wake up to hear the rain I know I’m prepared to stay dry and (in my mind) I look cute and preppy.
 
There’s the calm in my mind after a good run. A good run can make all my worries, stress, and negativity fade away. What’s left is a content and optimistic mindset. You’d think knowing this fact, I’d exercise religiously every morning…
 
There’s all my dvr’ed episodes of Gilmore Girls. Yes, I do still love that show. It’s mostly out of nostalgia since my Mom and I used to watch the early seasons together. Now at night when there’s nothing on tv, I put on an episode and live it up in Stars Hollow.
 
Another favorite is singing while driving in the car by myself. I am that girl people see and laugh at because I am belting it out while banging on the steering wheel. But there’s something freeing about getting to sing by yourself in the car. There’s also something about my car that makes me think no one else can see me while I’m doing it. Which is of course not the case.
 
So if you happen to see a tall brunette run by in green Hunter rain boots, singing to herself all the while trying to sip coffee – you’ve spotted me.

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The power of positive thinking. I know, I know, there are about 6,000 self help books written on this subject. But seriously, today I started my day saying that it just will be a good day and ya know what? It is. Nothing in particular but it’s just a good day.

I left my phone at work last night so it was really strange to feel completely disconnected since I don’t have a home phone. (And by “completely disconnected” I still had internet access so not really…) But anyway I came into work and had a voicemail from B. Maybe it was a good thing I didn’t have my phone last night. He was just checking in about our hang out day on Sunday. I’m really excited to see him, catch-up, and just hang out like we used to. Will it be hard to not be affectionate? As always. But, I absolutely love spending time with him so I think all in all it’ll be great. I can’t believe that technically it’s been about 4 ½ months. (Well 2 months since we went to Ireland – even though nothing happened…)

I ran at the gym last night. I didn’t run far but I tried to run a lot faster by doing sprints and my legs are SORE today. It felt amazing to be running at an 8.5 on the treadmill. I could just picture Bob and Jillian screaming at me to keep going.

 

My best friend from childhood, we’ll call her Blondie, sent me a YouTube skit of our all time favorite stand up routine by Eddie Murphy this morning. I haven’t seen it in years and seriously, it makes laugh so hard I cry. I love it. Watch it!

I also ordered a handful of books from Amazon last night. I am so excited to have a good read going again.

 

And I was really productive on my Competitive Intelligence (grad class) team SKYPE call last night (ha so yeah, I really wasn’t very disconnected from the world without my cell phone) and we have a solid timeline now going for our final presentation. Makes me feel a little bit better about the whole 3 weeks until graduation and so much work!

 

And tonight I’m meeting up with a few of the girls at a bar to just drink and chat.

And… “I’m Ridin Solo, I’m Ridin Solo!!!!”


 

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“Some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.” – Sex in the City  

 I started a post at 3am last night after a night out and luckily fell asleep shortly into it. I’ll have to write a separate post another time about my 3rd e-harmony date I had on Friday night (nope, no chemistry again) and my lovely day yesterday of laying in the sun with the girls, a nice long dinner and a night out.

Anyway, last night I remember having a dream where I was laying on a sofa about to shake hands with a guy I thought was really attractive. You know what I did? I rubbed my hands all over the couch because I knew that by doing that I would then give him a small shock when we shook hands. That would show him we had a real spark.

 Pretty obvious the whole concept of chemistry is on my mind.

I’m going to really let down my guard and my insecurities for this post. I’m about to be feel more vulnerable than any therapy session I’ve had so be kind.

I’m scared if I take some time and stop thinking about dating right now that while I may become a better me, everyone around me will find a significant other (as they seem to be doing) and I’ll be the only one alone.

I’m scared I’ll be that friend that everyone talks about: She’s awesome, smart, independent, beautiful and yet we can’t figure out how she hasn’t met someone. (Think Jennifer Anniston…)

I’m scared I’ll focus on myself and then I’ll hear (or be told from him) that B met someone. And because of everything he learned from our relationship he’ll just know that she’s the one, and he’ll be 100% ready and I won’t even have someone I’m dating so I’ll break into 100,000 insecure pieces.

I’m scared (and so tired of feeling) that I’m only 25 and yet everyone acts like I’m a spinster for being single. That I should be settling for the guy who I don’t feel chemistry with in order to have someone.

I’m scared I won’t fall in love again. And not just any love – the stable, honest, openly communicative, deep, rewarding, challenging, best friend love that I had with B.

Wow, it made me feel better to just admit those. I just remembered about two years ago I went to a psychic with a friend on a whim. You know what the psychic told me at the very end of the reading? “You don’t have to be strong all the time. It’s okay to not always be the strong one.” Sometimes admitting your deepest insecurities can help move past them. Writing them here didn’t make them go away, or even necessarily make them feel less scary but there they are.

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Last night I went on a first date with a second e-harmony guy. On “paper” this guy seemed great. Funny, smart, fun, etc. I was so nervous leading up to the date I’m pretty sure that I spent the whole walk to the restaurant coming up with scenarios on how I could totally bail on it just so I didn’t have to keep feeling so uncomfortable.

And then I met him. I wasn’t nervous at all. But the reason I wasn’t nervous I realized about 5 minutes into it was that I just didn’t feel the connection. The butterflies weren’t there. Chemistry just can’t be forced. And I know now having been in a few different long term relationships that there are certain things I want and need in a relationship and one of them is “chemistry”. And it’s not just that I find the person physically attractive it’s that unable to put into words connection, spark, desire to see them again feeling. And if I really feel it’s not there after a 2.5 hour dinner, it’s just not there.

My friend asked me after, “Are you totally bummed?” And the thing is, no not really. Last night made me happy in a way, I realized how much I am content with the rest of my life – so much so that I won’t give up my independence or be with someone just to be with someone. I only want to be with someone when I feel it, when I want to be fully IN IT. I know too many people who will be with someone – anyone – rather than be alone.

I think many (some friends and family included) misunderstand when I use my ex (B) as a benchmark for future guys. It’s not that I have to have someone that is exactly like him and I also don’t expect anyone to live up to him right away because how can you compare 2 years to one date – BUT – I do expect that some of those core values are there. That’s what I WANT in a relationship. After having it before I know it’s possible and I refuse to settle for something less. When friends say just go on another date with him, maybe it’ll grow into something I just have to say no, I know myself, and I know what I feel and I just KNOW. With my ex we didn’t agree on everything at first, there were awkward points our first few dates – hell our first few months – but I knew the entire time – I KNEW I wanted to be in it and I never questioned that. Without that connection being with a person would bring out the worst in me and it would be unfair to them.

I texted B before bed last night saying that while I was thinking about it I know he had said when we were breaking up that the bar was set so high now for him to ever be with someone else – that I was still a 10 – etc, etc – so I wrote him saying that while I know at the time he said that I set the bar high for future significant others for him (at the time I kept quiet) I now realize he too set the bar high pretty high. He wrote back, “Wow, thank you for the nice compliment, Let me try to return it – you set the bar super high for my quality of life overall, with or without a significant other.”

Sometimes it’s hard, lonely and empty feeling because I would love to share my bed or just some of my silly excitement about life in general with a significant other. Sometimes (like after a text like that) I can’t help but feel my chest and throat tighten and the onslaught of tears coming and that deep ache. I wonder if that will ever go away.

I’m lucky enough to have amazing friends and family however, I’d be lying to myself if I said I didn’t want the partnership I had with B again. I’m sometimes scared that I just won’t find that type of connection with someone else.

I know a few weeks back I decided to start “Operation Me”. I think I haven’t put enough into it. I feel like I have been floating these past few months. I really do think it will feel good to focus on me for awhile. Even if that means the insecurities of being single. I just have to get through my third date tonight. Haha.

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This morning it was pouring and to be honest I let myself start the day in a poor mood. I felt guilty about how my family vacation went, anxious about how awkward the call had been last night, and just overwhelmed with getting back into school and work.

And then it just changed. Life today is good. My job was busy but I’m needed there. Needed so much that apparently I need to be on a 9:30pm conference call with Partners in our Asian offices tomorrow night. (That’s after a full day of work then class – eek!) But I don’t know, I feel a little more whole today.

Got an email from the boy tonight. Apparently my awkwardness wasn’t bad enough to scare him away. It’s funny, I think I felt so frustrated with the whole thing because it’s not me. Communication is one of my strong points in any relationships and I’m usually such a good listener. So to feel like I rambled just felt strange to me.

I’m thinking about getting a personal trainer. With my recent promotion, I can afford it and it might feel nice to spend some money on something that will make me feel physically and mentally healthier. Plus I’ll purposely schedule two half hour weight sessions in the morning so I’ll have to get up and go. I also reached out to a therapist to see if she had evening hours available. As potentially selfish as it sounds, I think I’d really like to spend some time working on my self and figuring out why on some days I feel lost, or still miss B so much, or have these ups and downs.

The progress continues. =)

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