Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘reflection’

B called me this past Friday night.

As I was setting out my gear and clothing for each section of my tri I saw his name pop up on my phone. I almost didn’t pick it up, but it’s random when he does call so I thought maybe there was something wrong.

Turns out he was driving down to the Cape and wanted my advice on whether or not to buy a piece of Real Estate. I couldn’t talk long since my wake up time was going to be 4:40am but he did a quick overview of what was going on and I rationally tried to talk him through some of it.

We agreed it would make more sense to talk at a later time and hung up.

I really enjoy being B’s friend. Not in a, “let’s hang out and talk intimately about life together” sort of way but more in an “if anything is wrong, or you need to chat, here is someone who knows you so well” and it’s OK to call them.

But I no longer want to tell him certain details about my life, I want those saved for just the Townie.

I haven’t posted too much detail about the Townie. Part of it is in fear that by saying it somehow it will change things. Part of it is that this blog was founded on my breakup with B, going through heartbreak, and the ups and downs of dating. But that’s all changed and I guess my blog has really changed with it.

The truth is, I love the Townie, more than I ever expected to. I mean did I really think I would meet someone on Match.com? No! But, I’m just so excited for our future – the prospect of travelling together, living together and being married. I can picture him being such a great Dad. The way he looks at me, like I’m just this amazing girl he can’t help but love is the best feeling in the world. Every day I feel like I love him more and more and I just didn’t know that was possible.

I don’t really know if there was a point to this post except to reflect on how things really do change.  Without sounding too preachy, you just can’t picture what your life will be like in a year from now.

The most important thing I have learned from the last year is that you really have to take a few risks, be uncomfortable, and get out there to make changes in your life. I wouldn’t have done my first Tri, or gone gallivanting through South America with a new friend, or tried online dating otherwise. And most importantly, I probably wouldn’t be over B.

Yet now I’m hooked on tris and fitness, I’m planning yearly trips with that new friend who has become a great friend, and I’m in love with a guy who’s perfect for me.

It doesn’t mean all of your efforts to change will always turn out successful. I have countless posts on feeling lonely, frustrated, anxious and heart-broken. But eventually that changes too. All of that, was well worth the results.

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

Advertisements

Read Full Post »

When I first moved to Boston after college I craved chaos.

Basically, I wanted to continue with my college social life. I worked a job I hated from 9am to 7pm and then ordered takeout or went out to eat every night and frequented the bars as often as possible. I stayed over at friend’s places for an entire weekend – eating, drinking and socializing every free second of time. I did my laundry maybe once in the time of 3 months and cleaning absolutely never happened. And the gym? Not a chance.

That all toned down a bit when I got a different job and started getting my masters at night. However, it was still chaos, just controlled chaos. I’d go to work from 9am-5:30pm, run to class from 6pm-9pm, then see my boyfriend, friends or run after. Most mornings I found myself getting up hours early to attempt to write a paper or read assigned texts for a class that night. Weekends were packed with friends or travel.

And this summer has really topped the chaos meter. Don’t get me wrong, this summer has been fantastic:

  • 2 Cape Cod trips with the Townie (one with his friends)
  • 1 trip to Florida with family
  • 1 trip to NY for my sister’s graduation from college
  • Warrior Dashing through mud (resulting in poison ivy) and gallivanting around phantom gourmet’s bbq beach party
  • A night in Rhode Island for dinner with family & the Townie
  • A moving away party for a friend
  • A weekend visit from 3 NY besties packed with a duck tour and red sox game
  • A week-long training at work
  • A week-long beach vacation with a few of the girls
  • A Portsmouth weekend trip with the Townie
  • A going away party for another friend
  • A birthday bbq in the suburbs

And that’s not including tri training, dinners after work with friends, or the upcoming weeks with 2 weddings, 2 tris, a 10k, a Patriots game, 2 kayaking trips, 2 fantasy football leagues & drafts, and a weekend in Stowe, Vermont with zip lining. That’s just the end of August through September.

Whoa.

As the summer is coming to an end and my crazy Fall is starting I am realizing all I want these days is some simplicity and routine.

I’m craving getting up in the morning and going to a spin class, going to work, coming home to a clean apartment, cooking a fabulous home cooked dinner and sitting down with the Townie to enjoy it.

I’m craving a weekend morning where I can wake up and not have a packed schedule for the day. Instead just decide what I want to do that day.

I’m craving living off of one cup of coffee on most days and not 4 in order to keep my eyes open.

I’m craving exercise for fun, and not for tri or road race training.

I’m craving quality time with my friends, but not having to make plans multiple nights per week, squeezing it all in.

I feel like I’m ready to leave behind the chaos and even some of the controlled chaos for a while.

I’m ready to build a life with the Townie, which means fantasizing about moving in together when my lease runs up next Spring. And yes that fantasy includes a pave setting princess cut diamond ring hanging out on my finger. 🙂

I feel like I’m ready to have more space than my studio apt (umm, like a bedroom!) but also so I can cook dinners and invite people over and skip the crowded bars where I have to scream at my friend to find out how her new job is going only to ask “what” 4 times before hearing her answer.

Maybe that makes me old, or boring, or anti-social, but it’s a change I’m going with. This fall and winter I’m toning it all down. Maybe simplicity isn’t such a bad thing. 🙂

*source

Read Full Post »

I

Last year I read Danielle’s “I…” post  and loved the idea of it. I immediately copied it and made my own “I post”

When I came across her version again this year, I knew I wanted to do it again too. The best part was that I wrote out my answers and then compared last year to this years. What a difference.

I am… so excited about my vacation with a few girlfriends next week

I want…a house, or better yet just more space than my tiny HOT studio apartment

I have… a sugar coma from eating 3 donuts today

I wish… I would be at my happy weight

I know…that I can have everything I want but I need to stop rushing to get it

I hate…when people talk really slowly. Sorry, I just want to bang my head against the wall while waiting for your sentence to be finished

I hear…people typing.

I crave… a few days at the beach, with a good book, and a good night’s sleep after getting a tan

I search…for future trips with the Townie

I always…drink at least 68 ounces of water a day

I usually…have to tell myself to “keep calm and carry on” at least once a day

I miss… my friendship with B, carefree highschool days, and seeing my girlfriends almost every day

I love… Pretty Little Liars

I never…thought I’d be planning the Townie & my engagement scenario in my head…

I rarely…wash my dishes, do my laundry and take out the trash after the first time that I say I need to

I cry… when I see other people’s feelings getting hurt.

I lose…patience when people bring drama into their lives

I should…save more money, clean my apartment and eat healthier

I worry…about my life choices and if they are what will make me the happiest

I dream…too vividly and end up mad at people because of what they did in my dreams

I was…heartbroken the last time I took this survey

I need… to catch up on all my dvr’ed shows

I can…not even imagine what the future is going to bring 🙂

Read Full Post »

Last night I had dinner with B.

I walked to meet him after work at one of our old meeting spots. As I walked towards the meeting spot, I saw him before he saw me. I wasn’t sure what I was going to feel when I got closer. Sad? Excited? Indifferent?

And then we caught eyes as I got closer, and we both smiled and it just felt right to give him a big hug.

It felt nostalgic. And comforting. And easy.

We walked to his truck to drive over to a Mexican place outside the city. We quickly fell into our normal conversation pace – catching-up on the old, the new, the wants, the dislikes, the good, the different, etc.

As he was dropping me off at home we parked outside my apartment and continued chatting for about 15 minutes. There he mentioned a sensitive voicemail he had left me a few weeks ago. I never got it. He left it the night I was trying to get home from Florida (and got stuck in Baltimore during storms) and for whatever reason I never got that voicemail.

Funny how things works out like that. I don’t know what he said on that voicemail, and maybe it’s better I never did get to hear it.

We gave each other a big hug goodbye and I went inside and sat down to catch-up on shows before chatting with the Townie before bed.

And in early hours this morning when insomnia hit again, I received an email from B that started with this:

 C,
 It was so nice to see you tonight. Thank you for taking time to have dinner with  me. I felt like I could talk for hours more, when we got to your house.

I can’t lie, there’s of course a nostalgic feeling with B. There are moments where I just want to hop in his truck and drive up to Maine and chat with the radio off the whole way.

But deep down I know that’s no longer what I want.

What I want is to see him happy, truly happy. I want him to keep moving forward.

And I want to be happy. Maybe that means with the Townie, maybe it’ll be someone else in the end.

Whatever happens I know it won’t be B standing at the end of the aisle waiting for me to walk down it. But I do know he’ll be standing in a pew smiling for me.

Read Full Post »

The Townie and my relationship so far has been smooth sailing. For the most part we get along, we have fun and it’s just easy.

But over the weekend I started to feel myself question things.

Now there are two different types of concerns I have with him. The superficial ones, the ones which I know are because I’ve been single for a year and not used to sharing again. Like someone barging into the bathroom while I’m in it without knocking, or the constant chatting while I need some quiet time, or the feeling of having someone on top of you all.the.time.

I know that a lot of those are just adjustment issues. They could easily go away with a little communication.

But then there are the real issues. Can I see myself with this person still in 2 years? Deep down, I’m pretty sure the answer is no.

This past weekend, for an entire day he talked about the future. We could do this, and we can do that, and on and on. But somehow we just couldn’t hold a conversation about anything current. I can’t talk to him for hours the way I did with others. We don’t have that connection.

I feel like certain people bring out the best qualities in you. They challenge you, sometimes without them knowing, to be a better you. Maybe that means listening more, or being more thoughtful, or trying new activities, or learning to stand on your own feet. And there are definitely people out there who do the opposite. They can bring out the worst in you, they become party buddies, or gossipers, or negative and try to bring you down too. However, you still learn from them and you learn about yourself.

But there’s an in between those too. In the beginning the Townie forced me in a way to look past judgements and stereotypes. But now that we’re past that, it just is. I don’t feel overly excited or ambitious in our relationship. I don’t feel like I want to push myself to learn new things, or be active, or dress up each time we see each other. On the other hand I can see my influence on him, maybe too much so. I say I might go to church, he wants to go to church, I say I want this for dinner, he wants that for dinner.

I know the comparing game is dangerous, and trust me, there are qualities in B that I never want in my next relationship. But now I see qualities that I think I need. I need someone I can sit and talk to for a long car drive. I need someone who supports me while still pushing me to be the best me. I want the relationship to grow (and understand there will be growing pains). I just need someone who brings something into the relationship.

So I guess the question is, where do I go from here? We have a weekend away together this weekend. I am looking forward to it and would still like to go.

But at what point does this become unfair? Even if I were to say to him, I’m not sure how I feel, (which I did this past weekend – and it resulted in hours of him saying how things were good) I can tell he would stay with me. For the hope that it might change. I know I could stay with him for a bit longer an have fun but I really don’t want to hurt him. I do care about him, I think he’s great, and his family is wonderful but it’s not enough.

I wish it was.

Read Full Post »

While my mind is mostly thinking about how I’d like to be on the beautiful beach below today, a conversation with the Townie last night got me thinking.

Transport me here now.

weheartit.com

Last night the Townie and I were lying in bed chatting while I coughed up a storm. (Got my meds yesterday, the official word is I have bronchitis and an ear infection. Waaah. )

We were talking about how for the most part, we really get along. We communicate well, we respect each other fully and it just seems easy.

I’m not sure how it came up, but he said, “The only thing I can see us fighting over is your relationship with your ex“.

On the one hand, he says he trusts me 100% and doesn’t mind that I do maintain a friendship with B. But he’s wary of it, and deep down I know it bothers him a bit. I don’t want it to bother him.

I know I’m being a bit selfish. I don’t want to give B up. It breaks my heart a thousand times over to think I couldn’t check in once in a while with him and catch-up over dinner. I know the Townie would never force him out of my life, but at some point am I supposed to offer?

I tried to explain, which probably came out in the worst way, that I will always love B. No I’m not in love with him any more. But there’s a connection, an attachment, a deep care to continue having him in my life. I’m finally at this place where envisioning him with someone else is ok, as long as that person makes him happy and treats him really well. But envisioning my life without doesn’t seem ok.

The Townie said his fear is that I’m not really over him. But I don’t know if I ever will be 100% over B. That doesn’t mean I want to get back together with him, or ever envision a shared life again. My heart is already falling for the Townie. But is it ok to still love B while that happens?

Read Full Post »

It was sunny and warm this morning as I slowly walked home from my 6am kettlebells class.

It gave me the itch. The deep desire for summer days.

The smell of fresh mowed lawns.
The feeling motivation to be outside early in the morning and late into the evening.
The thought of sipping wine on a front porch.
Or having off of work (sometimes I really miss being in school).
Driving with my sun roof open and my windows down.

But I won’t lie, I’m scared for the summer to start. Deep down I’m hiding the inevitable ache that’s going to come. When it becomes real that each weekend I can’t hop into my car, drive to Rhode Island, and spend the days with my family on the beach and the nights playing cards and drinking in our old wooden cottage.

The escape I had for 25 years, doesn’t exist anymore.

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »