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Posts Tagged ‘races’

The Husband and I had the movie The Hurricane on in the background last night while we were cooking and chatting. At one point Denzel talks about the power of writing and the influence and impact of words. I can’t remember the exact quote, and I can’t find it anywhere but as he was saying that, the Husband turned to me and said, “That’s how you feel about writing”. I was taken aback that he pinpointed that, but he’s right.

When I can’t talk, I write. When I can’t be in reality, I read. Words for me are powerful, healing, and releasing. And so today, I’m going to just sit and write.

I went to my running class this morning. I’m so glad I did. Talking with a few women and then pushing harder than I ever have, or could have imagined during sprints – felt amazingly therapeutic.

I signed up for two races. A 5k in a few weeks honoring fallen marines and donating money to scholarships for their children. And a 5 mile race through the city of Boston honoring fallen law enforcement. There’s a bit of a pattern to the races I’ve picked and these are races that I will feel honored just to be a part of.

And today, as I was sprinting the half-mile run portion of class (between sprints, and incline intervals, we run a half-mile as fast as we can for time – it’s really fun…not) I realized that this 5k in about 3 weeks – could be my time to surpass my PR. I’ve never beat my original 5k time from back in March of 2008 – my first ever race and 5k and I want to. Badly.

Truthfully, I’m not sure I’ve ever really tried, or trained properly to try. I think with my current running classes, among strength and yoga classes, I have a real shot.  I think it’s also a huge part, mental. The 5k is the worst distance for me. I feel like I’m just warming up and getting into a groove when I hit 3 miles – so really – the whole thing feels brutal and then just as I’m starting to feel good, I have to sprint across the finish line.

I’m finally putting in the work to beat that time. I think mentally, I’m there too – and on that day – I’m going to be ready to push it.

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I’ve skipped out on races before. Twice actually. Once with B because we decided we were exhausted and knew we needed a break. The second time was this same race that I was running today, but last year. It was basically huriccaning out and I was out in Rhode Island so chose to stay with my family.

And now a third time, this morning.

As I drove with my friend Julie the radio in my car just shut off. It wouldn’t turn back on. So I started complaining a bit about how this car has something go wrong with it every few weeks and it’s a few hundred there and a few hundred here.

And then I was watching the dashboard and everything dropped at once – all the pins went down and the car slowly shut off. Luckily I was able to pull to the side of the road.

I gave it a few minutes and it wouldn’t start. But it seemed strange because I just replaced the battery about two years ago.  Then it started up but very quickly the dashboard died again and the car stopped.

So now, after waiting 45 minutes, AAA towed us to my “regular” car place they’re running a few electrical tests to determine what it is. It’s likely the alternator, which I’m hoping in comparison to something worse even though that’ll run me a few hundred plus labor.

Not exactly the best way to spend a Sunday morning, but I have a drive to NY next week so I’m glad it’s getting taken care of now.

And I’m going to beat my PR, it doesn’t matter how or when, I’m going to do it.

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I signed up with 3 friends for this. 🙂

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So the thing with seeing B is I like it when it’s controlled. We’re having dinner on Wednesday night mainly so I can borrow gear for my upcoming South America trip but also as a catch-up before the Holidays, etc. It works because it’s a set thing, I know we’ll catch-up and it’ll be nice. As we were coordinating the whole thing he mentions needing to go to pick up his race packet for this weekend.

We’re doing the same race on Sunday.

I don’t know why but it’s irritating me beyond belief. I am about to sound insane but I don’t want him at my race. I want to run that race with my friends without that feeling in the back of my mind that I’ll (literally) run into him.

I’m not moving on. I know I’m stalled. I haven’t been on a date since…June? I’ve had weird getting back together fantasies about B. I use him to fulfill some of my guy emotional desire.

But it’s not working anymore. Because I’m not fulfilled. And it’s time to be honest with myself. B isn’t enough. He isn’t available the way I need someone to be.

I’m just so mad at myself for continuing to hold on. How do I just force myself to let go. I’m so tired of holding on. Please please please let go.

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I wish there was some large effort in general to no longer give the squeaky wheel the oil.

It drives me nuts. N-U-T-S that people who argue, treat others meanly/badly, or make the biggest stink get their way. Why does it work that way?

At my job there are “standards/policies/etc” that I have to follow. On recent projects people have asked I push those aside. I go to my boss, she basically says, “Stay strong!” I stay strong and then that person throws a big enough stink that my boss or whomever steps in and says – OK let’s do this then.

Why, why do we think this behavior is OK? And why do we reward people for being jerks?

I don’t know how to explain what happened yesterday in an early meeting. I have been working on a really large project, with high-profile people and the woman heading the project is known to be difficult. She has her ideas and her way and that’s it. Anyway, the first hour of the meeting we spent going over everything I had created. And then at the end of the meeting – this is after hours upon hours of work – she threw me under the bus. She basically made it sound like I am not capable or smart enough to do what she is asking and that while “I may be doing things to the best of my ability, there are clearly better [options] our there”.

While it’s great and dandy that I know there aren’t better options (she really means technology and my training in what I’m doing) the others in the meeting didn’t. While I knew what she was saying didn’t even make sense I couldn’t really defend myself. Politically within this place, I just can’t.

So I suck it up and deal and move forward. But I don’t know if it’s worth it anymore.

Sure my boss and director heard about it and are going to do what they can but at the same time now we are dancing around what we can do to fix what she needs even if it breaks all policies and standards.

But when someone nice that I work with, who’s very much appreciative of my work asks me to break the same policy – it’s a hard and fast no. No way around it.

ANYWAY, in bigger and better news…

It’s FRIDAY and a few of my coworkers and I have officially made Fridays “Cookie Friday”. Each Friday for the past 3 weeks we went to the little bakery downstairs and each got an amazing cookie. We change flavors each week. It’s a little something to look forward to!

I signed up for personal boxing sessions. Twice a week for 6 weeks I will be doing half-hour boxing sessions with my favorite trainer 😉 . I think boxing has become an amazing release of my work aggression.

I also signed up with a friend for the December Jingle Bell 5k Run. I’ve never done a race where I dress up as anything (other than a runner) but I think this year it’ll be fun to wear Christmas attire. I think I’m going to be an elf. Plus I haven’t done a 5k in so long – only 10k’s so I can’t wait to see what I’m really able to push myself to do. [I think a goal PR is in the near future…]

And I actually have a relaxing weekend ahead of me. NO plans tonight (I love it – a rainy night in is what i want). Saturday dinner and then out with a bunch of the girls and Sunday afternoon with friends and friends’ friends to watch the Pats game at a bar.

TGIF.

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