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Posts Tagged ‘Quarter Life Crisis’

B called me this past Friday night.

As I was setting out my gear and clothing for each section of my tri I saw his name pop up on my phone. I almost didn’t pick it up, but it’s random when he does call so I thought maybe there was something wrong.

Turns out he was driving down to the Cape and wanted my advice on whether or not to buy a piece of Real Estate. I couldn’t talk long since my wake up time was going to be 4:40am but he did a quick overview of what was going on and I rationally tried to talk him through some of it.

We agreed it would make more sense to talk at a later time and hung up.

I really enjoy being B’s friend. Not in a, “let’s hang out and talk intimately about life together” sort of way but more in an “if anything is wrong, or you need to chat, here is someone who knows you so well” and it’s OK to call them.

But I no longer want to tell him certain details about my life, I want those saved for just the Townie.

I haven’t posted too much detail about the Townie. Part of it is in fear that by saying it somehow it will change things. Part of it is that this blog was founded on my breakup with B, going through heartbreak, and the ups and downs of dating. But that’s all changed and I guess my blog has really changed with it.

The truth is, I love the Townie, more than I ever expected to. I mean did I really think I would meet someone on Match.com? No! But, I’m just so excited for our future – the prospect of travelling together, living together and being married. I can picture him being such a great Dad. The way he looks at me, like I’m just this amazing girl he can’t help but love is the best feeling in the world. Every day I feel like I love him more and more and I just didn’t know that was possible.

I don’t really know if there was a point to this post except to reflect on how things really do change.  Without sounding too preachy, you just can’t picture what your life will be like in a year from now.

The most important thing I have learned from the last year is that you really have to take a few risks, be uncomfortable, and get out there to make changes in your life. I wouldn’t have done my first Tri, or gone gallivanting through South America with a new friend, or tried online dating otherwise. And most importantly, I probably wouldn’t be over B.

Yet now I’m hooked on tris and fitness, I’m planning yearly trips with that new friend who has become a great friend, and I’m in love with a guy who’s perfect for me.

It doesn’t mean all of your efforts to change will always turn out successful. I have countless posts on feeling lonely, frustrated, anxious and heart-broken. But eventually that changes too. All of that, was well worth the results.

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

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I miss the blogging world…a lot.

I never thought life would get crazy enough where I couldn’t find the time to post. But somehow it has. Yet this place is my outlet – a release from all of that. So I’m coming back. And I’ll catch up on the 500+ items in my reader – because your posts make me laugh, and smile, and most of all motivate me.

I’m transitioning to a management position at work. It’s exciting, but there’s just so much to do and prepare for. I’ve been clenching my jaw all day and dreaming about work at night.

I spent some time in Florida with my wonderful family. I spent the Fourth of July weekend down in the Cape with the Townie and 7 of his friends. I’ve driven to Rhode Island to have family dinners, even though it’s a 45minute drive each way on a work night, it’s worth it.

I’m cramming in nights to catch up with friends who have moved to new places, and weekends with family and New York friends visiting, and a 5k race this Sunday with the Townie yet I can’t remember the last time I ran.

Oh yea, I ran the Warrior Dash with 3 girlfriends. It was hilarious and fun. We all ended up with horrific poison ivy for days afterwards.

I’m not working out enough and I’m eating and drinking too much.

But life is falling into place. The Townie whispered he loved me this past weekend.  I whispered it back without hesitation.

I laughed so hard at dinner with my family last night that tears ran down my face and my stomach hurt.

While work isn’t always where I want to be, I’m finding happiness in being busy and challenged.

My energy has been directed towards deepening relationships with friends, family and even new acquaintances who make the effort right back. I’m slowly letting go of those who don’t.

6 months into 2011 I’ve realized the real secret to happiness. Let go of all the shit. Put 100% into people you love and what you want out of life.

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Yesterday afternoon I was listening to all of my girlfriends chat about what’s going on in their love lives. J and her Husband. S and her boyfriend. V and A with their new hookups. From husband to fun they each had someone.

And it really hit me.

For the past year, I have been in the breakup phase. It’s been OK to mourn, and go back and forth, and be mad then sad then reflect on it all. But now it’s been over a year.  I can’t use him as an excuse anymore.

I’m tired of thinking to myself that I want someone again and yet I can’t picture it.

Of course I can’t picture it – I’m not trying. I’m avoiding.

And I’m tired of looking at, feeling, and even talking about this almost 10lb weight gain.

I’m tired of being bored at work, pushing tasks aside to just wait until tomorrow, letting my stress build and build.

I’m tired of looking at some of the disorganized areas of my apartment thinking, I can’t bring anyone here it’s so messy.

I’m tired of looking at my life in a depressed state.

I keep saying, “one day”. One day I’ll feel fit and toned. One day I’ll have an important guy in my life again. One day my apartment will be clean and organized. One day I’ll cook meals every week instead of spending money buying them out.

Enough.

One day needs to become today. I’m wasting so much time in limbo. I’m feeling depressed and bored because of it.

Today I stayed home from work. I tossed and turned last night and woke up with such a headache.

And now I need to move forward. I need to make what I want to be my priorities, actually my priorities.

It’s time to workout hard, even when I would rather eat in front of the tv.
It’s time to do my laundry, go to the dry cleaners, and get rid of extra shit in my apartment.
It’s time to date, open-mindedly.
It’s time to appreciate friends and family.
It’s time to be productive at work.
It’s time to let myself find and enjoy hobbies.
It’s time to pull myself out of this long funk and live.

Not one day, today.

 

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Today was a good day. I do however wish it would keep going! I’m not quite ready to work again.

Anyway, I did all of my dishes this morning. Never underestimate how much better you’ll feel after doing all of your dishes and having a clean kitchen.

Midday I walked downtown and got myself a manicure. It was actually the first time I ever went and got a manicure by myself. To be honest I felt a little strange doing so until I walked in and realized 3 other girls were doing exactly the same thing. I ended up chatting with one for a while which was really nice. I also got my first “gel shellac” manicure with my favorite color, Lincoln Park After Dark. It doesn’t look different now but I’m told it won’t chip for 3 weeks which would be fabulous considering after 3 days the dark colors usually chip.

Early afternoon I finished the book I started Saturday night, The Kitchen House. It reminded me of The Help (which I absolutely loved). Addicting, painful, uncomfortable and outright frustratingly helpless, it was quite the emotional read.

This evening I had a chance to catch up with my friend A who was having a hard time and just a crappy past few days. We met at the gym for a 30 minute treadmill backwards walk and some tossing of medicine balls while she vented. I think it was exactly what she needed and hopefully just giving her a chance to let it out and have someone listen (while getting some exercise) helped. And we made sure to plan time together later this week too.

And then I signed up for another 12 sessions of boxing personal training sessions with my old trainer. 😉

I also really dedicated some time to look into my finances. I have a monthly budget and two new savings accounts (Emergency and a Dog/House fund) that will automatically pull a percentage of my check each month.

I did just notice the 146 emails and 36 winks on Match. I’ll deal with that tomorrow…

And now I’m off to write in my gratitude journal. I will be carrying this positive attitude into tomorrow. 🙂

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Gimme gimme gimme…

A quiet bike trainer I can ride in my fourth floor apartment

A new wardrobe that makes me feel put together and classy

A weekly hobby that I can lose (and therefore find) myself

A goal that I can focus on and feel motivated by

A resurgence of motivation and satisfaction with my job

A boyfriend…yup I said it. I want to find a guy that I enjoy spending time with, talking to and yeah well….

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“I need to shift the sails before the ship goes down.”

Maura had this quote in her last post and I haven’t stopped thinking about it.

My attitude of late is not something I’m proud of. Irritable, defensive, reclusive, and lazy. Knowing this is so far from my norm makes it feel that much worse.

I need to push myself out from wanting to be miserable. For some reason it just seems easier to keep riding through the days. But eventually the ship will go down and I fear at that point, it’ll be that much harder to shift my sails.

So I’m shifting. It may be slow but I’ve got to get back to feeling happy, secure, and excited. I think back to how I felt after completing my first triathlon. It was one of the best feelings – pure accomplishment, pride, excitement, and even astonishment. And it carried over for days. The weeks prior to the tri I had a schedule, a purpose and a hobby outside of work and friends and heartbreak.

Today I’m leaving November with my bored and negative outlook.

I’m leaving behind my 25th year and have started my 26th golden year and it’s time to make it golden.

I’m leaving behind the one year mark of B and I being broken up.

I’m leaving behind the heartbreak and the waiting for something to change between B and I.

I’m leaving behind the binge eating at night and the unhealthy living habits.

I’m leaving behind the nights of not enough sleep, of staying up well past midnight watching hours of trash tv.

I’m leaving behind the excuses – to not work out, to not meet friends out, to not clean my apartment, to not be productive at work – no more.

I’m leaving behind the victim mentality – I am responsible for my own happiness.

I’m leaving behind the fear – of moving on, of living my life and trying new things, of being single.

Hey December, bring it on.

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The last two weeks I haven’t been myself. My posts are full of frustration, anger, and irritability.

In 20 days I’ll be 26. I’ve never cared about my age before. If anything I always feel like each year gets better.  But this year to be honest, it’s a little scary.

In 14 days B and I will have been broken up for one year. I’ve let myself “heal” for 1 full year. But something about getting to that 1 year mark without having so much as kissed another guy is getting to me. I’m scared to hit that 1 year milestone.

And so something is nagging me this morning. It’s time to make some changes.

The first few months after the breakup and my 25th birthday I let myself wallow.  And I spent copious amounts of time with friends and family to distract myself. Then I pushed myself to move on – by going on vacations, working to get promoted at work, doing a triathlon, and even trying online dating and going out with 4 different guys. 

Now though I feel like I’m getting really comfortable with my life. I’m sure most people think, but comfortable is a good thing. But is it?

I hate feeling uncomfortable, but I find that’s when the best results occur. I hated getting ready and going out on dates, but after those dates I realize that I still had it, that guys were still attracted and interested in me.

I hate trying new things and I was anxious the first day of boxing. But look where I am now, I LOVE boxing.

I hated being terrified at moments to actually do my first triathlon, and yet it still is one of my favorite, all-time most positive moments of my life.

I need to branch out. I need to push myself to be a little more uncomfortable. Yes, I like that lately I can come home and no one plays a role in what I am doing. But I don’t want to be alone forever.

And I don’t want to just feel comfortable forever. It gets boring. It starts to make me feel a little empty.

So I guess today I’m thinking about what I can do to start pushing myself. To feel happier every day but to ultimately feel happy overall.

I’d like to start my 26th year (my golden 26 on the 26th) in a positive place. And I’d like to make the most of that year.  No more excuses and no more being afraid.

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NORTHERN PATAGONIA! I’m going I’m going I’m going!

I will be heading with my coworker to Argentina where we’ll hike, bike and white water raft our way on to Chile. Once in Chile we are planning to climb Villarrica Volcano. An ACTIVE Volcano. We’ll be outfitted with helmets and ice picks to do so.

This is definitely one of the biggest trips I have ever taken. It’s happening at the right time in my life and while money is now stressing me a little it’s worth it.

When else will I be able to take a trip like this?

Northern Patagonia region

First stop - Mt. Campanario, Argentina

The center of Villerica

Climbing Villarica

The center of villerica

The center of Villerica

The center of Villarica

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I have a lot I’d like to recap from this past weekend. But right now I want to write out my feelings after spending the day with B while they’re still fresh. Other than briefly seeing each other at my tri we haven’t spent any time in-person together in 3 months.

This morning at 7:30am B picked me up to head to a 10k we’ve done the past two years in a row. It’s of my favorite road races since it’s partially along a coastline and partially shaded near beautiful homes. Without going into too much detail about the actual run – I beat my PR by about 2:50, and my PR from 2 years ago by about 4:00. I’ll take it. My right leg was in a lot of pain by mile 4 and by the end I was holding back tears. The coolest part though was that we signed up so early I had bib #3 and he had bib# 4 out of over 750 racers! By far the lowest bib I have ever had!

Anyway, we had a nice ride up, we were both sleepy but it felt nice to be with in his truck just riding north. After the race he waited at the finish to hand me a bottle of water (I took it and promptly walked away so he and no one else could see the tears that were coming from the right hip/knee/ankle pain). He must have understood because he gave me a minute before following behind to make sure I was OK.

Post race he took a quick swim in the ocean and I attempted to get up to my knees in the 50 degree water which felt FRIGID. Then we changed and headed about 45 minutes away to Portsmouth, NH – a favorite city that we share so we could do our post race breakfast at the same cafe we did last year.

The whole day was a bit of a contrast to this day last year. Last year we ran the race, had a leisurely breakfast, played mini-golf where I kicked his ass, and just had an all together “couple in love” day.

Today I knew it felt different. For the first time I didn’t really want to know everything going on in his life. The past few times I was curious and wanted to keep up with his friends, his family, and him but this time I just wanted to talk about anything that wasn’t too serious. I felt really tired by the whole situation.

It was strange at times to not be able to hug, and kiss, and just connect in that way. There were moments where we were laughing or chatting away and it felt odd to not lean into him or have him grab my leg. But then there were moments where for the first time ever when he did or said certain things it didn’t bother me because it didn’t have to. This isn’t the guy I’m in a serious relationship with so when we’re mid conversation and he remembers he has to send a work email at that moment, it just didn’t bother me. It felt so different. It was a relief.

However, this time hanging out with him made me miss having a companion. Someone who knows me, and wants to hug me, and travel with me, and run races with me, and just be around me. I came home truly missing that. But it’s not B I’m picturing in that role anymore.

It’s someone who fits with me better. Who isn’t selfish. Who is willing to give 110% forever just as I will. Who doesn’t have set negative connotations behind the idea of marriage and family.

It’s hard to accept it, but today it hit me so hard, it’s over. We are just so past over.

I’m sad but I’m ready. I’m ready to make a connection with someone else. So yeah, send him my way.

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The difference in my myself today versus Sunday night through last night is incredible. Thank God I only feel like that for a few days a month. Even though today physically I’m not 100%, mentally I’m coming back 🙂

So in highschool after my parent’s divorced my Mom tried to have all of us girl’s (her three daughters) attend therapy. I actually really connected with my therapist and found her a great resource for talking, learning to communicate, and understand my feelings through my highschool years.

One thing my therapist always said to me. “Caitlin, you burn your candle at both ends.” I had a pretty serious class schedule between AP classes and extras, I had what looking back now was almost a full-time job (and not legal to have me working that many hours) at 25-30 hours a week, a serious boyfriend, friends and other commitments while applying to colleges. I remember the summer before my senior year of high school I even decided to take college classes at NYU on top of everything else.

The thing about being a “candleburner” (what as a joke I started calling myself) is that when I’m really busy, that’s when I become the most productive and the best version of myself. The more I have to pack into my day, the more I seem to be able to fit in and the better I am at doing it.

It’s why the past 3 years juggling a pretty hectic full-time job, part-time graduate school, a boyfriend, friends, family, traveling, working-out, races, etc worked out so well. It made me feel really content. Sure there was always one huge I-have-too-much-on-my-plate melt-down day every few months but I learned that I always needed a little “me” time each week and I would be OK.

So now that I am single and I don’t have graduate school I have noticed I have felt a bit empty. I have been clearly searching more and more with all my goal lists. I’ve also become more aware and sensitive when I don’t see my friends multiple times a week.

So this all brings me to my mini melt-down yesterday when I realized I didn’t have a packed weekend schedule. I actually started to feel really lonely, lost, and depressed.

Today I’m feeling a bit better. Partially the hormones are back on track, and partially because I realized it’s OK. I do actually have some plans but (gasp!) I may have some free time for myself.

Thursday night: drinks with my friend S
Friday night: no plans
Saturday morning: a long catch-up brunch with my friend J
Saturday afternoon/night: no plans
Sunday: 10k with B and lunch together after

Today I’m looking at it in a different light. Wouldn’t it be nice after work on Friday to go home, cook dinner and watch some tv and just relax? And maybe it would be nice Saturday afternoon to make a quick trip to JCrew at the outlets for Fall clothing without a herd of friends. And Saturday night I can actually clean my apartment, write-up an excel budget list, work on my vision board and get a good night’s sleep for my 10k.

I think my overall feeling of being somewhat lost, and the lack of a boyfriend has definitely been taking its toll on me. I’m working on it.

In other good news…

My photography class on Monday night was awesome. We learned more in one night than I could have imagined. The class itself is a mix of people who used to be really into film photography and beginners like myself. Quite a few foreign students too. I think overall I’m going to learn a lot and I’m thinking of creating a page with some quick tips about what I learn. I am sooo loving my camera 🙂

And now I’m about to head to my first boxing class. I’m nervous! One hour of boxing with a semi-pro and a few other people?Ahh! I’m excited to change it up though and it would be nice to meet some gym friends.

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