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Posts Tagged ‘Quarter Life Crisis’

NORTHERN PATAGONIA! I’m going I’m going I’m going!

I will be heading with my coworker to Argentina where we’ll hike, bike and white water raft our way on to Chile. Once in Chile we are planning to climb Villarrica Volcano. An ACTIVE Volcano. We’ll be outfitted with helmets and ice picks to do so.

This is definitely one of the biggest trips I have ever taken. It’s happening at the right time in my life and while money is now stressing me a little it’s worth it.

When else will I be able to take a trip like this?

Northern Patagonia region

First stop - Mt. Campanario, Argentina

The center of Villerica

Climbing Villarica

The center of villerica

The center of Villerica

The center of Villarica

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I have a lot I’d like to recap from this past weekend. But right now I want to write out my feelings after spending the day with B while they’re still fresh. Other than briefly seeing each other at my tri we haven’t spent any time in-person together in 3 months.

This morning at 7:30am B picked me up to head to a 10k we’ve done the past two years in a row. It’s of my favorite road races since it’s partially along a coastline and partially shaded near beautiful homes. Without going into too much detail about the actual run – I beat my PR by about 2:50, and my PR from 2 years ago by about 4:00. I’ll take it. My right leg was in a lot of pain by mile 4 and by the end I was holding back tears. The coolest part though was that we signed up so early I had bib #3 and he had bib# 4 out of over 750 racers! By far the lowest bib I have ever had!

Anyway, we had a nice ride up, we were both sleepy but it felt nice to be with in his truck just riding north. After the race he waited at the finish to hand me a bottle of water (I took it and promptly walked away so he and no one else could see the tears that were coming from the right hip/knee/ankle pain). He must have understood because he gave me a minute before following behind to make sure I was OK.

Post race he took a quick swim in the ocean and I attempted to get up to my knees in the 50 degree water which felt FRIGID. Then we changed and headed about 45 minutes away to Portsmouth, NH – a favorite city that we share so we could do our post race breakfast at the same cafe we did last year.

The whole day was a bit of a contrast to this day last year. Last year we ran the race, had a leisurely breakfast, played mini-golf where I kicked his ass, and just had an all together “couple in love” day.

Today I knew it felt different. For the first time I didn’t really want to know everything going on in his life. The past few times I was curious and wanted to keep up with his friends, his family, and him but this time I just wanted to talk about anything that wasn’t too serious. I felt really tired by the whole situation.

It was strange at times to not be able to hug, and kiss, and just connect in that way. There were moments where we were laughing or chatting away and it felt odd to not lean into him or have him grab my leg. But then there were moments where for the first time ever when he did or said certain things it didn’t bother me because it didn’t have to. This isn’t the guy I’m in a serious relationship with so when we’re mid conversation and he remembers he has to send a work email at that moment, it just didn’t bother me. It felt so different. It was a relief.

However, this time hanging out with him made me miss having a companion. Someone who knows me, and wants to hug me, and travel with me, and run races with me, and just be around me. I came home truly missing that. But it’s not B I’m picturing in that role anymore.

It’s someone who fits with me better. Who isn’t selfish. Who is willing to give 110% forever just as I will. Who doesn’t have set negative connotations behind the idea of marriage and family.

It’s hard to accept it, but today it hit me so hard, it’s over. We are just so past over.

I’m sad but I’m ready. I’m ready to make a connection with someone else. So yeah, send him my way.

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The difference in my myself today versus Sunday night through last night is incredible. Thank God I only feel like that for a few days a month. Even though today physically I’m not 100%, mentally I’m coming back 🙂

So in highschool after my parent’s divorced my Mom tried to have all of us girl’s (her three daughters) attend therapy. I actually really connected with my therapist and found her a great resource for talking, learning to communicate, and understand my feelings through my highschool years.

One thing my therapist always said to me. “Caitlin, you burn your candle at both ends.” I had a pretty serious class schedule between AP classes and extras, I had what looking back now was almost a full-time job (and not legal to have me working that many hours) at 25-30 hours a week, a serious boyfriend, friends and other commitments while applying to colleges. I remember the summer before my senior year of high school I even decided to take college classes at NYU on top of everything else.

The thing about being a “candleburner” (what as a joke I started calling myself) is that when I’m really busy, that’s when I become the most productive and the best version of myself. The more I have to pack into my day, the more I seem to be able to fit in and the better I am at doing it.

It’s why the past 3 years juggling a pretty hectic full-time job, part-time graduate school, a boyfriend, friends, family, traveling, working-out, races, etc worked out so well. It made me feel really content. Sure there was always one huge I-have-too-much-on-my-plate melt-down day every few months but I learned that I always needed a little “me” time each week and I would be OK.

So now that I am single and I don’t have graduate school I have noticed I have felt a bit empty. I have been clearly searching more and more with all my goal lists. I’ve also become more aware and sensitive when I don’t see my friends multiple times a week.

So this all brings me to my mini melt-down yesterday when I realized I didn’t have a packed weekend schedule. I actually started to feel really lonely, lost, and depressed.

Today I’m feeling a bit better. Partially the hormones are back on track, and partially because I realized it’s OK. I do actually have some plans but (gasp!) I may have some free time for myself.

Thursday night: drinks with my friend S
Friday night: no plans
Saturday morning: a long catch-up brunch with my friend J
Saturday afternoon/night: no plans
Sunday: 10k with B and lunch together after

Today I’m looking at it in a different light. Wouldn’t it be nice after work on Friday to go home, cook dinner and watch some tv and just relax? And maybe it would be nice Saturday afternoon to make a quick trip to JCrew at the outlets for Fall clothing without a herd of friends. And Saturday night I can actually clean my apartment, write-up an excel budget list, work on my vision board and get a good night’s sleep for my 10k.

I think my overall feeling of being somewhat lost, and the lack of a boyfriend has definitely been taking its toll on me. I’m working on it.

In other good news…

My photography class on Monday night was awesome. We learned more in one night than I could have imagined. The class itself is a mix of people who used to be really into film photography and beginners like myself. Quite a few foreign students too. I think overall I’m going to learn a lot and I’m thinking of creating a page with some quick tips about what I learn. I am sooo loving my camera 🙂

And now I’m about to head to my first boxing class. I’m nervous! One hour of boxing with a semi-pro and a few other people?Ahh! I’m excited to change it up though and it would be nice to meet some gym friends.

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I just came across this post on a great blog I follow. I thought it was neat, especially given my not so great day and mood. Here’s my version, with the first answers that came to mind.

I am… sitting on my couch in sweatpants, wrapped in a bathrobe, watching 19 Kids and Counting.

I want…to be in love again.

I have…a killer PMS headache. 

I wish… my Mom would find her soul mate who treats her like gold.

I know…my heart will eventually heal.

I hate…when people walk/step on my heels.

I hear…my ceiling fan whirling.

I crave…hot pasta.

I search…too often for life’s meaning.

I always…want to write another goal’s list. 

I usually…feel 100 times better after I exercise.

I miss…having a boyfriend who was a best friend, travel companion, and support system.

I love… getting up early on fall mornings and enjoying a cup of coffee.

I never…give up hope.

I rarely…floss.

I cry…when watching marathons or Julie Moss.

I lose…my sanity and rationality when I get my period.

I should…start saving a lot more money.

I worry…that my Mom is losing her beautiful, optimistic spirit.

I dream…of having a sunlit home, a caring husband, and a yard with a dog.

I was…heartbroken.

I need…to get more sleep. 

I can…make all my dreams a reality.

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After reading and hearing about vision boards I actually have decided to jump on the bandwagon.

The truth is, I love the concept. In the same way I think people should take time to recognize what they are grateful for or the same way positive affirmations work  I think a vision board can be a great tool.

It helps you recognize and put your goals into a visual tool that you’ll see as a daily reminder.  It focuses on the positive. And it’s creative and fun.

Last night I started perusing through the magazines I had in my apartment. It was really fun to spot words like healthy, meal planning, fitness goals, beautiful journey, etc that might end up being including on my vision board. I want to take my time and really collect a ton of graphic words and imagery to be able to play around with what I will want to eventually include on my board.

 It turned out to be a really fun and relaxing activity. I say it’s worth giving a try 🙂

Some neat examples of vision boards (images linked to sources):

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I wanted to create a new custom header to go along with the start of fall and the changes I feel are coming my way.

Truthfully, I originally started this blog because my boyfriend and I broke up. I hate that’s the reason but it was. I felt like life started to fall apart, I didn’t recognize myself and I got tired of complaining to my support system. Somehow though something wonderful came out of it and something I didn’t expect.

Sure I wrote (and will likely still write) about Benny and there were posts where I was so incredibly sad and confused. But it all made me remember how much I love writing. I have written in diaries and journals since third grade.

And it made me start to focus on my experiences so far in my mid 20’s. I do feel deeply amidst the whole “quarter life crisis”. Some days I feel completely lost in what I want to do with my life, in my relationships, in growing-up and my changing priorities and values. Then I have days where I feel energetic, alive and optimistic. It’s an up and down ride and this blog has been a great place to sort through all of it and get some amazing opinions, thoughts and support from other bloggers.

So my new header is part of the transition. It’s running from what felt like an unhealthy lifestyle – mentally, physically, and emotionally towards a healthy, happy, and love-filled life.

Cheesy as it may sound, I feel like I am officially allowing myself to move forward and start my Pursuit of Happiness.

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Friday night: scrumptious dinner with 4 of the girls at Sol Azteca. The coco fish was to die for. Ending the dinner with a real margarita (no mix) and a Mexican coffee = full tummy.  

Then out to a bar in Boston for a bit before calling it a night. Ever have a night out where it’s fun but you’re just not feeling being in a bar? By midnight I was ready to be back in my place.  

Saturday morning: brunch at Paramount. Oh my God. While it was strange to wait on a cafeteria style line the pancakes made on the spot, the giant bowl of fresh fruit and the turkey sausage = so.friggan.good.  

Saturday evening: Drove up to Lake Winnipesaukee with a friend and an old hilarious college friend. Reminisced. Stopped for dinner and ice cream.  

Sunday morning: Hiked Mt. Major. Spectacular views. Made me want hiking buddies in Boston so badly.  

Steeper than it looks!

 

View from atop Mt. Major

 

Sunday afternoon: Ate, relaxed, read. Another friend joined in for the fun.  

The view from my friend's lake house

 

Sunday night: We saw Eat, Pray, Love. Of course books are always better than the movies but I still enjoyed the movie. A few quotes really stuck with me.  

Liz: “I remember an old catholic joke about a man who spent his whole life going to a church every day and prayed to the statue of a great saint begging “please, please, please, let me win the lottery.” Finally the exasperated statue comes to life and looks down at the begging man and says “my son, please, please, please, buy a ticket.”  

I love this quote/joke. While I do think “everything happens for a reason” and “things work out as they should” I do think people have to take action. If you want to change your life, if you want to meet new people, if you want anything – you can’t just keep asking for it. You have to go after it.  

But my favorite quote…  

Richard from Texas: “You’re going to have to learn to select your thoughts the same way you select your clothes every day. Now that’s a power that you can cultivate. You want to come here and you want to control your life so bad work on the mind, and I don’t think you should be trying to control a thing because if you can’t master your thoughts you are in trouble forever.”  

Monday: Laying on the dock, going on a boat ride, and relaxing before making the drive back to Boston.  

And now back into the grind. I woke up in a crappy mood between sad dreams about Benny and feeling a little unsure about life right now. I’m trying to practice what Richard from Texas says above though. And it helps that my new DSLR just arrived at my desk 🙂

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