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Posts Tagged ‘Ridin Solo’

I had my reading yesterday. Some of the things he said hit the nail on the head, some were eh. All in all it was a fun and different thing to do with a friend on a week night.

What the cards said about Love:

  • I’m past the pain of my last relationship even though it was a rip your heart out breakup. (True.)
  • I’m the one holding myself back from dating and committment. I need to actually put my own foot out the door. (True.)
  • I feel like I need to get more grounded before becoming committed again. (True.)
  • I should start realizing that I don’t have to do anything I am uncomfortable with and that by going on a date it doesn’t mean I have to marry the guy. (Ha, such a true fear.)

He doesn’t necessarily see me entering into another serious relationship for another year. Lots of little dates which will be important, one of whom may turn into a good friend, but the serious guy won’t start until next year.

I will be married, with kids and happy one day. It won’t be with B.

What the cards said about CAREER:
He sees I’m an asset in my current company and I won’t be leaving it but my role may change, especially when it comes to being creative (yay).

That was clearly the vague overview of what he said but for the most part he or the cards sounded about right. I don’t know what is holding me back – for a long time I blamed it on getting over B but recently that’s just no longer an excuse.

Part of its fear, part of it is this lack of control feeling when it comes to dating. It’s easier and more comfortable to just cancel on dates or not put the effort in.

It also causes me such anxiety to feel smothered quickly when it comes to dating or love, like with DC boy, or really any guy I’ve gone out with.

Part of me also just feels this chaos in my life right now. Like I need to get my own shit together before being committed again even though I miss having a guy in my life. I want to get ahold of my workout routine, I want to focus a little more on my career and figure out what I’m meant to do, I want to spend a lot of time with my current friends and develop some new friends who might have similar interests in me. I want to dedicate time to training for my upcoming tri’s or planning my sister’s wedding or figuring out my faith and what I believe in and how I want to practice it.

The truth is I could probably do all of that with someone by my side, but it would mean compromising. Maybe I’m not ready to compromise yet. Because when I was with B as much as he wanted me to “do me” I held myself back. Maybe I need to spend some time learning how to be a stronger healthier version of me so when it comes time to being committed again I can compromise without giving up too much of myself in the process.

I want to put aside the friends and family who keep asking why I’m not in a relationship, and how I could possibly be single. I want to put aside the wedding and baby fever that’s going on all around me and realize things will happen at the right time for me, even if it’s not the same time as my friends or sisters or cousins.

I’m going to keep putting my foot out the front door and dating, but for the most part I’m going to start focusing on settling this chaos feeling I’m having.

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So last night I met up with my date at 6pm for drinks at a bar down the street from my work.

I have to say my anxiety before dates is escalating more and more however as soon as I hug them, I feel absolutely comfortable.

Anyway, have you ever seen the movie The Town? Well I went out with one of those boys last night. A good old born and raised in the Boston area, now lives in Southie, is a cop and drug informant, boxes daily and says “Wicked, oh my Gaaawd” in one intense accent.

Oh. My. Gaaaawd.

Do I sound judgmental? Yes. But being realistic we were very, very different. But we also had fun chatting for four hours (yup four hours) about work, boxing, guns, and Boston. But I’m beginning to believe that I could talk to toothpaste for four hours if need be.

As I sat there I realized that there has to be some in-between.

The last date the guy was incredibly smart and interesting but lacked the guy’s guy attitude that I need to feel safe.

Last night’s guy lacked well, a lot of things that I need in my relationship, but he had the 6’2, 205lbs of solid muscle, I’ll keep you safe if someone goes after you with a pipe (which apparently happens a lot in Southie…)

But with both of these guys I lacked attraction. I will say that my attraction for the first grew as we talked (but was still pretty minimal) and my attraction for the second became less and less the more we talked.

I just have to keep telling myself, I’m getting closer. On to the next…

 

**My heart & prayers go out to Japan and all the areas affected by the earth quake and potential tsunamis

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Over the last year of I have gone through many break-up phases.

There have been multiple moments where I’ve thought, “I’m over him!” only to find myself crumpled and sobbing on my bathroom floor a few days later.

But the other day B and I traded texts. Brief but fun. We have tentative plans to get a burger at our usual spot after he gets back from France in a week or two. I’m not waiting for it and I’m not holding back on making other plans. I feel oddly enough, a little indifferent. I’m excited to catch up with him but that’s really where it ends.

Then I ended communication with DC Boy the other day and it all hit me.

I am the most confident, secure, and independent I have ever been. I look at attractive boys now and get excited at the prospect but my world would be far from over if it didn’t work out. I just feel like I have a healthier mindset about it all, a mindset I don’t think I even  knew I could have.

Thinking back over the last year there were two major standouts – the triathlon and the trip to PatagoniaDeep down I know, I wouldn’t have done either of those if I were still with B. Not because he would have held me back by any means. But because in a relationship, with the mindset that I had, I was holding myself back.

By being single, I have allowed myself to make decisions just for me, for the first time in 13 years. I don’t have to think about my significant other as I’ve done with one boyfriend to the next since middle-school.

I’ve come to realize that the person I have become in the last year won’t allow herself to become lost again in a relationship. I don’t have to over compromise. I can allow myself to continue growing and with or without a significant other, I will.

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Yup, that’s right, cross that number 1 February goal off my list.

I had a date tonight.

And now I’m sitting in my cozy apartment, snuggled in blankets, ridiculous amounts of snow falling outside the window, and I’m about to put on Biggest Loser.

Today was just a good day. For one it’s the first of the month and a fresh start. I walked to work today (just over a mile) in the beautiful snow. Okay so I arrived wet with frozen hair, but still it was super nice to get some morning exercise.

It’s my 4 year anniversary at work. It feels good to look back at my career here. 2 big promotions and raises in 4 years. I bought myself these uggs as a celebratory present:

Okay OKAY, really I’ll talk about the date now…

It was good. It was the best date I have been on since Benny.

I won’t be marrying him. I may go on another date because he was fun to talk to but that *spark* wasn’t there. And the truth is I have had that spark before so I’m not going to settle for not having it.

But I had fun. And I will elaborate more tomorrow. But it’s 10:15, I’m just getting home, I had 3 BIG glasses of wine and no dinner yet. Goodnight 🙂

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Yesterday afternoon I was listening to all of my girlfriends chat about what’s going on in their love lives. J and her Husband. S and her boyfriend. V and A with their new hookups. From husband to fun they each had someone.

And it really hit me.

For the past year, I have been in the breakup phase. It’s been OK to mourn, and go back and forth, and be mad then sad then reflect on it all. But now it’s been over a year.  I can’t use him as an excuse anymore.

I’m tired of thinking to myself that I want someone again and yet I can’t picture it.

Of course I can’t picture it – I’m not trying. I’m avoiding.

And I’m tired of looking at, feeling, and even talking about this almost 10lb weight gain.

I’m tired of being bored at work, pushing tasks aside to just wait until tomorrow, letting my stress build and build.

I’m tired of looking at some of the disorganized areas of my apartment thinking, I can’t bring anyone here it’s so messy.

I’m tired of looking at my life in a depressed state.

I keep saying, “one day”. One day I’ll feel fit and toned. One day I’ll have an important guy in my life again. One day my apartment will be clean and organized. One day I’ll cook meals every week instead of spending money buying them out.

Enough.

One day needs to become today. I’m wasting so much time in limbo. I’m feeling depressed and bored because of it.

Today I stayed home from work. I tossed and turned last night and woke up with such a headache.

And now I need to move forward. I need to make what I want to be my priorities, actually my priorities.

It’s time to workout hard, even when I would rather eat in front of the tv.
It’s time to do my laundry, go to the dry cleaners, and get rid of extra shit in my apartment.
It’s time to date, open-mindedly.
It’s time to appreciate friends and family.
It’s time to be productive at work.
It’s time to let myself find and enjoy hobbies.
It’s time to pull myself out of this long funk and live.

Not one day, today.

 

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A voicemail. A few traded texts. His tone more serious, my tone casual and joking.

I’ll always miss him. I’ll always feel that stomach-dropping feeling at the sound of his voice or the sight of his face.

But I finally let go. This is what it feels like. This is what it feels like to be recently tagged by his friend in a picture on FB, think of him, briefly talk to him, and leave it at that.

No set plans, no real catching-up, nothing more than wanting him to be truly happy. Without wanting to know the details of that happiness.

B will always have a piece of my heart. If I’m honest it’s because he was the only one I ever truly gave a piece to.

But I’m done trying to get that piece back because I don’t know if I ever will. He can keep it. It’s no longer going to keep me from moving on.

source

 

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One of my co-workers (who is like a brother to me) messaged me the following today as we bantered back and forth over chat:

“But let’s face it, you can pretty much walk into any room and choose the guy you want. So for you, you just need to find someone you are attracted to. (Having said that, I know that’s a lot easier said than done.)”

As much as that doesn’t change whether I have someone or not, it was an incredibly sweet and reassuring thing to hear.

For some reason that led me to start thinking about what it will be like when I meet someone, and get married, and one day have a family. And then I realized what I was thinking.

I thought about a family. I pictured having kids.

For the past few years I have been pretty stern about not wanting kids. I would say to people who would scoff that maybe I’d change my mind but deep down I didn’t think I’d want kids.

But it’s not that I didn’t want kids. I didn’t want kids with B. Because I knew how he felt about marriage and kids. How he thought things only went downhill after marriage, and even more so if you have kids. So in my mind, if I pictured a future with B we couldn’t have kids, because it would cause an overwhelming feeling of impending failure.

Well guess what? I want kids. I want kids! (For the record I want kids someday, not today.)

Who knows what the future holds but it’s incredible to start realizing more and more what I want out of life.

And yes, my post title is yet another gem of a message from someone on Match. 🙂

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