Posts Tagged ‘Ridin Solo’

I have a new rule for myself. In the future when I am angry about something, or need to make a decision, I need to stop my mind and go for a workout.

I won’t pretend it makes everything better and you always magically have the answer after.

However, it helps. A lot.

This morning my toilet exploded. When I say exploded, I mean exploded.

Amidst many many motherf*ers and far worse being shouted from my mouth I just lost patience. I don’t want to deal with this crap on my own.

I was pretty down about the whole situation all the while I was rushing at the same time to meet my friend A to take the 9:30am spin class at our gym.

I went into the spin class pretty livid and frustrated. I have to say, it helped. My anger slowly turned into an action plan with every painful hill we climbed. Everything isn’t solved and all peachy, but at least I feel less “I’m not dealing with this” and more “Even though this sucks, I have to deal with it and here’s how”.


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Okay so here’s the thing. I haven’t mentioned this for many reasons. But I’ll get to that later.

Back in November I went down to DC with a couple of my girlfriends to visit one of our friends. While down there I happened to meet a boy. The boy works in the same firm as me, only as an attorney, but in our DC office. He actually went to law school with one of my best friends from college.

The night I met him we were in a boom boom room club. I kid you not, think velvet ropes and flaming champagne bottles. He clearly felt a bit out-of-place (but tried). I was much more concerned about dancing with my friends than noticing him, even if a few of them were trying to set me up with me.

So after I got back to Boston he facebooked me. At first I responded to the message just for the heck of it. I didn’t think too much into it.

After a few messages I forgot to respond to one. Rather than just let the messages drop he messaged me again, and this time he was really funny. It immediately caught my attention. Not only was he confident enough to message again but he was funny.

I started to take an all around second look at him. He’s super cute, he’s tall (like a good 5 inches taller than me), he’s active, he’s smart, he’s driven and he has hobbies. He’s playful and  funny.

The thing is, he lives in DC. And we haven’t really interacted much in person. And he’s so nice.

I don’t know why I am writing about it now really. Except that he just sent me a message that had me laughing and smiling to myself at my desk.

Maybe I need to give “nice” a chance before deciding it’s not what I want? I’m already overthinking it all before anything has even begun!

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By the time I got home last night I was craving going to the gym. For the first time in over a week I was going to workout. Walking into a crowded gym in winter after 3 weeks away from it, and 2 weeks doing physical activity like mountain biking through canyons, hiking volcanoes, and white water rafting was just well, hard.

I sucked it up, got on the treadmill and tried to run. WTF? I thought after working out at a high elevation and taking a break from running I’d just pump out 3 easy miles. Not.the.case.

At a mile I had to take a walking break. At 1.75 miles my ankle was hurting, my knee wasn’t feeling so hot and I just felt crappy. I moved it over to the elliptical for about 15 minutes before my friend A showed up.

Thank God for workout buddies. We did 20 minutes of backwards walking and squats on the treadmill along with a little catch-up time. It wasn’t my most intense workout but it was a solid 45 minute workout and definitely got me back into the groove.

Alright confession time. I’m seriously considering joining Match.com I don’t necessarily expect  it’ll be the way I’ll fall in love or meet my future boyfriend but it might be a really great way to meet new guys and to just start dating again. Especially during the winter months. Especially when you have amazing girlfriends but you travel in a pack of 5+ girls everywhere and only the crazy guys then approach you.

Plus it could be a fun confidence booster and a kick back into the dating world. So I think that later this weekend I might just create a profile and go for it…maybe.

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That I kissed a boy when I was in Chile?

That’s right, 1 year, 1 month, and 16 days were a long enough dry spell after B.

So the last night of my trip, Thursday, January 6th, I ended that dry spell. I stamped into the bar during last call, walked up to a Chilean boy, chatted for 5 minutes before I finally just said “kiss me”.

And then we chatted some more and I found out he was from Vermont.

So he wasn’t actually Chilean, but I still kissed someone IN Chile. And to give him credit he really kept trying to get to know me…I on the other hand enjoyed kissing a few times then promptly made my exit.

It sounds ridiculous, randomly kiss someone in a  bar and get all excited about it? Not something I have ever done before (shh, I don’t count college years…)

While I don’t find my confidence or self-worth from kissing guys in bars, it was exactly the boost  my self-confidence needed and a long-overdue kick back into the dating world.

For the first time in over a year I’m truly excited to date again. Now it’s just finding the dates…

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So the thing with seeing B is I like it when it’s controlled. We’re having dinner on Wednesday night mainly so I can borrow gear for my upcoming South America trip but also as a catch-up before the Holidays, etc. It works because it’s a set thing, I know we’ll catch-up and it’ll be nice. As we were coordinating the whole thing he mentions needing to go to pick up his race packet for this weekend.

We’re doing the same race on Sunday.

I don’t know why but it’s irritating me beyond belief. I am about to sound insane but I don’t want him at my race. I want to run that race with my friends without that feeling in the back of my mind that I’ll (literally) run into him.

I’m not moving on. I know I’m stalled. I haven’t been on a date since…June? I’ve had weird getting back together fantasies about B. I use him to fulfill some of my guy emotional desire.

But it’s not working anymore. Because I’m not fulfilled. And it’s time to be honest with myself. B isn’t enough. He isn’t available the way I need someone to be.

I’m just so mad at myself for continuing to hold on. How do I just force myself to let go. I’m so tired of holding on. Please please please let go.

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“I need to shift the sails before the ship goes down.”

Maura had this quote in her last post and I haven’t stopped thinking about it.

My attitude of late is not something I’m proud of. Irritable, defensive, reclusive, and lazy. Knowing this is so far from my norm makes it feel that much worse.

I need to push myself out from wanting to be miserable. For some reason it just seems easier to keep riding through the days. But eventually the ship will go down and I fear at that point, it’ll be that much harder to shift my sails.

So I’m shifting. It may be slow but I’ve got to get back to feeling happy, secure, and excited. I think back to how I felt after completing my first triathlon. It was one of the best feelings – pure accomplishment, pride, excitement, and even astonishment. And it carried over for days. The weeks prior to the tri I had a schedule, a purpose and a hobby outside of work and friends and heartbreak.

Today I’m leaving November with my bored and negative outlook.

I’m leaving behind my 25th year and have started my 26th golden year and it’s time to make it golden.

I’m leaving behind the one year mark of B and I being broken up.

I’m leaving behind the heartbreak and the waiting for something to change between B and I.

I’m leaving behind the binge eating at night and the unhealthy living habits.

I’m leaving behind the nights of not enough sleep, of staying up well past midnight watching hours of trash tv.

I’m leaving behind the excuses – to not work out, to not meet friends out, to not clean my apartment, to not be productive at work – no more.

I’m leaving behind the victim mentality – I am responsible for my own happiness.

I’m leaving behind the fear – of moving on, of living my life and trying new things, of being single.

Hey December, bring it on.

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“Seeing you last night made me realize how much I miss you and it really affected me.” – B

I could take that text I got 3 hours ago in so many ways. Instead I’m finishing my work day, boxing, then going home to shut my brain off. Those words could change everything…or more likely, they are just his words, and it won’t change anything at all.

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