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Posts Tagged ‘reflection’

Thursday night:

  • A catch-up dinner & beer with my friend J before a food sustainability talk at BU.

Friday:

  • Drooling over a breathtaking dress for the Royal Wedding
  • A day off from the Corporate world full of errands and laundry
  • A scrumptious, relaxing, and wine filled dinner in the North End (little Italy) with the Townie. Followed-up by pastries and meeting his sister and her fiance.

Saturday:

  • 2 childhood friends from New York making the trek to Boston just for me. Catching up and laughing all morning.
  • Midafternoon showing of Water for Elephants.
    Not as good as the book, but still worth seeing
  • Night of laughing, chinese take-out and actual pillow fights.

Sunday:

  • Grocery shopping, cleaning, and getting life organized.
  • A night visit from the Townie, accompanied by cupcakes and…a relationship talk. Bye by single status 😉

 

May is already off to a great start. 🙂

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Exactly one year ago I wrote this post, Confessions at 25.

My God how life has changed.

For one, I’ve moved on from B. I still can’t believe it, but I’m exclusively dating someone, and it ain’t B. For another, I’m no longer jealous of other’s relationships. The “why not me” has turned into, everything truly does happen for a reason at the right time. I trust in that.

I want children one day. Actually, recently I’m scaring myself by wanting children now. (If someone would like to let me borrow their baby for a day so I can understand that I’m not quite ready for a baby yet, that would be great). Point being, I do want children, I just didn’t picture myself having them with B.

My Masters did have a return on its investment. Even if it was only in bonus and raise ($$$) form from my job at this point. Eventually, it’ll have some additional ROIs.

I’m sure as hell enjoying the travelling part of life and I’m making moves – between my tri, my trip to Patagonia, online dating and countless amazing times with family & friends. I’m living, happily.

So today, here are my confessions at 26:

I’m scared I’m falling for someone so different from what I expected that I may have to meet quite a few challenges to make it really work.

I’m scared I’m still not fully in the right career, and I don’t exactly know what the right career would be. I’m not sure I ever will.

No one tells you how hard it is to grow apart from friends. Even if you’re still surrounded by the most loving family and friends, losing even one friend is just plain tough. 😦

It’s almost too easy to get caught up in the “why not me, why not nows” in your mid to late 20’s. Why is she getting married? Why don’t I have that prestigious job? Why am I not buying a house yet? Wrinkles, maybe a gray hair, sweets sitting heavier on my thighs – is it time for hair dying, botox and lipo already?!

I can’t predict the future. Clearly I can’t considering my post last year couldn’t imagine letting go of B let alone being with someone else. So who knows what the next year will bring. All I know is I’m going to put myself out there, with the most positive attitude I can.

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In the past few months I have gotten used to:

  • Eating double and triple portion sized meals
  • Eating handfuls of sweet & salty fixes in between meals and snacks
  • Eating two dinners…one before the gym and one after. Both “real” dinner size.
  • Eating when I’m mad, sad, bored, tired, lonely, and even happy.
  • Eating when I’m not hungry.
  • Eating past the point of full into that uncomfortable, please make it go away full.
  • Eating so my stomach bloats and once it goes back to feeling normal, feeling like I should eat again.
  • Eating with the Townie and then late night again after seeing him.
  • Eating to celebrate – holidays, seeing family, friends, nice weather, cold weather,  workout accomplishments, Fridays, Royal engagements – you name it, it’s a time for celebratory eating.

  • Eating food heavy in cheese, butter, cream, meat, and fat with little vegetables.

When it comes down to it, even on top of my workouts, my body isn’t feeling it’s best. It feels sluggish, and heavy, and the extra weight hanging around my stomach is just plain uncomfortable.

So maybe I somewhat fell through on quite a few of my April goals. But I can say that for the next few weeks I am going to be conscious of what I eat. Sure I’ll still have my pizza, pasta and sweets. I mean I do have a yummy North End dinner with the Townie to look forward to on Friday. 😉

But it’s time for me to eat in moderation and eat out of hunger and not from my emotions. For the next 30 days I’d like to be truly conscious when I eat.

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I could talk about the ups and downs and confusion I’m feeling with my career right now.

Or I could talk about the extra 5-10lbs still sitting heavy around my stomach and thighs.

Or that I’ve bought lunch twice in the past week when I was supposed to bring every day.

Or that there’s a brutal crink in my right shoulder and neck from sleeping funny.

But instead some wonderful things have taken over my mind today, and you know what? All of the above will work itself out eventually.

Right after work last night I headed to the gym to get a quick run in. I had no expectations of the run, but it turned into one of my best runs in weeks. I didn’t feel tired or out of breath at all. It truly felt like I could keep running forever and I just kept picturing myself competing this year in my tris. Maybe it was the day off previously from working out, the good night’s sleep, the 100 ounces of water throughout the day – whatever it was it felt amazing.

Following my amazing run I had a 4.5 hour dinner with 3 of my girlfriends. It felt like a scene straight out of Sex & The City. We sat there, chatting about everything from work, to current events, to food, (attempted planning of) summer vacations, men and sex. I haven’t laughed so much in weeks. I left feeling lucky.

Plus it’s official, my family will be spending 5 days together in Jupiter in a few weeks where I plan on doing nothing but sitting by the pool, tanning, and eating seafood.

And finally the Townie. Have I mentioned he wears a uniform and carries a gun? Or that he’ll be amateur boxing in a month at a real venue? Or his season tickets to the Patriots? Or best, his ability to pick me up and toss me on my bed like I’m a friggan feather? (I’m over 5’7, I’m not tiny!)

Sure I have freak-out moments (is it moving too fast? Is he what I want right now? What about this, or this, or this?) but in reality, things are completely different from what I expected and exactly where they should be at the same time.

So you know what? It’s all good. 🙂

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I’m struggling a bit with my balance recently. My month’s goal was to focus on balance and while I’m not failing at it, I’m definitely still working it out.

Last weekend I spent a fantastic weekend in Rhode Island with my family. So fantastic that I was convinced to stay through until Monday morning when I had to pop out of bed by 5:30 to get back to Boston for work.

Monday night was a late night of boxing followed by an even earlier morning of kettlebells. Tuesday night was an awesome night with the Townie, but one that included meat lover’s pizza and kissing on my couch until almost 1am.

Two nights in a row of less than 6 hours of sleep made me exhausted all day on Wednesday. I did some quick errands on Wednesday night before trying to get into bed early. (For some reason once again I tossed and turned getting only 6 hours of sleep.)

My day at work yesterday was absolutely insane, I even squeezed in a catch-up yogurt date with one of my friends mid-day, and then I ran out to meet my friend J to catch-up and have dinner. A full personal pan pizza for me later I was feeling bloated and exhausted as we left each other around 9pm.

I am pretty sure I was passed out before 11pm last night.

Another early morning today so I could come into work today before 8am so that I could leave for a 3:30 doctor’s appointment and then go straight home to change before the game.

And my head starts to swirl when I think about the weekend…

  • Will the Townie be staying the night?
  • I have boxing at 10:30a tomorrow
  • I need to: inflate my tires, test attach my bike to my car, lay out all of my gear/food and plan out my leave time for my duathlon on Sunday morning
  • Attend my friend’s birthday dinner and then be a good sport for a little bit at the bar (no drinking, but maybe a little dancing)
  • Get into bed at a “decent” time since I’ll need to be up at 5:00am on Sunday
  • Participate in my first season opener duathlon on Sunday

As much as I love what’s going on in my life right now, I have to figure out a way to balance it a bit more. I’m feeling pretty chaotic, not prepared for my duathlon, a little out of control because of my new feelings for the Townie (ok I can’t help that one 😉 ) and just not the healthiest version of myself.

My first instinct is to stop hanging out so much with the Townie and friends, and just get my stuff together. But that’s not the answer, I will always have this busy (if not busier) schedule to deal with. So somehow I just need to make sure not to throw healthy eating, exercise, and sleep to the wayside with my busy changing schedule.

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Every family has its secrets. On the outside you’d never guess half of what goes on, and what you would guess is probably far off from the real truth.

When my parents got divorced, I was completely surprised. Looking back, it shouldn’t have been such a surprise but back then it was.

My childhood wasn’t filled with my parents fighting, or yelling, or seeming unhappy.

If anything, my childhood was filled with two loving parents who always respected each other.

My Dad was an incredibly fun Dad. He was active in our lives when so many other Fathers weren’t – he came to all of our sports games, he came to Father-Daughter girl-scout dances, he took us to the movies/zoo/ and theme parks, he “cooked” us dinner nightly (ok he heated up chicken nuggets or made mac-n-cheese).

Saturday mornings were my favorite. I’d wake up to him & my Mom making french toast or pancakes while dancing around to the Gypsy Kings, Depeche Mode and other 80’s music that now makes me smile every time I hear it.

But the year prior to my parent’s divorce I could feel a difference. My father had a temper, one that I feared would erupt at the wrong times.

He was the only son (with 3 sisters) to an off-the-boat Sicilian dad who was a prison guard at Sing Sing. My Dad was told to be a tough man, never a sissy, his whole life. He was the man of the house and he would need to be the one to keep the family name going.

As fate would have it, he had 3 daughters. 🙂

It was one year after the divorce that we found out the real reason my parents split.

My Dad is gay.

Maybe he knew it his whole life and had been hiding it, maybe he repressed it enough that he was happy for 20 years of marriage and kids until he couldn’t hide who he was any more. It doesn’t matter.

My Mother had asked that he wait one year after the divorce before telling us. Still the most amazingly strong woman I know, she didn’t want us to blame or hate my father for their divorce.

Because of my Mom, we didn’t. Because even if she was hurting, felt completely lied to, or bitter – we never ever saw that. She moved on and made us move on too.

My father moved to another state but to this day he reaches out to us more than we even reach out to him. I visit him every few months and spend a weekend talking, laughing, and smiling. Myself and my sisters are his everything and he makes sure we know that.

My father is a different person now. He’s the happiest and most at-peace person I have ever known. He has been with his partner for 11 years, a man who is an amazing and loving Step-Father to me.

Almost anyone close to me knows this. Sure, there are times that it’s awkward to bring up but I’ve never once been ashamed of my father. I’m used to people using terms like “gay” and “fag” and while I don’t use them myself, it doesn’t sting like one would expect it would. And even the most manly men I’ve dated get over it quickly. Because I have no doubt if you met my father, you’d want to be around him whether he was gay or straight.

I couldn’t ask for a more loving and supportive family. So when people feel badly or weirded out by my family, I feel bad for them. I have it better than half of America. I have 3 parents who’d do anything for me and who only want to see me happy. I feel lucky.

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OK first, you all are the best. I guess realistically, I couldn’t ever really date someone my family/friends hated but I can’t imagine that ever being the case. So we’ll see where the Townie and I go from here. 🙂

Anyway, today’s thought…

Do you ever try to ignore a few things nagging in the back of your mind, but by doing so they fester and become that much worse?

I have three things going on that are clearly taking a toll on my attitude this morning.

1. Yesterday after work I got home to a letter from B’s Mom. In it was pictures of this cat that we all rescued and just a nice “How are you doing” note. Then I logged on to my computer to find an email from B asking about going to our burger place next week. Seriously, does he have happiness radar on me?

2. Then last night during my boxing I hyper extended my elbow. My trainer put on gloves and he was hitting back (which stung a lot more than I expected) and I threw a right punch, clipped his chin and as my arm was (too) extended his glove knocked my elbow in the direction it should not go. Without being able to stop myself I screamed “F*ckkkk” and walked away. He kept asking if I was OK but I couldn’t speak for fear of crying. The last thing I wanted to do was cry in front of him. As much as in the end it’s not nearly as bad as I thought (still hurts, had to only use my left arm during kettle bell class this morning) it still ended the session on a sour note.

3. I have a pretty large close-knit group of girlfriends (8 of us) who used to always go out every weekend together. Lately because of scheduling it clearly hasn’t been possible to get us all together. But also lately, the 3 that live together have been going out a ton and it seems like they are almost consciously not inviting the rest of us. Sure some nights I have other things going on but it’s a crappy feeling to not be invited especially because myself (and other friends) make a point of inviting them. In some ways it doesn’t bother me in the sense that I have a ton of other wonderful, amazing, and caring girlfriends. I guess I just miss when we were all one big group and there was no drama and we were all on similar paths I guess.

So resolutions for all of this?

1. Avoid. Haha, I know that’s not a real problem solver right now but it’s too early to talk to the Townie about my friendship with B, and it’s too early to talk to B about the Townie. Therefore, I’m going to put off dinner for about two weeks and then deal with it. I want B to continue being a friend and being in my life but not at the cost of finding a partner. So it’s a fine line to play along. I think I’ll figure it out, but it irritates me SO much that B always pops up at times like this. 

2. Ice. Heat. More ice.

3. Talk to them. I don’t want to do it because I avoid confrontation with friends, but I have a feeling a big part of it is because after Patagonia I had no interest in going out and drinking multiple times a week (and vocalized that). Not that that has changed severely, but I’d love to go out every other weekend and dance and drink especially if it means seeing those 3 more often. I still see them for other activities (a few drinks & a dinner, I just hosted a dinner at my apartment on Sunday and 7 of them came for the night, etc. More quality time which is great but still…)

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