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Posts Tagged ‘writing’

Foggy all around

I want to be better about writing and documenting this year. I miss writing, and I miss being able to look back at even just the day-to-day. It feels like so much is happening and time is flying but I’m so quick to forget it all without writing about it. Also, I’ve had things I haven’t been writing about – to protect people – but deep down there are parts I would like to write, get it out, get some advice. I’m also in this weird nostalgic mood, which tends to happen when I’m stressed, after the holidays and/or not feeling my best – so I need to work on that.

A few notes to myself for next year holiday season:

Take the few days before Christmas off. Next year I’d like to have multiple Christmases. Have my Mom and younger sister sleep over and wake up and have a pretend Christmas (so that we actually get to celebrate together). Wake up and have a pretend Christmas with just the Husband. (One thing we had absolutely none of this holiday season was alone time. We slept at my in-laws and were surrounded by people 100% of the time.) Then have Christmas with my in-laws only next year I’m sorry but I want to sleep home. Bentley and I were up most of the night (for whatever reason he freaked out sleeping there, the Husband is a deep sleeper so slept through us being up well past 3am) then I was up with him again to take him outside and tire him out before present opening at 8am and then he was forced to stay in his crate all day because not everyone in the family is dog friendly. Unfair and just not a fun Christmas. To me Christmas is definitely about being with family and loved ones but at some point I want to be happy and relaxed on Christmas too. So next year we may just be sleeping home and then I’ll gladly get up and head over early the next morning.

The wedding on New Year’s was absolutely fun (although again, exhausting especially with this stupid cough that won’t go away) but then we spent the full day after at my in-laws again for after family party where Bentley had to stay in a crate downstairs…so a note for next year… I’d just as happily stay home and cook a delicious dinner, cuddle with Bentley and sleep if we don’t have a wedding!

Schedule another spa day. I drove almost two hours to meet my best friend from New York (who also drove two hours) at a beautiful Inn halfway between us this past Saturday. We spent the day getting massages, mani/pedis and lunch together. It felt like a mini vacation of the best kind. I can’t explain it but this friend, a bridesmaid who spoke at my wedding, just feels like home to me. We can talk about anything, be real, and just have fun and laugh at the littlest things.

And on to this year:

This week starts the real back to life and reality. No more vacation quiet days. Five full days of work. I’ve (excitingly) been given a huge project with our Tokyo office. The only difficult part is I have to work on their time table…so on top of my regular 9-5ish days, I need to start having calls between 8-10pm on at least a weekly basis. It also means taking on a project that I have absolutely no experience or knowledge on, learning it from the ground up, faking the confidence, and overcoming some cultural barriers.

This week also starts (in my mind) the real beginning of my half-ironman training. I was phoning it in for sure the last two weeks, sometimes even cutting workouts. This week, I’m following the plan. No excuses allowed.

In fact, overall in my life – no more excuses allowed.

This week also starts Bentley’s second round of obedience classes. After graduating puppy kindergarten (ha) we are beginning a six-week course called, “Good Manners”. Considering his mouthy and chewing behavior lately, I think it’s perfect timing. Speaking of, we are also taking him for an interview for Doggy Daycare. While he may end up only going 1-2 days a week (full days – 7:30am to 6pm), we’re starting to think it might be nice to give ourselves a break. I had a really hard time being OK with this at first, I want him to be happy of course, but I put this guilt on us that since we decided to get a dog we should be spending as much of our free time as possible with him. Lately though it’s causing such anxiety that we realized why not 1-2 days a week put him in daycare during the day while the Husband sleeps, so he can play all day long with other dogs and come home zonked and happy so that the Husband and I can actually have a date night or even a night just to relax. It’s not taking away the fact that 3x a week (both weekend days and my WFH day) I take him on our hikes in the woods together, and nightly we play puzzles, chase, the Husband plays tug, and including now our weekly obedience class. (Clearly, I’m still justifying it in my head.) I fear the day we have kids if this is how I’ll be.

And now I am ready to end today. This mood isn’t great, and for some reason it’s one of those I just need to go home, go to sleep and start out fresh tomorrow.

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The Husband and I had the movie The Hurricane on in the background last night while we were cooking and chatting. At one point Denzel talks about the power of writing and the influence and impact of words. I can’t remember the exact quote, and I can’t find it anywhere but as he was saying that, the Husband turned to me and said, “That’s how you feel about writing”. I was taken aback that he pinpointed that, but he’s right.

When I can’t talk, I write. When I can’t be in reality, I read. Words for me are powerful, healing, and releasing. And so today, I’m going to just sit and write.

I went to my running class this morning. I’m so glad I did. Talking with a few women and then pushing harder than I ever have, or could have imagined during sprints – felt amazingly therapeutic.

I signed up for two races. A 5k in a few weeks honoring fallen marines and donating money to scholarships for their children. And a 5 mile race through the city of Boston honoring fallen law enforcement. There’s a bit of a pattern to the races I’ve picked and these are races that I will feel honored just to be a part of.

And today, as I was sprinting the half-mile run portion of class (between sprints, and incline intervals, we run a half-mile as fast as we can for time – it’s really fun…not) I realized that this 5k in about 3 weeks – could be my time to surpass my PR. I’ve never beat my original 5k time from back in March of 2008 – my first ever race and 5k and I want to. Badly.

Truthfully, I’m not sure I’ve ever really tried, or trained properly to try. I think with my current running classes, among strength and yoga classes, I have a real shot.  I think it’s also a huge part, mental. The 5k is the worst distance for me. I feel like I’m just warming up and getting into a groove when I hit 3 miles – so really – the whole thing feels brutal and then just as I’m starting to feel good, I have to sprint across the finish line.

I’m finally putting in the work to beat that time. I think mentally, I’m there too – and on that day – I’m going to be ready to push it.

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3 years ago today I started this blog and wrote my first post. I’m not going to talk in detail about how my life has changed over the course of these past 3 years because truthfully I know it, and those who are reading this blog know it too. And even if I didn’t remember I could go back and read all about it (which I sometimes do).

Instead I want to write about how in the past 3 years this blog has changed me.

Some days I sit down and write out a post that I think is thoughtful, I proof it, and I actually feel damn proud of what I’ve written.

On other days I let my stream of consciousness flow and my sentences start far too often with “but” and “and” tangled together with “—“, creating awful run on sentences with misspellings, missing words and grammar that my Mom would probably cringe at.

But I don’t care because they are my words.  And somewhere along the line in the past 3 years I’ve realized that my words are beautiful and honest.

The truth is, years and years ago, in my diary days – I always thought of myself as a writer. I’d write short stories, poems, biographies about family members, and even mundane daily recaps. In my high school days (after my younger sister found my diaries and I therefore tore them up and burned them) I used to secretly write in an online journal forum. I guess it shouldn’t be too surprising that I found the blogging community a few years ago.

Today if you were to ask my husband, my family or best friends I don’t think a single one of them would describe me or know me as a writer. They might say I was great at writing a fast term paper (true fact, I can spin up a class paper a mere 2 hours before it’s due, including references) but not a writer in any other sense. How could they? I’ve kept it hidden.

I don’t entirely know why it’s always been something that I’ve kept hidden. Maybe because I just want it to be mine. Maybe because I didn’t truly think I could call myself a writer (the same way I sometimes struggle to say I’m an athlete or a runner). Or maybe because it’s not something I thought other people would think I was good at since I still struggle to capture my moments into words the way I wish I could. And maybe most of all, because my writing and my words are probably the most exposing thing I could share and I’m still not ready to share them with everyone.

Today, after 3 years in this space, I can finally say, I’m a writer. Maybe many still wouldn’t describe me as a great writer (or even a good one), but I’ve openly captured some of my most vulnerable thoughts and moments and I have continued to share them – even as my identity for long time readers has been found out, or after I shared this space with a few close friends – and I’m proud of that.

There are days that after I hit publish, I regret it.  And there are days that after I hit publish, I seriously feel like I’m standing naked for everyone to see.

But not once have I deleted or taken back a post. Even when pride should have maybe made me…umm, hello crying on my bathroom floor during B breakup time posts.

But I didn’t and I’m glad I didn’t because like clockwork the comments or emails come in. The responses to my words, as mundane or grammatically incorrect as they can sometimes be. Those responses immediately remind me that I am a writer, and this outlet is the most amazing internal growth experience I have had for myself in the past 3 years.  

I sincerely love this outlet. I sincerely love all of the relationships that have formed from it. I sincerely appreciate all the thoughts, comments and emails. And so with that, I have to say thank you and goodbye.

Goodbye.

Kidding! I’m clearly not going anywhere. A writer’s gotta write.

So here’s to another 3 years of writing. Who knows what’s to come, all I do know, is that my words will keep flowing…

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